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"  How  far  is  it  to  Butler,  if  I  keep  straight  on  ? 
"  Wall,  if  you're  a  goin'  to  keep  straight  on,  it's  about  25,000 
miles,  but  if  you  turn  round  tother  way  iVs  about  half  a  mile  I " 


A  SYMPATHETIC  APPEAL  TO   THE  JURY. 


LIBRARY 
UNIVLRSiTV  OF  ILLINOIS 
URBANA 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


A  CHOICE  COLLECTION 


BT 


MARSHALL  BROWN. 


'*Care  to  our  coffin  adds  a  nail,  no  doubt ; 
And  ev'ry  grin  so  merry  draws  one  out." 

—  Peter  Pindar. 


•True  wit  is  Nature  to  advantage  dressed  — 
What  oft  was  thought,  but  ne'er  so  well  expressed." 


-Pope. 


EIGHTEENTH  EDITION. 


CHICAGO: 
S.  C.  GRIGGS  AND  COMPANY. 
1883, 


Entered  according  to  the  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1877,  by 
Marshall  Brown  and  J.  W.  Kreps, 
in  the  office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress,  at  Washington, 


Copyright  1879, 
S.  C.  GRIGGS  AND  COMPANV. 


DONNELLEY,  GASSETTE  «fe  LOYD,  PRINTERS. 


TO  THE 

LEGAL    PROFESSION    OF   THE    UNITED  STATES, 
THIS  VOLUMii  IS  SINCERELY  INSCRIBED  BY 

The  Author. 


696312 


GENERAL  CLASSIFICATION  OF  SUBJECTS. 


^  PAGE 

Legal  Profession,     .        .         .  - 

17 

Political,  Congressional,  and  Legislative,  - 

.  87 

Bulls  and  Blunders, 

Irish  Wit,  ------ 

.    122  I. 

Ministers,  and  the  Church, 

148 

Negro  Humor,      .        .        -        -  . 

-  18%^ 

Matrimony  and  Love, 

:        -  210 

Dutch  Humor,      -        .         -         .  - 

226 

Medical  Profession, 

229 

Army  and  JNavy,  -         -         .         -  - 

/CO  I 

Hotel  and  Boarding- House, 

249 

Business  and  Commercial, 

-  257 

Conundrums, 

279 

Yankee  Cuteness, 

-  282 

Juvenile,         .         _         .         .  . 

292 

Intemperance,      .         -         -         _  . 

804 

Miscellaneous,  - 

318 

note.— It  has  been  found  impossible  to  keep  each 

class  of  dialect  humor 

under  its  appropriate  heading,  and,  therefore,  some  of  it 

will  be  found  In  other 

parts  of  this  volume. 

PREFACE. 


This  volume,  although  not  originally  intended  for  the 
press,  is  presented  to  the  public  at  the  request  of  many 
friends  who  have  kindly  assisted  the  author  and  urged 
its  publication.  Knowing  it  has  defects,  the  author  hopes 
his  readers  will  treat  it  generously,  and  overlook  the 
chaff  that  lies  scattered  through  the  wheat. 

The  design  of  the  work  is  peculiarly  American  in  the 
style  of  its  humor ;  and  the  object  has  been  to  select  from 
the  broad  fields  of  sparkling  sunshine  some  of  the  choicest 
gems  in  the  English  language. 

Wit  and  Humor,  like  the  rainbow  in  the  sky,  have  their 
lights  and  shadows,  and  burst  out  upon  the  mind  as  beau- 
tiful images.  They  are  the  finger-boards  of  a  happy  and 
advancing  civilization :  ever  lifting  human  nature  up  to 
the  mirror  of  reflection  ;  ever  pointing  onward  and  upward 
to  the  good  and  the  beautiful. 

Laughter,  says  a  distinguished  writer,  is  healthful  to  the 
body,  as  gladness  is  to  the  mind  ;  and  there  is  nothing 
more  beautiful  than  a  smiling  face  when  you  know  it  is  the 
true  index  of  the  soul  within.  It  is  the  genial  outburst 
that  enlivens  the  social  circle,  when  men,  like  true  philoso- 


10 


PREFACE. 


phers,  forget  their  past  cares  and  put  off  till  to-morrow  all 
apprehensions  regarding  the  future.  Probably  there  is 
not  the  remotest  corner  or  little  inlet  of  the  minute  blood 
vessels  that  does  not  feel  some  wavelet  produced  by- 
laughter. 

A  man  may  grow  to  weigh  a  ton, 
Who  feasts  his  mind  with  pungent  fun; 
But  he  who  scorns  its  simple  sway, 
Oft  yields  to  crime  an  easy  prey. 

Laughter,  too,  shows  the  sunny  side  of  a  man.  It 
blooms  out  in  a  ruddy  glow  his  happier  nature,  and  floods 
a  sea  of  pleasant  sunshine  upon  his  associates. 

It  has  been  said  by  some  one,  that  Wit  and  Humor  are 
stupid  and  useless;  but,  happily  for  this  world,  such  beings 
are  few  and  far  between,  and,  like  a  needle  in  a  mill-pond, 
are  not  missed.  Such  beings  are  blunt  to  human  nature 
and  to  its  many  delightful  illustrations  that  abound  in  the 
mines  of  fun  and  pleasantry.  To  them  we  would  inscribe 
the  poetical  lines  of  Shakspere  : 

The  man  that  hath  no  music  in  himself, 

Nor  is  not  moved  by  concord  of  sweet  sounds, 

Is  fit  for  treasons,  stratagems,  and  spoils. 

Let  no  such  man  be  trusted. 

Life  is  ever  crowded  with  the  burden  of  daily  toil,  toil, 
toil,  until  the  body  and  brain  become  weary  and  exhausted. 
To  the  weary  and  careworn,  home  should  be  a  reservoir 
of  pleasure.     Happiness  should  reign  supreme,  and  the 


PREFACE. 


11 


center-table  and  fireside  be  made  a  source  of  amusement, 
laughter,  and  button-bursting,  loving  fun.  The  grand, 
indeed  the  true,  maxim  of  social  life  is :  Be  good,  be 
happy,  be  happy  as  you  can. 

This  life  is  not  all  sunshine, 

Nor  is  it  yet  all  showers; 
But  storms  and  calms  alternate, 

As  thorns  among  the  flowers. 
And  while  we  seek  the  roses, 

The  thorns  full  oft  we  scan; 
Still  let  us,  though  they  wound  us, 

Be  happy  as  we  can. 

Fun  is  the  sunshine  of  society,  and  floods  out  its  golden 
sunbeams  upon  a  million  faces.  It  is  an  enemy  to  malice, 
a  foe  to  scandal,  and  a  guardian  angel  to  every  virtue. 
It  fills  the  soul  with  happiness,  softens  the  heart,  and 
quickens  the  intellect. 

Wit,  as  originally  defined,  meant  genius,  and  now  de- 
notes the  power  of  seizing  upon  some  thought  or  occur- 
rence, and,  by  a  sudden  turn,  presenting  it  under  aspects 
wholly  new  and  unexpected  —  apparently  natural  and 
admissible,  if  not  perfectly  just  and  bearing  on  the  sub- 
ject or  the  parties  concerned,  with  a  laughable  keenness 
and  force. 

"  What  I  want,"  said  a  pompous  orator,  aiming  at  his 
antagonist,  "is  good  common  sense." 

"  Exactly  !  "  was  the  whispered  reply  ;  "that's  just  what 
you  need." 

The  pleasure  we  find  in  wit  arises  from  the  ingenuity 


12 


PREFACE. 


of  the  turn,  the  sudden  surprise  it  brings,  and  the  patness 
of  its  application  to  the  case,  in  the  new  and  ludicrous 
relations  thus  flashed  upon  the  view. 

True  wit  is  like  a  brilliant  stone, 

Dug  from  Golconda's  mine; 
Which  boasts  two  various  powers  in  one, 

To  cut  as  well  as  shine. 
Genius,  like  that,  if  polished  right. 

With  the  same  gifts  abounds; 
Appears  at  once  both  keen  and  bright, 

And  sparkles  while  it  wounds. 

Repartee  is  a  species  of  wit,  and  its  best  definition  is,  a 
good-natured  return  to  some  witty  or  sportive  observation 
of  another,  in  which  "  diamond  cuts  diamond,"  without  any 
loss  of  good  humor  on  either  side. 

The  "  Tin  TrumpeV^  says  :  "Repartee  is  a  smart  rejoin- 
der, which,  when  given  impromptu^  even  though  it  should 
be  so  hard  a  hit  as  to  merit  the  name  of  a  knock-down 
blow,  will  stand  excused  —  partly  from  the  ready  wit  it 
implies,  and  partly  from  its  always  bearing  the  semblance 
of  self-defense.  When  time,  however,  has  been  taken  to 
concoct  a  retort,  and  an  opportunity  sought  for  launching 
it,  not  only  does  it  lose  all  the  praise  of  extemporaneous 
quickness,  but  it  assumes  the  character  of  revenge,  rather 
than  repartee.  The  best  repartees  are  those  which  turn 
your  adversary's  weapons  against  himself,  as  David  killed 
Goliath  with  his  own  sword."  A  good  example  of  this  kind 
is  the  following : 

Abernethy,  the  celebrated  surgeon,  finding  a  large  pile 


PREFACE. 


18 


of  paving  stones  opposite  his  door,  swore  violently  at  the 
paver,  and  told  him  to  remove  them. 

"  Where  will  I  take  them  to  ?  "  asked  Paddy. 

"  To  Hell !  "  cried  the  choleric  surgeon. 

Paddy  leaned  upon  his  rammer,  and  then,  looking  up  in 
his  face,  said,  with  a  cunning  smile  : 

"  Hadn't  I  better  take  them  to  Heaven  ?  Sure,  they'd 
be  more  out  of  ^^ur  honor's  way." 

Retort  is  a  short,  sharp,  and  pointed  reply,  turning 
back  on  an  assailant  the  censures  or  derisions  he  had 
thrown  out.  It  may  be  courteous,  as  for  example  :  Two 
of  the  guests  at  a  public  dinner  having  got  into  an  alter- 
cation, one  of  them,  a  blustering  vulgarian,  vociferated : 

"  Sir,  you  are  no  gentleman  !  " 

"Sir,"  said  his  opponent,  in  a  calm  voice,  "you  are  no 
judge." 

It  may  be  uncourteous  or  unkind : 

"Ah,  Dr.  Johnson,"  exclaimed  a  Scotchman,  "what 
would  you  have  said  of  Buchanan,  had  he  been  an  En- 
glishman ?  " 

"  Said  of  him,  sir  ?  Why,  I  would  not  have  said  of  him, 
had  he  been  an  Englishman,  what  I  will  now  say  of  him  as 
a  Scotchman,  that  he  was  the  only  man  of  genius  his  coun- 
try ever  produced." 

While  Wit  and  Humor  are  synonymous,  each  has  its 
own  sphere  in  the  world  of  fun.  Wit,  in  its  technical 
sense,  embraces  repartee,  retort,  sarcasm,  and  irony. 
Humor  includes  kindly  wit,  pleasantry,  jocularity,  light 


14  PREFACE. 

fun,  drollery,  and  many  other  species  that  are  brilliant 
and  overflowing  in  their  points  and  keen  blades,  j^-et  light 
and  pleasant  in  their  effects. 

In  conclusion,  special  acknowledgment  is  due  the  Press 
of  the  country  from  whose  pages  most  of  the  selections 
have  been  taken.  Many  periodicals,  biographies,  maga- 
zines, and  humorous  works  have  been  consulted,  and  here 
and  there  a  few  sparkling  blades  cut.  *  Some  of  them 
appear  in  print  for  the  first  time. 

With  the  sincere  wish  that  this  volume  may  be  a  vadd. 
mecum  to  the  old  and  young,  the  sad  and  gay,  it  is  sub- 
mitted to  the  reader. 


Pittsburgh,  January,  1879. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


HUMOR  OF  MR.  PETIGRU. 

The  rio-id  observance  of  Eno-lish  rules  in  the  South 
Carolina  courts,  and  a  neglect  of  the  same  on  the  part 
of  Mr.  Petigru  gave  rise  to  the  following  passage: 

*'Mr.  Petigru,"  said  the  judge,  "you  have  on  a  light 
coat.    You  can't  speak." 

Petigru  replied:  "May  it  please  the  bench,  I  conform 
strictly  to  the  law.  Let  me  illustrate  :  The  law  says  that 
the  barrister  shall  wear  a  black  gown  and  coat,  and  your 
honor  thinks  that  means  a  black  coat?" 

"  Yes,"  said  the  judge. 

"  Well,  the  law  also  says  the  sheriff  shall  wear  a  cocked 
hat  and  sword.  Does  your  honor  hold  that  the  sword  must 
be  cocked  as  well  as  the  hat?" 

He  was  permitted  to  go  on. 


SINGULAR  VERDICTS: 

Shiel,  in  his  "  Sketches  of  the  Irish  Bar,"  relates  how  a 
Clare  jury  of  old,  in  a  case  of  felonious  gallantry,  acquitted 
the  prisoner  of  the  capital  charge,  but  found  him  guilty  of 
"  a  great  undacencyP 

This  is  nothing  to  the  verdict  of  a  Welsh  jury:  ''iVo^ 
guilty  —  hut  loe  recommend  him  not  to  do  it  again!''^ 

It  is  also  related  that  an  English  jury,  not  very  bright. 


18 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


having  before  them  a  prisoner  charged  with  burglary,  and 
being  unwilling  to  convict  him  capitally,  and  as  no  per- 
sonal violence  accompanied  the  robbery,  gave  the  safe 
verdict:  "  Guilty  of  getting  out  of  the  vnndoiv,^^ 

But  the  most  original  was  that  of  an  Irish  jury  before 
whom  a  prisoner  pleaded  "guilty,"  throwing  himself  on 
the  mercy  of  the  Court.  The  verdict  was  "  Not  Guilty." 
The  judge^  in  surprise,  exclaimed :  "  Why,  he  has  con- 
fessed his  crime!"  The  foreman  responded:  ''Oh,  my 
lord,  you  do  not  know  that  fellow,  but  tee  do.  He  is  the 
most  notorious  liar  in  the  whole  county,  and  no  twelve 
men  who  know  his  character  can  believe  a  word  he  says." 
So  the  prisoner  escaped,  as  the  jury  adhered  to  their 
verdict. 

Of  the  verdicts  in  the  United  States  we  may  mention 
the  following,  but  will  not  vouch  for  their  actuality.  How- 
ever, they  are  funny,  even  if  they  should  not  be  true  : 

A  Rhode  Island  jury  were  five  days  debating  on  a  hog 
case  involving  seven  dollars,  and  then  came  in,  found  the 
hog  not  guilty,  and  recommended  both  plaintiff  and  defend- 
ant to  the  mercy  of  the  court. 

A  Pekin,  111.,  coroner's  jury  rendered  a  very  singular 
verdict  that  a  man  whose  body  was  found  in  the  river,  came 
to  his  death  by  a  blow  on  the  head,  ^'lo/iich  loas  given  either 
before  or  cfter  the  drovmingP 

And  this  rather  doubtful  one: 

"Jury,"  said  a  western  judge,  "you  kin  go  out  and  find 
a  verdict.  If  you  can't  find  one  of  your  own,  get  the  one 
the  last  jury  used."  The  jury  returned  with  a  verdict  of 
"  Suicide  in  the  niyith  degree^ 

An  Indiana  jury  recently  returned  a  written  verdict  of 
"  Blode  tu  peces  hi  the  hiler  hiistinP 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 

The  substance  of  a  verdict  of  a  recent  jury,  on  a  man 
who  had  died  in  a  state  of  intoxication,  was  :  "  Death  by 
hanging — round  a  rum  shop,^^ 


HAD  A  GOOD  MEMORY. 

A  story  is  told  of  a  very  eminent  lawyer  in  New  York 
receiving  a  severe  reprimand  from  a  witness  on  the  stand 
whom  he  was  trying  to  brow-beat.  It  was  an  important 
issue,  and.  in  order  to  save  his  cause  from  defeat,  it  was 
necessary  that  Mr.  A.  should  impeach  the  witness.  He 
endeavored  to  do  it  on  the  ground  of  age.  The  following 
dialogue  ensued: 

Lawyer.    "  How  old  are  you? " 

Witness.    "  Seventy-two  years." 

Lawyer.  "Your  memory,  of  course,  is  not  so  brilliant 
and  vivid  as  it  was  twenty  years  ago,  is  it?" 

Witness.    "  I  do  not  know  but  it  is." 

Lawyer.  "State  some  circumstance  which  occurred, 
say,  twelve  years  ago,  and  we  shall  be  able  to  see  how  well 
you  can  remember." 

Witness.  "  I  appeal  to  your  honor  if  I  am  to  be  inter- 
rogated in  this  manner  ;  it  is  insolent." 

Judge.    "  You  had  better  answer  the  question." 

Lawyer.    "  Yes,  sir;  state  it! 

Witness.  "  Well,  sir,  if  you  compel  me  to  do  it,  I  will. 
About  twelve  years  ago  you  studied  in  Judge  B.'s  office 
did  you  not?"  ' 

Lawyer.    "  Yes." 
_    Witness.    "Well,  sir,  I  remember  your  father  coming 
into  my  office  and  saying  to  me,  'Mr.  D.,  my  son  is  to  be 
examined  to-morrow,  and  I  wish  you  would  lend  me  fifteen 


20 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


dollars  to  buy  him  a  new  suit  of  clothes.'  I  remember, 
also,  from  that  day  to  this  he  has  not  paid  me  that  sum. 
That,  sir,  I  remember  as  though  it  was  but  yesterday." 


CHARGE  TO  THE  GRAND  JURY. 

The  judge  was  dwelling  upon  the  offenses  in  the  penal 
code  to  which  the  attention  of  the  jury  would  be  directed, 
and  after  touching  on  the  crime  of  perjury,  he  proceeded 
in  the  next  place  to  say : 

"Then,  gentlemen,  thar's  subornation  of  perjury,  which 
is  likewise  forbid  by  law,  and  which  1  reckon  is  one  of  the 
meanest  crimes  that  men  get  to  do  fur  money.  It's  when 
a  feller  is  too  smart  or  too  scary  to  swar  to  a  lie  hisself, 
and  so  gits  another  man  to  do  it  fur  him,  and  one  of  yer 
mean,  dirty,  snivelin',  little-minded  fellers!  Why,  a  whole 
regiment  of  sich  souls  could  hold  a  jubilee  in  the  middle 
of  a  mustard  seed,  and  never  hear  of  one  another!" 


SCENES  IN  THE  NATURALIZATION  COURTS. 

The  scenes  witnessed  in  our  courts  just  prior  to  the 
annual  elections,  when  the  rush  to  obtain  the  rights  of 
citizenship  is  at  its  height,  are  often  ludicrous.  In  the 
Common  Pleas,  for  instance,  an  Irishman,  accompanied  by 
a  witness  as  to  character,  approached  Judge  Brady,  when 
the  following  colloquy  occurred: 

Judo-e.    "You  know  this  individual?" 

o 

Witness.    "Av  course  I  do." 

Judge.    "Is  he  a  man  of  good  moral  character?" 

Witness.  "Well,  your  honor,  he  rades  the  Boible,  he 
plays  the  feddle,  he  doesn't  whip  the  ould  woman,  and 
now  and  then  he  takes  a  dhrop  of  whisky.  Will  that  suit"? 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


21 


The  judge  arrived  at  the  conclusion  that  it  would  not 
suit,  declined  to  place  his  initials  in  the  corner  of  the 
blank,  and  the  twain  quitted  his  presence. 

Later  a  pair  on  the  same  errand  entereu  Judge  Daly's 
court : 

Judge.    "  You  know  this  person  ?  " 
Witness.    "  Y-a-a-s." 
Judo-e.    "  Is  his  character  srood  ?  " 
Witness.    "  Mein  Gott,  chudge  !    Of  gourse  it  is;  he^s 
a  paker  !  " 

Further  examination  tendino;  to  corroborate  this  bisrh 
standard  of  respectability,  the  Teuton  stalked  out  a  citizen 
of  the  Republic  as  well  as  a  baker. 


Another  very  funny  instance  is  the  one  that  occurred 
before  Judge  Grey,  of  Elmira,  N.  Y.: 

Judge.  "  How  long,  Patrick,  have  you  been  in  this 
country?" 

Patrick.    "  Six  years,  y'r  honor." 

Judge.    "Where  did  you  land?" 

Patrick.    "  In  New  York,  sir." 

Judge.  "  Have  you  ever  been  out  of  the  United  States 
since  you  landed,  six  years  ago  ?  " 

Witness.    "  Niver  but  once,  y'r  honor." 
Judge.    "And  where  did  you  go  then?" 
Patrick.    "  To  Elmira^  y'r  honor." 

The  judge  joined  heartily  in  the  explosion  that  fol- 
lowed, but  he  gave  the  Irishman  his  papers,  and  after  the 
adjournment  returned  to  his  residence  in  foreign  lands. 


Another,  similar  in  character  to  the  above,  is  as  follows: 
Judge.    "Do  you  know  O'Brien?" 

B 


22 


WIT  AND  HUMon. 


Irish  witness.    "Yes,  sir." 

Judge.  "How  long  has  he  been  in  this  country?" 

Witness.    "A  little  over  five  year." 

Judge.    "  Is  he  a  man  of  good  moral  character  ?  " 

Witness  (quite  bewildered).  "  Sure,  your  honor,  I 
don't  know  what  moral  character  means." 

Judge.  "  Well,  sir,  I  will  talk  more  plainly  to  you. 
Does  O'Brien  stand  fair  before  the  community?" 

Witness  (completely  nonplussed).  "By  my  sowl,  I 
don't  apprehend  your  mailing,  your  honor." 

Judge  (rather  irritated).  "  I  mean  to  ask  you,  sir,  if 
O'Brien,  the  person  who  wants  to  be  a  citizen,  and  for 
whom  you  are  a  witness,  is  a  good  man  or  not." 

Witness.  "  Oh !  why  didn't  you  ax  me  that  way 
before  ?  To  be  sure  he  is  a  good  man.  Sure  and  I've 
seen  him  in  ten  fights  during  the  last  two  years,  and 
every  time  he  licked  his  man." 


A  CHICAGO  STORY. 

During  a  recent  trial  before  Justice  Dougherty,  it  was 
thought  important  by  counsel  to  determine  the  length  of 
time  that  certain  "2  quarters  of  beef,  2  hogs,  and  1  sheep" 
remained  in  an  express  wagon  in  front  of  plaintiff's  store 
before  they  were  taken  away  by  the  defendant.  The  wit- 
ness under  examination  was  a  German,  Avhose  knowledge 
of  the  English  language  was  very  limited;  but  he  testified 
in  a  very  plain,  straight-forward  way  to  having  weighed 
the  meat,  and  to  having  afterward  carried  it  out  and  put  it 
into  the  aforesaid  wagon. 

Then  the  following  ensued: 

Counselor  E  .    "  State  to  the  jury  how  long  it  was 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


23 


after  you  took  the  meat  from  the  store  and  put  it  into  the 
wagon  before  you  took  it  away." 

Witness.  "Now,  I  shoost  cand  dell  dat.  I  dinks  'bout 
dwelve  feet.    I  not  say  nearer  as  dat." 

Counsel.  You  don't  understand  me.  How  long  teas 
it  from  the  time  the  meat  left  the  store,  and  was  put  into 
the  wagon,  before  it  was  taken  away  by  the  defendant?" 

Witness.  "Now,  I  know  not  what  you  ax  dat  for.  Der 
vagon  he  vas  back  up  mit  der  sidevalk,  and  dat's  shoost  so 
long  as  it  vas.  You  dell  me  how  long  der  sidevalk  vas. 
Den  feet?  Dwelve  feet?  Den  I  dells  you  how  long  it 
vas." 

Counsel.  "  I  don't  want  to  find  out  how  wide  the  side- 
walk was,  but  I  want  to  know "  (speaking  very  slowly), 
''how — lo)ig — this — meat — was — in — the — wagon — before 
— it — was — taken — away?  " 

Witness.  "Oh!  dat!  Veil,  now,  I  not  sold  any  meat 
so.  I  all  time  weigh  him;  never  measured  meat,  not  yet. 
But  I  dinks  'bout  dree  feet."  (Here  the  spectators  and  his 
honor  and  the  jury  smiled  audibly).  "  I  know  not  shen- 
tlemens,  how  is  dis.  I  dell  you  all  I  can,  so  good  as  I 
know." 

Counsel.  "  Look  here,  I  want  to  know  hoio  long  it  was 
before  the  meat  was  taken  away  after  it  was  put  into  the 
wagon?" 

Witness  (looking  very  knowingly  at  counsel).  "  Now 
you  try  and  get  me  in  a  scrape.  Dat  meat  vas  shoost  so 
long  in  der  vagon  as  he  vas  in  der  shop,  Dat's  all  I  told 
you.  He  don't  got  no  longer  in  den  dousan'  year,  not 
mooch." 

Counsel.    "  That  will  do." 


24 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


A  STUBBORN  JURY. 

The  Portland  Transcript  tells  a  good  story  of  a  Colonel 

M  ,  living  in  Washington  County,  Maine,  who  had  a 

great  aptitude  for  serving  as  a  juror.  When  thus  serving, 
he  was  very  anxious  that  his  opinion  should  be  largely 
consulted  in  making  up  a  verdict.  Some  years  ago, 
while  upon  a  case,  after  many  hours'  trial  to  agree,  but 
failing,  he  marshaled  the  delinquent  jury  from  the  room 
to  their  seats  in  the  court,  where  the  impatient  crowd 
awaited  the  result  of  the  trial. 

"Have  you  agreed  upon  a  verdict  ?"  inquired  the  clerk. 

Col.  M          arose,  turned  a  withering  glance  upon  his 

brother  jurors,  and  exclaimed  : 

"  May  it  please  the  court,  we  have  not ;  I  have  done  the 
best  I  could  do,  but  here  are  eleven  of  the  most  contrary 
devils  I  ever  had  any  dealings  with." 


"  My  lord,"  began  a  pompous  young  barrister,  "  it  is 
written  in  the  Book  of  Nature — "  "On  what  page,  sir  — 
on  what  page  ?"  interrupted  the  judge,  with  pen  in  hand. 


AN  IMPATIENT  JURYMAN. 

An  Arkansas  correspondent  of  the  Picayune  gives  the 
following  as  authentic : 

"  You  Louisianians  are  all  fond  of  cracking  jokes  at  the 
expense  of  Arkansas.  Now,  here  is  one  on  your  State 
absolutely  true.    I  got  it  from  an  eye-witness: 

"The  District  Court  in  one  of  your  northern  parishes 
was  in  session;  'twas  the  first  day  of  the  court;  time,  after 
dinner.  Lawyers  and  others  had  dined,  and  were  sitting 
out  before  the  hotel,  when  a  long,  lank,  unsophisticated 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


25 


countryman  came  up,  unceremoniously  made  himself  one 
of  'em,  and  remarked  :  '  Gentlemen,  I  do  wish  you  would 
go  on  with  this  court,  for  I  want  to  go  home;  I  left  Betsy 
a-lookinor  out.' 

"'Ah!'  said  one  of  the  lawyers, 'and  pray,  sir,  what 
detains  you  at  court?' 

"*  Why,  sir,'  said  the  countryman,  'I  am  fotched  here  as 
a  jury^  and  they  say  if  T  go  home  they  will  have  to  find 
me,  and  they  moutn't  do  that,  as  I  live  a  good  piece.' 

"'What  jury  are  you  on?'  asked  a  lawyer. 

"'What  jury?' 

"'Yes,  what  jury?    Grand  or  traverse  jury?' 

"'Grand  or  travis  jury?  dad  fetch  it  if  I  know.' 

"'Well,'  said  the  lawyer,  'did  the  judge  charge  you?' 

"'Well,  squire,'  said  he,  'the  little  fellow  that  sits  up 
in  the  pulpit  and  kinder  bosses  it  over  the  crowd  gin  us 
a  talk,  but  I  don't  know  whether  he  charged  anything  or 
not.' 

"The  crowd  broke  up  in  a  roar  of  laughter,  and  the 
sheriff  called  court." 


A  SHARP  DIALOGUE. 

We  overheard  once  the  following  dialogue  between  a 
judge  and  an  Irish  woman,  a  shoplifter: 

"  What's  gone  of  your  husband,  woman?" 

"  What's  gone  of  him,  yer  honor?  Faith,  and  he's  gone 
dead." 

"Ah  — pray  what  did  he  die  of?" 
"  Die  of,  yer  honor?    He  died  of  a  Friday." 
"  I  don't  mean  what  day  of  the  week,  but  what  com- 
plaint ?" 

% 


26 


WIT  AKD  HUMOK. 


"  Faith,  and  it's  himself  that  did  not  get  time  to 
complain." 

"Oh,  ay  —  he  died  suddenly?" 
"  Rather  that  way,  yer  honor." 
"Did  he  fall  in  a  fit?" 
No  answer. 

"  He  fell  down  in  a  fit,  perhaps  ? " 

"  Why,  no,  not  exactly  a  fit,  yer  honor.  He  fell  out 
of  a  window,  or  through  a  cellar  door  —  I  don't  know 
what  they  call  it." 

"Oh,  ay  —  and  broke  his  neck." 

"  No,  not  quite  that,  yer  worship." 

"  What  then  ?  " 

"  There  was  a  bit  of  sthring,  or  cord,  or  that  like,  and 
it  throttled  poor  Mike." 

"  Quite  likely.    Call  the  next  case." 

An  Irish  crier  at  Ballinsloe  being  ordered  to  clear  the 
court,  did  so  by  this  announcement:  "  Now,  then,  all  ye 
blackguards  that  isn't  laioyers^  must  lave  the  coort." 

"You  are  a  nuisance;  I'll  commit  you,"  said  an  offended 
judge  to  a  noisy  person  in  court.  "  You  have  no  right  to 
commit  a  nuisance,"  said  the  offender. 


GOT  EVEN  WITH  HIM. 

Many  amusing  anecdotes  are  related  of  John  Randolph, 
of  Virginia  :  One  night  when  traveling  through  the  "Old 
Dominion"  he  stopped  at  an  inn  near  the  forks  of  two 
roads. 

The  inn-keeper  was  a  fine  old  gentleman,  and  knowing 
who  his  distinguished  guest  was,  he  endeavored,  during 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


27 


the  evening,  to  draw  him  into  a  conversation,  but  failed. 
But  in  the  morning,  when  Mr.  Randolph  was  ready  to 
start,  he  called  for  his  bill  and  paid  it.  The  landlord,  still 
anxious  to  have  some  conversation,  tackled  him  again: 

"  Which  way  are  you  traveling,  Mr,  Randolph  ?" 

"Sir?"  said  Mr.  Randolph,  with  a  look  of  displeasure. 

"  I  asked,"  said  the  landlord,  "  which  way  are  you 
traveling  ?  " 

"  Have  I  paid  you  my  bill  ? " 

"Yes." 

"Do  I  owe  you  anything  more?" 
"  No." 

"Well,  I'm  going  just  w^here  I  please;  do  you  under- 
stand?" 
"  Yes." 

The  landlord  by  this  time  got  somewhat  excited,  and 
Mr.  Randolph  drove  off.  But  to  the  landlord's  surprise,  in 
a  few  minutes  he  sent  one  of  the  servants  to  inquire  which 
of  the  forks  of  the  road  to  take.  Mr.  Randolph  still  being 
within  hearing  distance,  the  landlord  yelled  at  the  top  of 
his  voice: 

"  Mr.  Randolph,  you  don't  owe  me  one  cent;  just  take 
whichever  road  you  please." 


DAT'S  DE  QUESTION,  BOSS! 

In  one  of  the  towns  of  Mississippi  two  colored  men 
were  arrested  on  the  charge  of  burglary.  The  jury  before 
whom  they  were  tried  were  all  colored.  After  the  case 
was  tried  they  retired  and  made  up  a  verdict,  which  was 
announced  to  the  court.  On  being  called,  the  judge  asked 
for  the  verdict,  which  the  foreman  delivered  as  follows: 


28 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


Dis  jury  find  dat  one  of  the  'cused  busted  in  de  sto'  and 
stole  dat  bacon,  and  dat  de  oder  didn't  do  noffin."  "Which 
one  do  you  find  guilty?"  asked  the  judge.  "Dat's  de 
question,  boss,"  returned  the  foreman;  "dat's  jes  what  we 
can't  find  out,  and  we  recommend  dat  de  honorable  coat 
jes  have  anoder  trial,  and  find  out  which  on  dem  two 
niggers  stole  dat  bacon." 


AN  IRISHMAN'S  WILL. 

In  the  name  of  God,  Amen  !  T,  Timothy  Delona,  of 
Barrydownderry,  in  the  county  of  Clare,  farmer;  being 
sick  and  wake  in  my  legs,  but  of  sound  head  and  warm 
heart:  Glory  be  to  God! — do  make  the  first  and  last  will 
the  ould  and  new  testament,  first  I  giv^e  my  soul  to  God, 
when  it  pleases  Him  to  take  it,  sure  no  thanks  to  me,  for  I 
can't  help  it  then,  and  my  body  to  be  buried  in  the  ground 
at  Barrydownderry  Chapel,  where  all  my  kith  an'  kin  that 
have  gone  before  me,  an'  those  that  live  after,  belonging  to 
me,  are  buried,  pace  to  their  ashes,  and  may  the  sod  rest 
lightly  over  their  bones.  Bury  me  near  my  godfather,  Felix 
O'Flaherty,  betwixt  and  between  him  and  my  father  and 
mother,  who  lie  separate  altogether,  at  the  other  side  of  the 
chapel  yard.  I  lave  the  bit  of  ground  containing  ten 
acres — rale  old  Irish  acres — to  me  eldest  son  Tim,  after  the 
death  of  his  mother,  if  she  survives  him.  My  daughter 
Mary  and  her  husband  Paddy  O'Ragan  are  to  get  the 
white  sow  that's  going  to  have  twelve  black  bDnifs.  Teddy, 
my  second  boy  that  was  killed  in  the  war  of  Amerikay, 
might  have  got  his  pick  of  the  poultry,  but  as  he  is  gone, 
ni  lave  them  to  his  wife  who  died  a  wake  before  him;  I 
bequeath  to  all  mankind  fresh  air  of  heaven,  all  the  fishes 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


29 


of  the  sea  they  can  take  and  all  the  birds  of  the  air  they 
can  shoot,  I  lave  to  them  the  sun,  moon  and  stars.  I  lave 
to  Peter  RafFerty,  a  pint  of  fulpoteen,  I  can't  finish,  and 
may  God  be  merciful  to  him. 


Pat,  how's  your  wife?" 
Pat.    "  Dead,  I  thank  yer  honor.    How's  your  own?  " 


"Do  you  think  I  shall  have  justice  done  me?"  said  a 
culprit  to  his  counsel,  a  shrewd  Kentucky  lawyer,  of  the 
best  class  in  that  "  eloquent  State." 

"  I  am  a  little  afraid  you  ^(jo^i'^,"  replied  the  other  ;  "  I 
see  two  men  on  the  jury  who  are  opposed  to  hanging!" 


TOO  MUCH  FOR  THE  ATTORNEY. 

The  following  dialogue,  which  occurred  several  years 
ago,  between  a  lawyer  and  a  witness  in  a  justice's  court,  is 
worth  relating: 

It  seems  that  Mr.  Jones  loaned  Mr.  Smith  a  horse,  which 
died  while  in  his  (Smith's)  possession.  Mr.  Jones  brought 
suit  to  recover  the  value  of  the  horse,  attributing  his  death 
to  bad  treatment.  During  the  course  of  the  trial  a  witness 
(Brown)  was  called  to  the  stand  to  testify  as  to  how  Mr. 
Smith  treated  horses. 

Lawyer  (with  a  bland  and  confidence-invoking  smile). 
"Well,  sir,  how  does  Mr.  Smith  generally  ride  a  horse?" 

Witness  (with  a  very  merry  twinkle  in  his  eye,  other- 
wise imperturbable).    "  Astraddle.  I  believe,  sir." 

Lawyer  (with  a  scarcely  perceptible  flush  of  vexation 
on  his  cheek,  but  still  speaking  m  his  blandest  tones). 
"But,  sir,  what  gait  does  he  ride?" 


30 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


Witness.  "  He  never  rides  any  gate,  sir.  His  boys  ride 
all  the  gates." 

Lawyer  (his  bland  smile  gone  and  his  voice  slightly 
husky).  "  But  how  does  he  ride  when  in  company  with 
others?  " 

Witness.  "  Keeps  up,  if  his  horse  is  able  ;  if  not,  he 
goes  behind."  : , 

Lawyer  (triumphantly,  and  in  perfect  fury).  How 
does  he  ride  when  alone,  sir?" 

Witness.  "Don't  know;  never  was  with  him  when  he 
was  alone." 

Lawyer.    "  I  have  done  with  you,  sir." 


"Silence  in  the  court!"  thundered  a  Kentucky  judge 
the  other  morning.  "Half  a  dozen  men  have  been  con- 
victed already  without  the  court's  having  been  able  to 
hear  a  word  of  the  testimony." 


OKLY  MADE  IT  WORSE. 

It  is  sometimes  better,  when  a  man  has  made  a  blunder, 
to  let  it  go.  Attempting  to  set  it  right  often  makes  it 
worse,  and  certainly  calls  the  attention  of  many  to  it  who 
would  have  taken  no  notice  of  it  if  the  speaker  had  gone 
along  as  if  nothing  had  happened.     Some   years  ago, 

the  Hon.    Mr.  R  ,  of  Wyoming,  Pennsylvania,  had 

quite  a  reputation  as  a  pettifogger.  His  knowledge  of 
books  was  very  small,  and  his  main  reliance  was  upon  his 
own  tact  and  shrewdness,  which  rarely  failed  him,  and  lasts 
to  this  day.  On  one  occasion  he  was  pitted  against  a 
smart,  well-dressed  limb  of  the  law  from  the  city,  who 
made  fun  of  a  paper  which  R          had  submitted  to  the 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


31 


court.  "All  law  papers,"  said  the  learned  counselor, 
"  ought  to  be  written  in  the  English  language,  but  I  sub- 
mit to  the  court  that  there  are  no  words  in  the  language 
spelled  as  these  in  the  document  now  before  us.    I  insist 

that  it  ought  to  be  excluded."     R          replied  :  "  The 

learned  counsel  on  the  other  side  finds  fault  with  my 
spellin',  as  though  the  merits  of  the  case  depends  upon 
sich  outside  matters.    I'm  agin  luggin'  in  any  such  forin . 
affairs,  but  I  will  say  that  a  man  must  be  a  great  fool  loho 
can't  spell  a  word  more  than  one  icay,'''* 


A  DOG  ON  THE  JURY. 

The  seat  of  a  juryman  absent  from  the  court  was  taken 
possession  of  by  a  dog.  The  judge,  addressing  one  of  the 
counsel,  said:  "You  see,  Mr.  Laning,  the  jurymen's  seats 
are  all  occupied;  are  you  ready  to  proceed?"  The  lawyer 
raised  his  glasses  to  his  eyes,  and,  after  a  brief  survey  of 
the  jury  box,  made  the  witty  reply:  "Your  honor,  that 
fellow  might  do  for  a  judge,  but  I  should  hate  to  trust  him 
for  a  juryman."  The  judge  joined  heartily  in  the  laugh 
that  followed. 

WANTED  TO  KNOW  WHAT  THE  PINT  WAS. 

On  a  certain  occasion  Mr.  Brown  appeared  before  a 
circuit  judge  of  West  Virginia,  demurred  to  the  sufficiency 
of  the  declaration,  and  made  a  short  but  very  pointed 
argument. 

The  judge,  a  very  stupid  specimen  of  his  class,  waking 
up  in  the  midst  of  the  argument,  interrupted  him  by 
asking  what  the  pint  was  that  he  was  driving  at. 

Mr.  Brown  hesitated  a  moment,  and  very  deliberately 
replied  : 


32 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"  If  the  court  please,  I  am  about  to  illustrate  it  by  dia- 
grams, and  I  hope  to  make  it  so  plain  that  it  will  be 
comprehended  by  all  the  audience,  and  perhaps  I  may 
bring  it  even  within  the  comprehension  of  the  court." 


A  8TUPID  OLD  COURT-CRIER. 

In  the  most  beautiful  town  in  North  Carolina,  where 
have  been  born  and  have  bloomed  her  fairest  daughters, 
and  where  for  a  number  of  years  shone  in  undimmed 
radiance  the  brightest  intellects  which  have  ever  orna- 
mented and  blessed  her  —  in  the  court-house  which  has 
so  often  been  graced  with  the  elegant  oratory  of  a  Gaston, 
or  startled  with  the  flashing  wit  or  bitter  irony  of  a 
Stanley,  the  following  very  amusing  incident  occurred. 

An  old  court-crier,  who  had  grown  gray  in  the  cause 
and  as  deaf  as  a  beetle,  was  in  the  habit  of  calling  the 
names  of  witnesses  (which  he  generally  managed  to  get 
wrong)  from  the  second-story  window  of  the  court-house, 
in  such  a  stentorian  voice  as  to  be  heard  with  distinctness 
for  a  square  or  more.  On  one  occasion,  in  the  course  of  a 
very  serious  and  somewhat  important  suit,  the  presence  of 
a  witness  named  Arabella  Hanks  was  needed.  The  crier, 
like  a  parrot,  sat  nodding  on  his  perch,  when  he  was 
aroused  from  his  slumber  by  an  order  from  the  court 
to  call  the  witness.  Looking  anxiously  at  the  jjidge,  with 
his  hand  at  his  ear,  in  order  to  catch  the  sound  correctly, 
he  said: 

"  What,  your  honor?  " 

"  Call  x\rabella  Hanks,"  said  the  judge. 

Still  in  doubt,  the  poor  crier  arose  from  his  seat  and  sa'd 
again,  with  a  much  puzzled  look: 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


33 


What,  your  honor?" 

Call  Arabella  Hanks,  crier,  and  delay  the  buBiness  of 
the  court  no  longer!  "  said  the  judge,  much  provoked. 

The  old  crier,  thereupon,  with  a  countenance  indicating 
both  doubt  and  desperation,  proceeded  to  the  window,  and 
in  his  loudest  voice  called  out: 

"  Taller  Belly  Shanks  !  Yaller  Belly  Shanks  !  Yaller 
Belly  Shanks!  come  into  court!  " 

It  is  needless  to  say  that  the  seriousness  of  the  court- 
room was  convulsively  dispelled;  and  quiet  was  restored 
only  to  be  again  disturbed  by  the  laughter  caused  by  the 
crier,  who,  in  answer  to  the  court  as  to  whether  or  not  the 
witness  answered,  said,  "No,  your  honor;  and  I  don't 
believe  there  is  such  a  person  in  the  county,  for  I've  lived 
here  forty  years,  and  I  never  he'erd  of  him  before." 


SHARP  FIRING. 

An  amusing  tilt  took  place  a  few  months  ago  in  one  of 
:he  courts,  in  an  Eastern  State,  between  two  well-known 
members  of  the  bar. 

One  of  the  principals,  whom  we  shall  call  Henry,  is  still 
practicing  law,  and  highly  esteemed  in  the  profession;  the 
other  has  since  gone  into  the  ministry  and  may  be  called 
George — a  man  peculiarly  eccentric,  and  dubbed  by  many 
of  his  bretlfcren  as  a  fool,  though  not  one  by  any  means. 

The  two  were  engaged  in  the  trial  of  a  case,  and  during 
the  progress  of  the  trial  frequently  locked  arms  upon 
relevancy  of  the  testimony.  Mr.  H.,  becoming  somewhat 
annoyed  at  the  illegal  mode  of  his  opponent's  examination 
of  the  witnesses,  arose,  and  addressing  the  court,  said: 

"  If  your  honor  please,  I  desire  to  try  this  case  on  its 


34 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


merits,  and  according  to  the  established  rules  of  evidence. 
The  gentleman  on  the  other  side  certainly  knows  some 
law !  " 

This  unexpected  personal  remark  aroused  brother  G. 
into  a  high  pitch  of  excitement.  Addressing  the  court, 
with  cutting  emphasis  he  replied: 

"  I'm  a  fool,  and  I  know  it,  and  it  don't  hurt  me  a  bit; 
but  the  counsel  upon  the  other  side  is  a  darned  fool  and 
don't  know  it,  and  it's  killing  him;  and  the  sooner  he  finds 
it  out  the  better  for  himself  and  his  clients!  " 

Then,  turning  upon  his  opponent  with  venomous  sar- 
casm, he  continued: 

"You!  you!  what  do  you  know?  You  think  you're 
smart,  don't  you?  There  (throwing  him  a  half  dollar), 
hurry  up,  quick,  tell  me  all  you  know,  and  give  me  the 
change." 

At  this  point  the  court  interfered,  and  the  case  pro- 
ceeded. 

A  shoemaker  was  arrested  for  bigamy  and  brought 
before  the  magistrate.  "  Which  wife,"  asked  a  by-stander, 
"will  he  be  obliged  to  take?"  Smith,  always  ready  at  a 
joke,  replied,  "  He  is  a  cobbler,  and  of  course  must  stick  to 
his  last." 

The  other  day  a  colored  man  fresh  from  "  Ole  Virginy," 
was  on  the  witness  stand  and  the  judge  asked  him: 
"  Do  you  know  what  an  oath  is?  " 

"Yes,  sah;  when  a  man  swears  to  a  lie  he's  got  to  stick 
to  it."   

The  judge  asked  an  Irish  policeman,  named  O'Connell, 
"When  did  you  last  see  your  sister?"    The  policeman 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


35 


replied,  "The  last  time  I  saw  her,  my  lord,  was  about 
eight  months  ago,  when  she  called  at  my  house,  and  I 
was  out."  "  Then  you  did  not  see  her  on  that  occasion?  " 
The  Irishman  answered,  "  No,  my  lord,  I  wasn't  there." 


In  a  recent  murder  trial  at  Bangor,  Me.,  a  Mrs.  Flanna- 
gan  swore  to  a  confession  made  to  her  by  the  respondent, 
whereupon  defense  called  an  old  fellow  who  had  said 
repeatedly  he  wouldn't  believe  her  under  oath. 

Lawyer.  "  Do  you  know  the  reputation  of  Mrs.  Flanna- 
gan  for  truth  and  veracity?" 

Witness.  "Wall,  Square,  I  guess  she'd  tell  the  truth; 
but  about  her  veracity  —  well,  now,  some  say  she  would, 
and  some  say  she  wouldn't." 


A  HARD  HIT  AT  THE  COURT. 

A  young  lawyer  in  Arkansas  was  arguing  a  case  before 
a  judge  whose  self-conceit  was  in  inverse  proportion  to  his 
knowledge  of  the  law. 

The  counsel  was  endeavoring  to  sustain  a  legal  position 
he  had  taken  in  the  case.  He  proceeded  to  quote  Black- 
stone,  when  the  court  interrupted  him  by  saying: 

"It  is  presumed,  sir,  that  this  court  knows  the  law." 

"Yes,  your  honor,  but  the  presumption  of  the  court 
may  be  rebutted,"  suggested  the  attorney. 

"  Sit  down,  sir,  or  the  court  will  commit  you  for  con- 
tempt. This  court  will  not  be  dictated  to  with  impunity; 
and  if  such  an  infringement  be  made  again  on  its  dignity, 
it  will  immediately  order  the  offender  to  jail." 

"  Well,  if  your  honor  please,  I  don't  say  that  my  point 
is  well  taken.    I  have  great  respect  for  this  court,  but  I'd 


36 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


just  like  to  read  a  little  from  Blackstone  to  show  what  a 
blamed  old  jackass  he  must  have  been." 


NOT  THE  MAN  HE  THOUGHT  HE  WAS. 

An  Arkansas  judge  had  his  law  office  very  close  to  a 
certain  doctor's  —  in  fact,  they  were  separated  only  by  a 
plank  partition  with  a  door  in  it.  The  judge  was  at  his 
table,  busy  with  his  briefs  and  bills  in  chancery.  The  doc- 
tor was  writing  a  letter,  and,  pausing  at  the  word  econom- 
ical, called  out: 

"Judge,  isn't  e-q-u-i  the  way  to  spell  equinomical? " 

''Yes,  I  think  it  is,"  said  the  judge,  "but  here  is  Web- 
ster's dictionary;  I  can  soon  tell." 

He  opened  the  book,  and,  turning  over  the  leaves, 
repeated  aloud,  "  equinomical  —  equinomical." 

Finding  the  proper  place,  he  ran  his  eye  and  finger  up 
and  down  the  column  two  or  three  times,  until  he  was 
perfectly  satisfied  that  the  word  in  question  was  not  there. 
Closing  the  book  with  a  slam,  the  judge  laid  his  specs  on 
the  table,  and,  rising  slowly,  broke  forth: 

"Well,  sir,  I  have  always  been  a  Daniel  Webster  man, 
and  voted  for  him  for  President ;  but  any  man  that  will 
write  a  dictionary  as  big  as  this,  and  not  put  as  common  a 
word  as  '  equi-nomical '  in  it,  can't  get  my  vote  for  anything 
hereafter! " 

Judge  Grier,  late  of  the  United  States  Supreme  Court, 
was  once  trying  a  case  in  Pennsylvania.  A  blundering 
jury  returned  an  unjust  verdict.  As  the  clerk  turned  to 
record  it.  Judge  Grier  said:  "  Mr.  Clerk,  that  verdict  is  set 
aside  by  the  court.  It  may  as  well  be  understood  that  in 
this  State  it  takes  thirteen  men  to  steal  a  man's  farm." 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


87 


ORATORY  OF  THE  AFFIDAVIT. 

Shields,  in  his  "Sketches"  of  the  Irish  bar,  says:  "I 
have  offered  a  specimen  of  Irish  society,  as  I  could  collect 
it  from  affidavits  daily  produced  in  court;  yet,  shocking  as 
the  details  are,  I  confess  it  is  not  easy  to  repress  a  smile  at 
the  style  in  which  those  adventurous  scenes  are  described. 
The  affidavits  are  generally  the  composition  of  country 
attorneys.  The  maltreated  process-server  puts  the  story 
of  his  injured  feelings  and  beaten  carcass  into  the  hands 
of  one  of  those  learned  penmen;  and  I  must  do  them  the 
justice  to  say,  that  they  conscientiously  make  the  most  of 
the  task  confided  to  them.  They  have  all  a  dash  of  national 
eloquence  about  them,  the  leading  qualities  of  which  — 
metaphor,  pathos,  sonorous  phrase,  impassioned  delineation, 
etc. —  they  liberally  embody  with  the  technical  details  of 
facts,  forming  a  class  of  oratory  quite  unknown  to  the 
schools:  'The  Oratory  of  the  Affidavits.'  What  British 
adviser,  for  instance,  of  matters  to  be  given  in  on  oath, 
would  venture  upon  such  a  poetical  statement  as  the  fol- 
lowing, which  I  took  down  one  day  in  the  Irish  Court  of 
Common  Pleas: 

" '  And  this  deponent  farther  saith,  that  on  arriving  at 
the  house  of  the  said  defendant,  situate  in  the  county  of 
Galway  aforesaid,  for  the  purpose  of  personally  serving 
him  with  the  said  writ,  he  the  said  deponent  knocked 
three  several  times  at  the  outer,  commonly  called  the  hall, 
door,  but  could  not  obtain  admittance  ;  whereupon  this 
deponent  was  proceeding  to  knock  a  fourth  time,  when  a 
man  to  this  deponent  unknown,  holding  in  his  hands  a 
musket  or  blunderbuss,  loaded  with  balls  or  slugs,  as  this 
deponent  has  since  heard  and  verily  believes,  appeared  at 


38 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


one  of  the  upper  windows  of  said  house,  and,  presenting 
said  musket  or  blunderbuss  at  this  deponent,  threatened, 
that  if  said  deponent  did  not  instantly  retire  he  would  send 
his,  this  deponent's,  soul  to  hell,  which  this  deponent  verily 
believes  he  would  have  done^  had  not  this  deponent  precipi- 
tately escaped.'  " 

To  this  may  be  added  the  affidavit  of  the  Troy  police- 
man who  swore  as  follows: 

"  The  prisoner  set  upon  me,  calling  me  an  ass,  a  pre- 
cious dolt,  a  scarecrow,  a  ragamuffin,  and  idiot,  all  of  which 
I  certify  to  be  true." 


SHARP  ON  A  SHARPER. 

The  spectators  in  a  court-room  always  enjoy  the  retort, 
when  a  lawyer,  badgering  a  witness,  receives  short  replies 
at  his  own  expense.  Sympathy  is  always  against  the 
lawyer.  Even  half-witted  persons  sometimes  hit  the  weak 
point  in  the  harness. 

"  William  Look  !    Tell  us,  William,  who  made  you?  " 

William,  who  was  considered  a  fool,  screwed  up  his 
face,  and  looking  thoughtful  and  somewhat  bewildered, 
answered,  "  Moses,  I  suppose." 

"That  will  do,"  said  Counselor  Gray,  addressing  the 
court.  "  Witness  says  he  supposes  Moses  made  him.  That 
is  an  intelligent  answer;  more  than  1  thought  him  capable 
of  giving,  for  it  shows  that  he  has  some  faint  idea  of 
Scripture.  I  submit  it  was  not  sufficient  to  entitle  him  to 
be  sworn  as  a  witness  capable  of  giving  evidence." 

"Mr.  Judge,"  said  the  fool,  "may  I  ax  the  lawyer  a 
question?  " 

"  Certainly,"  said  the  judge. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


39 


"  Well,  then,  Mr.  Lawyer,  who  do  you  suppose  made 
you?" 

"Aaron,  I  suppose,"  said  Counselor  Gray,  imitating  the 
witness. 

After  the  mirth  had  somewhat  subsided,  the  witness 
drawled  out :  "  Wall,  now,  we  do  read  in  the  Book  that 
AsLTon  once  made  a  calf,  but  who'd  a  thought  the  critter 
had  got  in  here." 

The  Judge  ordered  the  man  to  be  sworn. 


SPECIMEKS  OF  ERSKINE'S  WIT. 

One  of  Lord  Erskine's  greatest  fortes  was  his  flow  of 
genial  and  pleasant  humor,  and  this  made  him  extremely 
popular. 

He  was  once  called  upon  by  an  old  friend  and  asked 
whether  an  action  for  damages  would  lie  in  a  certain  case; 
and  the  evidence  being  clearly  insufficient,  he  replied  with 
one  of  his  best  puns: 

"  The  action  will  not  lie  unless  the  witnesses  c?o." 

And  in  the  Thelwall  case,  the  prisoner,  becoming 
alarmed,  wrote  upon  a  slip  of  paper  :  "  I'm  afraid  I'll  be 
hanged  if  I  don't  plead  my  own  case,"  and  handed  it  to 
Erskine,  his  counsel,  who  replied: 

"You'll  be  hanged  if  you  do." 


TOO  CANDID  BY  HALF. 

Admitting  yourself  out  of  court  is  a  legal  phrase,  signi- 
fying a  liberality  of  concession  to  your  opponent  by  which 
you  destroy  your  own  cause.  This  excess  of  candor  was 
well  illustrated  by  the  Irishman  who  boasted  that  he  had 
often  skated  sixty  miles  a  day.    "  Sixty  miles!  "  exclaimed 


40 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


an  auditor,  "  that  is  a  great  distance  ;  it  must  have  been 
accomplished  when  the  days  were  the  longest." 

"  To  be  sure  it  was  ;  I  admit  that,"  said  the  ingenious 
Hibernian. 

DOES  COUNSEL  TAKE  THE  COURT  TO  BE  A  FOOL? 

When  Hon.  J.  T.  Mills,  of  South  Carolina,  was  upon  the 
bench  he  had  occasion  to  cut  a  counsel  pretty  sharply  in 
the  course  of  a  trial.  His  name  was  Thomas  F.  Smith, 
and  he  had  attempted  to  pull  the  wool  over  the  eyes  of  the 
court  by  outrageously  misstating  the  law  in  his  address  to 
the  jnry.  When  asked  to  charge  the  gentlemen  of  the  jury 
accordingly,  the  judge  became  very  angry,  and,  flushed 
with  excitement,  replied: 

"  Do  you  take  this  court  to  be  a  fool  ?  " 

"  I  hope  your  honor  will  not  insist  on  an  answer  to  that 
question,  as  in  answering  I  might  be  committed  for  con- 
tempt of  court,"  replied  Mr.  Smith. 

"Fine  the  counsel  ten  dollars,  Mr.  Clerk,"  said  the 
judge. 

Smith  paid  the  money,  and  as  he  did  so  remarked,  "  It's 
ten  dollars  more  than  this  court  can  show." 

"  Fine  him  fifty  dollars,"  said  his  honor,  becoming  very 
indignant  at  this  outrage  upon  the  dignity  of  the  court; 
"  I'll  put  a  stop  to  such  impudence." 

The  fine  was  accordingly  entered,  and  Smith  not  having 
any  money  to  respond,  sat  down. 

The  next  morning  the  minutes  of  the  preceding  day's 
business  were  read  over  by  the  clerk,  and  upon  them  was 
the  entry  of  Counselor  Smith's  fine. 

Smith  arose,  and  with  much  kindness  and  a  great  deal 
of  surprise,  said  to  the  judge: 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


41 


"  If  your  honor  please,  the  clerk  took  down  that  little 
joke  of  yours  yesterday  about  the  fifty  dollars  as  a  serious 
one,  as  I  perceive  from  the  minutes  read  this  morning. 
Will  you  be  kind  enough  to  inform  him  of  his  error  and 
have  it  removed  from  the  record  ?  " 

This  little  movement  so  amused  his  honor  that  he 
remitted  the  fine. 


STEPHEN  GIRARD^S  WILL. 

Stephen  Girard's  will  prohibited  clergymen  from  ever 
entering  the  doors  of  Girard  College.  At  a  recent  visit 
of  the  Knights  Templar  of  Boston  to  the  institution, 
one  of  the  knights,  a  well-known  physician,  who  wears  a 
white  neck-tie,  was  passing  in.  The  janitor  accosted  him, 
saying,  "You  can't  pass  in  here,  sir;  the  rule  forbids  it." 
"The  h — 1  I  can't,"  replied  the  physician.  "All  right, 
sir,"  rejoined  the  janitor;  "pass  right  in." 


A  SMART  LAWYER  AND  A  STUPID  JUDGE. 

James  T.  Brown,  of  Indiana,  a  smart  lawyer,  was  once 
employed  to  defend  a  case  in  the  Circuit  Court  of  that 
State.  The  judge  was  not  very  learned  in  technicalities, 
knew  but  little  Latin,  and  much  less  Greek.  The  jury 
were  ordinary  farmers.  After  the  plaintiff's  counsel  had 
opened  the  case.  Brown  rose  and  spoke  for  two  hours  in  a 
very  flowery  and  eloquent  manner,  repeating  Latin  and 
Greek,  and  using  all  the  technicalities  he  could  think  of. 
The  jury  sat  and  eyed  him  with  their  mouths  wide  open, 
the  judge  looked  on  with  amazement,  and  the  lawyers 
laughed  aloud.  Brown  closed.  To  the  jury  and  court  the 
whole  argument  was  as  clear  as  mud.    The  case  was  sub- 


42 


WIT  HUMOR. 


mitted  to  them  without  one  word  of  reply,  and  their  ver- 
dictj  without  leaving  the  box,  was  against  Brown. 

In  the  morning  Brown  appeared  in  court,  and,  bowing 
politely  to  the  judge,  made  a  motion  for  a  new  trial: 

"  May  it  please  your  honor,  I  humbly  rise  this  morning 
to  move  for  a  new  trial ;  not  on  my  own  account,  for  1 
richly  deserve  the  verdict,  but  on  behalf  of  my  client,  who 
is  an  innocent  party  in  this  matter.  On  yesterday  I  gave 
wing  to  my  imagination  and  rose  above  the  stars  in  a  blaze 
of  glory.  I  saw  at  the  time  that  it  was  all  Greek  and 
turkey  tracks  to  you  and  the  jury.  This  morning  I  feel 
humble,  and  I  promise  the  court,  if  it  will  grant  me  a  new 
trial,  that  I  will  try  to  bring  myself  down  to  the  compre- 
hension of  the  court  and  jury." 

The  Judge.  "  Motion  overruled,  and  a  fine  of  five  dol- 
lars imposed  upon  Mr.  Brown  for  contempt  of  court." 

"  For  what?" 

"  For  insinuating  that  the  court  don't  know  l^atin  and 
Greek  from  turkey  tracks." 

"  I  shall  not  appeal  from  that  decision  ;  your  honor  has 
comprehended  me  this  time." 


JUMPING  AT  A  COKCLUSION. 

A  most  amusing  scene  occurred  in  a  case  in  one  of  the 
Western  courts.  It  was  up  for  argument  on  a  Question  of 
law  reserved. 

The  judge  was  dead  set  against  the  derendant  and 
insisted  that  he  understood  the  question  in  controversy  and 
the  legal  points  arising  out  of  it. 

Defendant's  attorney  endeavored  to  explain  y>  the  court 
wherein  it  was  mistaken. 


WTT  AND  HUMOH. 


48 


"  If  your  bono,  please,  that  is  not  the  point  in  ques- 
tion," said  the  attorney. 

"  The  court  thinks  otherwise." 

"  But,"  said  the  attorney,  somewhat  excitedly,  "  I  say 
your  honor  lies  —  "  and  here  he  was  suddenly  cut  short 
by  the  judge. 

"  What  do  you  say,  sir  !  do  you  mean  to  insinuate  the 
court  lies?"  sharply  and  quickly  rapped  his  honor. 

"  No,  I  beg  pardon,  if  the  court  so  understood  it.  What 
I  was  about  to  say,  when  interrupted  by  your  honor,  and 
what  I  now  say  in  the  presence  of  the  court  is :  '  That 
your  honor  lies' — and  taking  a  long  breath  and  coughing 
slightly,  *  under  a  mistake.'" 

This  was  a  satisfactory  explanation,  and  the  court  and 
^ludience  enjoyed  the  scene  with  considerable  merriment, 
and  the  case  proceeded  without  further  interruption. 


EXPOSING  A  QUACK. 

The  late  David  Paul  Brown,  an  eminent  attorney  of  the 
Philadelphia  bar,  used  to  tell  a  very  funny  story: 

A  quack  had  instituted  suit  to  recover  his  bill  for  medi- 
cal services  rendered.  The  defence  was  quackery  and 
worthlessness  of  the  services  rendered.  The  doctor  went 
upon  the  witness  stand  and  was  subjected  to  a  rigid  cross- 
examination  as  follows: 

"  Did  you  treat  the  patient  according  to  the  most 
approved  rules  of  surgery?" 

'*By  all  means — certainly  I  did." 

"Did  you  decapitate  him?" 

"Undoubtedly  I  did;  that  was  a  matter  of  course." 
"Did  you  perform  the  Caesarean  Operation  upon  him?" 


44 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"Why,  of  course;  his  condition  required  it,  and  it  was 
attended  with  very  great  success." 

"  Did  you  then  subject  his  person  to  autopsy?" 

"Certainly;  that  was  the  very  last  remedy  I  adopted." 

"  Well,  then,  doctor,"  said  the  counsel,  "  as  you  first  cut 
off  the  defendant's  head,  then  dissected  him,  and  he  still 
survives  it,  I  have  no  more  to  ask;  and  if  your  claim  will 
survive  it,  quackery  deserves  to  be  immortal." 


GIVING  THE  PRECISE  WORDS. 

A  witness  was  examined  before  a  judge,  in  a  case,  who 
required  him  to  repeat  the  precise  words  spoken.  The 
witness  hesitated  until  he  riveted  the  attention  of  the 
entire  court  upon  him,  then,  fixing  his  eyes  earnestly  on 
the  judge,  began  : 

"  May  it  please  your  honor,  you  lie  and^  steal,  and  get 
your  living  by  stealing." 

The  face  of  the  judge  reddened,  and  he  immediately 
said : 

"  Turn  to  the  jury^  sir." 

SMITH  YS.  BROWN. 
plaintiff's  attorney  was  playing  poker. 

At  a  court  in  ,  Kentucky,  the  case  of  Smith  vs. 

Brown  was  called  up. 

"Who's  for  the  plaintiff?"  inquired  the  judge,  im- 
patiently. 

"  May  it  please  the  court,"  said  a  rising  member  of  the 
legal  fraternity,  "  Pilkins  is  for  the  plaintiff;  but  I  left  him 
just  now  over  in  the  tavern  playing  a  game  of  poker.  He's 
got  a  sucker  there,  and  he  is  sure  to  skin  him  if  he  only 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


45 


has  time.  He's  got  the  thing  all  set  to  ring  a  cold  deck,  in 
which  case  he'll  deal  himself  four  aces  and  his  opponent 
four  queens;  so  that  your  honor  will  perceive  he  must  rake 
the  persimmons." 

"Dear  me!"  said  the  judge,  with  a  sigh;  "that's  too 
bad  !  It  happens  at  a  very  unfortunate  time;  I  am  very 
anxious  to  get  on  with  these  cases." 

A  brown  study  followed,  and  at  length  a  happy  idea 
struck  the  judge. 

"  Bill,"  said  he,  addressing  the  friend  of  the  absent 
Pilkins  who  had  spoken,  "you  understand  poker  about 
as  well  as  Pilkins.  Suppose  you  go  over  and  play  his 
hand."   

Not  long  ago,  in  the  Court  of  Appeals,  an  Irish  lawyer, 
while  arguing  with  earnestness  his  cause,  stated  a  point 
which  the  court  ruled  out. 

"  Well,"  said  the  attorney,  "  if  it  plaze  the  coort,  if  I 
am  wrong  in  this,  I  have  another  point  that  is  aqually  as 
conclusive." 

AN  IRISHMA^N'S  PLEA. 

"Are  you  guilty  or  not  guilty?"  asked  the  clerk  of  the 
Criminal  Court,  to  an  Irish  prisoner. 

"  An'  sure,"  said  Pat,  "  what  are  yees  there  for,  but  to 
foind  that  out  ?  " 

BAR  BAROUS  WIT. 

The  bar  is  noted  for  its  wit;  but  it  is  not  always  that 
the  best  things  are  said  before  the  bar.  A  poor  fellow, 
in  his  examination  the  other  day,  was  asked  if  he  had  not 
been  in  that  court  before,  and  what  for?  (He  had  been 
up  for  body  stealing.)  "  It  was  for  nothin'  at  all,"  said 
o 


46 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


the  humorist,  "  honly  rescuing  a  feller  cretur  from  the 
grave." 

WHICH  END  ? 
A  judge,  pointing  with  his  cane  to  a  prisoner  before 
him,  remarked  :  "  There  is  a  great  rogue  at  the  end  of 
this  stick/'     The   man  replied:    "At  which  end,  your 
honor  ?  " 

AN  IRISHMAN'S  PLEA. 
At  the  last  term  of  our  court,  two  prisoners,  both  Irish- 
men, were  brought  up  on  a  charge  of  larceny.  One  of 
them  pleaded  guilty,  but  the  other  preferred  to  take  his 
chance.  The  judge  asked  him  if  he  had  counsel,  and 
finding  that  he  had  not,  he  assigned  him  a  lawyer,  Mr. 
Coons,  a  young  gentleman  not  so  remarkable  for  brains 
as  for  hair  and  gold  buttons.  The  young  lawyer  rose 
to  present  the  case  of  his  new  client;  looked  first  at  the 
prisoner,  then  at  the  judge,  and  then  all  over  the  court- 
house, but  never  a  word  could  he  find  to  utter.  He  was 
stuck! 

The  prisoner  broke  the  silence.  "  Be  jabers!  your 
honor,"  said  Pat,  "  if  you  can't  do  any  better  for  me  than 
that,  I  may  as  well  plade  guilty  too!"  which  he  did  forth- 
with. 

YOU  WONT  STRIKE  A  MAN  WHEN  HE'S  DOWN,  ETC. 

Curran,  the  Irish  barrister,  was  a  man  of  great  magnetic 
force.  His  oratorical  powers  were  of  the  most  splendid 
style,  and  his  wit,  pathos,  and  sarcasm  irresistible.  He  is 
said  to  have  received  a  call  before  he  had  left  his  bed  one 
morning,  from  a  man  whom  he  had  roughly,  and  with  a 
good  deal  of  insolence,  cross-examined  the  day  before. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


47 


"Sir,"  said  this  irate  man,  presenting  himself  in  Cur- 
ran's  bedroom,  and  arousing  the  barrister  from  slumber  to 
a  consciousness  that  he  was  in  a  very  awkward  position, 
"  I  am  the  gentleman  you  insulted  yesterday  in  court, 
in  the  presence  of  the  whole  county,  and  I  have  come  to 
thrash  you  soundly  for  it."  Thus  suiting  the  action  to  the 
word,  he  raised  a  horsewhip  to  strike  Curran,  when  the 
latter  quickly  said: 

"  You  don't  mean  to  strike  a  man  when  he's  down. 

"  No,  bedad;  I'll  jist  wait  till  you've  got  out  of  bed,  and 
then  I  will  give  it  to  you." 

Curran's  eye  twinkled  humorously  as  he  replied: 

"If  that's  the  case,  by  I'll  lie  here  all  day." 

So  amused  was  the  Irishman  at  this  flash  of  wit,  that  he 
dropped  his  whip,  and  with  a  hearty  roar  of  laughter,  asked 
Curran  to  shake  hands  with  him. 

His  wit,  at  times,  was  extremely  bitter,  as  when  asked 
by  a  young  poet,  whom  he  disliked: 

"Have  you  seen  my  '  Descent  into  Hell?' "  he  replied: 

"No;  I  should  be  delighted  to  see  it." 

At  other  times  his  humor  was  warm  and  delightful,  as 
for  example,  when  his  physician  one  morning  observed: 

"You  seem  to  cough  with  more  difficulty!"  he  replied: 

"That  is  rather  surprising,  for  I  have  been  practicing 
all  night." 

HUMOR  OF  A  JUDGE. 

It  is  related  of  the  late  Judge  P  of  Massachusetts 

that  he  was  very  careless  about  himself  and  his  dress.  His 
friend  Harrison  G.  Otis  was  just  the  reverse,  exceedingly 
neat  and  genteel  in  his  dress  and  graceful  and  kind  in  his 
demeanor.    Meeting  the  judge  one  da,y,  he  said: 


48 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"Judge,  how  often  do  you  change  your  linen  in  a 
week  ? " 

"  Once,"  was  the  reply. 

"  Well,  you  must  be  very  dirty." 

"How  often  do  you  change?"  said  the  judge. 

"Every  day." 

"  Then  you  must  be  more  dirty,  to  require  a  change  so 
often." 


A  LAWYER'S  FEE. 

A  story  is  told  at  the  expense  of  a  legal  gentleman  who 
was  formerly  well  known  in  Norwich,  Conn.,  who  now 
lives  in  Oshkosh.  One  Smith  had  failed  in  business  and 
sold  out,  and  having  two  or  three  tough  little  bills,  had 
given  them  to  this  lawyer  for  collection.  Smith  went  to 
the  office  to  receive  the  proceeds.  The  amount  collected 
was  about  fifty  dollars.  "  I'm  sorry  you've  been  so  unfor- 
tunate. Smith,  for  I  take  a  great  interest  in  you.  I  sha'n't 
charge  you  so  much  as  I  should  if  I  didn't  feel  so  much 
interest  in  you."  Here  he  handed  Smith  fifteen  dollars, 
and  kept  the  balance.  "You  see,  Smith,  I  knew  you  when 
you  were  a  boy,  and  I  knew  your  father  before  you,  and  I 
take  a  good  deal  of  interest  in  you.  Good  morning;  come 
and  see  me  again  ! "  Smith,  moving  slowly  out  of  the 
door,  and  ruefully  contemplating  the  avails,  was  heard  to 
mutter,  "  Thank  God,  you  didn't  know  my  grandfather." 


AS  INNOCEOT  AS  A  SUCKIN^  BABE. 

An  Irishman  being  recently  on  trial  for  some  ofi^ense, 
pleaded  "not  guilty;"  and,  the  jury  being  in  the  box,  the 
State's   solicitor  proceeded  to  call  Mr.  Furkisson  as  a 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


49 


witness.  With  the  utmost  innocence,  Patrick  turned  his 
face  to  the  court,  and  said :  "  Do  I  understand  yer  honor 
that  Mr.  Furkisson  is  to  be  a  witness  forenenst  me  again?" 
The  judge  said  dryly,  It  seems  so."  "  Well  thin,  yer  honor, 
I  plade  guilty,  sure,  and  yer  honor  plaze,  not  because  I 
am  guilty,  for  I'm  as  innocent  as  yer  honor's  suckin'  babe 
at  the  brist,  but  jist  on  the  account  of  saving  Misther 
Furkisson's  50w^." 


HOG  AND  BACON. 

Lord  Bacon  as  a  wit,  a  lawyer,  a  judge  and  philosopher, 
will  be  remembered  through  the  ages  to  come,  down  to 
the  last  syllable  of  recorded  time.  His  life  with  all  its 
accomplishments  is  marred  with  unpleasant  scenes.  Much 
humor  is  traced  to  him  as  its  source.  Perhaps  the  most 
amusing  thing  occurred  in  the  case  of  the  criminal  Hogg, 
convicted  of  a  felony,  who  begged  his  honor  not  to  pass 
sentence  of  death  upon  him,  because  hog  and  bacon  were 
so  near  akin  to  each  other;  to  which  he  replied: 

"  My  friend,  you  and  I  cannot  be  kindred  unless  you  be 
hanged,  for  hog  is  not  bacon  until  it  is  hung."  And  then 
sentence  was  passed  upon  him. 


COULDN'T  TELL  TILL  HE  HEARD  THE  EVIDENCE. 

Some  years  ago  an  Irishman  was  arrested  and  brought 
before  a  New  York  judge  upon  the  charge  of  assault  and 
battery.  He  listened  very  attentively  while  the  indictment 
was  being  read,  and  when  that  was  ended,  was  asked  if  he 
demanded  a  trial. 

Pat,  putting  his  hand  to  his  ear,  and  leaning  forward  in 

utter  ignorance  of  what  had  been  asked  him,  said : 
4 


50 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"  What's  that  ?  " 

The  question  was  repeated,  and  his  reply  was :  "  The 
divil  a  thrial  I  want.  Ye  needn't  give  yourself  the  throuble 
of  thryin'  me  ;  you  may  as  well  save  the  expense  of  that 
and  put  me  down  innocent.  Contint  am  I  to  lave  this  wid 
my  blessin'  on  ye  ;  indade,  I'm  anxious,  for  me  boss  is 
waitin'  for  me  beyant.  Oh,  no,  no !  the  divil  a  thrial  I 
want  at  all,  at  all !  " 

When  the  laughter  in  the  court-room  subsided,  the 
question  was  changed,  and  the  prisoner  was  asked : 

"Are  you  guilty  or  not  guilty?" 

"What's  that  ?"  he  said,  leaning*  forward  again  with  his 
hand  to  his  ear,  as  if  he  hadn't  heard  the  question. 

"Are  you  guilty  or  not  guilty?"  said  the  judge. 

"  Arrah,  now,  your  honor,  how  the  divil  can  I  tell  till  I 
hear  the  evidence  ?  " 

SAID  NO  SUCH  THING. 

The  following  anecdote  is  submitted  to  professional 
gentlemen  who  give  evidence  before  coroner's  juries:  A 
witness  for  the  prosecution  in  a  murder  case  was  thus 
questioned  by  his  honor:  "You  say  you  saw  the  man 
shot  at  and  killed?  "  "  Yes,  sir."  "  You  said,  I  think,  that 
the  charge  struck  the  deceased  on  his  body  between  the 
diaphragm  and  the  duodenum?"  Witness.  "No,  sir;  I 
didn't  say  no  sich  thing.  I  said  he  was  shot  between  the 
hog-pen  and  the  wood-house." 

A  BRIGHT  IDEA. 
Some  years  ago,  in  one  of  our  Western  courts,  three 
men,  an  Englishman,  an  Irishman,  and  a  Scotchman,  were 
found  guilty  of  murder,  and  sentenced  to  be  hung.  The 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


51 


judge  told  them  they  could  each  choose  the  tree  on  which 
they  would  like  to  be  strung  up.  The  Scotchman  promptly 
chose  an  ash  tree,  and  the  Englishman  an  oak  tree.  "Well, 
Pat,  what  will  you  be  hung  on?"  "  If  it  plaze  your  honor, 
I'd  rather  be  hung  on  a  gooseberry  bush."  "  Oh,"  said  the 
judge,  "that's  not  big  enough."  "Begorry  thin,"  replied 
Pat,  brightening  up,  "  I'll  wait  till  it  grows." 

CIRCUMSTANTIAL  EVIDENCE. 

Judge  (to  intelligent  juryman).  "Would  you  convict 
a  man  on  circumstantial  evidence?"  "I  dunno  wot  dat 
is,  jedge."  "Well,  what  do  you  think  it  is?"  "Well, 
'cordin'  to  my  judgment,  sarcumstanshil  is  'bout  dis :  Ef 
one  man  shoots  annudder  and  kills  him,  he  orter  to  be 
hung  for  it.  Ef  he  don't  kill  him,  he  orter  go  to  the 
plenipotentiary." 

A  PENNSYLVANIA  BULL. 

Mr.  W  ,  an  attorney,  many  years  ago  lived  in  a 

^'backwoods"  county  of  Pennsylvania.  He  was  a  genuine 
Irishman  and  as  good-hearted  a  soul  as  ever  landed  from 
the  "ould  sod." 

He  was  possessed  of  very  little  learning,  and  always 
went  about  business  in  a  way  peculiarly  his  own.  A 
client  of  his  had  executed  a  bond,  endorsed  by  some  trick 
or  fraud,  for  which  he  had  received  no  consideration ;  and 
on  reflection,  having  become  alarmed,  applied  to  Mr.  W. 
for  advice.  Mr.  W.  examined  the  records,  and  finding  that 
no  judgment  had  been  entered  on  the  bond,  suspected 
that  the  party  to  whom  the  bond  had  been  given  would 
not  enter  judgment  until  the  court  had  adjourned,  and  the 


52 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


judge  had  gone  to  another  county,  when  he  might  enter 
judgment,  issue  execution,  make  the  money,  and  pocket  it 
before  the  defendant  could  obtain  relief. 

Mr.  W.  determined  to  head  the  villain,  and  accordingly 
prepared  a  motion,  and  an  affidavit  of  the  facts  to  support 
it,  and  coming  into  cou;:-t  in  a  great  hurry,  said : 

"  May  it  plaze  yer  honors,  I  jest  want  to  move  the 
co-r-r-rt  to  strike  off  a  judgment  that  hasn't  been  entered 
at  all,  at  all." 

The  judge  said  to  him  very  pleasantly,  "I  think  you 

are  a  little  too  premature,  Mr.  W  .    Hadn't  you  better 

wait  till  the  judgment  is  entered  ?" 

"And  may  it  plaze  the  co-r-r-rt,"  said  W.,  "I'm  jest 
fearin'  they'll  never  enter  it,  and  that's  why  I  want  it 
struck  off." 

VERY  OBTUSE  WITNESS. 

Thackeray  has  been  police  reporting  for  the  London 
Diogenes,    Here  is  a  sample  : 

Pat  Fogarty  went  all  the  way  from  Manchester  to 
liOndon  to  thrash  Mick  Fitzpatrick,  which  he  did,  winding 
up  the  performance  with  the  assistance  of  an  "awful  horse- 
shoe." He  was  detected  and  brought  before  Mr.  Justice 
Simpleman.    A  part  of  the  examination  is  annexed : 

Court.  "Well,  sir,  you  came  here  from  Manchester 
did  you  ?  " 

Pat.    "Your  honor  has  answered  correct." 

Court.  "You  see  the  complainant's  head;  it  was  cut 
by  a  sharp  instrument.    Do  you  know  what  cut  it  ?  " 

Pat.  "Ain't  your  honor  afther  sayin'  that  a  sharp 
instrument  did  ?  " 

Court  (becoming  restive).    "  I  see  you  mean  to  equivo- 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


53 


cate.  Now,  sir,  you  cut  that  head ;  you  came  here  to  cut 
it,  did  you  not  ?  Now,  sir,  what  motive  brought  you  to 
London  ? " 

Pat.    "  The  locomotive,  yer  honor." 

Court  (waxing  warm).  "  Equivocating  again,  you  scoun- 
drel !  "  (Raising  up  the  horseshoe,  and  holding  it  before 
Pat),  "  Do  you  see  this  horseshoe,  sir  ?  " 

Pat.    ''Is  it  a  horseshoe,  yer  honor?" 

Court.  "  Don't  you  see  it  is,  sir  ?  Are  you  blind  ?  Can 
you  not  tell  at  once  that  it  is  a  horseshoe  ?" 

Pat.    "  Bedad,  no,  yer  honor." 

Court  (angrily).  "No?" 

Pat.    "No,  yer  honor;  but  can  yerself  tell?" 

Court.    "Of  course  I  can,  you  stupid  Irishman." 

Pat  (soliloquizing  aloud).  "  Oh,  glory  be  to  goodness, 
see  what  education  is,  yer  honor !  Sure,  a  poor,  ignorant 
creature  like  myself  wouldn't  know  a  horseshoe  from  a 
mare's." 

When  a  Kentucky  judge,  some  years  ago,  was  asked 
by  an  attorney,  upon  some  strange  ruling : 

"Is  that  law,  your  honor?  "he  replied: 

"  If  the  court  understand  herself,  and  she  think  he  do, 
it  are  !  " 

"  I  say,  Jim,"  said  a  creditor  to  a  bankrupt  the  other 
day,  "what'll  you  pay?" 

"Wall,  I'm  going  to  pay  fifty  cents  on  the  dollar  if  I 
have  to  pay  it  out  of  my  own  pocket." 

THE  STATE  IS  DRUNK. 

A  few  years  ago,  the  State's  attorney  of  a  northern 
county  in  Vermont,  although  a  man  of  great  legal  ability. 


64 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


was  very  fond  of  the  bottle.  On  one  occasion,  an  impor- 
tant criminal  case  was  called  on  by  the  clerk,  but  the 
attorney,  with  owl-like  gravity,  kept  his  chair.  "  Mr. 
Attorney,  is  the  State  ready  to  proceed?"  said  the  judge. 
"Yes  —  hie  —  no  —  your  honor,"  stammered  the  lawyer; 
"the  State  is  not — in  a  state  to  try  this  case,  to-day  ;  the 
State,  your  honor,  is  —  drunk!  " 


DECORUM  m  THE  NEVADA  COURTS. 

The  deference  usually  accorded  to  judicial  dignitaries 
in  the  older  sections  of  the  country  was  not  conspicuous  in 
the  early  days  of  Nevada,  judging  from  a  scene  that 
occurred  in  one  of  the  lively  towns  of  that  region,  related 
to  us  by  one  of  the  pillars  of  the  Nevada  bar. 

On  one  occasion,  court  having  been  formally  opened, 
counsel  in  the  first  case  called  took  exceptions  to  the  ruling 
of  the  court  on  a  certain  point,  and  a  dispute  arose. 

"If  the  court  please,  I  wish  to  refer  to  this  book  a 
moment,"  picking  up  a  law-book. 

"  No  use  referring  to  any  books;  I've  decided  the  p'int," 
responded  the  court. 

"  But  your  honor  ." 

"  Now  I  don't  want  to  hear  anything  further  on  the 
subject.    I  tell  you  I've  decided  the  p'int." 

"  I  tell  you  you  are  wrong,"  retorted  the  counsel. 

"  I  am  right,"  reiterated  the  court. 

"  I  say  you  ain't,"  persisted  the  counsel. 

"  Crier!  "  yelled  the  judge,  "  I  adjourn  this  court  for  ten 
minutes." 

And,  jumping  from  the  bench,  he  pitched  into  the  coun- 
sel, and,  after  a  lively  little  fight,  placed  him  hors  du  com- 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


55 


hat^  after  which  business  was  resumed.  But  soon  another 
misunderstanding  arose. 

"Crier!"  said  the  court,  "we  will  adjourn  this  time  for 
twenty  minutes." 

And  he  was  about  taking  off  his  coat,  when  the  counsel 
said: 

"  Never  mind,  judge  ;  keep  your  seat.  The  p'int  is 
yielded.  My  thumb's  out  o'  j'int,  and  I've  sprained  my 
shoulder." 

The  court  resumed  her  ermine. 


REMOVING  THE  STATE  CAPITAL. 

One  of  the  most  amusing  scenes  in  the  Pennsylvania 
Legislature  occurred  on  a  motion  to  remove  the  State  capi- 
tal from  Harrisburg  to  Philadelphia.  A  matter  of  fact 
member  from  the  rural  districts,  who  had  heard  of  the 
great  facility  with  which  brick  houses  are  moved  from  one 
part  of  a  city  to  another,  and  who  had  not  the  least  objec- 
tion to  the  removal,  rose  and  said: 

"Mr.  Speaker,  I  have  no  objection  to  the  motion,  but  I 
don't  see  how  on  airth  you  are  going  to  git  it  over  the 
river." 

A  petrified  negro  has  been  found  in  an  undertaker's  gar  • 
ret  at  Roanoke,  Miss.  It  is  thought  that  he  undertook  the 
study  of  law  and  became  absorbed  in  Blackstone. 


THAT'S  WHY  HE  MEASURED  IT. 

In  a  recent  case  for  an  assault  the  witness  was  asked  by 
the  counsel: 

"How  far  were  you  from  the  parties,  sir,  when  the 
assault  occurred?" 


56 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"  Four  feet  five  inches  and  a  half!''* 

"Ah?"  fiercely  demanded  the  lawyer,  "  how'd  you  come 
to  be  so  very  exact  as  to  the  distance?" 

"  Well,  because  I  thought  some  confounded  fool  would 
ask  me,  and  so  I  measured  it." 

This  shot  from  the  camp  of  the  enemy  stopped  the 
further  examination  of  the  witness,  and  so  he  was  dismissed 
amidst  a  burst  of  laughter  that  fairly  made  the  old  court- 
house shake. 

Biddy  (to  Paty  in  charge  about  a  difficulty),  "  Never 
fear,  Pat !    Shure  y'ave  got  an  upright  jidge  to  thry  ye  ! " 

Pat.  "Ah,  Biddy,  darlin',  the  divil  an  upright  jidge  T 
want !    'Tis  wan  that'll  lane  a  little  !  " 


WOULD  RATHER  BE  AN  ASS. 

A  judge  and  a  joking  lawyer  were  conversing  about 
the  doctrine  of  transmigration  of  the  souls  of  men  into 
animals. 

"Now,"  said  the  judge,  "suppose  you  and  1  were 
turned  into  a  horse  and  an  ass,  which  would  you  prefer 
to  be?" 

"  The  ass,  to  be  sure,"  replied  the  lawyer. 
"Why? "asked  the  judge. 

"  Because  I  have  heard  of  an  ass  being  a  judge,  but  a 
horse  never." 

•   

THE  OLDEST  INHABITANT. 

Several  years  ago  there  was  such  a  tremendous  freshet 
on  the  Illinois  River  that  it  was  for  a  long  time  referred  to 
as  the  "flood!" 

During  a  law-suit  in  Peoria,  an  old  man  named  Adam, 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


57 


living  in  a  little  hamlet  on  the  river  known  as  Paradise, 
was  examined  as  a  witness. 

"  What  is  your  name?"  was  the  first  question  asked  him. 

"Adam,  sir,"  said  he. 

"Your  name  is  Adam,  is  it?  Well,  where  do  you 
live?" 

"  In  Paradise,  sir." 

"  Oh,  your  name  is  Adam,  and  you  live  in  Paradise,  do 
you  ?    How  long  have  you  lived  there  ? " 

"  Ever  since  the  flood,  sir,"  replied  the  simple  old  man, 
whose  words  were  drowned  in  a  roar  of  laughter,  in  which 
the  court,  jury,  and  spectators  all  heartily  joined. 


DISPUTING  THE  LEGAL  EXISTENCE  OF  A  COURT. 

It  has  been  well  remarked  by  a  distinguished  historian, 
"For  ways  that  are  dark  and  tricks  that  are  vain,  the 
Heathen  Chinee  is  peculiar,"  and  this  wise  aphorism  must 
be  truthfully  applied  to  the  average  California  attorney. 
The  latter  mentioned  individual  is  wont  to  walk  in  ways 
that  are  dark,  whether  it  be  hanging  around  the  city  prison 
and  "heeling  the  peelers"  in  order  that  they  may  gobble 
up  all  the  paying  drunks  and  enjoy  a  monopoly  of  the 
business  of  the  police  court,  or  whether  it  be  in  serving 
summons  in  divorce  suits  upon  fictitious  wives  and  employ- 
ing a  retinue  of  professional  swearers  to  rush  their  cases 
through  the  courts  and  insure  the  payment  of  a  fat  con- 
tingent fee.  Now  and  then,  however,  as  meteors  are 
sometimes  seen  to  flash  across  the  sky,  a  young  attorney, 
with  ambition  in  his  soul,  will  blaze  across  the  legal  firma- 
ment, and  by  a  brilliant  stroke  of  genius  will  create  con- 
sternation in  the  minds  of  judges  and  spectators.    A  case 


58 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


in  which  one  of  this  class  figured  occurred  in  the  Municipal 
Criminal  Court  last  week.  Mr.  Blank,  a  young  attorney  of 
the  last  mentioned  class,  appeared  as  counsel  for  a  villain- 
ous-looking Chinaman  who  was  called  to  receive  sentence 
on  his  conviction  on  a  charge  of  grand  larceny.  Ah 
Shook  was  told  to  stand  up,  and  the  judge  gazed  upon 
him  with  an  eye  in  which  there  was  a  varied  assortment 
of  stern  justice  and  commiseration.  Mr.  Blank  slowly 
rose  from  his  chair,  ran  his  bony  fingers  through  his 
raven  locks,  and,  extending  his  right  arm  in  a  dignified 
and  authoritative  manner,  signified  his  intention  of  making 
a  little  speech. 

"I  propose,"  said  Mr.  Blank,  waving  his  hand  at  the 
assembled  spectators  with  rare  self-possession,  "  I  propose 
to  contest  the  authority  of  this  court  in  the  matter  of  the 
People  of  the  State  of  California  versus  my  worthy  and 
innocent  client.  Ah  Shook;  I  propose,  may  it  please  your, 
honor  —  I  propose  to  establish  the  fact  that  this  court*  has 
no  authority  and  no  legal  existence,  and  that  all  its  acts 
since  its  assumed  organization  have  been  null  and  void  and 
non  compos  mentis^ 

"Hold  on,  young  man!"  exclaimed  the  court,  with  a 
depreciatory  motion  of  the  judicial  hand,  "  that  game  won't 
play  here  worth  a  cent.  While  this  court  has  the  deal,  the 
per  centage  remains  in  its  favor,  and  you  needn't  think  you 
can  hog  the  game  or  bust  the  bank.  May  be  you  think 
you're  playing  it  smart,  but  this  court  has  had  its  eye- 
teeth  filed  and  sand-papered  long  ago,  and  all  traces  of 
vegetation  have  been  carefully  extirpated  from  its  opticular 
organs." 

''May  it  please  your  honor,"  responded  Mr.  Blank,  "I 
have  a  long  line  of  authorities  to  present.    *  Here,  James, 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


69 


bring  in  the  documents.'"  At  these  words  several  little 
boys  entered  the  court-room,  bearing  about  fifty  ponderous 
tomes. 

"  Now,  your  honor,"  continued  Mr.  Blank,  "  I  move  that 
the  defendant  be  discharged  on  the  ground  that  the  court 
has  no  legal  existence." 

The  court  adjusted  its  spectacles  and  remarked  gravely: 
"  Young  feller,  there  are  times  when  patience  ceases  to  be 
a  virtue." 

At  this  juncture  the  deputy-sheriff  stood  behind  the 
attorney,  ready  and  willing  to  take  him  by  the  collar  and 
throw  him  down  stairs;  the  clerk,  in  an  abstracted  manner, 
laid  his  hand  upon  a  heavy  glass  inkstand,  and  the  porter 
stood  at  the  door  with  a  large  sized  broom  in  his  hand. 

"  My  friend,"  continued  the  court,  mildly,  "  it  is  now 
Autumn,  when  the  cottonwoods  shed  their  leaves  and 
nothing  is  green  but  the  evergreen.  But  you  make  a  — 
ahem  —  a  condemned  mistake  when  you  take  me  for  an 
evergreen.  In  all  the  experience  of  this  court  it  has  never 
happened  that  an  attorney  was  fool  enough  to  request  the 
court  to  legislate  itself  out  of  office,  and  out  of  the  per- 
quisites and  emoluments  pertaining  to  the  same.  This 
court  was  at  first  disposed  to  deal  leniently  with  this 
depraved  heathen ;  but  in  order  to  vindicate  its  authority, 
it  imposes  a  sentence  upon  your  client  of  four  years  in 
the  State  prison.  As  for  your  authorities,  you  may  go 
to  —  ahem  —  to  the  Supreme  Court  or  anywhere  else  with 
them.  This  court  stands  upon  its  dignity,  sir,  and  if  it  did 
not  respect  your  poverty  it  would  impose  a  fine  of  $1.50 
upon  you  for  contempt;  but  the  court  is  magnanimous,  sir. 
You  may  take  your  hand  off  his  collar,  Mr.  Sheriff.  The 
court  now  adjourns  for  refreshments." 


60 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


The  lawyer  was  seen  half  an  hour  later  loading  up  an 
express  wagon  with  his  authorities. 


A  judge  in  Indiana  threatened  to  fine  a  lawyer  for  con- 
tempt of  court.  "  I  have  expressed  no  contempt  for  the 
court,"  said  the  lawyer  ;  "on  the  contrary,  I  have  carefully 
concealed  my  feelings." 


SQUELCHING  A  LEGAL  BULLY. 

The  following  is  old,  and  if  it  has  been  in  print,  it  will 
bear  printing  again: 

There  was,  five  and  twenty  years  ago,  an  attorney  named 
Boonton.  Had  he  been  on  the  frontier  he  would  have  been 
either  a  blood-letter  or  an  arrant  coward;  but  here  he  was 
simply  a  noisy,  coarse-grained  bully;  and  his  chief  delight 
was  to  badger  and  bully  witnesses  of  the  opposing  counsel 
on  the  stand. 

One  day  a  horse  case  was  on  trial,  in  which  Boonton  was 
for  the  defendant. 

By-and-by  counsel  for  the  plaintiff  called  a  witness  who 
was  supposed  to  be  something  of  a  horse-doctor. 

He  was  a  middle-aged,  easy,  good-natured  man,  clad  in 
homespun,  whose  bronzed  brow  and  hard  hands  betokened 
sweat  and  toil. 

His  testimony,  which  was  clear,  simple,  and  direct,  made 
things  look  dark  for  the  defendant,  and  when  Boonton  got 
hold  of  him,  he  proceeded  to  cro55-question  him  in  his  usual 
brutal  manner. 

Said  cross-examination  wound  up  rather  abruptly,  as 
follows: 

"Well,  now,"  demanded  the  counsel,  with  a  tomahawk- 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


61 


like  flourish,  "what  do  you  know  about  a  horse,  a^^way? 
Do  you  really  profess  to  be  a  horse-doctor  f  " 

"  No,  sir,  not  exactly.  I  don't  profess  to  be  a  horse-doc- 
tor, but  I  know  a  good  deal  about  the  nater  of  the  beast." 

"  That  is,"  cried  Boonton,  glaring  first  at  the  witness, 
and  then  smiling  at  the  jury,  nodding  graciously  at  the 
court,  and  sweeping  a  triumphant  glance  over  the  audi- 
ence, "  that  is  to  say,  sir,  you  know  a  horse  from  a  jackass 
when  you  see  them?" 

"  Ah  —  ya-as  —  jes'  so,"  returned  the  witness,  with 
imperturbable  good  humor  and  gravity  —  "  between  the  two 
beasts  I  should  never  take  you  for  the  horseP 

For  once  in  his  life,  at  least,  the  bully  was  effectually 
squelched,  and  amid  the  wild  roar  which  followed  he 
threw  himself  into  his  seat,  and  allowed  the  witness  to 
leave  the  stand. 


A  WARM  REJOINDER. 

Some  years  ago  up  in  Connecticut,  a  long,  lean  Yankee 
dropped  into  the  old  Franklin  hotel.  The  weather  was 
cold,  and  a  knot  of  lawyers  were  in  the  bar-room  sitting 
around  the  fire,  smoking,  drinking,  and  chatting. 

A  young  sprig  spoke  to  him  and  said: 

"  You  look  like  a  traveler." 

"  Wall,  I  'spose  I  am ;  I  come  from  Wisconsin  afoot, 
'tany  rate." 

"  From  Wisconsin  !  that  is  quite  a  distance  to  come  on 
one  pair  of  legs.  I  say,  did  you  ever  pass  through  the 
'  lower  regions '  in  your  travels?" 

"  Yes,  sir,"  he  answered,  a  kind  of  wicked  look  stealing 
over  his  ugly  phizmahogany,  I  'ben  through  the  out- 
skirts." 


62 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"  I  thought  it  likely.   Well,  what  is  it  like  down  there?" 

*'  Oh,"  said  the  Yankee,  deliberately,  half  shutting  his 
eyes,  and  drawing  around  the  corner  of  his  mouth,  "you'll 
find  it  much  the  same  as  in  this  region  —  the  lawyers  sit 
nighest  the  jire!*'^ 

"  I  wish  to  ask  the  court,"  said  a  facetious  lawyer,  who 
had  been  called  to  the  witness  stand  to  testify  as  an  expert, 
"  if  I  am  compelled  to  come  into  this  case,  in  which  I  have 
no  personal  interest,  and  give  a  legal  opinion  for  another?" 

"  Yes,  yes,  certainly,"  replied  the  mild-mannered  judge, 
^'  give  it  for  what  it  is  worth." 


AN  AVERAGE  JUROR. 

Questions  alternately  by  the  court,  the  State's  attorney, 
and  the  defense,  as  usually  answered  by  an  "intelligent 
juror." 

"Are  you  opposed  to  capital  punishment?" 
"  Oh,  yes  —  yes,  sir." 

"If  you  were  on  a  jury,  then,  where  a  man  was  being 
tried  for  his  life,  you  wouldn't  agree  to  a  verdict  to  hang 
him?" 

"  Yes,  sir  —  yes,  T  would." 

"  Have  you  formed  or  expressed  an  opinion  as  to  the 
guilt  or  innocence  of  the  accused?" 
"Yes,  sir!" 

"Your  mind,  then,  is  made  up?" 
"  Oh,  no  —  no,  it  ain't." 

"Have  you  any  bias  for  or  against  the  prisoner?" 
"  Yes,  I  think  I  have." 
"  Are  you  prejudiced?  " 
"  Oh,  no,  not  a  bit." 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


63 


"Have  you  ever  heard  of  this  case?" 
"  I  think  I  have." 

"Would  you  decide,  if  on  the  jury,  according  to  the 
evidence  or  mere  rumor?" 
"  Mere  rumor." 

"  Perhaps  you  don't  understand ;   would  you  decide 
according  to  evidence?" 
"  Evidence." 

"  If  it  was  in  your  power  to  do  so,  would  you  change 
the  law  of  capital  punishment  or  let  it  stand?" 
"Let  it  stand." 

The  court:  "Would  you  let  it  stand  or  change  it?" 
"  Change  it." 

"Now,  which  would  you  do?" 
"  Don't  know,  sir." 
"Are  you  a  freeholder?" 
"  Yes  —  sir,  oh  yes." 

"  Do  you  own  a  house  and  land,  or  rent?  " 

"  Neither  —  I'm  a  boarder." 

"  Have  you  formed  an  opinion?" 

"  No,  sir." 

"  Have  you  expressed  an  opinion  ?  " 
"Think  I  have." 

The  court.  "Gentlemen,  I  think  the  juror  is  competent. 
It  is  very  evident  he  has  never  formed  or  expressed  an 
opinion  on  the  subject." 


"What  would  be  your  notion  of  absent-mindedness?" 
asked  Rufus  Choate  of  a  witness  whom  he  was  cross- 
examining.  "  Well,"  said  the  witness,  with  a  strong 
Yankee  accent,  "I  should  say  that  a  man  who  thought 
heM  left  his  watch  to  hum,  and  took  it  out'n  'is  pocket 


64 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


to  see  if  he'd  time  to  go  hum  and  get  it,  was  a  leetle 
absent-minded." 

A  LAW  REPORT  IN  RHYME. 

Two  cousins  claimed  an  account,  each  against  the  other, 
and  litigated  very  spiritedly.  The  case  was  reported  as 
"  Owen  Kerr  vs.  Owen  Kerr."  While  this  trial  was  in 
progress,  a  prominent  member  of  the  bar,  possessing  a 
decided  poetical  turn  of  mind,  composed  the  following 
lines  on  the  true  merits  of  the  case,  which  are  too  good  to 
be  lost,  though  not  legitimately  belonging  to  the  regular 
"  law  report : " 

OWEN  KERR  VS.  OWEN  KERR. 

If  the  strife  in  this  case  is  extremely  perverse, 

'Tis  because  'tis  between  a  couple  of  "Kerrs," 

Each  Owen  is  Owen  —  but  here  lies  the  bother  — 

To  determine  which  Owen  is  owin'  the  other. 

Each  Owen  swears  Owen  to  Owen  is  owin\ 

And  each  alike  certain,  dog-matic  and  knowm\ 

But  His  hoped  that  the  jury  will  not  be  deterred 

From  finding  which  ''Kerr"  the  true  debt  has  incurred; 

Thus  settling  which  Owen  by  owin'  has  failed, 

And  that  justice  'twixt  curs  has  not  been  curtailed. 


A  negro  witness  in  a  trial  the  other  day  was  asked 
what  he  was  doing  in  a  certain  liquor  shop  at  a  certain 
time.  He  explained  that  he  had  gone  there  to  "change 
his  brefF."    The  explanation  was  accepted. 


CURIOUS  QUESTIONS. 

Attorney  Generals  have  curious  law  questions  submitted 
for  answers.  Vide  the  following  from  a  State  not  very  far 
distant : 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


65 


To  the  Attorney  General : 

Dear  Sur  —  Please  releave  a  perplexed  colecktor  : 

1.  If  a  man  is  assessed  for  a  dog  and  won't  pay  it,  what 
shall  I  do  ? 

2.  If  the  dog  dies  after  it  is  assessed  and  before  it  is 
payable,  must  I  collect  it  ? 

3.  If  a  man  is  assessed  for  a  dog  who  never  had  a  dog, 
how  shall  I  get  rid  of  it  ? 

Every  good  citizen  will  regret  to  hear  that  the  subordi- 
nates made  fun  of  it,  and  sent  back  the  following  unseemly 
reply : 

1.  Make  the  dog  pay  it. 

2.  Yes,  unless  it  is  too  far  gone. 

3.  Tie  a  tin  pan  to  its  tail. 

An  Irishman  was  brought  before  a  justice  of  the  peace 
on  a  charge  of  vagrancy,  and  was  thus  questioned : 

"  What  trade  are  you  ?  "  "  Shure,  now,  your  honor,  an' 
I'm  a  sailor."  "You  a  seafaring  man  ?  I  question  whethei 
you  have  ever  been  to  sea  in  your  life."  "  Shure,  now, 
an'  does  your  honor  think  I  come  over  from  Ireland  in  a 
wagin  ?  " 

A  negro  being  asked  what  he  was  in  jail  for,  said  it  was 
for  borrowing  money.  "  But,"  said  the  questioner,  "  they 
don't  put  people  in  jail  for  borrowing  money."  "Yes," 
Baid  the  darkey;  "but  I  had  to  knock  the  man  down  free 
or  fo'  times  before  he  would  lend  it  to  me." 

A  CLASSICAL  JUDGE. 

The  late  Judge  Thayer,  of  Iowa,  was  a  man  of  whom 
many  good  stories  are  told.    His  classical  education  was 

5 


66 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


sadly  neglected.  He  was  very  severe  upon  prisoners,  and 
generally  gave  them  the  full  penalty  of  the  law.  One  time 
he  was  holding  court,  and  a  man  named  Were  was  on  trial 
for  murder.  The  name  in  the  indictment  was  written 
Wear,  and  a  motion  was  made  to  quash  the  indictment  on 
that  account.  The  prosecuting  attorney  objected,  and 
read  the  law  of  Idem  sonans  (similar  sound)  as  applicable 
to  the  case.  The  judge,  somewhat  impatient  at  the  delay, 
cried  out : 

"Exactly,  sir — exactly — just  so  —  just  so.  The  coun- 
sel will  proceed  to  trial.  The  law  of  Sojians  tonans  applies 
to  this  case  !  " 


PADDY'S  ALIBI. 

In  the  Court  of  Quarter  Sessions  of  Schuylkill  County, 
Pennsylvania,  a  few  years  ago,  a  party  of  five  unfortunate 
Hibernians  were  on  trial,  charged  with  riot  and  assault, 
with  intent  to  kill.  The  circumstances  of  the  affair  were 
of  an  aggravated  character,  and  the  interest  felt  in  the 
case  by  the  friends  of  the  accused  was  great.  The  Com- 
monwealth had  made  out  a  strong  case,  and  rested.  The 
defense  was  an  alibi. 

By  the  showing  of  the  prosecution  the  riot  commenced 
after  ten  o'clock  at  night.  One  of  the  witnesses  for  the 
defense,  Patrick,  testified  that  Dennis,  one  of  the  accused, 
was  at  home  and  in  bed  with  him,  before  eight  o'clock  on 
the  evening  of  the  affray,  and  never  left  it  until  the  row 
was  over  —  a  rather  improbable  story  of  two  Irishmen 
within  sound  of  a  "  nate  little  bit  of  a  fight." 

"How  do  you  know  that  it  was  before  eight  o'clock?" 
asked  the  attorney  for  the  State. 


WIT  AND  HUMOK. 


67 


"  Sure  we  had  a  clock  in  the  house,"  promptly  replied 
Pat. 

"And  did  the  clock  strike  eight  after  Dennis  came  in?" 
inquired  the  attorney. 

"  Well  no;  the  clock  wasn't  shtriking  at  that  time,"  said 
Pat. 

"Ah!  and  what  was  the  matter  with  the  clock?"  asked 
the  attorney. 

"  It  was  out  of  order  and  not  going  for  a  few  days," 
replied  the  witness. 

"  Then,  if  the  clock  was  not  going,  how  do  you  know 
that  Dennis  was  in  before  eight  o'clock?" 

"  Well^  I  know  that  he  was  in  before  the  time  v^hen  the 
clock  used  to  be  shtriking  eight  when  it  did  shtrike!'^'^  tri- 
umphantly answered  Patrick. 

This  was  a  clincher;  poor  Dennis  was  convicted  —  a 
victim  of  unfortunate  circumstances,  one  of  which  was  the 
ownership  of  a  clock  that  didn't  "sA^n^e"  while  the  jury 
was  satisfied  that  the  owner  did. 


COLONEL  SPENCER'S  SPOONS." 

It  is  told  of  Colonel  Charles  Spencer,  counselor  at  law, 
that  some  years  ago  he  had  to  defend  one  Marshall,  charged 
with  larceny,  and  against  whom  there  was  very  strong  evi- 
dence. Before  the  trial  Spencer  went  to  his  client  and 
told  him  that  his  only  chance  of  escape  was  in  a  plea  of 
insanity,  and  he  advised  him  to  play  the  lunatic,  and  to 
answer  all  questions  put  to  him  with  the  word  "  spoons." 
The  day  of  the  trial  came  on,  and  Marshall  took  his  place 
in  the  dock,  pale,  haggard  and  wild-looking. 

"Guilty  or  not  guilty?"  asked  the  clerk. 


68 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"Spoons! "  drawled  the  prisoner,  with  a  blank  stare. 
"  Come,  plead  guilty  or  not  guilty,"  repeated  the  clerk. 
"  Spoons!  "  was  the  only  reply. 

"Pri3  ler,  will  you  answer  the  question  put  to  you, 
or  do  you  want  to  be  punished  for  contempt?"  asked  the 
judge. 

"  Spoons,"  bawled  the  prisoner,  still  unmoved. 

At  this  point  the  counsel  for  the  prisoner  interfered,  and 
told  the  court  that  his  client  was  not  in  a  condition  to  be 
put  on  trial,  as  he  was  evidently  not  responsible  for  his 
actions,  and  it  was  an  outrage  on  a  free  citizen,  etc. 

"Do  you  understand  what  is  said?"  asked  the  judge, 
addressing  the  prisoner. 

"  Spoons,"  was  his  reply,  in  accents  wild. 

It  was  evident  that  the  man  was  crazy,  and  the  judge 
ordered  him  discharged.  He  was  taken  charge  of  by  his 
friends,  who  were  present,  and  left  the  court  with  them. 
Counselor  Spencer  followed  them,  and,  congratulating  him 
on  his  escape,  suggested  that  it  might  be  a  good  idea 
to  pay  him  his  fee.  His  client  stared  at  him  with  blank 
amazement,  and  moved  away  with  the  simple  remark, 
"  Spoons." 

WANTED  TO  GET  OFF  THE  JURY. 

Some  years  ago  an  amusing  and  laughable  scene  occurred 
before  Judge  Oakey,  of  New  York. 

Counsel  were  about  to  proceed  to  open  a  case  to  a  jury, 
when  one  of  the  jurymen  got  up  and  said: 

"  If  your  honor  please,  I'd  like  to  get  off  the  jury." 

"  You  can't  get  off  without  a  good  excuse." 

"  I  have  a  good  reason." 

"  You  must  tell  it,  or  serve,"  said  the  judge. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


69 


"  But,  your  honor,  I  don't  believe  the  other  jurors  would 
care  to  have  me  serve." 

"  Why  not?  out  with  it! " 
"Well  —  "  (hesitating). 
" Go  on!" 
"  I've  got  the  itch." 

"  Mr.  Clerk,"  was  the  witty  reply,  "  scratch  that  man 
out."  It  is  needless  to  say  that  this  was  one  of  the  most 
mirth-provoking  scenes  that  ever  occurred  in  the  court- 
room. 

"BUMP  vs.  BAKER." 

At  the  last  term  of  the  Court  of  Common  Pleas  of  Upper 
Sandusky,  Ohio,  there  happened  to  be  upon  the  docket  a 
case  of  "  Bump  against  Baker."  When  Judge  Beer  reached 
this  case  upon  the  first  call  there  was  no  answer,  and  the 
judge  called  out  to  the  attorney  for  the  plaintiff: 

"  Mr.  J  ,  '  Bump  against  Baker.'  " 

Mr.  J  ,  who  had  not  been  paying  strict  attention,  and 

evidently  not  comprehending  the  situation,  looked  up  and 
said: 

"  Bump  against  him  yourself^'*  at  which  the  court  and 
bar  took  a  good  laugh  at  his  expense. 


AN  INTELLIGENT  JUDGE —  PRICE  OF  A  COW'S  TAIL. 

A  correspondent  writing  from  Glenville,  Kentucky,  gives 
the  following  particulars  of  a  remarkable  law  suit: 

In  my  last  I  promised  to  give  you  the  particulars  of  the 
Hadley-Turner  cow  trial.  There  was  some  trouble  in  pro- 
curing a  jury,  as  the  parties  could  agree  on  no  number  less 
than  twelve,  but  our  indefatigable  constable  soon  succeeded 
in  getting  the  requisite  number,  and  the  trial  commenced. 

D 


70 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


It  seems  that  Turner's  dog  had  bitten  off  Hadley's  cow's 
tail,  and  there  was  a  conflict  in  the  testimony  as  to  whether 
the  dog  was  acting  on  his  own  free  will  or  whether  he  was 
obeying  the  commands  of  his  master.  The  jury  would 
have  been  troubled  to  make  a  verdict  had  it  not  been  for 
the  very  explicit  instructions  of  his  honor,  the  court.  I 
regret  that  I  can  not  give  you  a  verbatim  copy  of  the 
instructions;  as  it  is,  I  can  only  report  from  a  very  treach- 
erous memory. 

1.  The  court  instructs  the  jury  that  if  they  believe  from 
the  evidence  beyond  the  influence  of  a  reasonable  doubt, 
plaintiff's  cow's  tail  was  bitten  off  by  defendant's  dog,  they 
should  find  for  the  plaintiff  and  assess  his  damage  at  such 
sum  as  they  think  the  tail  was  proven  to  be  reasonably 
worth,  not  to  exceed  the  amount  in  the  petition. 

2.  The  court  further  instructs  the  jury  that  if  they 
believe  from  the  evidence  that  the  dog  was  acting  on  his 
own  responsibility,  and  not  under  the  control  of  the  defend- 
ant, then  the  case  partakes  naturally  of  the  nature  of  a  pro- 
ceeding in-rem^  and  they  must  find  for  the  defendant  and 
against  the  dog. 

3.  The  court,  at  the  instance  of  defendant's  attorney, 
further  instructs  the  jury  that  a  cow  knoweth  not  the  value 
of  a  tail  until  she  loses  it,  and,  in  assessing  the  damages, 
they  have  a  right  to  take  into  consideration  all  the  facts 
and  circumstances  in  the  case  ;  the  disadvantages  as  well 
as  the  advantages  of  a  cow's  tail;  the  value  to  the  cow;  the 
information  gained  by  the  loss  of  the  tail,  and  deduct  said 
sum  from  the  total  assessment. 

The  jury  retired,  and  returned  with  a  verdict  in  these 
words:  "  We,  the  jury,  find  for  the  plaintiff  one  dollar  and 
fifty  cents.  Sam  Potts,  Foreman^ 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


71 


WORKED  ON  THE  FARM  EVER  SINCE  HE  WAS  BORN. 

A  woman  was  testifying  in  behalf  of  her  son,  and  swore 
that  he  had  worked  on  a  farm  ever  since  he  was  born." 
The  lawyer  who  cross-examined  her,  said: 
"  You  assert  that  your  son  has  worked  on  a  farm  ever 
since  he  was  born?" 
"I  do." 

"  What  did  he  do  the  first  year?'' 

''He  milked:' 

The  lawyer  evaporated. 


An  irritable  and  obstinate  judge  gave  great  offence  to 

Mr.  H  ,  by  refusing  attention  to  his  argument,  upon 

which  the  lawyer,  turning  to  a  friend,  observed  rather 
sharply: 

"That  judge  has  every  quality  of  a  jackass  —  except 
patience." 

HUMORS  OF  THE  SCAFFOLD. 

An  Irishman  had  been  convicted  of  a  robbery  at  the 
Old  Bailey  Sessions,  London,  England,  for  which  he  was 
brought  up  with  others,  to  receive  judgment  of  death. 

The  prisoner,  on  being  called  on  by  the  officer  of  the 
court,  in  the  usual  way,  to  declare  what  he  had  to  say 
why  sentence  of  death  should  not  be  passed  upon  him, 
advanced  to  the  front  of  the  dock,  with  a  vacant  stare,  and 
inquired: 

"What  was  the  question?" 

"  You  have  been  convicted  of  robbery.  What  have  you 
to  say  why  sentence  of  death  should  not  be  passed  upon 
you  according  to  law?" 


72 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"  Faith,"  answered  the  prisoner,  "  T  have  nothing  much 
to  say,  except  that  I  do  not  think  I  am  safe  in  your  hands." 

The  court  laughed;  sentence  was  passed,  and  the  pris- 
oner was  about  to  retire,  when  the  officer  of  the  court  called 
him  back  and  demanded  to  know  his  age. 

"  My  age  you  mane?  " 

"  What  is  your  age?" 

"  I  believe  I  am  pretty  well  as  ould  as  ever  I'll  be." 

Again  the  whole  court  was  convulsed  with  laughter  ; 
but  the  wretched  man  whose  mirth-provoking  powers  were 
quite  involuntary,  was  doomed  even  at  the  scaffold  to  "  set 
the  people  in  a  roar."  In  the  presfr-room  his  irons  were 
removed,  and  his  arms  confined  with  cords.  This  being 
done,  he  seated  himself,  and  in  spite  of  the  calls  of  Jack 
Ketch,  and  of  the  sheriffs,  to  accompany  them  in  the  pro- 
cession to  the  scaffold,  he  remained  sullenly  on  the  bench 
where  he  had  taken  up  his  position. 

"  Come,"  at  last  urged  the  hangman,  "  the  time  has 
arrived." 

But  the  Irishman  would  not  move. 

"  The  officers  are  waiting  for  you,"  said  the  sheriff. 
"  Can  anything  be  done  for  you  before  you  quit  this 
world?" 

No  answer  was  returned.    Jack  Ketch  grew  surly. 

If  you  won't  go,  I  must  carry  you,"  he  said, 
*'Then  you  may,"  said  the  prisoner,  "for  I'll  not  walk." 
"  Why  not  ?  "  inquired  a  sheriff. 

"  I'll  not  be  instrumental  to  my  own  death,"  replied  the 
prisoner. 

"  What  do  you  mean  ? "  asked  the  ordinary. 
"What  do  I  mane?"  retorted  the  hapless  man;  "1 
mane  that  I'll  not  walk  to  my  own  destruction." 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


73 


And  in  this  determination  he  persisted,  and  was  carried 
to  the  scaffold,  where  he  was  turned  off,  refusing  to  do 
anything  which  might  be  construed  into  his  being  a  party 
to  his  own  death. 


"All  the  judges  of  the  United  States  courts  follow  the 

Pennsylvania  decisions  as  a  beacon,"  said    Mr.  , 

addressing  the  court. 

"  Well,  then,  it's  no  wonder,"  said  the  court,  "  that 
they  are  so  often  wrecked  or  run  ashoreP 


A  GOOD  ONE  ON  THE  BENCH. 

One  of  the  most  amusing  anecdotes  ever  related  of  the 
legal  profession,  was  published  in  the  "Editor's  Drawer" 
of  Harper'^s  Magazine^  many  years  ago.  It  comes  from 
the  interior  of  the  Keystone  State,  and  is  told  as  fol- 
lows : 

"  Wiggins  is  an  Irish  lawyer  at  our  bar,  an  honest 
fellow,  as  all  lawyers  are  (!!!);  and  Prince  is  the  prince 
of  jokers,  and  another  of  our  set.  They  met  as  usual  at 
the  Supreme  Court.  Wiggins  had  argued  a  case  very 
much  to  his  own  satisfaction,  in  the  course  of  his  argu- 
ment addressing  the  court  as  gentlemen^  instead  of  using 
the  customary  form,  'your  honors.' 

"After  adjournment.  Prince  took  Wiggins  aside  and 
said :  '  You  made  a  great  mistake  in  your  remarks,  in 
addressing  the  court  as  gentlemen ^  the  chief  justice  was 
very  much  offended,  and  you  had  better  apologize  for  it  in 
the  morning,  or  your  case  will  suffer.'  Wiggins  deter- 
mined to  make  the  matter  all  right.  At  the  opening  next 
morning,  he  rose  and  said  : 


74 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"  *  May  it  please  the  court,  I  rise  to  beg  your  honors' 
pardon  for  a  blunder  of  mine,  committed  yesterday.  In 
the  heat  of  debate  1  so  far  forgot  myself  as  to  call  your 
honors  gentlemen,  I  will  endeavor  not  to  make  the  mis- 
take again.' 

"  The  gravity  of  the  bench  V7as  overset,  and  court,  bar, 
and  audience  applauded  the  Irishman." 


AN  ATTEMPT  TO  PROVE  AN  ALIBI. 

The  following  took  place  in  an  attempt  to  prove  an 
alibi : 

Attorney  S.  "  You  say  that  Ellis  plowed  for  you  all 
day  on  the  29th  of  November  ?  " 

Witness  (referring  to  his  book).    "  Yes." 
S.    "  What  did  he  do  on  the  30th?  " 
W.  "  He  chopped  wood." 
S.    "On  the  31st?" 

W.  "That  was  Sunday,  and  he  went  a  squirrel  hunt- 
ing." 

S.    "  What  did  he  do  on  the  32d?" 

W.  "  He  threshed  the  wheat  on  that  day." 

S.    "  What  did  he  do  on  the  33d?  " 

W.  "  It  was  raining,  and  he  shaved  out  some  handles." 

S.    "  What  did  he  do  on  the  34th?" 

W.  "  He  chopped  wood." 

S.    "  What  did  he  do  on  the  ." 

But  before  the  question  could  be  finished,  the  witness' 
wife  seized  him  by  the  collar  and  whisked  him  outside  of 
the  witness  box,  yelling  in  his  affrighted  ear,  "  You  old 
fool !  don't  you  know  that  there  are  only  thirty-one  days 
in  the  month  of  November?" 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


76 


HUMOR  OF  JUDGE  UNDERWOOD. 

Judge  Underwood,  of  Georgia,  was  one  of  the  happiest 
men  of  his  time,  and  ever  ready  for  any  thing  that  savors 
of  the  humorous. 

"  Don't  you  think,"  said  an  attorney  to  the  judge,  "that 
Jim  Pearson  is  the  greatest  liar  of  a  lawyer  that  you  ever 
saw?  " 

"I  should  be  sorry  to  say  that  of  Brother  Pearson," 
replied  his  honor,  "  hut  he  certainly  wrestles  harder  with  the 
truth  than  any  other  lawyer  on  the  circuit." 

Another  good  one  is  told  of  the  judge  :  He  was  once 
on  his  way,  by  rail,  from  Chattanooga  to  Atlanta,  and  the 
passengers  were  considering  what  hotels  they  should  go  to 
on  their  arrival.    One  of  the  party  said  : 

"Let's  go  to  Lloyd's;  he's  a  Know  Nothing." 

"  Oh,"  said  the  judge,  "  I  shall  stop  at  Thompson's  ;  he 
knows  little  enough  for  m6." 


RUFUS  CHOATE  SILENCED. 

Mr.  Choate  rarely  failed  to  show  mental  supremacy  any- 
where, and  generally  came  off  with  flying  colors  from  any 
play  of  wit  with  judge,  lawyer,  or  witness,  but  occasionally 
when  teasing  a  witness,  the  great  lawyer  found  his  match 
and  was  silenced.    Here  is  a  case: 

Choate,  in  an  important  assault  and  battery  case  at  sea. 
had  Dick  Barton,  chief  mate  of  the  clipper  ship  Chal- 
lenge, on  the  stand,  and  badgered  him  so  for  about  an 
hour,  that  Dick  got  his  salt  water  up,  and  hauled  by  the 
wind  to  bring  the  keen  Boston  lawyer  under  his  batteries. 

At  the  beginning  of  his  testimony,  Dick  said  that  the 
night  was  dark  and  rainy. 


76 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


Suddenly  Mr.  Choate  asked: 

"  Was  there  a  moon  that  night?" 

"  Yes,  sir." 

"  Ah,  yes!  a  moon  "  

"  Yes,  a  full  moon." 
"  Did  you  see  it?" 
"Not  a  mite." 

" Then  how  do  you  know  there  was  a  moon?" 

"  The  '  Nautical  Almanac '  said  so,  and  I  will  believe 
that  sooner  than  any  lawyer  in  the  world." 

"What  was  the  principal  luminary  that  night?" 

"  Binnacle  lamp  aboard  the  Challenge." 

"Ah!  you  are  growing  sharp,  Mr.  Barton." 

"What  in  blazes  have  you  been  grinding  me  this  hour 
for  —  to  make  me  dull?" 

"  Be  civil,  sir!  And  now  tell  me  what  latitude  and  longi- 
tude you  crossed  the  equator  in." 

"  Sho  —  you're  joking  !  " 
No,  sir,  I  am  in  earnest,  and  I  desire  you  to  answer 
me." 

"  I  shan't." 

"Ah!  you  refuse,  do  you?" 
"Yes;  I  can't." 

"Indeed!  You  are  the  chief  mate  of  a  clipper  ship,  and 
are  unable  to  answer  so  simple  a  question?" 

"Yes!  — 'tis  the  simplest  question  I  ever  had  asked  me. 
Why,  I  thought  every  fool  of  a  lawyer  knew  that  there 
was  no  latitude  at  the  equator?" 

That  shot  silenced  the  great  lawyer. 


"  This  world  is  all  a  fleeting  show,"  said  a  priest  to  a 
culprit  on  the  gallows. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


77 


"  yes,"  was  the  prompt  reply,  "but  if  you  have  no  objec- 
tion I'd  like  to  see  the  show  a  little  longerc" 


CAUSE  AND  EFFECT. 

In  the  hearing  of  an  Irish  case  for  assault  and  battery, 
counsel,  in  cross-examining  one  of  the  witnesses,  asked  him 
what  they  had  the  first  place  they  stopped  at? 

"  Four  glasses  of  ale,"  was  the  reply. 

"  Next?" 

"  Two  glasses  of  whisky." 
"  Next?" 

"  One  glass  of  brandy." 

"Next?" 

"A  fight." 


A  KENTUCKY  VERDICT. 

There  are  ludicrous  climaxes  oftentimes  in  the  oratory 
of  the  pulpit — oftener  in  political  speeches  —  but  oftenest, 
perhaps,  in  the  sublime  attempts  of  pettifoggers  at  the  bar. 
One  of  these  latter,  in  a  small  town  in  Kentucky,  pleading 
the  cause  of  a  client  who  had  been  accused  of  stealing  a 
small  quantity  of  cotton  yarn,  argued  against  the  probabil- 
ity of  such  a  transaction  —  the  probability,  rather,  of  there 
being  any  motive  for  such  an  act,  in  the  following  forcible 
and  highly  grammatical  style: 

"Gentlemen  of  the  jury!  you  have  heard  the  argument, 
you  have  listened  patiently,  and  I  have  seen  that  your  ears 
was  open  to  conwiction.  And  now,  gentlemen  of  the  jury, 
I  ask  you,  du  you  suppose  that  in  the  plentiful  State  of 
Kentucky,  where  the  land  are  plenty,  and  the  sile  am  rich, 
that  my  client  broke  into  Mr.  Bowding's  store,  and  stole 


78 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


three  hanks  of  cotting  yarn  ?  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  1 
'magine  not !  I  s'pose  he  didn't." 

And  the  jury  agreed  with  the  eloquent  counsel,  at  least 
in  part,  for  after  they  had  made  a  joint  stock  company  of 
their  wisdom,  they  brought  in  this  verdict,  influenced  by 
some  personal  dislike: 

''Not  guilty,  if  he'll  leave  the  State!  " 

DIDN'T  GET  MUCH  OUT  OF  HIM. 

The  prosecuting  attorney  had  more  than  his  match  in 
Mr.  Parks,  when  that  witness  took  the  stand,  and  the  fol- 
lowing examination  took  place: 

Prosecuting  Attorney.  "  Mr.  Parks,  state,  if  you  please, 
whether  you  have  ever  known  the  defendant  to  follow  any 
profession?" 

Witness.  "  He's  been  a  professor  ever  since  I  knew 
him." 

"Professor  of  what?" 

"  A  professor  of  religion.'* 

"  You  don't  understand  me,  Mr.  Parks ;  what  does  he 
do?" 

"  Generally  whatever  he  pleases." 

"Tell  the  jury,  Mr.  Parks,  what  the  defendant  follows." 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  the  defendant  follows  the 
crowd  when  they  go  to  drink." 

"  This  kind  of  prevarication,  Mr.  Parks,  will  not  do 
here.  Now  state  what  this  defendant  does  to  support 
himself." 

"  I  saw  him  last  night  support  himself  against  a  lamp- 
post." 

To  the  court,  "  May  it  please  your  honor,  this  witness 
has  shown  a  disposition  to  trifle  with  the  court." 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


79 


Judge.  "  Mr.  Parks,  if  you  know  anything  about  it, 
state  what  the  defendant's  occupation  is." 

"  Occupation,  did  you  say  ?  " 

Counsel.    "  Yes,  what  is  his  occupation  ?  " 

"  Well,  if  I  am  not  mistaken,  he  occupies  a  garret 
somewhere  in  town." 

"  That's  all,  Mr.  Parks." 

Cross-examined,  "  Mr.  Parks,  I  understood  you  to  say 
that  the  defendant  is  a  professor  of  religion.  Does  his 
practice  correspond  with  his  profession  ?  " 

"  I  never  heard  of  any  correspondence  passing  between 
them." 

"  You  said  something  about  his  propensity  for  drinking; 
does  he  drink  hard  ?  " 

"  No,  I  think  he  drinks  as  easy  as  any  man  I  ever  saw." 

"You  can  take  your  seat,  Mr.  Parks;"  and  Mr.  Parks 
took  his  seat  with  the  air  of  a  man  who  had  made  a  clean 
breast  of  it,  and  told  all  he  knew  of  the  subject  in  hand. 

"  What  brought  you  to  prison,  my  colored  friend  ?  "  said 
a  Yankee  to  a  negro. 

"Two  constables,  sah." 

"Yes,  but  I  mean  had  intemperance  anything  to  do 
with  it?" 

"  Yes,  sah,  dey  was  bof  of  'em  drunk." 


TOO  MUCH  LEVITY. 

David  P.  Brown,  in  his  "  Forum,"  has  a  very  good  story 
to  relate  : 

Mr.  Levy  applied  to  the  court  for  a  rule  to  show  cause 
why  a  new  trial  should  not  be  granted.  His  application 
was  in  these  words : 


80 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"I  move  your  honors  for  this  rule,  on  the  ground  that 
John  Hunt  was  admitted  as  a  witness  for  the  gaining  party. 
I  suppose  your  honors  know  John  Hunt,  Everybody 
knows  John  Hunt^"* 

The  rule  was  allowed. 


A  LEGAL  POINT. 

Jesse  is  of  the  opinion  that  the  following  legal  point  is 
about  as  important  as  many  others,  published  on  knotty 
questions  of  the  law  : 

A  few  mornings  since,  one  of  our  lawyers  was  startled 
from  his  dreams  of  rich  clients  and  fat  fees  by  a  loud 
knocking  at  his  office  door.  He  opened  the  door,  when  a 
"gentleman  of  Africa,"  known  as  Mariposa  Jack,  stood 
before  him. 

"  Look  heah,  judge,"  said  he,  "  I  wants  your  'pinion  on 
a  law  pint." 

"Well,  go  on." 

"  S'pose  a  man  brings  some  eggs  to  town,  an'  hires 
anudder  nigger  to  sell  'em,  an'  dat  nigger  can't  do  it,  an' 
he  gibs  'em  to  me,  an'  I  loses  de  money,  kin  he  do  anyting 
wid  me  ?  " 

The  learned  counsel,  putting  on  his  wisest  look,  informed 
him  that  he  knew  of  no  law  to  punish  him. 

"Yah!  yah !"  chuckled  Jack,  "I  know'd  he  couldn't 
in  de  fust  place  —  kase  de  —  kase  de  eggs  was  rotten,  any- 
how.   Judge,  when  dus  you  want  your  boots  blacked  ?  " 

NOT  MUCH  DIFFERENCE. 
A  certain  judge  was  once  obliged  to  sleep  with  an 
Irishman  in  a  crowded  hotel,  when  the  following  conver- 
sation ensued : 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


81 


"  Pat,  you  .would  have  remained  a  long  time  in  the  old 
country  before  you  could  have  slept  with  a  judge,  would 
you  not  ?  " 

"  Yes,  your  honor,"  said  Pat ;  "  and  I  think  your  honor 
would  have  been  a  long  time  in  the  ould  country  before 
ye'd  been  a  judge,  too." 

BLOCKHEADS. 
When  James  T.  Brady  first  opened  a  lawyer's  office  in 
New  York,  he  took  a  basement  room,  which  had  previously 
been  occupied  by  a  cobbler.  He  was  somewhat  annoyed 
by  the  previous  occupant's  callers,  and  irritated  by  the 
fact  that  he  had  few  of  his  own.  One  day  an  Irishman 
entered. 

"  The  cobbler's  gone,  I  see,"  he  said. 
"  I  should  think  he  has,"  tartly  responded  Brady. 
"And  what  do  ye  sell  ?"  he  said,  looking  at  the  solitary 
table  and  a  few  law  books. 

"  Blockheads,"  responded  Brady. 

"Be  gorra,"  said  the  Irishman,  "ye  must  be  doing  a 
mighty  fine  business  —  ye  hain't  got  but  one  left.'* 

KETCHUM  &  CHEATHAM,  ATTORNEYS- AT- LAW. 

Isaac  Ketchum  and  Uriah  Cheatham  were  attorneys-at- 
law,  and  everybody  has  heard  of  the  sign  over  their 
office-door :  "  Ketchum  &  Cheatham,"  which  was  so  signifi- 
cant of  the  trade  that  they  took  it  down  and  had  another 
painted  with  the  addition  of  these  initials  : 

"I.  Ketchum  &  U.  Cheatham,"  which  was  no  better. 
It  required  the  full  names,  and  then  the  idea  was  very 
clearly  expressed,  but  it  left  the  inference  that  Isaac  would 
Ketch'em  and  Uriah  would  Cheat'em. 

8 


82 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


They  finally  dissolved  partnership,  and  often  did  for 
each  other  what  they  were  willing  to  do  for  the  public  at 
large. 


WHAT  HE  DROVE. 

A  witness  in  court,  who  had  been  cautioned  to  give  a 
precise  answer  to  every  question,  and  not  talk  about  what 
he  might  think  the  question  meant,  was  interrogated  as 
follows : 

"  You  drive  a  wagon  ?  " 

"No,  sir,  I  do  not." 

"  Why,  sir,  did  you  not  tell  my  learned  friend  so  thib 
moment  ?  " 

"  No,  sir,  I  did  not." 

"  Now,  sir,  I  put  it  to  you  on  your  oath,  do  you  drive  a 
wagon  ?  " 
"  No,  sir." 

"What  is  your  occupation,  then  ?" 
"I  drive  a  horse." 


WHEREFORE  HE  PRAYS  THAT  A  WARRANT 
MAY  ISSUE. 

BY     IRWIN  RUSSELL. 

Is  you  de  Jestice  ob  de  Peace?    1  has  a  little  case 

About  a  little  matter,  sah,  dat  happened  on  de  place. 

I's  nuffin  but  a  nigger,  but  I's  feelin'  all  de  same ; 

An'  de  way  dat  Massa  Henry  went  an'  done  me  is  a  shame^ 

Las'  Spring  I  found  a  little  chicken,  runnin'  in  de  road, 
An'  took  it  to  de  quarters,  sah,  an'  kep'  it  till  it  growed; 
I  nebber  stole  it,  'kase  de  law  says  eberyting  you  fin' 
Belongs  to  you;  an'  so,  ob  co'se,  de  chicken  he  was  mine. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


83 


A  week  dis  comin*  Tuesday,  I  was  comin'  from  de  fieP, 
An'  happen  for  to  'member  I  was  out  of  meat  an'  meal ; 
So  I  begins  to  study  'bout  what  I'se  a-gwine  to  do, 
An'  thinks,  says  I,  "Dat  chicken's  gettin'  big  enough  to  stew.-' 

So  when  I  reached  de  quarters,  sah,  I  says  unto  my  wife: 
(I  wouldn't  tell  a  lie  to  you  —  no,  not  to  sabe  my  life !) 
Says  T  to  her,  "  Ole  'oman ! "  (you  kin  b'lieve  me,  sah,  or  not), 
"Go  catch  dat  Dominica,  quick,  an'  put  him  in  de  pot!" 

She  says  to  me,  "  I  tink,  myse'f,  dat  chicken  would  be  good ; 
But  how's  I  gwine  to  cook  him,  when  dar  ain't  a  bit  ob  wood  ? " 
Dat  was  de  conbersation,  sah,  I  gibs  it  word  for  word, 
An'  Chloe  she  kin  testify  dat  dat  was  what  occurred. 

Says  I,  "  Go  kill  dat  chicken !    Don't  you  tink  I  has  no  sense  ?  " 
An'  I  went  to  massa's  wood-pile,  in  de  corner  ob  de  fence; 
I  looked,  an'  didn't  see  no  one,  nor  hear  nobody  speak, 
An'  so  I  toted  otF  enough  to  do  me  for  a  week. 

I  wasn't  stealin'  when  I  went  an'  fetched  de  wood  away, 
For  ebery  stick  I  s'pected  to  return  some  oder  day; 
An'  if  a  man  kain't  borry  wood  dat's  layin'  out  ob  nights, 
I'd  like  for  you  to  tell  me  what's  de  use  ob  swivel  rights. 

Well,  Chloe  picked  de  chicken,  an'  she  soused  him  in  de  pot, 
De  fire  was  burn  in'  lively,  an'  de  water  gettin'  hot. 
When  sumfin  went  "b-rum!  b-rum!  "  right  in  de  chimney-place, 
An'  all  de  smoke  an'  ashes  come  a-blowin'  in  my  face. 

I  thought  it  was  de  debil,  an'  it  skeered  me  mos'  to  defF, 
De  smoke  it  come  a-puffin'  so  I  couldn't  draw  my  breft'; 
De  wood,  de  pot,  de  chicken,  dey  was  scattered  'bout  de  floor, 
An'  me  an'  Chloe  had  important  bisness  at  de  door. 

De  folks  dey  come  a-runnin' ;  dere  was  Bob  an'  Pete  an'  Bill, 
An'  dere  was  Massa  Henry,  jes'  a-laughin'  fit  to  kill. 
Says  he,  "  I  knowed,  you  rascal,  you  was  takin'  wood  away, 
An'  I  put  a  load  ob  powder  in  a  crooked  stick  to-day!" 


84 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


Dat's  why  I  wants  a  warrant,  sah;  my  right  is  all  I  ax; 
An'  I  has  lots  ob  witnesses  to  summon  to  de  fac's. 
I  ain't  gwine  t'be  imposed  on,  an'  I  'peals  unto  de  law 
To  go  for  Massa  Henry,  sah,  an'  fotcli  him  up  to  taw ! 


"  Prisoner,  why  did  you  follow  this  man  and  beat  and 
kick  him  so  shamefully  ? " 

"I  am  sorry,  your  honor — I  was  a  little  drunk,  and  I 
thought  it  was  my  wife." 


Challenging  lawyer  to  a  colored  juryman  in  Clinton^ 
Louisiana : 

"  Do  you  know  what  a  verdict  is  ?  " 
"  iSTo,  sah." 

"Did  you  ever  see  one?" 

"  No,  sah  !    I  nebber  was  at  a  show  in  my  life." 


HAD  HIS  DOUBTS  ABOUT  IT. 

A  man  in  North  Carolina  who  was  saved  from  convic- 
tion for  horse-stealing  by  the  powerful  plea  of  his  lawyer, 
after  his  acquittal  by  the  jury,  was  asked  by  the  lawyer : 

"Honor  bright,  now.  Bill,  you  did  steal  that  horse, 
didn't  you?" 

"  Now,  look  a-here,  judge,"  was  the  reply,  "  I  allers  did 
think  I  stole  that  hoss,  but  since  I  hearn  your  speech  to 
that  'ere  jury,  I'll  be  doggoned  if  I  a'n't  got  my  doubts 
ftbout  it." 

STRUCK  HER  WITH  IMPUNITY. 

"  And  now,  Mrs.  Sullivan,"  said  the  counsel,  "  will  you 
be  kind  enough  to  tell  the  jury  whether  your  husband  was 
in  the  habit  of  striking  you  with  impunity  ?  " 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


85 


"Wid  what,  sir?" 
"  With  impunity." 

"  He  wuz,  sir,  now  and  thin  ;  but  he  sthruck  me  ofthener 
wid  his  fisht." 

WOULDN'T  SAY  HE  WAS  DRUNK. 

"  I  don't  say,  Mr.  Judge,  that  the  defendant  was  drunk. 
No,  not  by  no  means  ;  but  this  I  will  say  —  when  I  last 
seen  him  he  was  washing  his  face  in  a  mud  puddle,  and 
drying  it  on  a  door  mat.  Whether  a  sober  man  would  do 
this,  in  course,  I  can't  say." 

The  court  thought  he  wouldn't. 

The  consequence  was,  the  "  defendant "  went  up  for 
sixty  days. 

An  attorney,  on  being  called  to  account  for  having  acted 
un professionally  in  taking  less  than  the  usual  fee  from  his 
client,  pleaded  that  he  had  taken  all  the  man  had. 

He  was  thereupon  honorably  acquitted. 

"  Pay  me  that  six-and-eightpence  you  owe  me,  Mr.  Mal- 
rooney,"  said  a  village  attorney. 
"  For  what  ?  " 

"  For  the  opinion  you  had  of  me." 

"  Faith,  I  never  had  any  opinion  of  you,  in  all  my  life." 

A  witness,  in  describing  an  event,  said  the  person  I 
saw  at  the  head  of  the  stairs  was  a  man  with  one  eye  named 
Wilkins." 

"What  was  the  name  of  the  other  eye?"  spitefully 
asked  the  opposing  counsel. 

The  witness  was  disgusted  with  the  levity  of  the 
audience. 


86 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


A  CONCEITED  JUDGE. 

A  conceited  American  judge  went  to  a  hotel  in  Switzer- 
land, and,  strutting  up  to  the  proprietor,  said  in  an  over- 
powering manner,  I  want  a  room,  the  best  you  have,  for 
I  am  Judge  ,  of  New  York." 

"  It  makes  no  difference,  sir,"  said  the  hotel  keeper,  "  I 
will  try  and  treat  you  as  well  as  anyone  else." 


A  fellow  stole  a  saw,  and  on  his  trial  he  told  the  judge 
that  he  only  took  it  as  a  joke. 

"How  far  did  you  carry  it  ?"  inquired  the  judge. 

"  Two  miles,"  answered  the  prisoner. 

"  Ah  !  that's  carrying  a  joke  too  far,"  said  the  judge,  and 
the  prisoner  was  sentenced  to  jail  for  three  months. 


AN  IRISH  IDEA. 

A  judge  was  once  about  to  pronounce  sentence  of  pun- 
ishment on  an  Irishman  for  theft. 

"  And  it  is  upon  the  oaths  of  them  two  witnesses  yer 
honor  is  going  to  condimn  me  ?  "  asked  Pat. 

"  Certainly,"  said  the  judge,  "  their  testimony  was  ample 
to  convince  the  jury  of  your  guilt." 

"  Oh,  murther !  "  exclaimed  Pat,  "  to  condimn  me  on 
the  oaths  of  two  spalpeens  who  swear  they  saw  me  take 
the  goods,  whin  I  can  bring  forth  a  hundred  who  will 
swear  they  didn't  see  me  do  it." 


Judge.  "  Have  you  anything  to  offer  to  the  court 
before  sentence  is  passed  on  you  ?  " 

Prisoner.  "  No,  judge.  I  had  ten  dollars,  but  my  law- 
yers took  that." 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


87 


SHORT  SPEECHES  AND  CURT  CORRESPONDENCE. 

One  of  our  most  distinguished  countrymen  was  apt  to 
overindulge  himself  at  public  dinners,  but  managed,  when 
called  upon,  to  make  a  speech  —  if  a  brief  one.  At  Roch- 
ester, New  York,  he  once  delighted  the  company  with 
the  following : 

Men  of  Rochester  !  I  am  glad  to  see  you  ;  and  I  am 
glad  to  see  your  noble  city.  Gentlemen,  I  saw  your  falls, 
which,  I  am  told,  are  one  hundred  and  fifty  feet  high  ;  that 
is  a  very  interesting  fact.  Gentlemen,  Rome  had  her 
Caesar,  her  Scipio,  her  Brutus  ;  but  Rome  in  her  proudest 
days,  had  never  a  waterfall  a  hundred  and  fifty  feet  high  ! 
Gentlemen,  Greece  had  her  Pericles,  her  Demosthenes, 
and  her  Socrates  ;  but  Greece,  in  her  palmiest  days,  never 
had  a  waterfall  a  hundred  and  fifty  feet  high.  Men  of 
Rochester,  go  on  !  No  people  ever  lost  their  liberty  who 
had  a  waterfall  a  hundred  and  fifty  feet  high  ! " 

On  another  occasion  he  finished  up  with  : 

"  Gentlemen,  there's  the  national  debt  —  it  should  be 
paid  ;  yes,  gentlemen,  it  should  be  paid.  I'll  pay  it  myself. 
How  much  is  it  ?  " 

This  was  sufficiently  brief;  but  perhaps  the  shortest 
speech  ever  delivered  in  any  legislative  chamber  was  that 
of  the  member  of  the  United  States  Congress,  who,  having 
got  out  this  sentence :  "  Mr.  Speaker :  The  generality  of 
mankind  in  general  are  disposed  to  exercise  oppression  on 
the  generality  of  mankind  in  general,"  was  pulled  down 
to  his  seat  by  a  friend,  with  the  remark :  "  You'd  better 
stop ;  you  are  coming  out  at  the  same  hole  you  went 
in  at ! " 

Mr.  Kendall,  some  time  Uncle  Sam's  Postmaster  Gen- 


88 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


eral,  wanting  some  information  as  to  the  source  of  a  river, 
sent  the  following  note  to  a  village  postmaster : 

"  Sir :  This  Department  desires  to  know  how  far  the 
Tombigbee  River  runs  up.    Respectfully  yours,"  etc. 

By  return  mail  came  :  "  Sir  :  The  Tombigbee  does  not 
run  up  at  all ;  it  runs  down.   Very  respectfully  yours,"  etc. 

Kendall,  not  appreciating  his  subordinate's  humor,  wrote 
again  : 

"  Sir  :  Your  appointment  as  postmaster  is  revoked  ;  you 
will  turn  over  the  funds,  etc.,  pertaining  to  your  office  to 
your  successor." 

Not  at  all  disturbed  by  his  summary  dismissal,  the  post- 
master replied : 

"  Sir :  The  revenues  of  this  office  for  the  quarter  end- 
ing September  30th  have  been  95  cents;  its  expenditures, 
same  period,  for  tallow  candles  and  twine,  $1.05.  I  trust 
my  successor  is  instructed  to  adjust  the  balance." 

His  superior  officer  was  probably  as  much  disgusted 
with  his  precise  correspondent  as  the  American  editor  who, 
writing  to  a  Connecticut  brother :  "  Send  full  particulars 
of  the  flood"  (meaning  an  inundation  at  that  place), 
received  for  reply :  "  You  will  find  them  in  Genesis." 


A  CORNERED  LEGISLATOR. 

A  gentleman  who  occupied  a  seat  in  the  upper  branch 
of  the  New  York  Legislature,  but  at  the  time  was  a  mem- 
ber of  the  Assembly,  relates  the  following  : 

Perkins  was  as  honest  a  man  as  ever  set  foot  in  Albany. 
Money  wouldn't  buy  him,  and  1  knew  it,  but  I  thought  I 
would  have  a  little  fun  with  him,  so  I  went  down  to  his 
room  one  evening  and  said,  "  Perkins,  what  do  you  think 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


89 


of  that  underground  railroad  bill  ?  Are  you  going  to  vote 
for  it?" 

"Well,"  said  Perkins,  "I  haven't  made  up  my  mind 
yet  exactly.  I  am  inclined  to  think  it  is  a  good  bill  ;  but 
why  do  you  ask  ?  " 

"I  thought  you  were  in  favor  of  it,"  said  I,  "and  as  you 
have  concluded  to  vote  for  it,  I  just  want  to  say  to  you  that 
the  men  interested  in  it  are  paying  five  hundred  dollars  for 
votes,  and  as  it  is  coming  up  on  its  final  passage  to-morrow, 
you  can  just  as  well  have  the  money  as  not ;  you'll  vote  for 
the  bill  anyway." 

"  Vote  for  the  bill !  I'll  be  hanged  first,"  cried  the  irate 
Perkins.  "  No,  sir.  If  improper  means  are  being  taken  to 
pass  the  thing,  as  you  say,  I,  for  one,  will  vote  against  it 
every  time.    You  can  put  me  down  '  no.'  " 

"Oh,  I  don't  care  anything  about  the  bill,"  said  I.  "I 
was  only  trying  to  do  you  a  favor,  and  I  think  I  can  yet ; 
for,  to  tell  the  truth,  the  rival  companies  are  here  in  full 
force,  and  are  moving  heaven  and  earth  to  defeat  it.  They 
are  paying  the  same  amount  for  'noses,'  and  as  long  as  you 
are  bound  to  vote  that  way,  I'll  get  you  the  five  hundred 
dollars  all  the  same." 

"  Can  such  things  be,"  exclaimed  Perkins,  rising  from 
his  seat  and  tearing  up  and  down  the  room  in  a  whirlwind 
of  righteous  wrath  and  virtuous  indignation.  "What  a 
state  of  things  this  is  !  A  plague  on  both  of  your  houses. 
I  won't  vote  at  all !  " 

"All  right,"  said  I,  "I'll  get  you  the  five  hundred 
dollars  for  being  absent." 

And  as  the  jolly  senator  brought  to  mind  the  horror  of 
perplexity  in  which  this  last  proposition  involved  old  Per- 
kins, he  roared  with  laught^^r. 


90 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


THE  CITIZENS'  MOVEMENT. 

They  have  a  "  citizens'  movement "  in  Pittsburgh,  Pa., 
and  it  was  all  going  on  very  smoothly  till  one  man  got  up 
in  the  meeting  and  asked : 

"  Ain't  I  nominated  for  mayor  ?  " 

"No,"  said  the  meeting. 

"  Nor  for  treasurer  ?  " 
No." 

"  Nor  for  controller  ?  " 
"No." 

"  Then  blam'  me  if  I  don't  make  it  warm  for  the  move- 
ment, that's  all ! " 


FIGHTING  BY  PROXY. 

How  many  Congressmen  and  Presidents  have  been  made 
by  happy  wounds  on  the  battle-field  !  Here  is  a  hero  with 
new  claims  to  fame: 

When  Colonel  L  was  a  candidate  for  Congress  in 

one  of  the  Northwestern  States,  he  was  opposed  by  a  gen- 
tleman who  had  distino-uished  himself  in  the  war  of  1812. 
Discovering,  in  the  course  of  the  canvass  that  his  oppo- 
nent's military  reputation  was  operating  strongly  to  his  own 
prejudice,  he  concluded  to  let  the  people  know  that  he  was 
not  unknown  to  fame  as  a  soldier  himself ;  and  accordingly, 
in  his  next  speech,  he  expatiated  on  his  achievements  in 
the  tented  field,  as  follows : 

"  My  competitor  has  told  you  of  the  services  he  ren- 
dered the  country  in  the  last  war.  Let  me  tell  you  that 
I,  too,  acted  an  humble  part  in  that  memorable  contest. 
When  the  tocsin  of  war  summoned  the  chivalry  of  the 
West  to  rally  to  the  defense  of  the  national  honor,  I,  fellow- 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


91 


citizens,  animated  by  that  patriotic  spirit  which  glows  in 
every  American  bosom,  hired  a  substitute  for  that  war^  and 
the  bones  of  that  man  now  lie  bleaching  on  the  banks  of 
the  Haisin!^^ 

As  Colonel  L  was  elected  by  a  large  majority,  it 

is  to  be  presumed  that  his  constituents  properly  appre- 
ciated the  glory  of  fighting  and  dying  by  proxy. 

HUMORS  OF  POLITICS. 

GEORGE  A.  SHERIDAN'S  AMUSING  ACCOUNT   OP   HOW  HE  FAILED  TO 
GET  THE  NEW  ORLEANS  INSPECTORSHIP. 

In  a  speech  at  Toledo,  in  discussing  the  question  of 
civil  service  reform,  Mr.  Sheridan  convulsed  the  house  by 
the  following  statement  of  his  effort  to  secure  an  office: 

"  I  did  not  see  how  it  was  possible  (and  I  tried  very  hard 
to  see)  for  Mr.  Hayes  to  make  a  success  of  his  adminis- 
tration, especially  in  his  Southern  policy,  unless  I  was 
appointed  Collector  of  Customs  at  New  Orleans.  I  knew 
there  would  be  a  new  collector  appointed,  because  Presi- 
dent Hayes  told  me  so.  He  did  me  the  further  honor  of 
asking  who,  in  my  judgment,  would  be  the  best  man  for 
the  place.  To  me  this  was  a  somewhat  delicate  question, 
and  I  asked  time  for  reflection,  which  he  very  cheerfully 
gave  me  (and,  by-the-by,  that  is  the*  only  thing  he  has 
given  me  up  to  date).    [Uproarious  laughter.] 

"  I  knew  how  important  the  Collector  of  New  Orleans 
was  to  the  business  interests  of  the  city.  I  felt  the  govern- 
ment should  have  a  man  of  integrity  in  the  place,  who 
should  also  be  of  good  moral  character,  as  well  as  of  more 
than  average  ability.  I  knew  the  collector  should  be  a 
representative  man  and  a  Republican.    I  spent  two  or 


92  WIT  AND  HUMOR. 

# 

three  days  in  prayerful  deliberation  upon  the  question,  and 
at  last  reluctantly  came  to  the  conclusion  that,  perhaps,  al) 
things  considered,  I  came  nearer  filling  the  bill  than  an^ 
other  man  in  the  State  who  was  likely  to  be  appointed. 
[Shouts  and  cheers.]  I  was  deeply  anxious  for  the  business 
interests  of  the  city.  I  had  no  doubt  of  my  integrity. 
[Laughter.]  My  moral  character  was  —  well,  it  was  as 
fair  a  moral  character  as  a  somewhat  tropical  man  could 
develop  in  a  very  tropical  country.  As  for  ability,  I  knew 
I  possessed  that ;  upon  this  point  I  was  unanimous ;  I 
might  possibly  have  had  a  shadow  of  a  doubt  upon  some 
other  questions,  but  upon  this  point  I  was  solid.  [Great 
laughter.]  I  knew  I  was  a  representative  man,  for  I  had 
once  served  in  Congress  with  great  satisfaction  to  my  con- 
stituents. It  is  true  I  did  not  serve  long,  but  that  was  not 
my  fault.  I  would  have  been  serving  the  State  yet  if  the 
people  had  elected  me.  [Cheers  and  laughter.]  I  was 
elected  for  two  years ;  I  had  a  hard  contest  for  my  seat ;  it 
was  finally  awarded  me  about  four  hours  before  the  final 
adjournment  of  the  Congress  to  which  I  had  been  accred- 
ited. I  hadn't  much  time  to  make  a  record,  but  I  worked 
hard  ;  I  voted  on  both  sides  of  every  bill  that  came  up  ;  I 
yelled  '  Mr.  Speaker  ! '  every  chance  I  had ;  I  called  one 
member  a  liar,  and  told  another  he  was  a  fool  ;  I  put  my 
boots  on  my  desk,  spit  tobacco- juice  on  the  floor,  ogled  the 
ladies  in  the  galleries,  went  into  innumerable  committee- 
rooms  to  take  a  look  at  the  documents,  borrowed  some 
money,  and  went  home.  [Long  continued  laughter.]  Con-, 
sidering  tlie  time  I  had,  I  made  a  pretty  good  'average 
member  record.'  Several  people  told  me  they  actually 
took  me  for  an  old  member.    [Great  laughter.] 

"  Considering  all  things,  I  think  you  will  agree  with  me 


WIT  AND  HUMOR.  93 

that  I  was  but  doing  my  duty  to  my  country  in  consenting 
to  take  the  Collectorship  of  New  Orleans.  I  stated  the 
result  of  my  reflections  to  the  President.  The  manner  in 
which  he  received  my  suggestions  was  happy  and  cordial 
(he  is  a  very  cordial  man).  He  promised  to  make  out  at 
once  the  commission  of  the  Collector  of  New  Orleans.  He 
did  so,  but  by  some  strange  oversight  he  commissioned  a 
man  1  had  never  thought  of  in  connection  with  the  office. 
[Loud  laughter.]  Do  you  blame  me  for  thinking  the 
administration  a  failure  ?  The  solid  earth  seemed  to  slip 
from  under  me.  I  felt  the  Republic  was  gone  —  clean 
gone.  In  the  distress  of  my  soul  I  cried  out,  '  Is  this  what 
I  made  one  hundred  and  twenty-seven  Republican  speeches 
for  in  the  last  campaign  V  Or,  to  state  it  more  correctly, 
the  same  speech  one  hundred  and  twenty-seven  times 
[Immense  laughter.]  Can  this  government  go  on  if  I  am 
left  out  ?  Alas,  poor  country  !  who  will  care  for  you  now 
that  I  am  banished  by  the  edict  of  a  tyrant,  and  can  have 
no  chance  to  sustain  you,  to  say  nothing  of  sustaining 
myself  ?  I  stated  something  of  this  kind  to  Mr.  Hayes ; 
my  words  moved  him  —  moved  him  to  console  me,  moved 
him  to  advise  me.  He  advised  me  either  to  'pull  down  my 
vest'  or  to  'go  west'  [long  continued  Ipughter],  which, 
owing  to  the  excitement  I  was  laboring  under  at  the  time 
of  the  interview,  I  can  not  certainly  remember;  but  it  was 
one  or  the  other,  and  (as  he  is  known  to  be  a  liberal  man) 
perhaps  it  was  both.  My  first  impulse,  after  listening  to 
t-he  consoling  words  of  the  President,  was  to  go  and  take 
a  —  a  stroll.  I  did;  I  took  three  or  four.  They  braced 
me  up;  I  felt  better.  [Laughter.] 

"  Nothwithstanding  I  am  not  Collector  of  Customs  in 
New  Orleans,  the  government  still  runs  on,  the  revenues 


94 


WIT    AND  HUMOR. 


are  collected,  and  the  Republican  party  lives.  I  have 
reluctantly  come  to  the  conclusion  that  I  am  not  absolutely 
essential  to  the  maintenance  of  a  republican  form  of  gov- 
ernment upon  this  continent.  [Cheers  and  laughter.]  That 
there  are  men  as  well  qualified  to  administer  an  office  as  I 
am,  that  the  President,  being  responsible  to  the  nation  for 
the  acts  of  his  appointees,  should  be  allowed  the  largest 
latitude  in  their  selection,  and  that  good  sense  and  true 
patriotism  should  convince  me  that  in  declining  to  give  me 
the  position  I  asked,  the  President  acted  for  what  he  felt 
and  believed  to  be  the  best  interests  of  the  country.  My 
fellow  citizens,  those  of  you  who,  like  myself,  have  been 
disappointed  in  your  aspirations  and  ambitions,  will,  I 
think,  upon  calm  reflection,  reach  in  your  cases  the  same 
conclusion  I  have  reached  in  mine." 

We  have  never  seen  an  audience  more  thoroughly  con- 
vulsed with  merriment  than  during  the  delivery  of  the 
above.  Sheridan  looked,  while  he  was  talking,  like  the 
personification  of  injured  innocence,  and  seemed  to  think 
it  strange  that  the  audience  found  anything  to  laugh  at 
in  what  he  was  saying.  To  him,  losing  the  office  was  evi- 
dently a  serious  thing. 

The  peroration  of  the  speech  was  a  magnificent  burst 
of  eloquence,  and  as  elegant  and  elaborate  a  compliment 
as  the  orator  could  possibly  have  paid  the  great  State 
of  Ohio.  He  mentioned  a  long  list  of  distinguished  men 
whom  Ohio  has  given  to  the  country,  pronouncing  a  brief, 
but  most  appropriate  eulogy  on  the  life  and  character  of 
each. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


95 


.     A.  H.  STEPHENS. 

A.  H,  Stephens  is  said  to  weigh  but  seventy -four 
pounds ;  yet,  he  was  always  considered  in  the  South  as  a 
man  of  weight. 

This  gentleman  once  severely  worsted  a  gigantic  West- 
ern opponent  in  debate. 

The  big  fellow,  looking  down  on  Stephens,  burst  out, 
"  You  !  —  why,  I  could  swallow  you  —  whole." 

"If  you  did,"  answered  the  latter,  "you  would  have 
more  brains  in  your  bowels  than  ever  you  had  in  your 
head."   

HAD  THEIR  EYES  OPEN. 

A  large  Republican  meeting  was  held  in  Clermont, 
Ohio,  which  was  attended  by  a  small  boy  who  had  four 
young  puppy  dogs  which  he  offered  for  sale.  Finally  one 
of  the  crowd,  approaching  the  boy,  asked  : 

"  Are  these  Hayes  pups,  my  son  ?  " 

"  Yes,  sir." 

"  Well  then,"  said  he,  "  I'll  take  these  two." 

About  a  week  afterward  the  Democrats  held  a  meeting 
at  the  same  place,  and  among  the  crowd  was  to  be  seen  the 
same  chap  and  his  two  remaining  pups.  He  tried  for  hours 
to  obtain  a  purchaser,  and  finally  was  approached  by  a 
Democrat  and  asked  : 

"  My  little  lad,  what  kind  of  pups  are  these  you  have  ?" 

"  They're  Tilden  pups,  sir." 

The  Republican,  who  had  purchased  the  first  two,  hap- 
pened to  be  in  hearing,  and  broke  out  at  the  boy  : 

"  See  here,  you  young  rascal,  didn't  you  tell  me  that 
those  pups  that  I  bought  of  you  last  week  were  Hayes 
pups  ?  " 


96 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"  Y-e-s,  sir,"  said  the  young  dog  merchant ;  "  but  these 
ain't  —  they'^m  got  their  eyes  open  !  " 

HE  WAS  AS  WISE  AS  AN  OWL. 

Many  years  ago  there  was  considerable  excitement  and 
feeling  respecting  a  senatorial  election  in  Savannah.  The 
Democratic  candidate  was  Judge  McAllister,  a  man  emi- 
nent both  at  the  bar  and  the  forum.  His  opponent  (Whig) 
was  a  wealthy  merchant  of  German  extraction,  who  had 
but  little  to  say.  The  Whigs  were  successful,  and  Snider 
was  elected.  At  the  expiration  of  the  term,  the  same 
parties  were  again  in  the  field.  At  a  Democratic  meeting, 
Mr.  Millan,  a  witty  Irish  lawyer  and  stump  speaker,  was 
advocating  the  claims  of  Judge  McAllister,  when  he  intro- 
duced the  following  excellent  story  : 

"Once  upon  a  time  a  countryman  of  his  wished  to 
purchase  a  parrot ;  a  friend  offered  to  sell  him  a  bird, 
remarking  that  it  was  quite  young  and  had  not  yet  learned 
to  speak,  but  if  he  would  take  pains  with  it,  he  could 
teach  it  almost  anything.  So  the  bargain  was  concluded. 
Pat  bought  the  bird  and  carried  it  home.  Some  years 
afterward,  meeting  his  friend,  he  asked  how  the  bird  came 
on.  Pat  replied  that  '  it  had  not  learned  to  spake  yet,  but 
had  done  a  dale  of  thinkin'!'"  Mr.  Millan  then  said  the 
bird  was  an  owl ;  and  so  it  was  with  Mr.  ?^nider.  He  had 
been  two  years  in  the  Senate,  and  had  not  ye.  spoken,  but 
no  doubt    had  done  a  dale  of  thinking." 

LOUDER,  LORD  !  LOUDER  ! 

The  late  Tom  Marshall,  of  Kentucky,  was  a  noble, 
good-hearted  fellow,  and  brimful  of  sparkling  humor  that 
never  failed  to  amuse  even  his  political  opponents. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


97 


One  time  he  was  speaking  to  a  large  gathering  in  Buf- 
falo, when  some  one  present,  every  few  moments,  kept 
shouting,  "  Louder  !  louder  !  " 

Tom  stood  this  for  a  while,  but  at  last,  turning  gravely 
to  the  presiding  officer,  he  said :  "  Mr.  Chairman :  At  the 
last  day,  when  the  angel  shall,  with  his  golden  trumpet, 
proclaim  that  time  shall  be  no  longer ;  when  the  quick  and 
dead  shall  appear  before  the  Mercy  Seat  to  be  judged,  I 
doubt  not,  sir,  that  the  solemnity  of  that  solemn  and  awful 
scene  will  be  interrupted  by  some  drunken  fool  from  Buf- 
■^alo,  shouting,  "  Louder,  Lord  !  louder  !  " 

Another  exceedingly  funny  story  is  told  of  Mr.  Mar- 
shall : 

At  a  political  meeting,  Tom  began  his  speech  and  had 
made  but  little  progress  before  he  was  assailed  with  a  tor- 
rent of  abuse  by  a  big  Irishman  in  the  crowd.  Not  at  all 
disconcerted,  Tom  yelled  out  at  the  top  of  his  voice : 

"  Be  jabbers,  that's  mc  fren',  Pat  Murphy,  the  man  that 
spells  God  with  a  little  '  g '  and  Murphy  with  a  big  '  M  ! '  " 

This  floored  Pat,  amidst  roars  of  laughter, 

CANDIDATES  AND  DOGS. 

The  innumerable  candidates  in  the  field  in  this  country, 
and  their  itinerant  system  of  "  button  -  hole  "  canvassing 
have  called  to  mind  an  anecdote  we  heard  when  a  boy.  A 
gentleman  accosted  a  red-haired  boy,  in  the  vicinity  of  a 
country  barn,  who  was  building  bake  -  ovens "  in  the 
mud,  with,  "  I  say,  boy,  where's  your  father  ?  "  The  boy 
happened  to  have  an  impediment  in  his  speech,  and 
replied  :  "  Wha-wha-what  ?  " 
"  Where's  your  father  ?  " 
Whe-whe-why  he-he's  down  at  the  cree-creek  bu- 


98 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


burying  of  Tow-Tow-Towser.  The  da-da-da-darned  old 
foo-fool,  he  barked  hisself  to  death  at  the  can-can-candi- 
dates ;  sa-say,  be  you  one  of  them  fe-fellers  ?  " 


Sir,''  said  a  Yankee,  "  you  promised  to  vote  for  my 
bill." 

"Veil,"  said  the  Dutch  member,  "  vat  if  I  did 
"  Well,  sir,  you  voted  against  it." 
"Veil,  vat  if  I  did?" 
"  Well,  sir,  you  lied  ! " 
"Veil,  vat  if  I  did?" 


"Can  there  be  anything  brought  into  this  House?" 
asked  a  disgusted  member  during  the  last  session  of  the 
Legislature,  "that  will  not  be  repealed  sooner  or  later  ?" 

One  of  the  opposition  suggested,  "Yes,  a  skinned 
orange." 

Said  a  member  of  Congress  from  Ohio  to  a  New  Yorker, 
who  was  trying  to  tell  him  something  about  hogs  :  "  You 
can't  tell  me  anything  about  hogs.  I  know  more  about 
hogs  than  you  ever  dreamt  of.  I  was  brought  up  among 
hogs." 

MR.  HEISTRY  ! 

At  a  political  meeting,  the  speaker  and  audience  were 
v^ery  much  disturbed  by  a  man  who  constantly  chilled  for 
Mr.  Henry.  Whenever  a  new  speaker  came  on,  this  man 
bawled  out,  "  Mr.  Henry  !  Henry !  Henry  !  I  call  for  Mr. 
Henry  !  " 

After  several  interruptions  of  this  kind  at  each  speech, 
a  young  man  ascended  the  platform,  and  was  soon  airing 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


99 


his  eloquence  in  magnificent  style,  striking  out  powerfully 
in  his  gestures,  when  the  old  cry  was  heard  for  Mr.  Henry. 

Putting  his  hand  to  his  mouth  like  a  speaking-trumpet, 
this  man  was  bawling  out  at  the  top  of  his  voice,  "  Mr. 
Henry!  Henry!  Henry!  I  call  for  Mr.  Henry  to  make  a 
speech !  " 

The  chairman  now  arose,  and  remarked  that  it  would 
oblige  the  audience  if  the  gentleman  would  refrain  from 
any  farther  calling  for  Mr.  Henry,  as  that  gentleman  was 
now  speaking. 

"Is  that  Mr.  Henry? "said  the  disturber  of  the  meeting. 
"Thunder!  that  can't  be  Mr.  Henry!  Why,  that's  the 
little  cuss  that  told  me  to  holler." 


"  You  can  not  keep  me  down,"  shouted  a  somewhat  windy 
orator  at  a  public  meeting;  "though  I  may  be  pressed 
below  the  waves  I  rise  again ;  you  will  find  that  I  come  to 
the  surface,  gentlemen." 

"  Yes,"  said  an  old  whaler  in  the  'audience,  "  you  come 
to  the  surface  to  blow." 

JOB  BOWLING'S  FUNERAL. 

Many  years  ago  I  was  one  of  a  party  in  "Washington 
City,  when  North  and  South  vied  with  each  other  in  con- 
vivial life.  Another  of  the  party  was  General  Dawson, 
member  from  Western  Pennsylvania,  whose  homestead  was 
Albert  Gallatin's  old  home.  Pie  was  an  admirable  story- 
teller. I  recall  somewhat  sadly  now  that  he  is  gone,  how 
well  he  illustrated  the  laziness  of  a  class  of  Virginians. 
The  story  was  a  part  of  his  Congressional  canvassing.  On 
one  occasion  he  got  across  the  Pennsylvania  line  into  a 
little  village  of  Virginia.    He  was  in  the  midst  of  a  group 


100 


W*1T  AND  HUMOR. 


around  the  tavern.  While  treating  and  talking,  a  proces- 
sion approached,  which  looked  like  a  funeral.  He  asked 
who  was  to  be  buried. 

''Job  Dowling,"  said  they. 

"  Poor  Job  !  "  sighed  the  general.  "  He  was  a  good- 
natured,  good-for-nothing,  lazy  fellow,  living  on  the  few 
fish  he  caught  and  the  squirrels  he  killed,  but  mostly  on 
the  donations  of  his  neighbors." 

''So,  poor  Job  is  dead,  is  he?" 

"  No,  he  ain't  dead  'xactly,"  said  they. 

"  Not  dead — not  d — Yet  you  are  going  to  bury  him  ?  " 

"Fact  is,  general,  he  has  got  too  infernal  all -fired  lazy 
to  live.  We  can't  afford  him  any  more.  He  got  so  lazy 
that  the  grass  began  to  grow  over  his  shoes  —  so  everlastin' 
lazy  that  he  put  out  one  of  his  eyes  to  save  the  trouble  of 
winkin'  when  out  a  gunnin'." 

"  But,"  says  the  general,  "  this  must  not  be.  It  will  dis- 
grace my  neighborhood.  Try  him  a  while  longer,  can't 
you  ?  " 

"  Can't ;  too  late  —  coffin  cost  $1.25.    Must  go  on  now." 

About  this  time  the  procession  came  up  and  halted, 
when  the  general  proposed,  if  they  would  let  Job  out,  he 
would  send  over  a  bag  of  corn.  On  this  announcement  the 
lids  of  the  coffin  opened,  and  Job  languidly  sat  up.  The 
cents  dropped  from  his  eyes  as  he  asked : 

"Is  the  corn  shelled,  general  ?  " 

"  No,  not  shelled." 

"Then,"  said  Job,  as  he  lazily  lay  down,  "go  on  with 
the  funeral." 


General  Butler  tells  of  a  civil  service  candidate  writing 
against  the  question,  "What  is  the  distance  of  the  sua 


WIT  HUMOR. 


101 


from  the  earth  ? "  that  he  couldn't  tell  the  exact  distance, 
but  he  didn't  think  it  was  near  enough  to  interfere  with 
his  duties  as  postoffice  clerk. 


A  MODEL  SPEECH. 

The  following  speech  is  commended  to  the  careful  study 
of  all  candidates  before  the  people.  It  was  delivered  in 
Illinois,  by  a  candidate  for  the  legislature,  is  brief  and  pithy, 
and  the  man  who  delivered  it  was  elected  as  he  deserved 
to  be :  ' 

"  Fellow  citizens  :  I  am  no  speech  -  maker,  but  what  I 
say  I'll  do.  I've  lived  among  you  for  twenty  years,  and  if 
I've  shown  myself  a  clever  fellow,  you  know  it  without  a 
speech  ;  if  I'm  not  a  clever  fellow,  you  know  that  too,  and 
wouldn't  forget  it  with  a  speech.  I'm  a  candidate  for  the 
legislature  ;  if  you  think  I'm  the  clear  grit,  vote  for  me ; 

if  you  think  Major  R  of  a  better  stripe  than  I  am, 

vote  for  him.  The  fact  is,  either  of  us  will  make  a  tip  top 
representative. 

A  THUMPING  BIG  BABY. 

Mistakes  are  made  by  the  best  of  men.    Mr.  Jones  was 

running  for  Congress  in  the  western  district  of  ,  many 

years  ago,  and  while  filling  his  round  of  appointments, 
made  a  speech  at  the  close  of  which,  by  way  of  commend- 
ing himself  to  the  "bone  and  sinew,"  the  regular  "sov- 
ereigns "  of  the  country,  he  told  the  people  that  he  was 
a  self-made  man  of  "obscure  birth  and  humble  origin;" 
that,  in  fact,  he  was  sprung  from  the  "  very  dregs  of  the 
people." 

"  Why,  fellow  -  citizens,"  said  he,  warming  up  and  ele- 
vating his  voice,  "  my  parf^nts  were  so  poor  that  when  I 


102 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


was  eighteen  years  old  my  mother  used  to  have  to  tie  me 
to  the  bed-post,  to  keep  me  from  falling  into  the  fire,  when- 
ever she  went  to  the  spring  for  a  pail  of  water !  " 

Of  course  he  intended  to  say  eighteen  months.  The 

Hon.  ,  now  in  the  United  States  Senate,  and  at 

that  time  running  for  the  legislature,  was  present  and 
cried  out : 

"  Ah !  Jones,  Jones,  what  a  thumping  baby  you  must 
have  been  ! " 

It  is  said  that  the  unfortunate  speaker  broke  down  at 
once,  amidst  the  jeers  of  the  crowd. 

MARSHALL  AND  PERKINS. 

A  Kentucky  correspondent  says  —  and  probably  he  is 
right  about  it  —  that  Tom  Marshall  is  now  made  the  father 
of  all  the  good  hits  that  have  been  made  in  that  region  for 
half  a  century  past,  and  then  he  tells  the  following : 

"General  Perkins  and  Tom  Marshall  were  canvassing 
the  State  in  a  hotly  -  contested  election.  The  general  was 
a  roaring  Democrat,  and  by  way  of  catching  the  flats,  was 
fond  of  boasting  that  his  father  was  a  cooper  by  trade  in  an 
obscure  part  of  the  State.  The  great  failing  of  the  general 
was  his  fondness  for  old  whisky,  but  the  more  he  drank  the 
more  of  a  Democrat  he  became,  and  the  prouder  of  being 
the  son  of  a  cooper.  Of  this  fact  he  had  been  making  the 
most,  when  Marshall,  in  replying  to  his  speech,  looked  at 
him  with  great  contempt,  and  said : 

"  Fellow-citizens,  his  father  may  have  been  a  very  good 
cooper  —  I  don't  deny  that ;  but  I  do  say,  gentlemen,  he 
put  a  mighty  poor  head  into  that  whisky  barrel !  " 

The  politician  who  recently  ^^fell  in  the  estimation  of 
the  public,"  is  now  trying  to  crawl  up  again. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR 


103 


GEORGE  WASHINGTON. 

One  day,  in  a  fit  of  abstraction,  the  juvenile  George  cut 
down  Bushrod's  favorite  cherry  tree  with  a  hatchet.  His 
purpose  was  to  cut  —  and  run. 

But  the  old  gentleman  came  sailing  round  the  corner  of 
the  barn  just  as  the  future  Father  of  his  Country  had 
started  on  the  retreat. 

"  Look  here,  sonny,"  thundered  the  stern  old  Virginian, 
"  who  cut  that  tree  down  ?  " 

George  reflected  a  moment.  There  wasn't  another  boy 
or  another  hatchet  within  fifteen  miles.  Besides,  it  occurred 
to  him  that  to  be  virtuous  is  to  be  happy.  Just  as  Wash- 
ington senior  turned  to  go  in  and  get  his  horsewhip,  our 
little  hero  burst  into  tears,  and,  nestling  among  his  father's 
coat-tails,  exclaimed,  "Father,  I  can  not  tell  a  lie.  It 
must  have  been  a  frost." 


A  Mississippi  man  puts  it  thus:  "At  the  earnest  solici- 
tation of  those  whom  I  owe  money  I  have  consented  to 
become  a  candidate  for  county  treasurer." 


A  WISCONSIN  JOKER. 

Bill  S  ,  the  chairman  of   the  Champion  Lecture 

Association,  in  Stevens  Point,  Wis.,  is  the  joker  of  the 
Northwest.  He  is  not  a  joke-teller,  but  a  joke -perpetrator, 
for  he  stammers  so  that  it  is  almost  impossible  for  any  one 
to  understand  him. 

Last  week  Bill  disappeared  from  the  Point,  and  this 
week  the  villagers  heard  of  him  down  at  Madison,  the 
State  capital.  He  was  getting  some  kind  of  a  bill  through 
the  Legislature. 


104 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


What  is  the  nature  of  the  bill  you're  getting  through?" 
I  asked  of  Mr.  S  this  morning. 

It  ain't  a  bi-bi-bill  at  all,  Mr.  Perkins  ;  it's  an  amend- 
ment to  the  Con -Con-Con -Constitution,"  stammered  Mr.  S. 

"  What's  the  nature  of  the  contemplated  amendment  ?  " 
I  asked. 

"  Why,  I  w-w-want  the  d-d-dang  thing  amended  because 
it's  a  1-lie,  sir  !  " 

"  What !  the  Wisconsin  Constitution  a  lie  ?  Why,  what 
is  wrong  ?  "  I  exclaimed  in  surprise. 

"  Well,  the  Con-Constitution  guarantees  to  every  man 
fr-fr-free  sp-sp-speech,  don't  it  ?  " 

"  Yes,  the  Constitution  guarantees  free  speech  to  every 
citizen  in  Wisconsin,  I  believe." 

"Well,  do-do-dog  on  it,  then  I  wa-wa-want  fr-fr-free 
sp-sp-speech,  or  I  want  the  d-d-dang  thing  ch-ch-changed ! " 
exclaimed  Bill. 

AK  AMUSING  SCENE. 

At  a  Democratic  meeting  held  in  a  neighboring  city  it 
was  deemed  that  a  good  thing  to  do  would  be  to  have  a 
barbecue.  The  subject  was  referred  to  a  committee,  who 
reported  favorably  and  recommended  that  it  be  held  on 
Friday  week. 

Upon  the  announcement  of  the  date,  an  excited  Irish- 
man jumped  to  his  feet  and  exclaimed  : 

"  Mr.  Prisident !  I'd  have  ye  to  understand,  sur,  that 
the  great  heft  of  the  Dimmicratic  party  don't  ate  mate  on 
Friday ! " 

Patrick  put  this  undeniable  fact  in  a  very  concise  and 
pointed  way.    He  couldn't  have  done  it  better. 
The  barbecue  was  not  held  ^  Friday. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


105 


DISCONCERTING  A  STUMP  SPEAKER. 

It  is  astonishing  how  a  little  matter  will  sometimes  dis- 
concert a  man  who  has  been  accustomed  to  speaking  in 
public,  and  to  have  his  thoughts  about  him  and  ready  at 
command  on  almost  all  occasions. 

"  I  was  once  opening  a  speech  from  the  stump,"  said 
a  distinguished  Western  political  orator,  "and  was  just 
beginning  to  warm  with  my  subject,  when  a  remarkably 
clear  and  deliberate  voice  spoke  out  behind  me,  saying : 

"'Reckon  he  wouldn't  talk  quite  so  hifalutin  if  he 
knew  that  his  trowsers  was  bu'st  clean  out  behind.' 

"  From  that  moment  I  couldn't  get  on.  The  people  in 
front  began  to  laugh,  and  there  was  a  loud  roar  behind  me, 
and  I  dared  not  reverse  my  position  for  fear  of  having  a 
new  audience  for  my  condition." 

There  was  nothing  like  innuendo  in  Vhe  remark  of  an 
outspoken  member  of  a  Western  legislature  : 

"  Mr.  Speaker,"  said  he,  "  I  would  just  like  to  know 
how  long  that  blackguard  is  to  go  on  boring  me  to  death 
with  his  speech  ?  " 

A  CAPITAL  HIT. 

A  number  of  politicians,  all  of  whom  were  seeking 
office,  were  scattered  on  the  tavern  porch  talking,  when 
an  old  toper,  named  D  ,  came  upon  them. 

The  said  D  is  a  person  who  is  ever  loquacious  when 

"corned,"  but  exactly  the  opposite  when  sober.  At  the 
present  time,  being  "  tight,"  he  said  if  the  company  had  no 
objections  he  would  tell  them  a  story.  They  told  him  tp 
"  fire  away,"  when  he  spoke  as  follows : 

"A  certain  king  had  a  philosopher,  upon  whose  judg- 


106 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


ment  he  always  depended.  Now,  it  so  happened  that  one 
day  the  king  took  it  into  his  head  to  go  a-hunting,  and, 
making  all  his  necessary  preparations,  he  summoned  his 
philosopher  and  asked  him  if  it  would  rain.  The  phi- 
losopher told  him  it  would  not,  and  he  and  his  nobles 
departed. 

"While  journeying  along,  they  met  a  countryman 
mounted  on  a  jackass ;  he  advised  them  to  return,  *  for,' 
said  he,  '  it  will  certainly  rain.'  They  smiled  contempt- 
uously upon  him  and  passed  on.  Before  they  had  gone 
many  miles,  however,  they  had  reason  to  regret  not  hav- 
ing taken  the  rustic's  advice,  as  a  heavy  shower  came  up 
and  they  were  drenched  to  the  skin.  When  they  returned 
to  the  palace,  the  king  reprimanded  the  philosopher  severely 
for  telling  him  it  would  be  clear  when  it  was  not. 

"  '  I  met  a  countryman,'  said  he,  '  and  he  knows  a  great 
deal  more  than  you,  for  he  told  me  that  it  would  rain, 
whereas  you  told  me  that  it  would  not.' 

"  The  king  then  gave  his  philosopher  his  walking  papers, 
and  sent  for  the  countryman. 

" '  Tell  me,'  said  the  king, '  how  you  knew  it  would  rain  ? ' 

"  '  I  did  not  know,'  said  the  rustic,  '  my  jackass  told  me.' 

"'And  how,  pray,  did  he  tell  you?'  asked  the  king  in 
astonishment. 

" '  By  pricking  up  his  ears,  your  majesty.' 

"  The  king  now  sent  the  countryman  away ;  procuring 
the  jackass,  he  placed  the  jackass  in  the  office  the  philoso- 
pher had  filled.     And  here,"  observed  D  ,  "here  is 

where  the  king  made  a  mistake." 

"  How  so,"  asked  the  auditors. 

"Why,  ever  since  that  time,"  said  D  ,  "every  jack- 
ass in  the  country  has  been  running  after  office." 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


107 


DER  GANDIDATE. 

Wlio  shtands  der  streets  and  gorners  around 
Mit  selrel  agzes  to  be  ground, 
Und  shmiled,  und  bowed,  und  nefer  frowned  ? 
Der  Gandidate. 

Who  hold  your  hand  ven  you  would  start, 
Und  told  you  you  was  mighty  shmart, 
Und  how  he  luved  you  mit  his  heart  ? 
Der  Gandidate. 


"  I  stand  upon  the  soil  of  freedom  ! "  cried  a  stump 
orator. 

"  No,  you  don't,"  exclaimed  his  shoemaker,  "  you  stand 
in  a  pair  of  boots  that  have  never  been  paid  for." 


INTELLIGENCE  AND  REFORM. 

"  I  say,  Dinnis,  d'ye  see  this  bit  ov  paper  I  have  here  ?  " 
"I  do,  Moichael.    Rade  it  for  me." 

"  Divil  a  worrud  ov  it  can  I  rade  at  all,  only  I  know  it's 
my  naturalization  papers,  an'  that  I  belong  to  the  party, 
body  an'  sowl,  an'  that  I'm  towld  to  vote  as  many  times  as 
I  kin  on  'lection  day,  for  our  party  manes  reform." 


TOO  IGNORANT  TO  VOTE. 

A  very  dirty,  debased  and  ignorant  -  looking  man  came 
in  to  vote  in  a  township  in  Michigan.  Said  one  of  the 
ladies,  offering  him  a  ticket :  I  wish  you  would  oblige 
us  by  voting  this  ticket." 

"  What  kind  of  a  ticket  is  that  ?"  said  he. 

"  Why,"  said  the  lady,  "  you  can  see  for  yourself." 

"  But  1  can't  read,"  he  answered. 


108 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"  Why,  can't  you  read  the  ballot  you  have  there  in  your 
hand,  which  you  are  about  to  vote  ?  "  asked  the  lady. 

"No,"  said  he,  "I  can't  read  at  all.'' 

"  Well,"  said  the  lady,  "  this  ballot  means  that  you  are 
willing  to  let  the  women,  as  well  as  the  men,  vote." 

"  Is  that  it  ? "  he  replied  ;  then  I  don't  want  it ;  the 
women  don't  know  enough  to  vote." 


LIKE  THE  FINAJSrCIAL  MOVEMENT. 

"Well,  and  how  did  you  enjoy  your  dinner  ?"  asked  a 
passenger  of  another  on  a  European  steamer,  the  first  day 
out. 

"  Don't  mention  it,"  said  the  other,  feelingly  ;  "  don't 
mention  it.  It's  a  good  deal  like  the  financial  question  in 
Congress." 

"How's  that?" 

"Why,  it's  apt  to  come  up  at  any  moment." 


An  orator  lately  said  to  his  audience  : 

"I  am  speaking  for  the  benefit  of  posterity,"  when 
some  one  shouted: 

"Yes,  and  if  you  don't  get  through  soon,  they'll  be 
here !  "   

DISSOLVING  THE  UNION. 

Lieutenant-Governor  Ford  was  addressing  a  political 
gathering  before  the  late  civil  war,  and  related,  in  his  own 
inimitable  way,  the  following  capital  story : 

"  Dissolve  the  Union  !  "  said  Ford  ;  "  I  should  like  to  see 
them  attempt  to  dissolve  the  Union.  Why,  this  silly  cry 
reminds  me  of  an  Irishman  who  went  down  into  a  well  to 
clean  it  out.    When  he  was  through,  he  made  the  signal 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


109 


to  be  hauled  up.  His  companions,  who  were  determined  to 
have  a  joke  at  his  expense,  hauled  him  up  about  half  way 
and  then  stopped.  There  he  hung  —  no  way  to  get  up  — 
no  safe  way  to  get  down,  if  that  were  desirable.  He 
begged  and  entreated,  but  it  was  of  no  use.  He  stormed 
and  raved,  but  it  did  no  good.    At  last  he  sung  out : 

" '  Haul  it  out,  ye  spalpeens,  or,  by  the  piper  that  played 
before  Moses,  I'll  be  after  cuttin'  the  rope  ! ' 

"  Let  them  cut  the  rope,  if  they  like  the  plunge,"  was 
Ford's  application  of  the  story. 

Excited  orator.  "  We  have  taken  Atlanta,  we  have 
taken  Savannah,  Columbus,  Charleston,  and  now  at  last 
we  have  captured  Petersburg  and  occupy  Richmond;  and 
what  remains  for  us  to  take  ?" 

An  Irishman  in  the  crowd  shouts,  "  Let's  take  a  drink  !" 

The  crowd  disperses  in  various  directions. 

Twenty-five  years  ago  a  Missouri  boy  left  his  home  and 
started  out  to  become  President  of  the  United  States.  He 
got  as  far  as  Cincinnati.  The  boy  is  now  a  man,  and  is 
also  one  of  the  best  shoemakers  in  the  Ohio  State  Prison. 


INTERVIEWING  THE  PRESIDENT. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby  writes  that  he  had  an  interview 
with  the  President  recently,  which  terminated  thus  : 

"  Is  ther  any  little  thing  I  kin  do  fer  you  ?  "  sez  he. 

"  Nothin'  partickler.  I  wood  accept  a  small  post-orfis, 
if  sitooated  within  ezy  range  uv  a  distilry.  My  politikle 
daze  is  well  nigh  over.  Let  me  but  see  the  old  party 
wunst  more  in  the  assendency  ;  let  these  ize  wunst  more 
behold  the  Constitooshun  ez  it  iz,  the  Uneyun  ez  it  wuz, 


110 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


and  the  nigger  ware  he  ought  2  be,  and  I  will  rap  the 
mantel  uv  private  life  around  me,  and  go  in2  delirium 
tremens  happy  ;  I  hev  no  ambishen.  I  am  in  the  sear  and 
yaller  leef.  These  whitnin'  locks,  them  sunkin  cheeks, 
warn  me  that  age  and  whisky  hev  dun  ther  pufFek  wurk, 
and  that  I  shell  soon  go  hents.  Hayes,  scorn  not  my 
words.    I  hev  sed.  Adoo." 


"  1  rise  for  information,"  said  a  member  of  the  legis' 
lative  body. 

"  I  am  very  glad  to  hear  it,"  said  a  bystander,  "  for  no. 
man  needs  it  more." 


SIR  BOYLE  ROCHE'S  BULLS. 

Sir  Boyle  Roche  was  an  Irish  baronet,  who  had  a  seat  in 
Parliament  and  was  the  droll  and  humor  of  the  House. 

He  was  famous  for  bulls,  in  which,  though  the  expres- 
sion might  be  incorrect,  generally  involved  aphorisms  of 
sound  sense. 

Once,  when  it  was  stated,  on  a  money  grant,  that  it  was 
unjust  to  saddle  posterity  with  a  debt  incurred  to  benefit 
the  present.  Sir  Boyle  rose  and  said  : 

"  Why  should  we  beggar  ourselves  to  benefit  posterity  ? 
What  has  posterity  done  for  us?"  The  laugh  which  fol- 
lowed rather  surprised  him,  as  he  was  unconscious  of  his 
blunder.    He  explained : 

"  Sir,  by  posterity  1  do  not  mean  our  ancestors,  but  those 
who  come  immediately  after  them,'''' 

On  another  occasion,  in  1794,  when  the  leather  tax  was 
being  debated  in  the  House,  Mr.  Vandeclure  said : 

"  The  tax  on  leather  will  be  severely  felt  by  the  hare- 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


Ill 


footed  peasantry  of  Ireland."  To  which  Sir  Boyle  replied 
that  "this  can  be  very  easily  remedied,  by  making  the 
under  leather  of  wood." 

He  also  assisted  in  preparing  a  bill  to  provide  for  the 
erection  of  a  new  jail  in  Dublin,  and  stated  that  the  new 
prison  should  be  built  on  the  site  and  with  the  materials  of 
the  old  one,  and  that  the  prisoners  should  continue  to  reside 
in  the  old  prison  until  the  new  one  was  completed. 

And  it  was  he  who  said  :  "  Single  misfortunes  never 
come  alone,  and  the  greatest  of  all  possible  misfortunes  is 
generally  followed  by  a  much  greater." 

Fearing  the  progress  of  revolutionary  opinions,  Sir 
Boyle  drew  a  frightful  picture  of  the  future,  remarking 
that  the  House  of  Commons  might  be  invaded  by  ruffians 
who,  said  he  :  "  would  cut  us  to  mince  meat  and  throw  our 
bleeding  heads  on  that  table,  to  stare  us  in  the  face." 
Here,  as  in  most  of  his  bulls,  the  idea  is  fully  conveyed, 
but,  in  the  hurry  of  clothing  the  thought  with  language, 
the  mode  of  expression  is  incorrect,  and  such  is  that 
amusing  thing,  an  Irish  bull. 

On  another  occasion  Sir  Boyle  was  arguing  for  the 
Habeas  Corpus  Suspension  Bill  in  Ireland :  "  It  would 
surely  be  better,  Mr.  Speaker,"  said  he,  "to  give  up  not 
only  a  part^  but,  if  necessary,  even  the  whole  of  our  Con- 
stitution, to  preserve  the  remainder  P'' 

And  when  writing  home  to  a  friend  during  the  Irish 
Rebellion  of  1798,  he  said  :  "  To  give  you  some  idea  of 
the  danger  we  are  in,  I  will  only  say  that  while  I  am 
writing  this  letter  I  have  a  sword  in  one  hand  and  a 
pistol  in  the  other." 


9 


112  WIT  AND  HUMOR. 

BULLS  AND  BLUNDERS. 

The  Irish  have  achieved  a  great  celebrity  in  the  matter 
of  bulls  and  blunders.  By  the  uninitiated  these  are  terms 
which  are  constantly  confounded ;  but,  when  they  are 
looked  into,  it  will  be  seen  there  is  the  greatest  difference 
between  them.  Blundering  arises  from  stupidity,  and  the 
stupid  are  a  race  who  are  found  all  over  the  world  ;  but  the 
bull  —  a  peculiarity  that  belongs  exclusively  to  Ireland  — 
is  always  connected  with  thought,  and  originates  in  the 
imaginative  power  of  its  people.  It  is  not  at  all  a  dull 
absurdity  which  no  one  can  comprehend  —  it  is  always 
comprehensible,  even  when  it  is  most  confused.  It  pro- 
ceeds, not  from  the  want,  but  the  superabundance  of  ideas, 
which  crowd  on  each  other  so  fast  in  an  Irishman's 
brain  that  they  get  jammed  together,  so  to  speak,  in  the 
doorway  of  his  speech,  and  can  only  tumble  out  in  their 
ordinary  disorder. 

Confusion  may,  indeed,  be  called  a  national  character^ 
istic.  It  pervades  all  Irish  history.  If  the  stream  of  the 
latter  in  early  days  has  its  gleams  of  bright  tranquility, 
sorely  troubled  does  it  become  as  it  descends  the  steeps 
of  Time,  till,  as  it  flows  on  in  later  ages,  it  encounters 
obstructions,  political  and  religious,  which  give  it  a  turmoil 
and  perplexity  that  we  can  not  survey  without  deploring. 
As  with  the  affairs  of  unhappy  Ireland,  so  has  it  ever  been 
with  its  peasantry.  Public  and  social  disorders  have  com- 
municated a  jar  to  the  brains  of  Pat ;  and,  if  he  can  be 
accused  now  and  then  of  being  a  little  erratic  in  his  say- 
ings and  doings,  he  can  at  least  console  himself  by  pointing 
to  a  long  historical  authority.    He  may  say : 

"  Arrah  !  now,  why  wouldn't  I  be  confused  ?  Wasn't  all 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


113 


of  us  confused,  and  from  the  airliest  time,  and  isn't  a  man 
to  be  consistent  ?  Would  you  have  him  turn  his  coat  when 
scarcely  a  rag  of  it  is  left  him  ?  " 

A  good  example  of  a  bull  may  be  cited  in  the  case  of 
the  two  Irishmen  who,  fancying  that  they  knew  each  other, 
crossed  the  street  to  shake  hands.  On  discovering  their 
error  : 

"  I  beg  your  pardon  !  "  cried  the  one. 

"  Oh,  don't  mention  it,"  said  the  other.  "  It's  a  mutual 
mistake  ;  you  see,  I  thought  it  was  you,  and  you  thought 
it  was  me,  and  after  all,  it  was  neither  of  us !  " 

A  good  pendant  to  this  is  told  of  two  friends  who  met, 
and  referred  to  the  illness  of  a  third  : 

"  Poor  Michael  Hogan  !  Faith,  I'm  afraid  he's  going  to 
die." 

"And  why  would  he  die  ?" 

"  Oh,  he's  got  so  thin !  You're  thin  enough,  and  I'm 
thin  —  but,  by  my  sowl,  Michael  Hogan  is  thinner  than 
both  of  us  put  together  !  " 

A  bull  is  sometimes  produced  by  the  false  use  of  a 
word,  as  in  the  case  of  an  Irish  watchman  giving  evidence 
at  a  police  office  : 

"What  is  this  man's  offense  ?" 

"  He  was  disorderly,  your  worship,  in  the  strates,  last 
night." 

"And  did  you  give  him  warning  before  you  took  him 
into  custody  ?  " 

"  I  did,  your  honor.    I  said  to  him,  '  Disparse  ! ' " 

An  Irish  judge  said,  when  addressing  a  prisoner : 
"  You  are  to  be  hanged,  and  I  hope  it  will  prove  a 
warning  to  you." 


114 


WIT  AND  HUMOR- 


And,  again,  a  bull  may  be  owing  to  a  limited  amount  of 
knowledge  —  as  in  the  case  of  an  old  woman  going  to  the 
chandler's  for  a  farthing  candle,  and,  being  told  it  was 
raised  to  a  halfpenny  on  account  of  the  Russian  war : 

"Bad  luck  to  them!"  she  exclaimed;  "and  do  they 
fight  by  candle-light  ?" 

An  Irish  lover  remarks  that  it  is  a  great  comfort  to  be 
alone,  "  especially  when  yer  swateheart  is  wid  ye." 

An  eminent  spirit-merchant  in  Dublin  announced,  in 
one  of  the  Irish  papers,  that  he  has  still  a  small  quantity 
of  the  whisky  on  sale  lohich  was  drunk  by  his  late  Majesty 
while  in  Dublin. 

A  grocer  in  Washington  advertises  that  he  has  "whisky 
for  sale  that  has  been  drunk  by  all  the  Presidents,  from 
Gen.  Jacksorf  down  to  the  present  time." 

A  physician  gave  a  patient  a  box  of  pills,  with  direc- 
tions to  "  take  one  pill  Jive  times  a  day  " 

An  American  lecturer  solemnly  said  one  evening : 

"  Parents,  you  may  have  children,  or,  if  not,  your  daugh- 
ters may  have." 

And  it  was  a  German  orator  who,  warming  with  his 
subject,  exclaimed : 

"  There  is  no  man  or  child  in  this  vast  assembly  who 
has  arrived  at  the  age  of  fifty  years,  that  has  not  felt  the 
truth  of  this  mighty  subject  thundering  through  his  mind 
for  centuries." 

An  Irishman,  hearing  of  a  friend  who  had  a  stone  coffin 
made  for  himself,  exclaimed  * 

"  Faith,  that's  good.  Sure  an'  a  stone  coffin  'ud  last  a 
man  a  lifetime." 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


115 


A  Yorkshire  clergyman,  preaching  for  the  Blind  Asy- 
lum, began  by  gravely  remarking  : 

"  If  all  the  world  were  blind,  what  a  melancholy  sight  it 
would  be  ! " 

An  Irish  editor  says  he  can  see  no  earthly  reason  why 
women  should  not  be  allowed  to  become  medical  men. 

"  It  is  very  sickly  here,"  said  one  of  the  sons  of  the 
Emerald  Isle  the  other  day  to  another. 

"  Yes,"  replied  his  companion  "  a  great  many  have  died 
this  year  that  never  died  before." 

Captain.  "  How  many  fathoms  ?  " 
Pilot.    "  Can't  touch  bottom,  sir." 

Captain.    "  Well,  d  n  it,  how  near  do  you  come  ?" 

An  advertisement  in  an  Irish  paper,  setting  forth  the 
many  conveniences  and  advantages  to  be  derived  from 
metal  window  sashes,  among  other  particulars  observed 
"that  these  sashes  would  last  forever  —  and  afterwards,  if 
the  owner  had  no  use  for  them,  they  might  be  sold  for  old 
iron." 

"  As  I  was  going  over  the  bridge  the  other  day,"  said  a 
native  of  Erin,  "  I  met  Pat  Hewins.  '  Hewins,'  says  I, 
'  how  are  you  ? ' 

'  Pretty  well,  thank  you,  Donnelly,'  says  he. 

"  '  Donnelly,'  says  I,  *  that's  not  my  name.' 

" '  Faith,  then,  no  more  is  mine  Hewins.' 

"  So  with  that  we  looked  at  each  other  agin,  an'  sure 
enough,  it  was  nayther  of  us." 

An  Irishman  who  was  standing  on  London  bridge,  said 
to  a  youth : 

"  Faith,  and  I  think  I  know  yees  ;  what's  yer  name  ?  " 

F 


116 


WIT    AND  HUMOR. 


Jones,"  said  the  boy. 
"  Jones,  Jones,"  said  the  Irishman  ;  "  and  I  knew  seven- 
teen ould  maids  by  that  name  in  Dublin.    Was  aither  of 
them  your  mither  ?  " 

"  It's  thrue,"  said  Paddy  to  Dennis  one  day,  "  it  wor  a 
grand  soight.  But  whoile  ye're  standin'  sit  down,  an'  oi''ll 
tell  ye  all  about  it." 

"  Ladies  and  gentlemen,'^  said  an  Irish  manager  to  his 
audience  of  three,  "  as  there  is  nobody  here,  I'll  dismiss 
you  all ;  the  performance  of  this  night  will  not  be  per- 
formed, but  will  be  repeated  to-morrow  evening." 

Two  Irishmen,  recently  arrived  in  America,  were  trav- 
eling along  a  country  road  one  cold  morning,  when,  as 
they  were  passing  a  house,  their  conversation  was  inter- 
rupted by  the  sudden  appearance  of  several  dogs.  One 
seized  hold  of  a  stone,  but  finding  it  frozen  fast  to  the 
ground,  he  exclaimed  :  My,  what  a  counthry  !  The  sthones 
are  tied  fast  and  the  dogs  are  tied  loose  ! " 

An  Irish  doctor  lately  sent  in  his  bill  to  a  lady  as  fol- 
lows :  "  To  curing  your  husband  till  he  died." 

"  A  man  who'd  maliciously  set  lire  to  a  barn,"  said  Elder 
Podson,  "  and  burn  up  a  stable  full  of  horses  and  cows, 
ought  to  be  kicked  to  death  by  a  jackass,  and  I'd  like  to 
be  the  one  to  do  it." 

Servant.  "  Please,  sir,  you  ain't  got  no  bread  and  the 
baker  says  he  won't  trust  you  any  longer  ?  " 

Irate  Hibernian.  "  Och,  the  mane  baste.  No  bread  ! 
Bedad,  then,  I  must  have  toast." 

Some  years  ago  two  Irishmen  were  carrying  the  hod,  at 
a  new  brick  building  going  up  on  the  street  fronting  on 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


117 


the  North  River,  New  York.  At  noon,  one  of  the  Cunard 
steamers,  going  out  to  sea,  fired  ofi^  the  usual  guns.  "  Do 
you  hear  that,  Larry  ?  "  "  The  goons  do  you  mane  ?  What 
is  it  ?  "    "  Why,  ov  coorse,  it's  an  arrival  goirC  out !  " 

Two  deacons  once  disputing  about  a  proposed  new 
graveyard,  one  remarked :  "  I'll  never  be  buried  in  that 
ground  as  long  as  1  live  !  "  "  What  an  obstinate  man  !  " 
said  the  other.    "  If  my  life  is  spared  I  will." 

An  Irishman  once  ordered  a  painter  to  draw  his  picture 
and  to  represent  him  standing  behind  a  tree. 

That  was  a  triumphant  appeal  of  an  Irishman  who  was 
a  lover  of  antiquity,  who,  in  arguing  the  superiority  of  old 
architecture  over  the  new,  said,  "  Where  will  you  find  any 
modern  building  that  has  lasted  so  long  as  the  ancient  ?  " 

An  Irish  magistrate,  censuring  some  boys  for  loitering 
in  the  streets,  argued  :  "  If  everybody  were  to  stand  in  the 
street,  how  could  anybody  get  by  ?  " 

"Where  did  you  put  the  hoe  I  saw  you  wid?"  "It's 
gone  intirely,  feyther."  "Thin  I'll  break  ivery  bone  in 
your  body  wid  it  if  you  don't  find  it." 

Lord  and  Master  {small-sized^  but  resolute).  "  You  are 
wrong,  madam  ;  quite  wrong." 

His  Slave.    "But  I  say  I  am  not  wrong." 

Lord  and  Master.    "  But  I  have  proved  you  are  wrong." 

His  Slave.  "I  beg  your  pardon,  1  am  not  wrong.  I  may 
be  mistaken,  but  I  am  not  wrong." 

Two  Irishmen  were  working  in  a  quarry  when  one  of 
them  fell  into  a  deep  quarry  hole.  The  other,  alarmed, 
came  to  the  margin  of  the  hole  and  called  out,  "Arrah, 
Pat,  are  ye  killed  intirely  ?    If  yeVe  dead,  spake."  Pat 


118 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


reassured  him  from  the  bottom  by  saying  in  answer,  "  No, 
Tim,  I'm  not  dead,  but  I'm  spachless." 

At  a  crowded  concert  the  other  evening,  a  young  lady, 
standing  at  the  door  of  the  hall,  was  addressed  by  an 
honest  Hibernian,  who  was  in  attendance  on  the  occasion. 
"  Indade,  miss,"  said  he,  I  should  be  glad  to  give  you  a 
sate,  but  the  empty  ones  are  all  full." 

"  Gentlemen,  is  not  one  man  as  good  as  another  ? " 
"  Uv  course  he  is,"  shouted  an  excited  Irish  chartist,  ^'  and 
a  great  deal  bether.'^'' 

Said  an  Irish  justice  to  an  obstreperous  prisoner  on 
trial :  "  We  want  nothing  but  silence,  and  but  little  of 
that." 

A  lady  the  other  day  meeting  a  girl  who  had  lately  left 
her  service,  inquired,  "Well,  Mary,  where  do  you  live 
now  ? "  "  Please,  ma'am,  I  don't  live  nowhere  now,"  re- 
plied the  girl ;  "  /  am  married^ 

Old  Dr.  Cook,  of  Albany,  in  a  flaming  advertisement, 
speaking  of  the  extent  of  his  fame  and  his  powers,  says  : 
"  There  is  no  part  of  this  country  where  people  do  not 
reside  whom  I  have  not  cured." 

An  Irishman  got  out  of  his  carriage  at  a  railway  station 
for  refreshments,  but  the  bell  rang  and  the  train  left  before 
he  had  finished  his  repast.  "  Hould  on  !  "  cried  Pat,  as  he 
ran  like  a  madman  after  the  car,  "hould  on,  ye  murthen 
ould  stame  injin — ye've  got  a  passenger  on  board  that's 
left  behind." 

An  Irishman,  describing  the  trading  powers  of  the 
genuine  Yankee,  said :  "  Bedad,  if  he  was  cast  away  on  a 


WIT  AND  HUMOR.  119 

desolate  island,  he'd  get  up  the  next  mornin'  and  go  round 
selling  maps  to  the  inhabitants." 

An  illiterate  farmer,  wishing  to  enter  some  animals  at 
an  agricultural  exhibition,  wrote  to  the  secretary  as  fol- 
lows:  "Also  enter  me  for  the  best  jackass  ;  I  am  sure  of 
taking  the  premium." 

Biddy  was  bad  with  the  colic.  She  was  sure  she  was 
going  to  die,  and  that  she  was.  Various  remedies  were 
suggested  to  her.  "  Indade,"  said  she,  "  I  would  take  any- 
thing to  make  me  well,  if  I  knew  it  would  kill  me." 

An  Irishman,  with  a  heavy  bundle  on  his  shoulders, 
riding  on  the  front  of  a  horse-car,  was  asked  why  he  did 
not  set  his  bundle  down  on  the  platform.  He  replied:  "Be 
jabers,  the  horses  have  enough  to  drag  me  ;  I'll  carry  the 
bundle." 

An  Irish  agricultural  journal  advertises  a  new  washing- 
machine  under  the  heading  :  "  Every  man  his  own  washer- 
woman," and  in  its  culinary  department  says  that,  "  pota- 
toes should  always  be  boiled  in  cold  water." 

There  are  bulls  in  Portugal,  as  well  as  in  Ireland.  The 
Mayor  of  Estremadura,  offering  a  reward  for  the  recovery 
of  the  remains  of  a  drowned  man,  enumerated  among  the 
recognizable  marks,  that  the  lamented  had  a  "marked 
impediment  in  his  speech." 

An  Irish  editor,  in  speaking  of  the  miseries  of  Ireland, 
says :  "  Her  cup  of  miseries  has  been  for  ages  overflowing, 
and  is  not  yet  full." 

When  Paddy  heard  an  Englishman  speaking  of  the  fine 
echo  at  the  lake  of  Killarney,  which  repeats  the  sound 
forty  times,  he  very  promptly  observed : 


120 


WIT  AKD  HUMOR. 


"  Faith,  that's  nothing  at  all  to  the  echo  in  my  father's 
garden,  in  the  county  of  Galway.    If  you  say  to  it : 
"  '  How  do  you  do,  Paddy  Blake  ? '  it  will  answer : 
"  *  Pretty  well,  thank  you,  sir.'  " 


A  new  and  enterprising  paper  advertises  thus  : 
"  Run  away — A  hired  man  named  John  ;  his  nose  turned 
up  five  feet  eight  inches  high,  and  had  on  a  pair  of  cordu- 
roy pants,  much  worn." 

How  that  nose  must  have  looked,  dressed  up  in  corduroy 
pants ! 

A  Towanda  (Penn.)  sign  reads  thus  : 

"John  Smith — teacher  of  cowtillions  and  other  dances 
— gramer  taut  in  the  neetest  manner — fresh  salt  herrin  on 
draft — likewise  Godfreys  cordial — rutes,  sassage  and  other 
garden  truck. — N.  B.  A  bawl  on  frida  nite — prayer  meetin 
chuesday  also  salme  singin  by  the  quire." 


STARTLING  INFORMATION. 

A  recent  advertisement  contains  the  following  startling 
information  : 

"If  the  gentleman  who  keeps  the  shoe  store  with  a  red 
head  will  return  the  umbrella  of  a  young  lady  with  whale- 
bone ribs  and  an  ivory  handle  to  the  slate-roofed  grocer's 
store,  he  will  hear  something  to  his  advantage,  as  the  same 
is  the  gift  of  a  deceased  mother,  now  no  more,  with  the 
name  engraved  upon  it." 

Among  the  replies  to  an  advertisement  of  a  music  com- 
mittee for  "  a  candidate  as  organist,  music  -  teacher,"  etc., 
was  the  following:  " Gen^^^nen,  I  noticed  your  advertise- 


WIT  AND  HITMOR. 


121 


ment  for  organist  and  music-teacher,  either  lady  or  gentle- 
man. Having  been  both  for  several  years,  I  offer  you  my 
services." 

A  colored  clergyman   in  Philadelphia  recently  gave 
notice  as  follows  from  the  pulpit ;  "  There  will  be  four 
days'  meeting  every  evening  this  week,  except  Wednesday, 
afternoon." 

A  music  dealer,  not  long  since,  received  the  following 
order : 

"  Please  send  me  the  music  to  '  Strike  the  Harp  in 
Praise  of  God  and  Paddle  Your  Own  Canoe.' " 


A  gushing  but  ungrammatical  editor  says  :  "  We  have 
received  a  basket  of  fine  grapes  from  our  friend,  Mr.  Tomp- 
kins, for  which  he  will  please  accept  our  compliments,  some 
of  which  are  nearly  one  inch  in  diameter." 


MIND  YOUR  STOPS. 

The  omission  of  a  comma  has  frequently  given  a  very 
awkward  turn  to  a  sentence.  We  remember  an  epitaph 
which  suffered  severely  from  such  an  oversight.  It  ran 
pretty  much  as  follows  : 

"  Erected  to  the  memory  of  John  Phillips,  accidentally 
shot  as  a  mark  of  affection  by  his  brother." 

A  printer,  meddling  with  the  verdict  of  a  coroner's  jury, 
struck  out  a  comma  after  the  word  "  apoplexy,"  making  it 
read  thus : 

"Deceased  came  to  his  death  by  excessive  drinking, 
producing  apoplexy  in  the  minds  of  the  jury." 

A  correspondent  introduces  a  piece  of  poetry  to  the 
editor  of  an  American  newspaper  in  these  words: 


122 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"The  following  lines  were  written  fifty  years  ago  by 
one  who  has  for  many  years  slept  in  his  grave  merely  for 
his  amusement." 

A  comma  at  "grave"  would  have  rendered  the  sentence, 
at  all  events,  comprehensible,  though  nothing  would  efface 
its  absurd  diction. 

The  compositor  on  a  Philadelphia  paper,  by  misplace- 
ment of  a  space,  informed  the  masses  of  that  city  tliat 
Mr.  would  address  them  asses  at  National  Hall. 


IRISH  WIT. 

The  proneness  of  Irish  wit  to  hyperbole  is  well  illus- 
trated in  the  story  of  the  man  who  described  the  gluttony 
of  a  young  pig  by  saying  that  he  had  fed  him  with  two 
pailfuls  of  milk  and  meal,  and  then  put  the  pig  in  the  pail, 
which  he  didn't  half  fill. 

Another  specimen  of  the  same  exaggeration  is  reported 
by  a  correspondent  traveling  in  Ireland,  who  overheard  an 
Irishman  describing  to  some  companions  the  country  he 
was  urging  them  to  emigrate  to. 

"Ameriky,"  said  he,  "is  a  mighty  sizable  place.  I'm 
tould  ye  might  roll  England  through  it,  an'  it  would  hardly 
make  a  dint  in  the  ground.  There's  a  fresh  water  ocean 
inside  of  it  that  ye  might  drown  Ireland  in,  an'  save  Father 
Matthew  a  wonderful  soight  of  trouble.  An'  as  for  Scot- 
land, ye  might  stick  it  in  a  corner  of  their  forests,  an'  ye'd 
never  be  able  to  find  it,  except,  it  might  be,  by  the  smell 
of  the  whisky." 

Two  Irishmen  were  talking  about  an  accident,  when  the 
following  colloquy  occurred : 

"  Shure,  how  is  the  man  that  was  hurt  ?  " 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


123 


"An'  he's  no  bether." 
"  Is  he  conscious  ?  " 

"  Yis,  he's  conscious,  but  divil  a  thing  does  he  know." 


"  Pat,  do  you  understand  French  ?  " 
"  Yis,  if  it's  shpoke  in  Irish." 


AN  IRISH  HOSTLER. 

An  Irish  hostler  was  sent  to  the  stable  to  bring  forth  a 
traveler's  horse. 

Not  knowing  which  of  the  two  strange  horses  in  the 
stalls  belonged  to  the  traveler,  and  wishing  to  avoid  the 
appearance  of  ignorance  in  his  business,  he  saddled  both 
animals  and  brought  them  to  the  door.  The  traveler 
pointed  out  his  own  horse,  saying,  "  That's  my  nag." 

"  Certainly,  yer  honor ;  I  know  that,  but  I  didn't  know 
which  one  of  them  was  the  other  gentleman's." 


PAT-ENT  GUN. 

I've  heard  a  good  joke  on  Emerald  Pat, 

Who  kept  a  few  brains  and  a  brick  in  his  hat ; 

He  was  bound  to  go  hunting  ;  so  taking  his  gun 

He  rammed  down  a  charge  —  this  was  load  number  one; 

Then  he  put  in  the  priming,  and  when  all  was  done, 

By  way  of  experiment,  he  thought  he  would  try 

And  see  if  by  perchance  he  might  hit  the  "  bulPs  eye." 

He  straightened  himself  until  he  made  a  good  figure, 

Took  a  deliberate  aim  and  then  pulled  the  trigger. 

Click  !  went  the  hammer,  but  nothing  exploded  ; 

"And  sure,'*  muttered  Paddy,  "  the  gun  isn't  loaded." 

So  down  went  another  charge,  just  as  before, 

Unless  this  contained  a  grain  or  two  more  ; 

Once  more  he  made  ready  and  took  a  good  aim 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


And  pulled  on  the  trigger  —  effect  quite  the  same. 

"  I  wonder,  can  this  be,  still  shootin'  ?  "  said  Pat ; 

**  I  put  down  a  load,  now  I'm  certain  of  that  ; 

I'll  try  it  again,  and  then  we  shall  see  ! 

So  down  went  the  cartridge  of  load  number  three. 

Then  trying  again  with  a  confident  air, 

And  succeeding  no  better,  he  gave  up  in  despair. 

Just  at  that  moment  he  happened  to  spy 

His  friend,  Michael  Milligan,  hurrying  by. 

"  Hello,  Mike  !  Come  here  and  try  on  my  gun  ; 

I've  been  trying  to  shoot  until  I'm  tired  and  done  !  *' 

So  Mike  took  the  gun  and  picked  up  the  powder, 

Remarking  to  Pat,  "  it  would  make  it  go  louder." 

Then  placing  it  firmly  against  his  right  arm, 

And  never  suspecting  it  might  do  him  harm, 

He  pointed  the  piece  in  the  proper  direction. 

And  pulled  on  the  trigger  without  more  reflection, 

When  ofi^  went  the  gun  like  a  county  election 

Where  whisky  and  gin  have  exclusive  selection 

Of  those  who  are  chosen  to  guard  the  inspection  — 

There's  a  great  deal  of  noise  —  and  some  little  inspection, 

And  Michael  "went  off"  in  another  direction. 

"  Hold  on  !  "  shouted  Pat,  "  Hold  on  to  the  gun, 

I  put  in  three  loads,  and  you  fired  ofl'  but  one  ! 

Get  up,  and  be  careful,  don't  hold  it  so  level, 

Or  else  we  are  both  us  gone  to  the  —  cemetery  ! " 

"  I'm  goin',"  says  Michael,  "  it's  time  that  I  wint, 

Vve  got  meself  kicked  and  I'll  just  take  the  hint." 

Now,  old  boys,  and  young,  here's  a  moral  for  you  ; 
Don't  make  Pat  your  pattern  whatever  you  do. 
Don't  carry  too  much  in  the  crown  of  your  hat ; 
Of  all  things  you  lodge  there  beware  of  the  bat  I 
I  don't  mean  the  little  mouse  flying  in  the  air. 
The  ladies  so  fear  that  may  get  into  their  hair. 
But  the  dangerous  brick  bat,  so  much  worse  than  that, 
Nobody  can  wear  it  that  isn't  a  "  flat," 


WIT  AND  HUMOR, 


125 


And  then  don't  forget  it  is  one  of  Old  Nick's 
Diabolical  methods  of  playing  his  tricks 
On  foolish  young  men  who  become  "  perfect  bricks 
He  don't  give  the  hint  until  aftei^  he  kicks  ! 


"  Bridget,  I  wish  you  would  go  and  see  how  old  Mrs. 
Jones  is  this  morning." 

Bridget  returned  in  a  few  minutes  with  the  information 
that  Mrs.  Jones  was  seventy-two  years,  ten  months,  and 
eight  days  old. 

NO  SMOKING  ALLOWED. 

The  captain  of  a  steamboat,  seeing  an  Irishman  smoking 
away  abaft  the  wheelhouse,  stepped  up  to  him  and  said  : 

"  Don't  you  see  that  notice  stuck  up  there  ?" 

"  D'ye  mane  that  bit  o'  painted  tin  ?  " 

"To  be  sure  I  do.    Why  don't  you  follow  it?" 

"  I  haven't  sayn  it  move ;  it's  nailed  fast,  I'm  con- 
siderin'." 

"I  mean,  have  you  read  that  notice?" 
"  Divil  a  bit ;  shure  I  don't  know  how  to  rade." 
"  Well,  it  says  :  '  No  smoking  allowed  here.'" 
"  By  the  powers !  it  doesn't  consarn  me  a  smite,  thin, 
for  I  never  smoked  'aloud'  in  my  life." 


ANNOYED  BY  MOSQUITOES. 

The  other  evening,  two  Irishman,  new  in  the  country, 
arrived  in  Toledo  late  in  the  evening,  and  put  up  at  the 
Island  House.  They  were  shown  to  a  room  far  up  in 
the  building,  the  gas  lighted,  and  they  were  left  alone.  ^ 

The  weather  was  hot,  the  windows  open,  and  the  two 
gentlemen  sat  down  to  enjoy  a  chat.    Soon,  attracted  by 


126 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


the  light  and  the  prospect  of  a  square  meal,  a  troop  of  the 
hungriest  mosquitoes  bore  down  upon  the  ill-fated  Hiber- 
nians. They  fought  and  bled,  but  the  enemy  constantly 
received  reinforcements,  and  the  travelers  were  in  despair. 
The  clerk  was  summoned  and  asked,  agonizingly : 

"Is  there  no  defence  against  these  bloodthirsty  craturs?" 

He  told  the  travelers  that  if  they  put  out  their  gas  and 
closed  their  windows,  they  would  experience  relief. 

They  acted  on  the  suggestion,  and  placed  themselves 
between  the  sheets.  Just  as  they  began  to  doze,  a  light- 
ning-bug caught  the  eye  of  one  of  the  travelers.  He 
roused  his  companion  with  a  punch. 

"  Jamie,  Jamie,  it's  no  use.  Here's  one  of  the  craturs 
sarchin'  for  us  wid  a  lantern  !  " 


SELF- CONVICTED. 

An  English  gentleman  was  writing  a  letter  in  a  coffee- 
house, and  perceiving  an  Irishman  stationed  behind  him 
reading  it,  said  nothing,  but  finished  his  letter  in  these 
words : 

"  I  would  say  more,  but  a  big,  tall  Irishman  is  reading 
over  my  shoulder  every  word  I  write." 

"You  lie,  you  scoundrel!"  said  the  self- convicted 
Hibernian. 

"I^M  QUITE  OF  YOUR  WAY  OF  THINKIN'." 

Some  people  are  so  wedded  to  their  own  notions  that 
they  will  not  have  any  persons  for  friends,  or  even  for 
servants,  who  do  not  entertain  similar  views. 

A  certain  Irish  lord  always  made  a  point  of  strictly 
examining  his  domestics,  as  to  their  religious  and  political 
faith,  before  he  engaged  them.    While  residing  on  his 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


127 


Irish  estates,  a  groom  presented  himself  to  be  hired,  and 
he  had  resolved  beforehand  not  to  compromise  himself  by 
any  inconsiderate  reply. 

"  What  are  your  opinions  ?  " 

"  Indeed,  then,  your  lordship's  honor,  I  have  just  none 
at  all,  at  all." 

"  Not  any  !  nonsense  !  you  must  have  some,  and  I  insist 
upon  knowing  them." 

"  Why,  then,  your  honor's  glory,  they  are  for  all  the 
world  just  the  same  as  your  lordship's." 

"  Then  you  can  have  no  objection  to  state  them,  and  to 
confess  frankly  what  is  your  way  of  thinking  ?  " 

"  Och  !  and  is  it  my  way  of  thinking  you  mane  by  my 
opinion  ?  Why,  then,  I  am  exactly  the  same  way  of  think- 
ing as  Pat  Sullivan,  your  honor's  game-keeper,  for,  says  he 
to  me,  as  I  was  coming  up  stairs,  '  Murphy,'  says  he,  '  I'm 
thinking  you'll  never  be  paying  me  the  two-and-twenty 
shillin's  I  lent  you,  last  Christmas  was  a  twelve-month.' 
'  Faith  ! '  says  I,  '  Pat'  Sullivan  !  I'm  quite  of  your  way  of 
thinkin'.' " 


WIDOW  MALONEY'S  PIG. 

Mike  Murphy  was  taken  to  ta»sk  by  his  spiritual  adviser 
lor  having  stolen  widow  Maloney's  pig.  The  evidence 
against  Mike  was  so  direct  and  positive,  that  it  was  worse 
than  useless  for  him  to  deny  the  crime,  and  he  listened  with 
downcast  eyes  and  much  meekness  to  a  well-deserved  lec- 
ture from  the  priest,  upon  the  wickedness  of  the  theft  he 
had  committed,  till  the  reverend  gentleman  asked  him  what 
he  would  say  in  the  day  of  judgment  when  he  should  pe 
confronted  by  Mrs.  Maloney  and  her  pig  ?  when  be  bright- 
ened up  at  a  happy  thought,  and  said ; 

9 


128 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"  And  ye  say  that  the  pig  '11  be  there,  yer  riverence  ?  " 

"  Yes,  the  pig  '11  be  there,  and  Mrs.  Maloney  '11  be 
there,  too,  living  witnesses  against  you.  What,  I  repeat, 
can  you  say  in  such  a  presence  ?  " 

"  Yer  riverence,  I'll  say.  Widow  Maloney,  there's  yer 
pig,  take  it !  " 

AN  UNEXPECTED  REPLY. 

Jonathan  and  Paddy  were  riding  together  one  day  when 
they  came  in  sight  of  an  old  gallows.  This  suggested  to 
the  American  the  idea  of  being  witty  at  the  expense  of  his 
Irish  companion.  "You  see  that,  I  calculate,"  said  he, 
"  and  now  where  would  you  be  if  the  gallows  had  its  due  ?  " 

"  Riding  alone,"  coolly  replied  Paddy. 


HOW  MANY  WERE  AT  THE  PARTY. 

Mr.  O'Flaherty  undertook  to  tell  how  many  were  at  the 
party :  "  The  two  Crogans  were  one,  myself  was  two, 
Mike  Finn  was  three,  and  —  and  —  who  was  four  ?  Let  me 
see"  (counting  on  his  fingers).  "The  two  Crogans  was 
one,  Mike  Finn  was  two,  myself  was  three,  and  bedad ! 
there  was  four  of  us,  but  I  couldn't  tell  the  name  of  the 
other.  Now,  it's  meself  that  has  it.  Mike  Finn  was  one, 
the  two  Crogans  was  two,  myself  was  three  —  and  —  by 
my  soul,  I  think  there  was  but  three  of  us  after  all." 


WHERE  ARE  THE  SAUSAGES  ? 

A  lady  in  Cincinnati  has  recently  had  a  remarkable 
experience  with  a  new  Irish  girl : 

"  Biddy,"  said  she,  one  evening,  "  we  must  have  some 
sausages  for  tea  this  evening,  I  expect  company." 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


129 


"Yes,  ma'am." 

Tea  time  arrived,  and  with  it  the  company  ;  the  table 
was  spread,  the  tea  was  simmering,  but  no  sausages 
appeared. 

Where  are  the  sausages,  Biddy  ?  "  the  lady  inquired. 
"  And  sure  they're  in  the  ta-pot,  ma'am  !    Didn't  you 
tell  me  we  must  have  'em  for  ta  ?  " 


DID  YOU  HEAR  THE  THUNDER  ? 

Two  good-natured  Irishmen,  on  a  certain  occasion,  occu- 
pied the  same  bed.  In  the  morning  one  of  them  inquired 
of  the  other : 

"  Dennis,  did  you  hear  the  thunder  last  night  ?  " 

"  No,  Pat ;  did  it  raily  thunder  ?  " 

"Yes,  it  thundered  as  if  hiven  and  airth  would  come 
together." 

"Why  in  the  divil,  then,  didn't  ye  wake  me,  for  ye 
know  I  can't  slape  whin  it  thunders." 


NOT  A  BIT  O^  DIFFERENCE,  BE  DAD. 

A  business  man  of  James  Street  hired  a  laborer  last 
week  to  cut  the  grass  in  his  yard  and  tidy  up  about 
the  premises.  At  noon  the  man  returned  to  the  office, 
saying:  "I've  cleaned,  up  the  yard  and  cut  most  of  the 
grass,  an'  sure,  sir,  a  man  he  tould  me  I  was  in  the  wrong 
yard,  but  he  said  it  would  not  make  the  divil  a  bit  o'  dif- 
ference, be  dad." 

A  pedagogue  told  one  of  his  scholars,  a  son  of  the 
Emerald  Isle,  to  spell  hostility. 
"  H-o-r-s-e,  horse,"  began  Pat. 

"  Not  horse  tility,"  said  the  teacher,  "  but  hostility^" 


130 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"  Sure,"  replied  Pat,  "  an'  didn't  ye  tell  me  the  other 
day  not  to  say  hoss  ?  Be  jabers,  it's  one  thing  wid  ye 
one  day  and  another  the  nixt." 


A  DISTINCTION  WITHOUT  A  DIFFERENCE. 

An  instance  of  the  distinction  without  a  difference  was 
offered  by  the  Irishman  who,  having  legs  of  different  sizes, 
ordered  his  boots  to  be  made  accordingly.  His  directions 
were  obeyed,  but  as  he  tried  the  smallest  boot  on  his 
lltrgest  foot,  he  exclaimed  petulantly:  "Confound  that 
fellow  !  I  ordered  him  to  make  one  larger  than  the  other  ; 
and  instead  of  that  he  has  made  one  smaller  than  the 
other."   

Two  Irishmen,  in  crossing  a  field,  came  in  contact  with 
a  jackass,  which  was  making  "  daylight  hideous  "  with  his 
unearthly  braying. 

Jemmy  stood  a  moment  in  astonishment,  then  turning  to 
Pat,  who  was  also  enraptured  with  the  song,  he  remarked : 

"  It's  a  fine  ear  the  bird  has  got  for  music,  but  he's  got 
a  wonderful  cowld." 

DIDN'T  HAVE  THE  SIXPENCE. 

An  Irishman  asks  a  Long  Island  woman  the  price  of  a 
pair  of  fowls,  and  is  told  : 
"A  dollar." 

"And  a  dollar  it  is,  my  darlint  ?  Why,  in  my  country 
you  might  buy  them  for  sixpence  apiece." 

"  And  why  didn't  you  stay  in  that  blessed  cheap  coun- 
try?" 

"Och,  faith,  and  there  was  no  sixpence  there^  to  be 
sure ! 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


131 


GOT  AHEAD  OF  THE  MUSICIAN. 
An  Irishman  hearing  of  a  wonderful  musician,  concluded 
to  take  lessons  from  him,  and  inquired  of  his  terms.  The 
answer  was : 

"  Six  dollars  for  the  first  month  and  three  dollars  for  the 
second  month." 

"  Then,"  said  the  Irishman,  "  I'll  come  the  second 
month." 

AN  IRISH  BOUQUET. 

An  acceptable  bouquet  of  Irish  fun  can  always  be  had. 
A  good  one  is  that  of  the  Irishman  who  said,  in  response 
to  an  inquiry : 

"Sick  is  it!  Sick!  Faith  and  I  laid  spachless  sivin 
long  weeks  in  the  month  of  August,  and  did  nothin'  but 
cry  '  Wather,  wather,'  all  the  time." 

A  very  good  one  is  told  of  the  fellow  who  was  present 
at  a  fire.  The  building  was  a  dwelling-house,  and  a  lady 
appeared  at  a  third-story  window,  crying  for  help  to  save 
her  life.  The  Irishman,  greatly  moved  at  this,  commenced 
shouting  for  a  rope,  when  a  by-stander  interrupted  him 
with  : 

"  What  do  you  want  with  a  rope  ?  " 

"  Why,  to  haul  her  out,  ov  coorse,"  was  the  ready  reply. 

And  still  another : 

Jimmy.  "  I  was  up  at  the  menagerie  yisterday  afther- 
noon." 

"  I  was  there  too,"  responded  Mike. 
"  By  me  soul,"  said  Jimmy,  scratching  his  head,  "I  was 
lookin'  for  ye  ;  which  cage  were  you  in  ?  " 

"  Mike^"  said  one  Irishman  to  another,  "  will  you  lend 
me  your  face  ?  " 


132  WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"What  for?" 

"To  go  begging  with." 

"Is  yours  worn  out  already?"  was  the  witty  rejoinder. 

"  That  was  a  good  thing  you  got  off  the  other  day,"  said 
one  Irishman  to  another. 

"  Yis  !  phat's  this  it  was  ?  " 

"A  dirty  shirt,"  was  the  laughable  reply. 


"  Did  ye  ever  know  such  a  cold  Summer  as  this  ?  "  asked 
Mike  of  a  fellow  Irishman. 
"  Yes,"  answered  Pat. 
"When?" 

"  Last  Winter,  be  jabers  !  " 


A  man,  referring  to  the  sudden  death  of  a  relative,  was 
asked  if  he  lived  high. 

"  Well,  I  can't  say  he  did,"  said  Terrence,  "  but  he  died 
high." 

Like  the  banks  in  these  days,  he  was  suspended. 


"Why,  you'd  better  knock  the  door  down.  What  do 
you  want  ?  " 

"  Och,  my  darling !  don't  let  me  wake  any  of  your 
family.  I'm  just  using  your  knocker  to  wake  the  people 
next  door.  I'm  locked  out,  d'ye  see,  and  they've  niver  a 
knocker." 

STRONG  FILIAL  AFFECTION. 

Perhaps  the  strongest  recorded  instance  of  filial  affec- 
tion is  that  of  an  Irish  son,  if  we  may  receive,  without  smy 
suspicion,  the  evidence  of  a  fond  and  doting  father : 


WIT  AND  HUMOR.      ^  133 

"  Och,  now,  my  darlint,"  exclaimed  the  latter,  when  his 
boy  threatened  to  enlist  in  the  army,  "would  you  be  lavin' 
your  poor  ould  father  who  dotes  upon  ye  ?  You,  the  best 
and  most  dutiful  of  all  my  children,  and  the  only  one  that 
never  struck  me  when  I  was  down  ! " 


AN  IRISH  LOVE  LETTER. 

The  following  genuine  specimen  of  a  love  letter  is  now 
published  for  the  first  time  : 

"  Dear  Miss  :  I  have  been  in  love  for  you  a  long  time, 
and  take  this  opportunity  to  inform  you  by  letter ;  and 
would  ye  like  to  cort  for  marriage,  if  so  I  would  like  to 
have  you  if  you  are  not  spoke  for.  And  if  you  are  spoke 
for  is  your  sister  spoke  for.  You  and  she  is  both  so  hansom 
it  is  hard  to  tell  which  is  the  hansomis.  I  have  got  a  little 
farm  big  enuf  to  lie  down  on,  and  don't  you  think  I  am 
pretty  good-looking.  I  think  you  are  very  good-looking. 
And  if  you  want  me  and  if  you  don't  want  me  be  sure  and 
answer  me  yis  or  no." 


AN  EQUIVOCAL  ANSWER. 

A  literary  gentleman,  wishing  to  be  undisturbed  one 
day,  instructed  his  Irish  servant  to  admit  no  one,  and  if 
any  one  should  inquire  for  him,  to  give  him  an  equivocal 
answer.  Night  came,  and  the  gentleman  proceeded  to 
interrogate  Pat  as  to  his  visitors  : 

"  Did  any  one  call  ?  " 

"  Yes,  sir  ;  wan  gintleman." 

"What  did  he  say?" 

"He  axed  was  yer  honor  in." 

"Well,  what  did  you  tell  him?'* 


134  WIT  AND  HUMOR. 

"  Sure,  T  gave  him  a  quivikle  answer,  jist." 
"  How  was  that  ?  " 

"  I  axed  him  was  his  grandmother  a  monkey." 

On  the  arrival  of  an  emigrant  ship,  some  years  ago, 
when  the  North  Carolina  lay  off  the  Battery,  an  Irishman, 
hearing  the  gun  fired  at  sunset,  inquired  of  one  of  the 
sailors  what  it  was.  "  What's  that  ?  Why,  that's  sunset," 
was  the  contemptuous  reply. 

"  Sunset !  "  Paddy  exclaimed,  with  distended  eyes  ; 
"sunset!  Howly  Moses!  and  does  the  sun  go  down  in 
this  country  with  sich  a  clap  as  that  ?  " 


THE  VERY  MAN  FOR  HIM. 

An  athletic  specimen  of  the  Emerald  Isle  called  on  a 
wharfinger  for  a  job. 

"  The  top  o'  the  mornin'  to  ye.  Muster  P.  I've  been 
told  that  ye're  in  want  of  help." 

"I've  but  little  to  do,"  replied  P.,  with  mercantile 
gravity. 

"  I'm  the  very  boy  for  yees  !   It's  but  little  I  care  about 
doing  —  it's  the  money  I'm  after,  shure  !  " 
The  naive  reply  procured  him  a  situation. 


THE  IRISHMAN  TOO  SHARP  FOR  THE  DUTCHMAN. 

A  rather  amusing,  but  improbable,  story  is  told  of  the 
Dutchman  and  the  Irishman.  It  was  agreed  between  them 
to  grip,  with  their  teeth,  the  two  ends  of  a  strap,  the  one 
betting  the  other  that  he  could  pull  it  out  of  his  mouth. 
The  parties  got  ready,  and  had  the  strap  fixed  between 
their  teeth,  and  at  the  word  "  pull "  were  to  commence. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR.  136 

The  Irishman,  as  Irishmen  always  are,  was  full  of  fun  ; 
and  with  a  tight  grip  between  his  teeth,  muttered  through 
his  nose : 

"  Are  ye  ready  ?  " 

"  Yah,"  said  the  Dutchman,  opening  wide  his  mouth  and 
teeth. 

"Thin  pull,"  said  Paddy,  as  he  drew  the  strap  from 
the  Dutchman's  mouth,  before  he  had  time  to  close  his  teeth 
down  again  and  secure  a  tight  hold. 


WHY  IT  WAS  A  ROOSTER. 

Two  Hibernians  were  passing  a  stable  that  had  a  rooster 
on  it  for  a  weather-vane,  when  one  addressed  the  other 
thus : 

"  Pat,  what's  the  reason  they  didn't  put  a  hin  up  there 
instead  of  a  rooster  ?  " 

"  An'  sure,"  replied  Pat,  "  that's  aisy  enough  ;  don't  you 
see,  it  would  be  inconvanient  to  go  for  the  eggs." 


THE  CURRENCY  QUESTION. 

"Fat's  all  this  talk  about  the  currency,  and  the  five- 
twenties,  and  the  sivin -thirties  that  I  hear  about,  Mike  ?" 

"  Why,  bliss  your  sowl,  don't  ye  know,  Pat  ?  It  manes 
that  the  Government  wants  to  make  the  laborin'  men  work 
from  five-twinty  in  the  mornin'  till  sivin -thirty  in  the 
evening." 

"  Och,  the  spalpeens,  may  the  divil  take  them." 

BIDDY  MALONE'S  CERTIFICATE. 

Biddy  Malone  was  in  a  great  fever  of  excitement  when 
she  landed  in  America,  direct  from  the  "  ould  sod."  Her 


136 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


oertificate  of  character  was  lost  on  shipboard,  and  what 
would  she  be  after  doin'.  To  her  great  happiness  and  con- 
solation, Tim  Mulligan,  her  Irish  friend,  volunteered  and 
wrote  her  a  beautiful  recommendation,  as  follows : 

"  This  is  to  certify  that  Biddy  Malone  had  a  good  char- 
acter before  she  left  the  'ould  counthry,'  but  lost  it  on 
shipboard  comin'  over." 


A  domestic,  newly  engaged,  presented  to  his  master, 
one  morning,  a  pair  of  boots,  the  leg  of  one  of  which  was 
much  longer  than  the  other. 

"How  comes  it  that  these  boots  are  not  of  the  same 
length?'' 

"  I  raly  don't  know,  sir  ;  but  what  bothers  me  the  most 
is  that  the  pair  down  stairs  are  in  the  same  fix." 


An  Irishman  went  to  the  theater  for  the  first  time. 
Just  as  the  curtain  descended  on  the  first  act,  a  boiler  in 
the  basement  exploded,  and  he  was  blown  through  the 
roof,  coming  down  in  the  next  street.  After  coming  to 
his  senses,  he  asked : 

"  An'  what  piece  do  yez  play  nixt  ?  " 


A  RELIGIOUS  COW. 

Near  Zanesville,  Ohio,  an  Irishman  lives  who  is  the 
proprietor  of  a  beauty  of  a  shanty  a  little  way  east  of  that 
thriving  place.  He  purchased  a  cow  a  few  weeks  ago,  and 
as  she  was  rather  wild,  he  had  to  halter  her  and  lead  her 
home.  As  soon  as  he  reached  the  lovely  cot  wherein  his 
wife  and  the  little  Pats  were  lodging,  they  came  out  to 
meet  him,  whereupon  Mrs.  Pat  thus  began : 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


137 


"Well,  Pat,  my  darling,  and  where  did  you  git  that 
baste  of  a  cow  ?  " 

"  Sure  an'  I  got  her  of  old  Mr.  Higgins  up  the  road." 

"  What,  did  you  buy  a  cow  of  that  old  Protestant  ?  " 

"  And  why  not,  Bridget,  dear  ?  Just  you  bring  out  that 
bottle  of  holy  water,  and  I'll  be  after  pouring  it  on  her, 
and  it  will  make  her  all  right  in  no  time." 

Bridget  did  as  she  was  bid,  and  bringing  the  bottle  to 
Pat,  he  took  it  and  poured  it  on  the  animal's  back,  making 
the  cross  with  all  due  devotion  as  he  poured.  But  the  old 
woman,  by  mistake,  had  brought  him  a  bottle  of  vitriol,  and 
Pat  was  astonished  to  find  that  the  cow  was  frantic  under 
the  operation,  kicking  worse,  by  far,  than  before  he  applied 
the  holy  water.  He  tried  it  again,  and  poured  on  more, 
when  the  cow  broke  loose  from  Pat,  and  kicked  him  over, 
as  she  dashed  away,  to  the  terror  of  poor  Bridget,  who 
cried  out : 

"  Holy  Virgin,  and  mither  of  Moses  !  isn^t  the  Protestant 
strong  in  her  yet  ?  " 

"  My  dear  Murphy,"  said  an  Irishman  to  a  friend,  "  why 
did  you  betray  the  secret  I  told  you  ?  " 

"  Is  it  betray  that  you  call  it  ?  Sure,  when  I  found  I 
wasn't  able  to  keep  it  myself,  didn't  I  do  well  to  tell  it  to 
some  one  that  could  keep  it  ?  " 


A  COLD  JOKE. 

An  Irishman,  being  annoyed  by  a  howling  dog  in  the 
night,  jumped  out  of  bed  to  dislodge  the  ofi'ender. 

It  was  in  the  month  of  January  when  the  snow  was 
three  feet  deep.  He  not  returning,  his  wife  ran  out  to  see 
what  was  the  matter.    There  she  found  her  husband  in  his 


138 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


night  suit,  his  teeth  chattering  and  his  whole  body  almost 
paralyzed  with  cold,  holding  the  struggling  dog  by  the  tail. 

"Holy  Mother!  Pat,"  says  she,  "what  would  ye  be 
afther  doin'?" 

"  Hush  !  "  said  he.  "  Don't  ye  see  ?  I'm  tryin'  to  fraze 
the  baste  !  "   

A  STRANGE  STORY. 

An  Irishman,  addicted  to  telling  strange  stories,  said  he 
saw  a  man  beheaded  with  his  hands  tied  behind  him,  who 
directly  picked  up  his  head  and  put  it  on  his  shoulders  in 
the  right  place. 

"  Ha  !  ha  !  ha  !  "  said  a  by-stander  ;  "how  could  he  pick 
up  his  head  when  his  hands  were  tied  behind  him  ?  " 

"  And,  sure,  what  a  purty  fool  ye  are  !  "  said  Pat ;  "  and 
couldn't  he  pick  it  up  wid  his  teeth  ?  To  ould  Nick  wid 
yer  botheration  !  " 

"  The  sun  is  all  very  well,"  said  an  Irishman,  "  but  the 
moon  is  worth  two  of  it ;  for  the  moon  affords  us  light  in 
night  -  time,  when  we  want  it^  whereas  the  sun's  with  us  in 
the  day-time,  when  we  have  no  occasion  for  it^ 

PAT  WENT  TO  THE  POST-OFFICE. 

Pat,  having  been  sent  by  his  master  to  the  post-office 
after  the  letters,  was  asked,  on  his  return : 
"  Well,  Pat,  what  was  there  for  me  ?  " 
"  Two  letters  and  a  paper,  sir." 

"  Well,  hand  them  to  me  ;  what  are  you  standing  there 
for?" 

"  Indade,  sir,  and  you  didn't  tell  me  to  bring  them,  at 
all,  at  all !  " 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


139 


"  What  did  you  go  to  the  office  for  ?  " 

"  You  told  me  to  go  to  the  office  and  see  what  was  in 
the  box,  and  haven't  I  done  it  sure  ?  " 

Pat  had  to  go  back  again  —  but  muttering  as  he  went, 
that  he  wished  his  honor  would  "  be  after  maning  what  he 
said  next  time." 


WANTED  TO  SEND  A  MESSAGE. 

A  venerable  Irish  lady  in  Taunton,  Mass.,  went  into  the 
telegraph  office,  the  other  evening,  and  stated  her  wish  to 
send  a  message  to  her  son  in  a  neighboring  city.  Where- 
upon the  obliging  operator  asked  her  if  he  should  write  it 
for  her,  to  which  she  hesitatingly  responded  : 

"  Av  ye  plaze,  Mister,  I'll  do  it  meself,  for  James  knows 
my  handwriting." 

"  What  are  you  writing  such  a  big  hand  for,  Pat  ?  " 
"  Why,  you  see  that  my  grandmother  is  dafe,  and  I  an 
writing  a  loud  letter  to  her." 


A  teetotaler  asked  Pat  the  other  day  if  ever  he  saw  a 
teetotaler  drunk  ? 

"  Och ! "  replied  Paddy,  with  earnestness,  "  I've  seen 
many  a  man  drunk,  but  I  couldn't  tell  whether  he  was  a 
teetotaler  or  not." 

PAT'S  REFLECTION. 

Patrick  saw  a  bull  pawing  in  a  field,  and  thought  how 
amusing  it  would  be  to  jump  over,  catch  him  by  the  horns, 
And  rub  his  nose  in  the  dirt.  The  idea  was  so  funny,  that 
he  laughed  to  think  of  it.  The  more  he  thought  of  it,  the 
funnier  it  seemed,  and  he  determined  to  do  it,  Bovus 


140 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


quickly  tossed  him  over  the  fence  once  more.  Somewhat 
bruised  by  this,  Patrick  leisurely  picked  himself  up,  with 
the  very  consolatory  reflection  : 

"  Well,  it  is  a  moighty  foine  thing  I  had  my  laugh 
foorst."   

CAUGHT  BY  A  TURTLE. 

An  Irishman,  fresh  from  the  old  country,  saw  a  turtle 
for  the  first  time,  and  at  once  made  up  his  mind  to  capture 
it.  The  turtle  caught  him  by  the  finger,  and  he,  holding 
it  out  at  arm's  length,  said :  "  Faith,  and  ye  had  better 
let  loose  the  howlt  ye  have,  or  I'll  kick  ye  out  of  the  very 
box  ye  sit  in,  be  jabers." 


TRAITS  OF  CHARACTER 

The  traits  of  character  peculiar  to  the  many  that  make 
up  our  people,  are  very  happily  hit  ofi"  in  the  following 
anecdote : 

It  was  agreed  to  make  a  proposition  to  the  representa- 
tives of  the  several  countries  as  they  were  met  in  the 
street,  to  ascertain  the  answer  that  each  would  make.  The 
first  met  was  Mr.  John  Bull,  who  was  asked : 

"What  will  you  take  to  stand  all  night  in  the  tower  of 
that  church  ?  " 

"  I  should  not  wish  to  do  it  short  of  a  guinea." 

The  Scotchman  came  along,  and  to  the  same  inquiry, 
answered : 

"  And  what  would  you  be  willing  to  give  ?  " 
A  Frenchman  was  met,  and,  bowing  very  politely,  said : 
"  I  would  be  most  happy  to  oblige  you,  but  I  beg  to  be 
excused  at  present,  as  I  am  engaged." 

Jonathan  promptly  replied  to  the  question  : 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


141 


«  What  will  you  take  to  do  it  ? 
"I'll  take  a  dollar." 

And  last  of  all  came  Patrick,  and  when  the  inquiry  was 
put  to  him,  he  replied  : 

"  An'  sure,  I  think  I  would  take  cowld." 


An  Irish  peasant  being  asked  why  he  permitted  his  pig 
to  take  up  his  quarters  with  his  family,  made  .  an  answer 
abounding  with  satirical  naivete  :  "  Why  not  ?  Doesn't  the 
place  afford  every  convenience  that  a  pig  can  require  ?  " 


THE  TWO  DREAMS. 

A  Scotchman  and  an  Irishman  happened  to  be  journey- 
ing together  through  a  most  interminable  forest,  and  by 
some  mishap  lost  their  way  and  wandered  about  in  a  piti- 
able condition  for  a  while,  when  they  fortunately  came 
across  a  miserable  hovel,  which  was  deserted  save  by  a 
lone  chicken.  As  this  poor  biped  was  the  only  thing  eat- 
able to  be  obtained,  they  eagerly  despatched  and  prepared 
it  for  supper. 

When  laid  before  them,  Pat  concluded  that  it  was  insuf- 
ficient for  the  support  of  both  himself  and  Sawney,  and 
therefore  a  proposition  was  made  to  his  companion  that 
they  should  spare  the  chicken  until  the  next  morning,  and 
the  one  who  had  the  most  pleasant  dream  should  have  the 
chicken,  which  was  agreed  to. 

In  the  morning  Sawney  told  his  dream.  He  thought 
angels  were  drawing  him  up  to  heaven  in  a  basket,  and  he 
was  never  before  so  happy.  Upon  concluding  his  dream, 
Pat  exclaimed : 

"  Och,  sure  and  be  jabers,  I  saw  ye  going,  and  thought 


142 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


ye  wouldn't  come  back,  so  I  got  up  and  ate  the  chicken 
myself." 

"  How  much  for  the  broad-faced  chicken  on  the  fence  ?  " 

inquired  an  Irishman  of  a  farmer, 

"  That's  not  a  chicken  —  it's  an  owl,"  replied  the  farmer, 
"  I  don't  care  how  ould  he  is ;  I  would  like  to  buy  him," 

said  the  Irishman. 

A  gentleman  going  up  Sixth  Avenue,  New  York,  met  a 
laborer  to  whom  he  said  :  "  Will  you  tell  me  if  I  am  half 
way  to  Central  Park  ?  " 

"  Faith,  an'  I  will,"  was  the  reply,  "  if  you  tell  me 
where  you  started  from." 


Our  traveling  friend  pursued  his  walk  and  his  inquiries, 
and  seeing  a  very  large  funeral  procession,  he  asked  another 
native  whose  funeral  that  was. 

"  Be  gorrah,  sir,"  said  Pat  with  a  most  innocent  look, 
"it's  myself  that  can  not  say  for  sartain,  but  I'm  after 
thinkin',  it's  the  man^s  in  the  coffin.'^'* 


"  Mike  !   Mike  !  stop  scratchin'  yer  head,  bye.*' 
I  won't,  marm  ;  they  began  on  me  first." 

"Please,  sir,  what's  the  fare  from  Dublin  to  Glasgow?" 
inquired  a  son  of  the  Emerald  Isle  one  day,  of  the  clerk  at 
a  shipping  office. 

"  Eighteen  shillings,"  replied  the  latter. 

"  An'  what  d'ye  charge  for  a  pig  or  cow  ?  " 

"Oh,  eighteenpence  for  a* pig,  and  three  shillings  for  a 
cow." 

"  Well,"  directed  Pat,  "  book  me  as  a  pig.'' 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


143 


TWENTY  MILES  TO  NEW  YORK. 

Two  Irishmen  were  once  walking  toward  New  York, 
when  they  met  a  man  and  asked  him  how  much  farther 
they  had  got  to  travel,  and  were  told  that  it  was  yet  twenty 
miles  to  the  great  city. 

"  Faith,  we'll  not  reach  it  the  night,"  said  one  of  them, 
evidently  much  dejected. 

"  Och,  Pat,  come  on.  Twinty  moils  !  Shure  that's  not 
much  ;  only  tin  moils  apiece.    Come  on." 

An  Irish  post-boy,  having  driven  a  gentleman  a  long 
stage  during  torrents  of  rain,  was  asked  if  he  was  not  very 
wet  ? 

"  Arrah !  I  wouldn't  care  about  being  so  mry  wet^  if  I 
wasn't  so  very  dry^  your  honor." 

A  young  man,  searching  for  his  father's  pig,  accosted  an 
Irishman,  as  follows :  "  Have  you  seen  a  stray  pig  about 
here  ?  " 

To  which  Pat  responded :  "  Faith,  how  could  I  tell  a 
stray  pig  from  any  other  ?'^ 

An  Irishman,  who  lived  in  an  attic,  being  asked  what 
part  of  the  house  he  occupied,  answered :  "  If  the  house 
was  turned  topsy  turvy^  I'd  be  livin'  on  the  first  flure." 

HOW  PADDY  CONVERTED  THE  JEW. 
Not  long  ago,  in  one  of  the  obscure  streets  of  a  city  not 
far  from  our  own,  a  son  of  the  Emerald  Isle  by  birth,  and  a 
son  of  the  sea  by  trade,  was  on  his  bed  to  die.  The  priest 
had  been  sent  for,  and  was  ready  to  administer  the  last  rites 
of  the  church  to  the  dying  seaman,  so  soon  as  he  should 
10 


144 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


confess  his  sins.  But  Patrick  had  none  of  that  kind  of 
thing  to  boast  of ;  indeed,  he  said  that,  to  the  best  of  his 
recollection,  he  had  no  sins  to  confess  at  all.  He  had  been 
a  sailor,  he  said,  and  he  had  done  his  duty  —  swearing  a 
little,  and  drinking  his  grog  as  well  as  the  next  man  ;  but 
he  had  always  come  to  time  in  a  fight,  and  was  never  licked 
in  his  life,  so  that,  for  his  part,  he  did  not  believe  he  had 
anything  on  his  mind  to  be  sorry  for  ;  and  so,  "  plase  your 
riverence,  let  me  off  asy,  and  if  you  can't  let  me  off  asy,  let 
me  off  as  asy  as  you  can." 

"  Bethink  thee  again,  my  son,"  said  the  priest.  "  Has 
no  man  ever  lost  his  life,  or  perhaps  his  soul  from  thy 
hands  ?  Be  honest  now,  for  death  is  at  the  door." 

"  Your  riverence  is  right,"  groaned  the  poor  fellow  ;  "  I 
did  once  convert  a  Jew,  but  I  had  forgotten  it." 

"  Convert  a  Jew  !  and  sure,  Pat,  there  was  no  sin  in 
that.    But  how  did  you  manage  the  matter,  pray  ?" 

"  Well,  your  riverence  must  let  me  tell  the  story  in  my 
own  way.  I  was  setting  him  ashore  in  the  ship's  boat  — 
me  and  Pete  Mullins  were  —  and  we  got  to  disputationing 
like  about  our  religion,  for  he  thought  we  were  no  better 
than  pagans,  and  I  knew  he  was  worse,  for  I  had  seen  the 
hathun  niggers  and  Indians  at  home,  and  they  ain't  half  as 
bad  as  Jews,  and  I  told  him  so.  He  got  very  wrothy  like, 
and  when  he  laped  up  to  give  me  a  clip,  the  boat  went  over 
onto  one  side,  and  over  he  went  into  the  sea.  As  he  came 
up  I  caught  him  by  the  hair  of  his  head,  and  it  came  to  me 
all  at  once  that  it  would  be  a  good  time  to  convert  him  ; 
and  so,  says  I,  as  I  drew  his  head  out  of  the  water : 

"  Honey  dear'  —  for  I  thought  I  would  spake  kindly  to 
him  — '  honey,  dear,  do  you  believe  in  the  Holy  Catholic 
Church?' 


"  Are  you  obliged  to  attend  public  worship  ? " 
"  N-o-o ;  not  exactly  obliged^  ye  kno',  sir ;  but  we  should  lose 
our  grog  if  we  didn't  I 


4 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


147 


" '  Not  a  bit  of  it ! '  said  he,  as  he  cleared  his  mouth  of 
the  sea  -  water,  and  so  I  settled  him  down  into  it  again. 
Once  more  I  brought  his  chin  to  the  top  of  the  brine,  and 
asked  him  tinderly  : 

" '  Do  you  believe  in  the  Holy  Catholic  Church  now  ? ' 

" '  I  don't  think  I  do,'  he  said,  but  not  as  decidedly  as 
before,  and  I  ducked  him  again  ;  and  now  for  the  third 
time  I  raised  him,  and  said : 

"'Do  you  believe  in  the  Holy  Catholic  Church  nowV 

"  His  voice  was  almost  gone,  but  I  heard  him  distinctly 
but  feebly  answer,  'Yes,  I  do;'  and  so,  as  these  fellows, 
and  especially  the  Jews,  give  up  their  religion  so  asy  after 
they  get  it,  I  thought  I  would  make  him  sure  for  the  king- 
dom of  heaven,  and  so  I  let  him  go.  He  never  came  up, 
and  I  hope  to  meet  him  in  Paradise.  That,  your  riverence, 
is  the  way  I  converted  the  Jew,  and  sometimes  I  feel  as  if 
I  ought  to  have  taken  him  into  the  boat,  and  let  him  take 
his  chances  on  getting  into  the  kingdom." 

The  holy  father  admonished  Pat  that  he  did  very  wrong 
to  let  the  Jew  go  to  the  bottom,  and  the  poor  fellow  said 
he  was  very  much  of  the  priest's  opinion.  So  he  repented 
him  sorely  of  his  converting  the  Jew,  received  absolution 
according  to  the  rites  of  the  Church,  and  in  a  few  minutes 
breathed  his  last. 


An  old  negro  minister,  in  a  sermon  on  Hell,  pictured  it 
as  a  region  of  ice  and  snow,  where  the  damned  froze 
through  eternity. 

When  privately  asked  his  purpose  in  representing  Ge- 
henna in  this  way,  he  said : 

"  I  don't  dare  to  tell  them  people  nothing  else.  Why, 
■  f  I  was  to  say  that  Hell  was  warm,  some  of  them  old  rheu- 


148 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


matic  niggers  would  be  wanting  to  start  down  the  first 
frost." 

"  If  the  wind  blows  this  way  for  another  hour,"  said  the 
captain  on  board  of  a  ship  in  danger  of  being  wrecked,  to 
a  passenger,  who  was  a  clergyman,  "we  shall  all  be  in 
Heaven." 

"God  forbid  !  "  was  the  prayerful  answer  of  the  divine. 


A  NEW  VERSION  OF  THE  PARABLE  OF  THE  VIRGINS. 

The  preacher  was  a  mulatto,  about  forty  years  old.  He 
read  the  25th  chapter  of  Matthew — parable  of  the  virgins 
—  until,  as  he  got  near  the  end  of  the  parable  and  the  foot 
of  the  page  and  went  up  to  the  next  page,  he  found  some- 
thing was  wrong.  The  pages  did  not  hitch.  He  studied 
for  a  minute,  and  said : 

"  Brudderin,  de  ress  of  de  parable  am  not  hyar.  But 
I'll  tell  you  all  de  ress.  Dem  foolish  virgins  got  de  do' 
shet  in  dere  face,  and  it  sarved  dem  right." 

Then  he  took  for  his  text,  "  Dese  shall  go  into  eberlast- 
in'  punishment,  but  the  righteous  into  life  eternal." 

Here  are  some  of  his  inspirations : 

"  Why  are  so  many  of  dese  hyar  seats  vacant  ? 

"  Where  is  de  brudders  and  sisters  who  ought  to  be 
settin'  hyar  ? 

"  Oh,  some  of  dem  is  down  on  Bay  Street  sparkin',  and 
some  of  dem  is  in  card  houses,  and  some  is  in  drunken 
houses,  and  some  is  sittin'  at  home  bekase  deyse  too  tired ! 

"  Oh-er  !  brudderin,  when  you  true  believers  gets  up  to 
de  white  frone  den  people  will  come  to  you  and  say : 

" '  Gib  us  of  your  oil,  for  our  lamps  done  gone  out,'  and 
you  will  say-er,  '  You  can't  come  dat  game  on  us.'  No-er, 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


149 


tor  de  tex  says,  '  Dese  shall  go  into  eberlastin'  punishment, 
but  the  righteous  inter  life  eternal.' 

"Dere's  a  great  many  people  talks  'ligion  bery  loud 
down  in  Bay  Street  in  de  day  time,  but  where  is  dey  to- 
night ? 

"  Why-er,  deyse  foolin'  round  expectin'  when  de  bride- 
groom comes-er  to  borry  oil  from  dem  dat's  got  mo'. 

"  But  what  does  the  Scripter  say-er  ? 

"  Why,  it  says, '  Let  dem  go  radder  to  him  dat  sells  it  at 
de  sto','  and  while  dey  is  gone  de  do'  is  slammed  shet,  for 
de  tex  says,  '  Dese  shall  go  into  eberlastin'  punishment, 
but  de  righteous  into  life  eternal.' 

"  Now  brudderin  and  friends,  what  would  you  think  of 
any  of  you  ladies  and  gentlemen  who  would  go  splurging 
down  Bay  Street  with  a  hat,  a  watch,  a  coat,  or  dress  or 
bonnet  on  what  didn't  belong  to  you  ?  Stickin'  up  your 
nose  becase  you's  so  berry  fine,  and  everybody  sayin'  as 
you  go  long  dem  wan't  your  own  close,  wouldn't  you  feel 
cheap  ? 

"  But  dey's  going  to  be  fooled,  for  de  tex  says-er  dese 
shall  go  into  eberlastin'  punishment,  but  de  righteous  into 
life  eternal  ! 

"Oh,  yes-er,  my  beloved  brudderin  and  sisters,  you 
can't  go  a  sailin'  into  hebben  on  borrowed  close,  as  you 
sails  down  Bay  Street,  for  it  is  written,  '  Ebery  tub  mus' 
stand  on  its  own  bottom,  and  ebery  knee  shall  bow,  and 
ebery  tongue  shall  confess  dat  fire  and  brimstone  shall 
be  dere  po'tion  for  eber  and  eber,'  and  de  tex  says,  *  Dese 
shall  go  into  eberlastin'  punishment,  but  de  righteous  into 
life  eternal.'  " 

The  Rev.  John  Brown,  of  Haddington,  was  in  the  habit 
of  proposing,  on  festive  occasions,  a  certain  young  lady  as 


150 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


his  toast.  Having  abandoned  the  practice,  he  was  asked 
for  a  reason. 

"  Because,"  said  he,  '*  I  have  toasted  her  for  sixteen 
years  without  being  able  to  make  her  brown,  and  so  I've 
resolved  to  toast  her  no  longer." 

A  STREAK  AHEAD  OF  NOAH. 

A  dispute  once  arose  between  two  Scotchmen,  named 
ampbell  and  McLean,  upon  the  antiquity  of  their  families. 
The  latter  would  not  allow  that  the  Campbells  had  any 
right  to  rank  with  the   McLeans  in  antiquity,  who,  he 
Insisted,  were  in  existence  as  a  clan  since  the  beginning 
of  the  world. 

Campbell  had  a  little  more  Biblical  knowledge  than  his 
antagonist,  and  asked  him  if  the  clan  of  the  McLeans  was 
before  the  flood. 

Flood  !  what  flood  ?  "  asked  McLean. 

"  The  flood,  you  know,  that  drowned  all  the  world  but 
Noah  and  his  family,  and  his  flock,"  said  Campbell. 

"  Pooh  !  you  and  your  flood,"  said  McLean  ;  "  my  clan 
./as  afore  the  flood." 

"I  have  not  read  in  my  Bible,"  said  Campbell,  "of  the 
-;.\me  of  McLean  going  into  Noah's  ark." 

"  Noah's  ark  !  "  retorted  McLean,  in  contempt :  "  Who 
c^>ver  heard  of  a  McLean  that  hadn't  a  boat  of  his  ain  ?  " 


ASKING  A  BLESSING. 

A  Western  cattle  dealer,  who  rarely  had  the  privilege 
of  sitting  down  to  meat  with  a  family,  and  had  never  been 
in  a  minister's  house  in  his  life,  was  not  long  ago  benighted 
and  lost  in  his  ride  across  the  prairies,  and  compelled  to 
ask  for  lodgings  at  the  first  house  he  could  find.  Happily 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


151 


for  him  it  proved  to  be  the  dwelling  of  a  good  man,  a 
parson,  who  gave  him  a  cordial  welcome,  and  what  was 
specially  agreeable,  told  him  supper  would  soon  be  ready. 
The  traveler's  appetite  was  ravenous,  and  the  moment  he 
was  asked  to  sit  down  he  complied ;  and  without  waiting 
for  a  second  invitation,  he  laid  hold  of  what  he  could  reach. 

"  Stop,  stop  ! "  said  the  good  man  of  the  house,  "  we  are 
in  the  habit  of  saying  something  here  before  we  eat." 

This  hint  to  wait  till  a  blessing  was  asked,  the  rough 
customer  did  not  understand,  but  with  his  mouth  full,  he 
muttered : 

"  Go  ahead,  say  what  you  like ;  you  can't  turn  my 
stomach  now !  " 

HEALTHIER  AT  HOME. 

A  Jerseyman  was  very  sick  and  not  expected  to  recover. 
His  friends  got  around  the  bed,  and  one  of  them  says : 

"John,  do  you  feel  willing  to  die  ?" 

John  made  an  effort  to  give  his  views  on  the  subject, 
and  answered  with  a  feeble  voice  : 

"  1  think  I'd  rather  stay  where  I  am  better  acquainted." 


UNCLE  PETE  WOULDN'T  SUBSCRIBE. 

"  Uncle  Pete  "  was  asked  to  subscribe  fifty  cents  to  his 
parson's  salary  the  other  day. 

"  Can't  do  it,  I  tell  ye.  Kase  dere's  mighty  hard  times 
*proachin '  on  hyar  !  " 

"  Oh,  no,  Pete,  de  craps  is  good,  and  we  hab  plenty  of 
money  dis  Winter." 

"  You'se  a  fool !  How  kin  dat  be  when  I  heer  Mr 
Jeemes  up  der  at  de  bank  say  dat  de  Chloraforney  Bank 
done  busted,  jis  like  dat  Freedman  Bank  did?  Can't 


152 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


'scribe  nuthin,  honey ;  but  I'll  lend  de  preacher  my  wood- 
saw  and  buck  ef  he  wants  to  yearn  somefin." 
This  proposition  was  not  accepted. 


"It  isn't  loud  praying  which  counts  with  the  Lord  so 
much  as  giving  four  full  quarts  for  every  gallon,"  says  an 
Arkansas  circuit  rider. 

DAVY  CROCKETT'S  LITTLE  TALE. 

Somewhere  in  the  then  far  West,  two  Pennsylvania 
Germans  had  built  grist-mills  on  one  of  the  many  streams 
of  the  country,  and  by  thrift  and  industry  had  established 
a  good  trade.  They  were  joined  not  long  after  their 
coming  by  a  friend  from  Berks  County,  and  together  the 
three  exiles  passed  the  time  pleasantly,  growing  gray  to- 
gether under  the  combined  influence  of  age  and  flour-dust. 

The  last  arrival  of  the  three,  although  an  honest,  hard- 
working German,  was  at  times  possessed  of  a  strange,  but 
harmless,  hallucination.  At  certain  seasons  he  imagined 
himself  to  be  the  Almighty,  and  on  such  occasions  he  would 
send  for  his  two  friends  to  come  and  be  judged. 

Taking  a  seat  in  a  high  chair  in  the  mill,  he  would  call 
up  one  of  the  pair  for  judgment. 

"  Well,  Hans  Fuldeveiller,  vots  you  been  doing  in  dis 
lower  world  ?  " 

To  which  Hans  would  immediately  reply : 

"  Lord,  I  does  not  know." 

"  Ish  you  a  miller,  Hans  Fuldeveiller  ?  " 

"  Yaw,  Lord  !  " 

"  Did  you  ever  dake  too  much  toll,  Hans  ?" 
Ven  der  water  vos  low,  and  mine  shtones  vos  dull,  I 
did  somedimes  took  too  much  toll." 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


153 


"Den,  Hans  Fuldeveiller,  you  go  on  der  left  mid  der 
goats." 

The  other  miller  was  then  called  up,  questioned  like  his 
predecessor,  returned  the  same  answers,  and  was  sentenced 
to  the  same  punishment ;  after  which  the  judge  tried  him- 
self, as  follows : 

"  Yake  Snyder,  stood  up  !  " 

"Here  I  ish,  Lord!" 

"  Ish  you  a  miller,  Yake  Snyder  ?  " 

"  Yaw,  Lord." 

"  Did  you  never  took  too  much  toll,  Yacob  ?  " 

"Yaw,  good  Lord,  ven  der  water  vos  low  and  mine 
shtones  vos  dull,  I  did  somedimes  took  too  much  toll. " 

At  this  point  there  was  a  slight  change  in  the  order  of 
the  proceedings.  In  the  other  cases  the  culprits  had  been 
sentenced  immediately  upon  the  acknowledgment  of  their 
guilt ;  but  now  the  Creator,  as  personified  by  the  eccentric 
miller,  paused,  and  for  a  while  was  lost  in  deep  thought. 
At  length  he  said : 

"  Yake  Snyder,  vot  did  you  do  with  dot  extra  toll  ?  " 

"  Lord,  I  gives  it  to  der  poor." 

Another  pause,  and  then  the  judge  says : 

"  Well,  if  dot  is  der  case,  Yacob,  you  may  go  on  der 
right  mit  der  sheep,  but  it  is  a  mighty  tight  squeeze ! " 


DAKLIN'  MIKE. 

The  following  is  as  true  as  it  is  absurd : 

An  Irish  woman  in  this  vicinity  had  a  husband  lying  at 
the  point  of  death  ;  again  and  again  she  declared  that  she 
would  rather  die  than  lose  "  darlin'  Mike."  A  set  of  grace- 
less scamps  determined  to  try  her  conjugal  affection,  Hav- 


154 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


ing  seized  a  large  turkey,  they  stripped  him  entirely  of  his 
leathers/  Biddy  was  aloue,  groaning  and  calling  on  death 
to  come  and  take  her  and  not  Mike.  Silently  the  shanty 
door  opened  and  the  hideous  turkey  entered,  and,  led  by 
her  shrieks,  stalked  to  her. 

"  Oh  !  och  hone  !  Howly  Mary  defind  us  !  take  Mike 
first,  that's  a  good  cretur !  Howly  Mary !  how  can  I  die 
before  my  time  ?   Take  Mike  first !  " 


Dr.  Newman  spoke,  in  a  recent  sermon,  of  "the  sad 
funeral  procession"  which  followed  Abel  to  the  grave.  An 
irreverent  woman  in  the  audience  nudged  her  companion 
and  whispered :  "  Not  such  a  large  procession,  but  very 
select.    None  but  the  first  families." 


Mr.  Moore,  who  derived  his  pedigree  from  Noah, 
explained  it  in  this  manner :  "  Noah  had  three  sons, 
Shem,  Ham,  and  one  mor^." 


A  NARROW  ESCAPE. 

During  a  class  -  meeting  held  by  the  Methodist  brethren 
of  a  Southern  village,  Brother  Jones  went  among  the  col- 
ored portion  of  the  congregation.  Finding  there  a  man 
notorious  for  his  endeavor  to  serve  God  on  the  Sabbath  and 
Satan  the  rest  of  the  week,  he  said : 

"Well,  Brother  Dick,  I  am  glad  to  see  you  here. 
Haven't  stole  any  turkeys  since  I  saw  you  last,  Brother 
Dick?" 

"  No,  no,  Brudder  Jones,  no  turkeys." 
"Nor  any  chickens,  Brother  Dick  ?" 
"  No,  no,  Brudder  Jones  ;  no  chickens." 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


155 


"  Thank  the  Lord,  Brother  Dick !  That's  doing  well,  my 
brother  !  "  said  Brother  Jones,  leaving  Brother  l5ick,  who 
immediately  relieved  his  overburdened  conscience  by  say- 
ing to  a  near  neighbor,  with  an  immense  sigh  of  relief : 

"  If  he'd  said  ducks,  he'd  had  me  !  " 


An  ignorant  old  lady  was  asked  by  a  minister  visiting 
her,  if  she  had  religion?  She  replied:  "I  have  slight 
touches  of  it  occasionally." 


ONCE  COLORED  ALWAYS  COLORED. 

A  negro  woman  was  relating  her  experience  to  a  gaping 
congregation  of  color,  and  among  other  things  said  she 
had  been  in  Heaven.  One  of  the  ladies  of  color  asked 
her : 

"  Sister,  did  you  see  any  black  folks  in  Heaven  ?" 
"  Oh,  get  out !  you  'spose  I  go  in  the  kitchen  when  I 
was  dar  ?  " 

This  reminds  us  of  the  anecdote  of  a  colored  man  who 
was  so  convinced  of  the  lowliness  of  his  position,  and  that 
labor  was  his  natural  lot,  that  he  was  even  indifferent  as 
to  a  future  state,  believing  that  "  dey'U  make  nigger  work 
eben  if  he  go  to  Hebbin." 

A  clergyman  tried  to  argue  him  out  of  this  opinion  by 
representing  that  this  could  not  be  the  case,  inasmuch  as 
there  was  absolutely  no  work  for  him  to  do  in  Heaven. 
His  answer  was : 

"Oh,  you  g'way,  Massa.  I  know  better.  If  dere's  no 
work  for  culled  folks  up  dar,  dey'U  make  some  fur  'em, 
and  if  dere's  nuffin  better  to  do,  dey'U  make  'em  shub  de 
clouds  along.    You  can't  fool  dis  chile,  Massa." 


156 


WIT    AND  HUMOR. 


^      VERY  EASILY  FRIGHTENED. 

A  foolish  Irish  fellow  went  to  the  parish  priest,  and  told 
him,  with  a  very  long  face,  that  he  had  seen  a  ghost. 

"  When  and  where  ?  "  said  the  pastor. 

"  Last  night,"  replied  the  timid  man,  "  I  was  passing  by 
the  church,  and  up  against  the  wall  of  it  did  I  behold  the 
spectre." 

"  In  what  shape  did  it  appear  ?  "  inquired  the  priest. 

"  It  appeared  in  the  shape  of  a  great  ass." 

"  Go  home  and  hold  your  tongue  about  it,"  rejoined  the 
priest;  "you  are  a  very  timid  man,  and  have  been  fright- 
ened by  your  own  shadow." 


THE  LAST  OF  THE  SARPINTS. 

"  The  serpent,  is  it  ? "  said  Picket  in  reply.  "  Sure, 
everybody  has  heard  tell  of  the  blessed  St.  Patrick,  and 
how  he  drum  the  sarpints^  and  all  manner  of  venomous 
things,  out  of  Ireland  —  how  he  bothered  all  the  varmint 
entirely ;  but  for  all  that,  there  was  one  ould  sarpint  left, 
who  was  too  cunning  to  be  talked  out  of  the  country  and 
made  to  drown  himself.  St.  Patrick  didn't  well  know  how 
to  manage  this  fellow,  who  was  doing  great  havoc  :  till  at 
last  he  bethought  himself,  and  got  a  strong  iron  chest 
made,  with  nine  boults  upon  it. 

"So  one  fine  morning  he  takes  a  walk  to  where  the 
sarpint  used  to  keep ;  and  the  sarpint,  who  didn't  like  tlte 
Saint  in  the  least  —  and  small  blame  to  him  for  that  -r- 
began  to  hiss  and  show  his  teeth  at  him  like  any  thing. 
'Oh,'  says  St.  Patrick,  says  he,  'where's  the  use  of  making 
such  a  piece  of  work  about  a  gentleman,  like  myself, 
coming  to  see  you? — 'tis  a  nice  house  I  have  got  made 


WIT  AND  HUMOR.  157 

for  you  agin  the  winter ;  for  I  am  going  to  civilize  the 
whole  country,  man  and  beast,'  says  he,  'and  you  can  come 
and  look  at  it  whenever  you  please,  and  'tis  myself  will  be 
glad  to  see  you.' 

"  The  sarpint,  hearing  such  smooth  words,  thought  that 
though  St.  Patrick  had  druve  all  the  rest  of  the  sarpints 
into  the  sea,  he  meant  no  harm  to  himself ;  so  the  sarpint 
walks  fair  and  easy  up  to  see  him  and  the  house  he  was 
speaking  about.  But  when  the  sarpint  saw  the  nine  great 
boults  upon  the  chest,  he  thought  he  was  sould^  and  was 
for  making  off  with  himself  as  fast  as  he  could. 

""Tis  a  nice  warm  house  you  see,'  says  St.  Patrick, 
*and  'tis  a  good  friend  I  am  to  you.' 

"'I  thank  you,  kindly,  St.  Patrick,  for  your  civility,' 
says  the  sarpint,  '  but  I  think  it's  too  small  it  is  for  me  ; ' 
meaning  it  for  an  excuse,  and  away  he  was  going. 

" '  Too  small ! '  says  St.  Patrick  ;  '  stop,  if  you  please,' 
says  he  ;  'you're  out  in  that,  my  boy,  anyhow  —  I  am  sure 
'twill  fit  you  completely ;  and,  PU  tell  you  what,'  says  he, 
'PU  bet  you  a  gallon  of  porter,'  says  he,  'that  if  you'll  only 
try  and  get  in,  there'll  be  plenty  of  room  for  you.' 

"The  sarpint  was  as  thirsty  as  he  could  be  with  his 
walk,  and  'twas  great  joy  to  him  the  thoughts  of  doing  St. 
Patrick  out  of  the  gallon  of  porter ;  so,  swelling  himself 
up  as  big  as  he  could,  he  got  into  the  chest,  all  but  a  little 
bit  of  his  tail.  '  There,  now,'  says  he, '  I've  won  the  gallon, 
for  you  see  the  house  is  too  small  for  me,  for  I  can't  get 
in  my  tail.'  When,  what  does  St.  Patrick  do  but  he  comes 
behind  the  great  heavy  lid  of  the  chest,  and,  putting  his 
two  hands  to  it,  down  he  flaps  it  with  a  bang  like  thunder. 
When  the  rogue  of  a  sarpint  saw  the  lid  coming  down,  in 
went  his  tail  like  a  shot,  for  fear  of  being  whipped  off  him, 


158  WIT  AND  HUMOR. 

and  St.  Patrick  began  at  once  to  boult  the  nine  iron 
boults. 

*  Oh  !  murder  !  Won't  you  let  me  out,  St.  Patrick  ? ' 
says  the  sarpint  —  '  I've  lost  the  bet  fairly,  and  I'll  pay  you 
the  gallon  like  a  man.' 

" '  Let  you  out,  my  darling  ? '  says  St.  Patrick,  '  to  be 
sure  I  will,  by  all  manner  of  means,  but  you  see,  I  haven't 
time  now,  so  you  must  wait  till  to-morrow.' 

"  And  so  he  took  the  iron  chest,  with  the  sarpint  in  it, 
and  pitches  it  into  the  lake  here,  where  it  is  to  this  hour, 
for  certain  ;  and  'tis  the  sarpint  struggling  down  at  the 
bottom  that  makes  the  waves  upon  it.  Many  is  the  living 
man,"  continued  Picket,  "besides  myself,  has  heard  the  sar- 
pint crying  out  from  within  the  chest  under  the  water : 
'Is  it  to-morrow  yet? — is  it  to-morrow  yet?'  which,  to 
be  sure,  it  never  can  be.  And  that's  the  way  St.  Patrick 
settled  the  last  of  the  sarpints,  sir." 

Two  colored  men  took  refuge  under  a  tree  in  a  violent 
thunder  shower : 

"  Julius,  can  you  pray  ?  "  said  one. 

"  No,  Sam,"  was  the  reply.  ''  Nebber  prayed  in  my 
life." 

"  Well,  can't  you  sing  a  hymn  ?  " 

"  No,  Sam  ;    don't  know  no  hymn." 

"Well,  see  heah,  honey,  sumfin'  'ligious  's  got  to  be 
done  heah  mighty  sudden.  S'pose  you  pass  round  the  con- 
tribution box  ?  " 

A  PRACTICAL  JOKER. 

The  Rev.  Hosea  Brown,  an  eccentric  Methodist  minister, 
stopped  one  night  at  one  of  the  hotels  in  Ann  Arbor,  and 
inquired  if  he  could  have  a  room  and  bed  to  himself.  Th« 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


159 


clerk  told  him  he  could,  unless  they  should  be  so  full 
as  to  render  it  necessary  to  put  another  in  with  him. 

At  an  early  hour  the  reverend  gent  went  to  his  room, 
locked  the  door,  and  soon  retired  to  his  bed,  and  sank  into 
a  comfortable  sleep. 

Along  toward  midnight  he  was  roused  from  his  slum- 
bers by  a  loud  knocking  at  his  door. 

"  Halloo  !  you  there,"  he  exclaimed,  "  who  do  you  want 
now  f  "  —  particular  stress  on  the  last  word. 

"  You  must  take  another  lodger,  sir,  with  you,"  said  the 
voice  of  the  landlord. 

"What!  another  yet?" 

"  Why,  yes  —  there  is  only  one  in  here,  isn't  there  ?" 

"  One !  why  here  is  Mr.  Brown,  and  a  Methodist 
preacher,  and  myself,  already,  and  I  should  think  that 
enough  for  one  bed,  even  in  Michigan." 

The  landlord  seemed  to  think  so  too,  and  left  the  trio 
to  their  repose. 


"  Sal,"  cried  a  girl,  looking  out  at  the  upper  story  of  a 
small  grocery,  addressing  another  girl  who  was  trying  to 
enter  at  the  front  door,  "  we've  all  been  to  camp  meeting 
and  been  converted  ;  so  when  you  want  milk  on  Sunday, 
you'll  have  to  come  round  to  the  back  door." 


WHO  ARE  THE  WOLVES  ? 

An  old  and  weather-worn  trapper  was  recently  seen 
sauntering  along  the  main  street  of  one  of  our  Western 
villages.  Pausing  in  front  of  a  little  meeting  house  for  a 
moment,  he  went  in  and  took  his  seat  among  the  congre- 
gation The  preacher  was  discoursing  on  the  text  of  "  the 
11 


160 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


sheep  and  the  wolves,"  and  had  evidently  been  drawing  a 

contrast  between  the  two  subjects.    Says  he  : 

"  We  who  have  assembled  here  from  week  to  week  and 

do  our  duty,  and  perform  our  part,  are  the  sheep  ;  now 

who  are  the  wolves  ?  " 

A  pause,  and  our  friend  the  trapper  rose  to  his  feet : 
"  Wa'al,  stranger,  rather  than  see  the  play  stopped,  I 

will  be  the  wolves."    The  preacher  was  vanquished. 


The  Rev.  Mr.  A         was  more  prominent  in  his  day 

for  the  brilliancy  of  his  imagination  than  the  force  of  his 
logic.  At  one  time  he  was  preaching  on  "  The  Ministry  of 
Angels,"  and  in  the  peroration  he  suddenly  observed  :  "  I 
hear  a  whisper  ?  "  The  change  of  tone  startled  the  deacon, 
who  sat  below,  from  a  drowsy  mood,  and,  springing  to  his 
feet,  he  spoke  :  "  I  guess  it  is  the  boys  in  the  gallery. 


BRUDDER  DICKSON. 

Mr.  Dickson,  a  colored  barber  in  a  large  New  England 
town,  was  shaving  one  of  his  customers,  a  respectable  citi- 
zen, one  morning,  when  a  conversation  occurred  between 
them  respecting  Mr.  Dickson's  former  connection  with  a 
colored  church  in  that  place  : 

"  I  believe  you  are  connected  with  the  ch'  irch  in  Elm 
Street,  are  you  not,  Mr.  Dickson  ?  "  said  the  .ustomer. 

"  No  sah,  not  at  all." 

"  What !  are  you  not  a  member  of  the  African  church  ?" 
"  Not  dis  yeah,  sah." 

"  Why  did  you  leave  their  communion,  Mr.  Dickson,  if 
I  may  be  permitted  to  ask  ?  " 

"  Well,  I'll  tell  you,  sah,"  said  Mr.  Dickson,  stropping  a 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


161 


concave  razor  on  the  palm  of  his  hand,  "it  was  just  like 
(lis.  I  jined  the  church  in  good  fait.  I  gave  ten  dollars 
toward  the  stated  gospil  de  fuss  year,  and  de  church  people 
call  me  '  £rudder  Dickson  '^'^  de  second  year  my  business 
"Vas  not  so  good,  and  I  gib  only  ^five  dollars.  That  year 
the  people  call  me  il/r.  Dickson.  Dis  razor  hurt  you, 
sah  ?  " 

"No,  the  razor  goes  tolerably  well." 

"Well,  sah,  de  third  year  I  feel  berry  poor  ;  had  sick- 
ness in  my  family ;  I  didn't  gib  noffin*  for  preachin'. 
Well,  sah,  arter  dat  dey  call  me  '  dat  old  nigger  Dickson ' 
—  and  I  left  'em."   

It  rather  hit  the  nail  on  the  head  when  a  lady,  on  being 
asked  the  meaning  of  the  words  :  "  The  pestilence  that 
walketh  in  the  darkness,"  replied,  "  that,  in  her  opinion,  it 
was  bed  bugs." 

A  NICE,  AISY  JOB. 

Two  sons  of  Erin,  shoveling  sand  on  a  hot  day,  stopped 
to  rest,  and  exchanged  views  on  the  labor  question. 

"  Pat,  this  is  mighty  hard  work  we're  at." 

"  It  is,  indeed,  Jimmy  ;  but  what  kind  of  work  is  it 
you'd  like  if  ye  could  get  it  ?  " 

"  Well,"  said  the  other,  leaning  reflectively  upon  his 
shovel,  and  wiping  the  perspiration  ofl"  with  the  back  of  his 
hand,  "  for  a  nice,  aisy,  clane  business  I  think  I  would  like 
to  be  a  bishop." 

TOO  GREEN  TO  LIVE. 

A  greenhorn  from  the  country  got  lost  the  other  day 
from  his  sweetheart,  and  was  rushing  hurriedly  down  the 
crowded  streets  to  find  her.     After  running  about  two 


162 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


squares  he  saw  quite  a  number  of  people  going  into  a  large 
building,  which  happened  to  be  a  church,  and  he  concluded 
to  rush  in  and  see  if  she  was  there.  Before  he  discovered 
where  he  was,  he  landed  in  the  middle  aisle,  half  way  down 
the  church.  The  minister,  seeing  the  excited  lunatic, 
thought  he  was  seeking  religion,  stopped  preaching  and 
asked  : 

"I  say,  young  man,  are  you  looking  for  salvation  ?" 

"  No,  sir,  I  don't  know  her  at  all.  I'm  looking  for  Sal 
Stickem  ;  is  she  here?"  At  this  point  the  congregation 
smiled,  and  the  ushers  had  business  for  this  fellow  at  the 
front  door,  and  hustled  him  out. 

A  QUARTETTE  OF  GOOD  ONES. 

That  singular  Western  sect,  the  Anti-means  Baptists," 
otherwise  known  as  the  Hard-shells "  or  "  Whisky  Bap- 
tists," have  many  sins  of  ignorance  to  answer  for ;  but 
ignorance  pure  is  only  amusing.  The  man  who  took  his 
text  from  the  "  Book  of  one  -  eyed  Samuel "  was  at  least 
interesting  in  the  outset,  and  that  was  something.  An 
ear-witness  tells  of  a  cantankerous  Kentucky  Hard-shell 
who  read  from  Revelations,  "And  there  appeared  a  great 
wonder  in  heaven  :  a  woman — "  Pausing  here,  he  added, 
"  Yes,  John,  it  was  a  wonder  if  there  was  a  woman  there. 
It  was  the  first  one  and  the  last  one  as'll  ever  get  there." 
This  was  a  spicy  and  unconventional  application  of  Scrip- 
ture, and  reminds  one  in  its  frankness  of  the  better  one  of 
Owen  Lovejoy,  who,  when  he  was  a  minister  in  Maine,  was 
outraged  by  the  persistency  of  the  mill-owners  in  their  habit 
of  sawing  logs  bearing  other  men's  marks.  He  read  for  his 
text  one  Sunday :  "  Thou  shalt  not  steal  logs,"  and  added 
vehemently,  "  Now,  do  you  know  what   that   means  ? " 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


163 


He  was  not  a  Hard-shell,  either,  who  rendered  himself 
immortal  by  telling  an  audience  in  Southern  Illinois  that 
"they  persecuted  John  the  Baptist,  and  put  him  in  a 
ca'ldern  of  bilin'  ile,  an'  that  ile  was  the  ile  of  Patmos, 
wherein  he  writ  his  revelation." 


An  illiterate  negro  preacher  once  said  to  his  congrega- 
tion :  "  My  bredrin,  when  de  fust  man,  Adam,  was  created, 
he  was  made  ob  wet  clay,  and  set  up  agin  de  palins  to 
dry." 

"  Do  you  say,"  said  one  of  the  congregation,  rising 
to  his  feet,  "  dat  Adam  was  made  ob  wet  clay,  an'  set  up 
agin  the  palins  to  dry  ? " 

"Yes,  sar,  I  do." 

"  Den  who  made  de  palins  ? " 

"Set  down,  sar,"  said  the  preacher,  sternly  ;  "sich  ques- 
tions as  dat  would  upset  any  system  ob  theology." 

A  market  man  was  mercilessly  swindled  in  the  town 

of  B  .    His  misfortune  gave  him  a  very  unfavorable 

opinion  of  the  residents,  and  he  expressed  his  opinion  of 

them  by  saying  that  if  the  Angel  Gabriel  stopped  at  B  

there  would  be  no  resurrection.  "Why  ?"  asked  a  listener. 
"  Because  the  people  would  swindle  him  out  of  his  horn 
before  he  had  time  to  blow  a  single  toot." 

WISH  I  WAS  A  JUNE  BUG. 

She  was  a  colored  lady,  and  attending  a  revival  of 
religion,  and  had  worked  herself  up  to  the  extreme  pitch 
of  going  to  the  place  in  a  moment,  or  sooner  if  possible. 
As  her  friends  gave  vent  to  their  feelings,  she  likewise 
gave  vent  to  her  feelings,  and  exclaimed : 

B 


164 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"  I  wish  I  was  a  June  bug  !  " 

A  brother  of  sable  hue,  standing  near  by,  inquired : 
"  What  do  you  want  to  be  one  for  ?  " 
«  That  I  might  fly  to  Heaven." 

"  You  fool  nigger  ;  woodpecker  ketch  you  'fore  you  get 
half  way  dar." 

A  small  child  being  asked  by  Sunday-school  teacher, 
"What  did  the  Israelites  do  after  they  crossed  the  Red 
Sea  ?  "  answered,  "  I  don't  know,  ma'am,  but  I  guess  they 
dried  themselves." 


AN  EASY  CREDITOR. 

Some  time  ago,  on  the  Sabbath  day,  we  wended  our 
way  to  one  of  our  churches,  and  instead  of  a  sermon,  heard 
an  address  upon  some  missionary  or  other  benevolent  sub- 
ject. After  the  address  was  concluded,  two  of  the  brethren 
were  sent  round  with  the  basket  for  contributions.  Parson 

L  ,  who  was  one  of  the  basket  bearers,  taking  the  side 

upon  which  we  sat.    Immediately  in  our  front,  and  upon. 

the  next  seat,  negligently  reclined  our  friend  Bill  H  , 

a  gentleman  of  infinite  humor  and  full  of  dry  jokes.  Par- 
son L  extended  the  basket,  and  Bill  slowly  shook  his 

head. 

"  Come,  William,  give  us  something,"  said  the  parson. 

"  Can't  do  it,"  replied  Bill. 

"  Why  not  ?    Is  not  the  cause  a  good  one  ?  " 

"  Yes,  but  I  am  not  able  to  give  anything." 
Pooh !  pooh  !  I  know  better ;  you  must  give  a  better 
reason  than  that." 

"Well,  I  owe  too  much  money — I  must  be  just  before 
I'm  generous,  you  know." 


•WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


165 


"  But,  William,  you  owe  God  a  larger  debt  than  you 
owe  anybody  else." 

"  That's  true,  parson,  but  then  He  ainH  pushing  me  like 
the  balance  of  my  creditors.'^'* 

The  parson's  face  got  into  rather  a  curious  condition, 
and  he  passed  on. 


ALWAYS  THOUGHT  SO. 

"  I  always  thought  so  !  "  is  the  very  wise  remark  which 
everybody  makes  when  the  most  unlikely  thing  in  the 
world  has  just  happened.  It  argues  great  penetration  and 
foresight ;  and  as  no  one  has  a  right  to  dispute  the  remark, 
we  may  fancy  it  is  believed. 

The  Rev.  Mr.  Jones  was  chaplain  to  the  State  prison  in 

 ,  and  a  very  judicious  appointment  it  was.    The  old 

gentleman  had  retired  from  active  pastoral  life,  and  his 
venerable  appearance  and  gentle  manners  were  fitted  to 
inspire  respect  even  among  thieves.  When  the  fact  of  his 
appointment  was  made  known,  a  member  of  the  Methodist 
Church,  residing  within  one  of  the  circuits  where  Father 
Jones  had  preached  for  many  years  and  was  well  known, 
having  some  business  to  transact  with  one  of  his  neighbors, 
thought  he  would  have  a  joke  at  the  expense  of  old  Mr. 
Jones,  and  astonish  his  neighbor  in  the  bargain.  Now, 
this  neighbor.  Brown,  had  been  a  great  admirer  of  Father 
Jones,  had  shouted  the  loudest  under  his  preaching,  and 
cheered  him  with  the  heartiest  Amen  !  So,  to  him  came 
the  humorous  friena,  Mr.  Smith,  and  cried  out  to  him  over 
the  fence,  as  he  found  him  at  work  : 

"  Brother  Brown,  have  you  heard  the  news  ?" 

"  Why,  no.    What  n^ws,  Brother  Smith  ?  " 


166 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"  Well,  they  say  old  Father  Jones  has  been  sent  to  the 
State's  prison  ! " 

"  You  don't  say  so,  Brother  Smith  !  Is  it  really  a  fact  ?" 

"  I  guess  it's  so,"  says  Smith  ;  "  I  heard  it  from  Brother 
Cook,  and  he  saw  it  in  the  paper,  and  I  guess  there's  no 
mistake  about  it." 

"  Well,  well !  Now,  Brother  Smith,  I'll  tell  you  a  thing 
or  two  that  I  never  did  tell  nobody  before,  not  even  my 
wife.  The  fact  is,  between  you  and  me  and  that  stone 
wall,  I  always  thought  that  old  Jones  wasn't  exactly  the 
right  kind  of  a  man  ;  and  when  he  was  here  I  used  to 
think  he'd  get  into  the  State's  prison  one  of  these  days.  I 
think  the  old  sinner  is  better  in  it  than  out  among  honest 
folks." 

Mr.  Smith  left  him  without  explaining  the  misapprehen- 
sion, preferring  that  the  scandal-loving  Brown  should  find 
out  his  error  by  degrees.  All  the  world  does  love  to  kick 
a  man  going  down  hill. 

A  preacher  in  one  of  the  fashionable  London  churches 
is  reported  to  have  said, "  St.  Paul  remarks,  and  I  partially 
agree  with  him."  This  reminds  us  of  the  judge  who,  in 
sentencing  a  prisoner  to  death,  observed,  "  Prisoner  at  the 
bar,  you  will  soon  have  to  appear  before  another  and  per- 
haps a  better  Judge." 

Teacher.    "What  bird  did  Noah  send  out  of  the  ark  ?" 

Smallest  boy  in  the  class,  after  a  pause.    "  A  dove,  sir." 

Teacher.  "  Very  well,  but  I  sho^'Ia  have  thought  some 
of  you  big  boys  would  have  known  that." 

Tall  pupil.  "  Please,  sir,  that  boy  ought  to  know,  sir, 
'cause  his  father's  a  bird  ketcher,  sir." 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


167 


WHAT  WAS  THE  MIRACLE  ? 

A  darkey  returning  from  church  was  asked  to  give  an 
account  of  the  sermon  : 

"  Well,  sah,  de  sermon  was  upon  de  miracle  ob  de  loaves 
and  de  fishes.  De  minister  said  how  der  was  seven  thou- 
sand loaves  and  five  thousand  fishes  divided  between  de 
twelve  apostles." 

"Well,  what  miracle  was  there  about  that?" 

"  Why,  sah,  de  miracle  was  dat  dey  didn't  bust  1  Dat's 
my  perception  ob  de  circumstance." 

A  Scotchman  asked  an  Irishman,  "Why  were  half- 
farthings  coined  in  England  ?  " 

Pat's  answer  was  :  "  To  give  Scotchmen  an  opportunity 
of  subscribing  to  charitable  institutions." 

"  Why,"  said  a  country  clergyman  to  one  of  his  flock, 
"  do  you  always  sleep  in  your  pew  when  I  am  in  the  pulpit, 
while  you  are  all  attention  to  every  stranger  I  invite  ?  " 

"  Because,  sir,"  was  the  reply,  "  when  you  preach  I'm 
sure  all's  right ;  but  I  can't  trust  a  stranger  without  keeping 
a  sharp  lookout." 

COULDN'T  PRAY  WITHOUT  BEING  DISTURBED. 
A  negro,  who  was  suspected  of  surreptitiously  meddling 
with  his  neighbor's  fruit,  being  caught  in  a  garden  by 
moonlight,  nonplussed  his  detectors  by  raising  his  eyes, 
clasping  his  hands,  and  piously  exclaiming :  "  Good  Lord  ! 
dis  yere  darkey  can't  go  nowhere  to  pray  any  more  without 
bein'  'sturbed." 

"  I  take  my  tex  dis  morning,"  said  a  colored  preacher, 
"  from  dat  po'tion  ob  de  Scriptures  whar  de  Postol  Paul 
pints  his  pistol  to  de  Fessions." 


168 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


A  parson  reading  the  funeral  service  at  the  grave,  forgot 
the  sex  of  the  deceased,  and  asked  one  of  the  mourners,  an 
Emeralder  :  "  Is  this  a  brother  or  a  sister  ?  " 

"  Neither,"  replied  Pat,  "  only  a  cousin." 


A  DIFFICULT  QUESTION  TO  ANSWER. 

In  the  western  part  of  the  State  of  Pennsylvania  it  is 
the  custom  of  the  Methodists  to  hold  camp-meetings,  during 
which  there  is  much  loud  preaching  and  shouting  by  the 
members.  Some  years  since  one  of  these  meetings  was  in 
full  blast,  and  the  noise  attracted  an  old  backwoodsman, 
who  had  never  seen  anything  of  the  kind  before.  He  came 
to  the  edge  of  the  camp,  seated  himself  on  a  log,  rested  his 
rifle  on  his  knees,  and  became  an  attentive  listener.  The 
sermon  over,  the  exhorters  "  began  to  circulate,  and  one 
of  them  singled  the  old  fellow  out  as  a  good  subject  to 
operate  upon.  He  began  by  questioning  him  and  s^ip- 
posing  cases  to  him,  until  he  could  neither  say  "  yes  "  nor 
"  no,"  he  would  or  he  wouldn't.  He  finally  broke  out  (and 
he  stuttered  "  orfully  ")  with  "  Mister  p-preacher,  m-m-may 
I  ax  y-you  a  q-question  ?  " 

"  Certainly." 

S-sposin'^  y-you  w-was  out  y-yere  in  the  w-woods,  and 
ssposiri'  a  great  b-big  b-b'ar  was  ter  come  along  and  swal- 
swal-swallow  you,  and  s-sposirC  y-you  was  ter  look  out  er 
the  b-b'ar's  m-mouth  and  see  a  p-pack  er  w- wolves  a-comin', 
what  would  y-you  do  ?  Would  you  p-pull  yer  h-head  in 
or  w-would  you  k-kick  like  blazes  ter  make  him  r-run 
faster?" 

Before  "  Mister  Preacher  "  could  decide,  the  old  fellow 
had  shouldered  his  rifle  and  disappeared  in  the  woods. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


169 


LET  BRUDDER  RYAN  PRAY. 

We  don't  often  find  in  a  religious  journal  much  to  laugh 
at,  but  the  following,  from  the  Religious  Telescope^  relating 
to  a  revival  among  some  colored  brethren,  will  bring  a 
smile  to  almost  everybody. 

We  were  present  a  few  evenings  since,  and  witnessed, 
with  much  gratification,  their  earnest  devotion  in  the  good 
cause.  All  seemed  to  feel  the  need  of  a  more  thorough 
reformation.  Of  the  incidents  consequent  we  can  not 
fail  to  note  one.  A  brother  was  supplicating  the  Throne 
eloquently  when  another  brother  called  out  in  a  stentorian 
voice : 

"  Who  dat  prayin'  ober  dar  ?  " 

The  response  was : 

"  Dat's  brudder  Mose." 

"  Hold  on  dar,  brudder  Mose,"  was  the  dictum  of  the 
former,  "  you  let  brudder  Ryan  pray,  he's  better  'quainted 
wid  de  Lord  dan  you  am  !  " 


MUTTON  VERSUS  SOULS. 

Let  me  tell  you  an  incident.    I  know  it  to  be  true,  for  it 

occurred  here  in  Zanesville.    Judge  A  ,  the  individual 

mentioned,  is  our  present  member  of  Congress,  and  Parson 
Jones,  the  old  negro  preacher  (Heaven  rest  his  bones), 
with  his  old  gray  mare  and  rickety  cart,  has  long  since 
returned  to  dust.  The  judge  was  present  at  the  delivery 
of  one  of  his  sermons,  and  was  brought  in  by  the  speaker 
by  way  of  illustrating  a  certain  position  then  and  there 
taken  by  him. 

"  My  dear  friends  and  brethren,"  said  he,  de  soul  ob 
de  brack  man  is  as  dear  in  de  sight  ob  de  Lord  as  de  soul 


170 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


ob  de  white  man.    Now  you  all  see  Judge  a-sitting 

dah  leaning  on  his  golden  headed  cane  ;  you  all  know  de 
judge,  niggas,  and  a  berry  fine  man  he  is,  too.  Well, 
now,  I'se  gwine  to  make  a  little  comparishment :  Suppose 
de  judge,  some  fine  mornin'  puts  his  basket  under  his  arm 
and  goes  to  market  to  buy  a  piece  of  meat.  He  soon  finds 
a  nice  fat  piece  of  mutton  and  goes  off  with  it.  Do  you 
'spose  de  judge  would  stop  to  'quire  wedder  dat  mutton 
was  ob  a  white  sheep  or  ob  a  brack  sheep  ?  No,  nuffin  ob 
de  kind ;  if  de  mutton  was  nice  an'  fat  it  would  be  all  de 
same  to  de  judge  ;  he  would  not  stop  to  ax  wedder  de 
sheep  had  white  wool  or  brack  wool.  Well,  jis  so  it  is, 
my  frens,  wid  our  Hebenly  Master.  He  does  not  stop  to 
ax  wedder  a  soul  'longs  to  a  white  man  or  a  brack  man  — 
wedder  his  head  was  kivered  wid  straight  har  or  kivered 
wid  wool ;  the  only  question  he  would  ax  will  be,  '  Is  dis  a 
good  soul  ? '  and  if  so  de  Massa  will  say,  '  Enter  into  de  joy 
ob  de  Lord,  an'  sit  down  on  de  same  bench  wid  de  white 
man  ;  ye's  all  on  a  perfect  'quality." 


CAMP -MEETING  INCIDENT. 

Our  readers  may  remember  the  story  of  the  "  soaping  " 
of  the  signal  horn.  The  story  runs  that  when  a  certain 
revivalist  celebrity  took  up  the  horn,  to  summon  the  wor- 
shippers to  service,  after  dinner,  one  day,  he  blew  a  strong 
blast  of  soft  soap  all  over  the  astonished  brethren.  It  is 
also  said  by  the  chronicler  of  this  "item"  that  the  brother 
was  so  wroth  at  this  joke  that  he  cried  out  aloud,  "  Breth- 
ren, I  have  passed  through  many  trials  and  tribulations, 
but  nothing  like  this.  1  have  served  the  ministry  for  thirty 
years,  and  in  that  time  have  never  uttered  a  profane  word, 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


171 


but  I'll  be  cussed  if  I  can't  whip  the  man  that  soaped  that 
horn." 

Well,  this  is  a  story ;  but  we  have  from  a  Tellable 
authority,  something  a  little  stronger  in  the  sequel  to  the 
same  incident.    This  is  given  to  us  as  follows  : 

Some  two  days  after  the  horn -soaping,  a  tall,  swarthy, 
villainous-looking  desperado  strolled  on  the  grounds,  and 
leaned  against  a  tree,  listening  to  the  eloquent  exhortation 
to  repent  which  was  being  made  by  the  preacher.  After  a 
while  he  became  interested,  finally  affected,  and  then  took 
a  position  on  the  anxious  seat,  commenced  groaning  in 
"  the  very  bitterness  "  of  his  sorrow.  The  clergyman  walked 
down  and  endeavored  to  console  him.  No  consolation  — 
he  was  too  great  a  sinner,  he  said.  Oh,  no  —  there  was 
pardon  for  the  vilest.  No,  he  was  too  wicked — there 
was  no  mercy  for  him. 

"Why,  what  crime  have  you  committed?"  said  the 
preacher  ;  "  have  you  stolen  ?  " 

"  Oh,  worse  than  that !  " 

"  What !  have  you  committed  perjury  ?  " 

"Worse  than  that — oh,  worse  than  that  ?" 

'-''Murder^  is  it  ?  "  gasped  the  horrified  preacher. 

"  Worse  than  that !  "  groaned  the  smitten  sinner. 

The  excited  preacher  commenced  "peeling  off"  his 
outer  garments. 

"Here,  Brother  Cole!"  shouted  he,  "  hold  my  coat  — 
I've  found  the  fellow  that  soaped  that  horn  !  " 

A  farmer  who  wished  to  invest  the  accumulation  of  his 
industry  in  United  States  securities,  went  into  a  broker's 
office  to  obtain  "some  five-twenties."    The  clerk  inquired  : 

"  What  denomination  will  you  have  them,  sir  ?  " 


172 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


Having  never  heard  that  word  used  except  to  distinguish 
sects,  the  farmer,  after  a  little  deliberation,  replied  :  "  Well, 
you  may  give  me  a  part  in  Old  School  Presbyterian,  to 
please  the  old  lady  ;  but  give  me  the  heft  on't  in  Free  Will 
Baptist." 

An  elderly  darkey  inquired  of  a  policeman  if  he  knew 
anything  of  his  son  Pete. 

The  policeman  replied  that  there  was  a  young  darkey 
in  the  lock-up  for  breaking  up  a  prayer-meeting  with  an 
ax-handle. 

"  Dat's  him,"  exclaimed  the  overjoyed  parent  "He  told 
me  he  was  gwine  to  'muse  himself." 


Two  little  girls  were  comparing  progress  in  catechism 
study : 

"  I've  got  to  original  sin,"  said  one.  "  How  far  have 
you  got  ?  " 

"  Me  ?  Oh,  I'm  way  beyond  redemption,"  said  the  other. 


THE  NEW  PRISON  CHAPLAIN. 

A  new  prison  chaplain  was  recently  appointed  in  a  cer- 
tain town.  He  was  a  man  who  greatly  magnified  his  office, 
and,  entering  one  of  the  cells  on  his  first  round  of  inspec- 
tion, he,  with  much  pomposity,  thus  addressed  the  prisoner 
who  occupied  it : 

"  W^ell,  sir,  do  you  know  who  I  am  ?  " 

"  No,  nor  I  dinna  care,"  was  the  nonchalant  reply. 

"  Well,  I'm  your  new  chaplain." 

"Oh,  ye  are  !    Well,  I  hae  heard  o'  ye  before." 

"And  what  did  you  hear?"  returned  the  chaplain,  his 
^riosity  getting  the  better  of  his  dignity. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


173 


"  Weel,  I  heard  that  the  last  twa  kirks  ye  were  in  ye 
preached  them  baith  empty  ;  but  I'll  be  hanged  if  ye  find 
it  such  an  easy  matter  to  do  the  same  wi'  this  ane  ! " 


Ritualistic  hostess.  "  Are  you  going  to  church  with  us 
this  evening,  major  ?" 

The  Major.  "  Thanks,  no !  I  was  at  the  morning  per- 
formance ! ! " 

AS  DRY  AS  EVER. 

A  Scotch  minister  thus  discoursed  on  the  carelessness  of 
his  flock : 

"  Brethren,  when  you  leave  the  church  just  look  down  at 
the  Duke's  swans  ;  they  are  very  bonny  swans,  an'  they'll 
be  sooming  about  an'  aye  dooking  doon  their  heads  and 
laving  theirsels  wi'  the  clear  water  till  they're  a'  drookit ; 
then  you'll  see  them  sooming  to  the  shore,  an  they'll  gae 
their  wings  a  bit  o'  flap  and  they're  dry  again.  Now,  my 
friends,  you  come  here  every  Sabbath,  an'  I  lave  you 
a'-ower  wi'  the  Gospel  till  ye're  fairly  drooit  wi'  it.  But 
you  just  gang  awa'  hame,  an'  sit  down  by  your  fireside,  gae 
your  wings  a  bit  o'  flap,  an'  ye're  as  dry  as  ever  again." 


Some  people  seem  to  be  extremely  sensitive.  At  one 
of  the  churches  Sunday,  the  minister  read  the  prayer  for  a 
person  in  deep  afiliction,  and  a  man  who  had  just  been 
married  got  up  and  went  out.  He  said  he  didn't  want 
public  sympathy  obtruded  on  him  in  that  way. 


A  few  years  ago,  at  a  negro  camp -meeting,  held  near 
Flushing,  the  colored  preacher  said : 

"  I  tell  you,  my  blubbed  bredern,  dat  de  debble  is  a  big 


174 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


hog^  an'  one  ob  dese  days  he'll  cum  along  an'  root  you  all 
out." 

An  old  negro,  in  one  of  the  anxious  pews,  hearing  this, 
raised  himself  from  the  straw,  and,  clasping  his  hands, 
exclaimed  in  the  agony  of  his  tears,  "  Ring  him,  Lord  ! 
ring  him  !  " 

"Children,"  said  a  country  minister,  addressing  a  Sun- 
day school,  "  why  are  we  like  flowers  ?  What  do  we  have 
that  flowers  have  ?  " 

And  a  small  boy  in  the  infants'  class,  whose  breath 
smelled  of  vermifuge,  rose  up  and  made  reply : 

"  Worms ! "  and  the  minister  crept  under  the  pulpit 
chair  to  hide  his  emotion. 


Old  Deacon  Sharp  never  told  a  lie ;  but  he  used  to 
relate  this  :  He  was  standing  one  day  before  a  frog -pond, 
and  saw  a  large  garter  snake  make  an  attack  upon  an 
enormous  bull-frog.  The  snake  seized  on  the  frog's  hind 
legs,  and  the  frog,  to  be  on  a  par  with  his  snakeship,  caught 
him  by  the  tail,  and  both  commenced  swallowing  each 
other,  and  continued  this  carnivorous  operation  until 
nothing  was  left  of  them. 


PERSONAL  PREACHING. 

Bishop  Ames  tells  a  story  of  a  slavemaster  in  Missouri, 
in  the  olden  time  of  negro  vassalage,  who  said  to  his  chattel : 

"  Pompey,  I  hear  you  are  a  great  preacher." 

"  Yes,  massa,  de  Lord  do  help  me  powerful  sometimes." 

"  Well,  Pompey,  don't  you  think  the  negroes  steal  little 
things  on  the  plantation  ?  " 

"  I'se  mighty  'fraid  they  does,  massa." 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


175 


"  Then,  Pompey,  I  want  you  to  preach  a  sermon  to  the 
negroes  about  stealing." 

After  a  brief  reflection,  Pompey  replied  : 
"  You  see,  massa,  dat  wouldn't  never  do,  cause  'twould 
trow  such  a  col'ness  over  the  meetin'." 


BRAVERY  IN  THE  DARK. 

A  brave  old  darkey,  during  the  last  Millerite  excite- 
ment, had  boasted  that  "he  wa'n't  afraid  ob  de  angel  ob  de 
Lord.    No,  sah  !  " 

The  darkey  slept  in  a  room  finished  off  with  a  rough 
partition.  One  night,  just  as  he  was  getting  into  bed,  he 
was  startled  with  a  knocking  on  the  partition,  which  made 
it  jar. 

"Whodar?" 

"  The  angel  of  de  Lord ! " 

"  What  ur  want  ?  " 

"Want  Sambo." 

Out  went  the  light,  and  under  the  bed-clothes  went 
Sambo. 

"  No  sich  nigger  here,  sah  !  been  dead  dese  tree  weeks." 

A  thick-headed  squire,  being  worsted  by  Sydney  Smith 
in  an  argument,  took  his  revenge  by  exclaiming  :  "  If  I  had 
a  son  that  was  an  idiot,  by  Jove,  I'd  make  him  a  parson  !  " 

"  Very  probable,"  replied  Sydney, "  but  I  see  your  father 
was  of  a  very  different  mind." 


NO  MORE  QUESTIONS  FOR  HIM. 

The  Rev.  Dr.  R  ,  of  Edinburgh,  although  a  very 

clever  man,  has  met  his  match.  When  examining  a  student 
as  to  the  classes  he  had  attended,  he  said : 

12 


176 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"And  you  attend  the  class  for  mathematics?'* 
«Yes.'' 

"  How  many  sides  has  a  circle  ?  " 
"  Two,"  said  the  student. 
"  What  are  they  ?  " 

What  a  laugh  in  the  class  the  student's  answer  produced 
when  he  said,  "An  inside  and  an  outside ! " 

But  this  was  nothing  compared  with  what  followed. 
The  doctor  having  said  to  the  student : 

"And  you  attended  the  philosophy  class,  also?  Well, 
you  would  hear  lectures  on  subjects.  Did  you  ever  hear 
one  on  cause  and  effect  ?  " 

"Yes.'' 

"  Does  an  effect  ever  go  before  a  cause  ?  " 
"  Yes." 

"Give  me  an  instance." 

"  A  man  wheeling  a  barrow." 

The  doctor  then  sat  down,  and  proposed  no  more 
questions. 

SOMEWHAT  IN  DOUBT. 
A  good  one  happened  at  a  camp-meeting.  An  old  lady, 
appearing  to  be  greatly  distressed,  attracted  the  sympathy 
of  one  of  the  brethren,  who  went  to  her,  and,  in  kindly 
tones,  asked  if  he  could  do  anything  for  her.  He  inquired 
if  she  had  got  religion. 

She  took  on  greatly,  and  finally  answered : 

"I  don't  know  ;  mebbe  ifs  religion — mebbe  ii^s  worms?'* 

VERY  COMPLIMENTARY. 
"Well,  Father  Brown,  how  did  you  like  my  sermon 
yesterday  ?  "  asked  a  young  preacher. 

"  Ye  see,  parson,"  was  the  reply, "  I  haven't  a  fair  chance 


WIT   AND  HUMOR. 


177 


at  them  sermons  of  yourn.  I'm  an  old  man  now,  and  have 
to  set  putty  well  back  by  the  stove;  and  there's  old  Mrs. 
Smith,  'n  Widder  Taff,  n  Mrs.  Rylan's  darters,  and  Nabby 
Birt,  'n  all  the  rest  setting  in  front  of  me  with  their  mouths 
wide  open,  a-swallerin'  down  all  the  best  of  the  sermon; 
'n  what  gits  down  to  me  is  putty  poor  stuff,  parson,  putty 
poor  stuff." 

A  STRONG  ARGUMENT. 
An  old  negro,  near  Victoria,  Texas,  who  was  the  only 
Baptist  in  the  neighborhood,  always  "  stuck  up  for  his  own 
faith,"  and  was  ready  with  a  reason  for  it,  although  he  was 
unable  to  read  a  word.  This  was  the  way  he  "put 'em 
down: " 

You  kin  read,  now,  keant  you?" 
"Yes." 

"Well,  I  s'pose  you've  read  the  Bible,  hain't  you?" 
"Yes." 

"  You've  read  about  John  de  Baptist,  hain't  you?  " 
"Yes." 

Well,  you  never  read  about  John  de  Methodis^^  did 
you?  You  see  I  has  de  Bible  on  my  side,  den.  Yah, 
ya-a-h!"   

SIT  DOWN,  YE  SPALPEEN. 
One  evening  Pat  chanced  to  drop  into  a  quiet  meeting- 
house belonging  to  the  Quakers,  and  being  rather  aston- 
ished as  to  what  manner  of  place  it  was,  resolved  to  remain 
quiet  and  abide  the  course  of  events.  He  behaved  himself 
with  remarkable  decorum,  until  a  young  broad-brim,  no 
doul)t  moved  by  the  spirit,  and  in  a  somewhat  unusual 
tone,  informed  the  hearers,  "I  have  married  a  wife,"  evi- 
dently being  about  speaking  in  meeting  from  this  as  a  text. 


178 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


Pat  was  excited,  and  called  out:  "The  divil  ye  have  ?" 

This  interruption  rather  confused  the  young  man  ;  but 
he  continued :  "  I  have  married  a  daughter  of  the  Lord." 

This  was  too  much  for  our  Emerald  Islander,  who 
exclaimed  :  "  Sit  down,  ye  spalpeen  !  It'll  be  a  long  time 
before  you  see  your  father-in-law." 


TAKING  UP  A  COLLECTION. 

The  hat  was  passed  around  a  certain  congregation  for 
the  purpose  of  taking  up  a  collection.  After  it  had  made 
the  circuit  of  the  church,  it  was  handed  to  the  minister  — 
who,  by  the  way,  had  exchanged  pulpits  with  the  regular 
preacher  —  and  he  found  not  a  penny  in  it.  He  inverted 
the  hat  over  the  pulpit  cushion  and  shook  it,  that  its  empti- 
ness might  be  known  ;  then,  raising  his  eyes  to  the  ceiling, 
he  exclaimed  with  great  fervor :  "  I  thank  God  that  I  got 
back  my  hat  from  this  congregation." 

"  Well,  neighbor  Slummidge,  how  much  shall  I  put  you 
down  for  to  get  a  chandelier  for  the  church  ?  " 

Neighbor  S.  "  Shoo  !  what  we  want  to  git  a  chandeleer 
for  ?  The'  hain't  nobody  kin  play  on  ter  it  when  we  do 
git  it?"   

THE  UNCERTAINTY  OF  LIFE. 

Some  of  the  most  eloquent  speakers  we  have  ever  heard 
have  been  very  unlearned  men.  The  most  celebrated 
divines  of  this  city  would  have  labored  through  a  two 
hours'  sermon,  from  firstly  to  thirty-secondly,  to  show  what 
is  contained  in  the  following  extract  from  a  sermon  at  a 
negro  camp-meeting  in  Kentucky,  on  the  uncertainty  of 
life: 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


179 


"  Bredren  and  sisters,  man  am  like  the  rooster ;  in  de 
morning  he  fly  upon  de  fence,  clap  his  wings,  crow  and 
feel  berry  nice,  but  alas  !  before  noon  he  may  be  killed, 
put  in  de  pot,  boiled  and  eat  up." 

To  illustrate  further  the  practical  and  concise  nature  of 
negro  literature,  we  make  the  following  extract  from  a 
work  on  Natural  History  : 

"  Man  is  de  first  animal  in  creation  ;  he  springs  up  like 
a  sparrow-grass,  hops  about  like  a  hopper -grass,  and  dies 
just  like  a  jack -ass!" 

*'WHEN  ABRAHAM  BUILT  THE  ARK." 

The  Hard -Shell  Baptists  of  the  Southwest  are  well- 
known.  They  oppose  all  Bible,  temperance,  and  educa- 
tional societies,  hate  missions  to  the  heathen,  and  are 
dead -set  against  all  modern  schemes  for  converting  the 
rest  of  mankind.  Of  course  they  are  opposed  to  learning, 
and  speak  as  they  are  moved  by  the  spirit. 

A  good  one  is  told  of  one  of  their  preachers : 

Two  of  them  were  in  the  same  pulpit  together.  While 
one  was  preaching  he  happened  to  say : 

"  When  Abraham  built  the  ark." 

The  one  behind  him  strove  to  correct  his  blunder  by 
saying  out  loud  : 

"  Abraham  vKirn^t  thar  !  " 

But  the  speaker  pushed  on,  heedless  of  the  interrup- 
tion, and  only  took  occasion  shortly,  to  repeat,  still  more 
decidedly  : 

"  I  say  when  Abraham  built  the  ark." 

"And  I  say,"  cried  out  the  other,  Abraham  loarnH 
thar  !  " 

The  Hard  Shell  was  too  hard  to  be  beaten  down  in  this 


180 


WIT    AND  HUMOR. 


way,  and,  addressing  the  people,  exclaimed  with  great 
indignation  :   "  I  say  Abraham  was  thar^  or  thar  aboiits  !  " 


CUT  FOR  A  NEW  DEAL. 

A  Chicago  parson,  who  is  also  a  school  -  teacher,  handed 
a  problem  to  a  class  in  mathematics  the  other  day.  The 
first  boy  took  it,  looked  at  it  awhile,  and  said : 

"  I  pass." 

Second  boy  stared  at  it,  and  drawled  out : 
"  I  can't  make  it." 

"  Very  well,  boys,"  said  the  parson,  "  we'll  proceed  to 
cut  for  a  new  deal." 

And  with  this  remark  the  leather  strap  danced  like 
lightning  over  the  shoulders  of  these  depraved  mathema- 
ticians. 

HE." 

Highlanders  have  the  habit,  when  talking  their  English, 
such  as  it  is,  of  interjecting  the  personal  pronoun  "he" 
where  not  required  —  such  as  "The  King  he  has  come," 
instead  of  "  The  King  has  come."  Often,  in  consequence, 
a  sentence  or  an  expression  is  rendered  sufficiently  ludi- 
crous, as  the  sequel  will  show. 

A  gentleman  says  he  has  had  the  pleasure  of  listening 

to  a  clever  man,  the  Rev.  Mr.   (let  his  locality  be  a 

secret),  and  recently  he  began  his  discourse  thus : 

"  My  friends,  you  will  find  the  subject  of  discourse  this 
afternoon  in  the  first  Epistle  general  of  the  Apostle  Peter, 
chapter  5th  and  verse  8th,  in  the  words :  "The  devil  he 
goeth  about  like  a  roaring  lion  ;  seeking  whom  he  may 
devour.'  Now,  my  friends,  with  your  leave,  we  will  divide 
the  subject  of  our  text  to-day  into  four  heads : 


WIT  AND  HUMO'l. 


181 


"  Firstly,  we  shall  endeavor  to  ascei  l;ain  '  Who  the  devil 
he  was.' 

"  Secondly,  we  shall  inquire  into  '  lis  geographical  posi- 
tion—  namely,  'Where  the  devil  he  v/as,'  and  '  Where  the 
devil  he  was  going.' 

"  Thirdly,  and  this  is  of  a  persona  1  character,  '  Who  the 
devil  he  was  seeking.' 

"And  fourthly  and  lastly,  we  shal  endeavor  to  solve  a 
question  which  has  never  been  sol/ed  yet:  'What  the 
devil  he  was  roaring  about.'" 


A  Scotch  minister  recently  told  Ms  neighbor  that  he 
spoke  two  hours  and  a  half  the  Sunda^^  previous. 

"  Why,  minister,  were  you  not  tire  1  to  death  ?"  asked 
the  neighbor. 

"Aw  nae,"  said  he;  "I  was  as  fresli  as  a  rose;  but  it 
would  have  done  your  heart  good  to  see  how  tired  the 
congregation  was." 

A  minister  at  a  colored  wedding,  ^  ho  wished  to  be 
humorous,  said : 

"On  such  occasions  it  is  customary  to  kiss  the  bride, 
but  in  this  case  we  will  omit  it." 

To  which  malignant  remark  the  bridegroom  pertinently 
replied : 

"  On  such  occasions  it  is  customary  to  pa^  the  minister 
ten  dollars,  but  in  this  case  we  will  omit  it." 


An  old  Scotch  divine,  not  remarkable  for  his  gifts  as  an 
interpreter  of  Scripture,  was  once  endeavorin  r  to  expound 
one  of  the  Psalms,  when  the  expression  "  ten  -  stringed 
instrument"  came  in  his  way. 


182 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"  Now,  my  friends,"  said  he,  "  div  ye  ken  what  that 
means  —  a  ten-stringed  instrument?  Some  say  it  means 
ane  thing,  and  some  say  anither  ;  but  I  hae  aye  a  notion 
that  it  joost  means  the  ten  commandments!  But  that's 
only  a  thocht  o'  my  ain." 


A  VERY  CLEAR  TEXT. 

Father  Rollins,  out  in  Wisconsin,  was  preaching  from 
the  words,  "  He  that  believeth  shall  be  saved."  He  opened 
at  considerable  length  with  a  general  view  of  the  subject, 
and  then,  concentrating  his  force,  proceeded  to  a  critical 
exegesis  of  the  text  in  this  wise  : 

"  My  brethren,  I  wish  to  direct  your  attention  closely 
and  particularly  to  the  loording  of  this  Scripture,  as  there- 
by to  reach  the  very  meat  and  substance  of  it.  The  text 
says,  '  He  that  believeth  ;  '  observe,  my  brethren,  it  does 
not  say,  '  He  that  heliems^  nor  '  He  that  belie V6C?,'  but  it 
plainly  and  expressly  declares,  it  is  he  that  believ^^A  who 
shall  be  saved.  Mark,  my  brethren,  the  force,  in  the  Scrip- 
ture, of  the  little  word  etli  !  " 

Perhaps  they  did  mark  it ;  but  what  the  good  preacher 
meant  was  more  than  the  wisest  of  them  could  tell. 


A  negro,  about  dying,  was  told  by  his  minister  that  he 
must  forgive  a  certain  darkey  against  whom  he  seemed  to 
entertain  very  bitter  feelings. 

"Yes,  sah,"  he  replied,  "if  I  dies,  I  forgive  dat  nigger, 
but  if  I  gets  well,  dat  nigger  must  take  care." 


A  plain  -  spoken  preacher  delivered  the  following  from 
his  desk : 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


183 


"  I  would  announce  to  the  congregation  that,  probably 
by  mistake,  there  was  left  at  the  meeting  -  house  this  morn- 
ing a  small  cotton  umbrella,  much  damaged  by  time  and 
tear,  and  of  an  exceedingly  pale  blue  color  ;  in  the  place 
whereof  was  taken  a  very  large  black  silk  umbrella  of 
great  beauty.  Blunders  of  this  sort,  my  brethren,  are 
getting  a  little  too  common." 

ENOCH'S  VIOLIN. 

Half  a  century  ago  or  less,  the  pious,  but  sometimes 
facetious.  Dr.  Pond,  dwelt  in  the  quiet  and  out-of-the-way 

village  of  A  ,  in  the  State  of  "  Steady  Habits."  The 

doctor's  ideas  were  liberal  —  much  more  so  than  many  of 
his  congregation  approved  ;  nevertheless,  he  kept  on  the 
even  tenor  of  his  way,  and  disregarded  the  prejudices  of 
some  of  his  people.  He  had  a  son  named  Enoch,  who,  at 
an  early  age,  manifested  a  remarkable  talent  for  music, 
which  the  father  cherished  and  cultivated  with  care.  In 
the  same  village  resided  an  antiquated  maiden  lady,  who, 
having  no  cares  of  her  own  to  occupy  her  time  and  atten- 
tion, magnanimously  devoted  herself  to  those  of  her  neigh- 
bors. One  morning  she  called  at  the  doctor's,  and  requested 
to  see  him.  When  he  entered  the  room  where  she  was 
seated,  he  perceived  at  a  glance  that  something  was  amiss, 
and  before  he  had  time  to  extend  to  her  the  usual  "  How- 
d'ye-do,"  she  began : 

"  I  think.  Doctor  Pond,  that  a  man  of  your  age  and 
profession  might  have  had  something  better  to  do,  when 
you  were  in  New  London  last  week,  than  to  buy  Enoch  a 
fiddle  ;  all  the  people  are  ashamed  that  our  minister  should 
buy  his  son  a  fiddle.  A  fiddle  !  Oh,  dear,  what  is  the  world 
coming  to  when  ministers  will  do  such  things ! " 

r 


184 


WIT   AND  HUMOR. 


"Who  told  you  I  had  bought  Enoch  a  fiddle?"  inquired 
the  doctor. 

*' Who  told  me!  Why,  everybody  says  so,  and  some 
people  have  heard  him  play  on  it  as  they  passed  the  door. 
But  ain't  it  true,  doctor?" 

bought  Enoch  a  violin  when  I  went  to  New  London." 

"A  violin!  what's  that?" 

"Did  you  never  see  one?" 

"Never." 

"Enoch,"  said  the  doctor,  stepping  to  the  door,  "bring 
your  violin  here." 

Enoch  obeyed  the  command,  but  no  sooner  had  he 
entered  with  his  instrument,  than  the  old  lady  exclaimed: 

"La!  now,  there;  why  it  is  sl  fiddle!  " 

"  Do  not  judge  rashly,"  said  the  doctor,  giving  his  son  a 
wink;  "wait  until  you  hear  it." 

Taking  the  hint,  Enoch  played  Old  Hundred.  The  lady 
was  completely  mystified;  it  looked  like  a  fiddle,  but  then 
who  had  ever  heard  Old  Hundred  played  on  the  fiddle!  It 
could  not  be.  So,  rising  to  depart,  she  exclaimed:  "  I  am 
so  glad  I  came  in  to  satisfy  myself.  La!  me;  just  to  think 
how  some  people  will  lie!  " 

A  DEACON'S  LUDICROUS  MISTAKE 
A  funny  Joke^  and  all  the  more  palatable,  as  its  truth 
can  be  vouched  for,  says  a  New  Jersey  paper,  occurred  at 
a  prominent  church  in  that  State.  It  seems  that  a  worthy 
deacon  had  been  very  industrious  in  selling  a  new  church 
book,  costing  seventy-five  cents.  At  the  service  in  ques- 
tion, the  minister,  just  before  dismissing  the  congregation, 
r(^se  and  said:  "All  ye  who  have  children  to  baptize  will 
please  to  present  them  next  Sabbath." 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


185 


The  deacon,  who,  by  the  way,  was  a  little  deaf,  having 
an  eye  on  selling  the  books,  and  supposing  the  pastor  was 
referring  to  them,  immediately  jumped  up  and  shouted  : 
"All  you  who  haven't,  can  get  as  many  as  you  want  by 
calling  on  me,  at  seventy-five  cents  each." 

A  clergyman,  who  had  been  staying  for  some  time  at 
the  house  of  a  friend,  on  going  away,  called  to  him  little 
Tommy,  the  four  -  year  -  old  son  of  his  host,  and  asked  him 
what  he  should  give  him  for  a  present.  Tommy,  who  had 
great  respect  for  the  "  cloth,"  thought  it  was  his  duty  to 
suggest  something  of  a  religious  nature,  so  he  answered, 
hesitatingly  :  "  I-I  think  I  should  like  a  Testament,  and  I 
know  I  should  like  a  pop -gun  !  " 


"Where  was  Bishop  Latimer  burned  to  death  ?"  asked 
a  teacher,  in  a  commanding  voice. 

"Joshua  knows,"  said  a  little  girl  at  the  bottom  of  the 
class. 

"Well,"  said  the  teacher,  "if  Joshua  knows,  he  may 
tell." 

"  In  the  fire,"  replied  Joshua,  looking  very  grave  and 
wise. 

Customer.  "  What  did  you  think  of  the  bishop's  sermon 
on  Sunday,  Mr.  Wigsby  ?  " 

Hair-dresser.  "  Well,  really,  sir,  there  was  a  gent  a-settin^ 
in  front  of  me  as  'ad  his  'air  parted  that  crooked  that  i 
couldn't  'ear  a  word." 

A  BEAUTIFUL  ILLUSTRATION. 
A  Hard  Shell  preacher  wished  to  bring  forth  a  good 
illustration,  as  he  thought,  and  hence  he  took  a  walnut^  as 


186 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


he  called  it,  into  the  pulpit  with  him,  and  something  to 
crack  it  with.  On  holding  it  up,  in  the  course  of  his  ser- 
mon, he  said : 

"My  friends,  you  see  this  walnut  —  well,  this  outer  hull 
here  is  like  the  Methodists,  soft  and  spongy,  with  no 
strength  into  it ;  see,  I  even  break  it  with  my  lingers," 
and  suiting  the  action  to  the  words,  he  disclosed  the  inner 
nut,  and  said :  "  this  is  like  the  Missionary  Baptists,  hard 
and  dry,  with  no  substance  in  it;  but  the  kurnul  —  the 
kurnul,  my  friends,  is  like  the  good  old  primitive,  full  of 
fatness  and  sweetness."  He  then  proceeded  to  crush  the 
"walnut"  and  give  his  hearers  an  ocular  demonstration  of 
his  illustration,  but  behold,  it  was  rotten  ;  and,  to  the  utter 
astonishment  of  his  hearers,  he  cried  out : 

"  By  jinks  !  it's  rotten." 

"But  I  pass,"  said  a  minister  one  Sunday,  in  dismissing 
one  theme  of  his  subject  to  take  another. 

"  Then  I  make  it  spades ! "  yelled  a  man  from  the 
gallery  who  was  dreaming  the  happy  hours  away  in  an 
imaginary  game  of  euchre. 

It  is  needless  to  say  that  he  went  out  on  the  next  deal, 
assisted  by  one  of  the  deacons  with  a  full  hand  of  clubs. 

A  STRANGER  IN  CHURCH. 

A  stranger  wandered  into  a  certain  church  in  this  city 
last  Sunday,  but  the  service  not  being  of  such  a  character 
as  to  agree  with  his  peculiar  temperament,  he  began  to  feel 
nervous  and  fidgety,  and  to  wish  that  he  hadn't  come  in. 
At  last  the  presiding  officer  remarked  that  "they  would 
now  proceed  with  the  ordination  service." 

The  stranger  picked  up  his  hat  and  prepared  to  leave. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


187 


"And,"  continued  the  minister,  "after  that  is  over  there 
will  be  a  big  collation  spread  upstairs,  to  which  all  are 
invited." 

The  stranger  settled  back  into  his  seat,  and  his  hat 
dropped  to  the  floor.  To  his  neighbor,  who  had  been  eye- 
ing him  rather  quizzically,  he  whispered : 

"I'll  see  this  service  out  if  it  breaks  every  bone  in  my 
body."   

"May  I  leave  a  few  tracts?"  asked  a  medical  mission- 
ary of  a  lady  who  responded  to  his  knock. 

"  Leave  some  tracks  ?  Certainly  you  may,"  said  she, 
looking  at  him  most  benignly  over  her  specs.  "Leave 
them  with  the  heels  towards  the  house  if  you  please." 


"  Patrick,"  said  the  priest,  "  how  much  hay  did  you 
steal?" 

"  Well,  I  may  as  well  confess  to  your  riverence  for  the 
whole  stack,  for  I  am  going  after  the  rest  to-night." 


"  Sister,  are  you  happy  ?  " 

"Yes,  deacon,  I  feel  as  though  I  was  in  Beelzebub's 
bosom." 

"Not  in  Beelzebub's?" 

"Well,  in  some  of  the  patriarchs  ;  I  don't  care  which  !" 

HE  OFFICIATED  IN  THE  PULPIT. 

"Mr.  Smith,  you  said  you  once  officiated  in  a  pulpit; 
do  you  mean  by  that,  that  you  preached  ?  " 

"  No,  sir ;  I  held  the  light  for  the  man  that  did." 

"Ah,  the  court  understood  you  diflferently.    It  supposed 
that  the  discourse  came  from  you." 
I 


188 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"  No,  sir ;  I  only  throwed  a  light  on  it." 
"No  levity,  Mr.  Smith.    Crier,  wipe  your  nose,  and  call 
on  the  next  witness." 

A  German  Jew  was  eating  a  pork-chop  in  a  thunder- 
storm. On  hearing  an  unusually  loud  clap,  he  laid  down 
his  knife  and  fork  and  observed  : 

"  Veil,  did  any  poty  efer  hear  such  a  fuss  apout  a  little 
biece  of  bork  ?  " 

BIG  WORDS. 

Big  words  pass  for  sense  wnth  some  people,  and  some- 
times may  be  very  successfully  employed  when  nothing 
else  will  answer.  As  when  a  man,  in  great  alarm,  ran  to 
his  minister  to  tell  him  he  could  see  spots  on  the  sun,  and 
thought  the  world  must  be  coming  to  an  end  : 

"Oh,  don't  be  afraid,"  said  the  good  minister;  "it's 
nothing  but  a  phantasmagoria." 

"  Is  that  all  ? "  said  the  frightened  man  ;  and  he  went 
away  quite  relieved. 

"  I've  know'd  that  mule  for  free  yeahs,  an'  I  don't  tink 

dat  de  animile  would  hurt  a  lam,  cause  "  our  blank  space 

is  where  the  lecture  was  intended  and  the  speaker  forwarded 
to  the  other  side  of  the  fence. 


VERY  DISTANT  RELATIVE. 
Meeting  a  negro  who  was  very  sad,  a  friend  said  : 
"You  have  lost  some  of  your  friends,  I  see  ?" 
"Yes,  Massa,  I'se  a  heap  of  sorrow." 
"  Was  it  a  near  or  a  distant  relative  ?" 
"Well,  purty  distant  —  ^bout  twenty -four  miles^'*  was 
the  reply. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


189 


"Where  are  you  going?"  said  a  young  gentleman  to 
an  elderly  one  in  a  white  cravat,  whom  he  overtook  a  few 
miles  from  Little  Rock. 

"  I  am  going  to  Heaven,  my  son.  1  have  been  on  the 
way  eighteen  years." 

Well,  good-bye,  old  fellow  ;  if  you  have  been  travel- 
ing towards  Heaven  eighteen  years,  and  got  no  nearer  to  it 
than  Arkansas,  I'll  take  another  route." 

"  Caesar,  is  you  a  workin'  man  ?" 

"  Don't  you  see  me  gettin'  away  wid  dis  watermillion  ?" 

"  Jess  so  ;  but  does  you  call  dat  work  ?  " 

"Go  'long,  nigga  ;  don't  you  come  foolin'  'round  a  man 
when  he's  'tendin'  to  busmess^  kase  you  might  get  struck. 
Go  to  de  poor-house  an'  knock  on  de  door,  an'  tell  'em  I 
sent  you  dar ;"  and  he  walked  off,  leaving  Caesar  scooping 
the  works  out  of  the  hull  of  that  watermelon  with  his  left 
paw,  and  hiding  it  under  his  nose. 

NEGRO  PECULIARITIES  — SCENE  :  BROADWAY. 

A  dandy  darkey  is  met  by  a  croney  in  dirty  and  ragged 
clothes : 

Dirty  Darkey.  "Hello,  Franklin  Napoleon,  whar  you 
gwine  all  dressed  up  so  ?  Got  on  your  Forth  ob  July 
clothes,  ain't  you  ?  " 

Dandy  Darky.  "  Don't  spoke  to  me  in  your  workin' 
clothes,  in  Broadway,  when  I'se  all  fixed  up.  I  don't  mind 
it  in  a  back  'treet,  but  here  on  de  promenade,  and  in  de 
day-time,  too,  I  don't  like  it,  Eph,  dat's  a  fac'.  I  t'ank  you 
not  to  accostic  me  agin,  under  sich  sarcumstances." 

Dirty  Darkey.  "Eh  !  You  shut  up  your'n.  Mity  stiff 
wid  your  new  clothes  and  checker  trowsers.    I  cood  dress 


190 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


up  ebery  day,  and  loaf  all  'round  town  all  the  time,  too,  ef 
I  had  a  mudder  to  take  in  washin',  and  lib  on  her  as  you 
do  ;  but  I  hab  had  to  stan'  on  my  own  bottom  eber  sence 
I  was  ten  years  old,  I  hab." 

Dandy  Darkey.  "Yes,  and  you  nebber  got  off  of  it 
yet ;  but  an  empty  barrel  will  always  stay  on  de  end  you 
put  it." 

Dirty  Darkey  (angry).  "  What  you  mean  by  dat  ?  What 
you  stavin^  at  ?  " 

Dandy  Darkey  (perfectly  cool).  "  I  mean  that  you  am 
like  an  empty  barrel,  and  I  belebe  you'll  bust  ef  you  don't 
git  hooped." 

Dirty  Darkey.  "  Maybe  you  kin  hoop  me.  You  had 
better  try  it !  You'll  get  your  eye  bungecL  Mind,  I'll  call 
de  police  ef  you  fool  your  time  around  me." 

Exit  dandy  darkey  in  a  hurry. 


A  colored  philosopher  thus  unburdened  himself  on  one 
of  woman's  weaknesses:  "Jim,  de  men  don't  make  such 
fools  of  demselves  about  women  as  de  women  do  about 
men.  If  women  look  at  the  moon  they  see  a  man  in  it.  If 
dey  hear  a  mouse  nibbling,  it's  a  man  ;  and  dey  all  look 
under  de  bed  de  last  thing  at  night  to  find  a  man.  Why, 
I  neber  look  under  my  bed  to  find  a  woman,  does  you  ?" 


"  Tom,  where  is  that  ten  dollar  counterfeit  bill  you  had 
a  while  ago  ?  " 

*'  Well,  Massa,  I  never  was  pos'tive  about  dat  ar  bill. 
Some  days  I  tink  it  war  a  bad  bill ;  oder  days  I  tink  it  war 
a  good  bill ;  so  one  o'  dem  days  lohen  I  tinks  it  war  a  good 
bill  I  jes^  dun  gone  and  passed  it^'* 


WIT  AND  HUMOR 


191 


A  DARKEY^S  EXPLANATION  OF  TELEGRAPHINa 

"  Now,  you  see,  Sain,  s'pose  da  was  a  dog,  and  dat  dog's 
head  was  in  Hoboken  and  iiis  tail  in  Brooklyn." 
''Go  'way,  da  ain^t  no  such  dog," 
"  Well,  s'pose  da  was." 
"  Well,  s'pose  da  was." 

"  Well,  den,  de  telegram  is  jest  like  dat  dog.    If  I 
pinch  dat  dog's  tail  in  Brooklyn,  what  he  do  ?" 
Dunno." 

Why,  if  I  pinch  dat  dog's  tail  in  Brooklyn,  he  go  bark 
in  Hoboken.    Dat's  the  science  of  it." 


BOILED  DEM  FIVE  HOURS. 

A  story  is  told  of  a  negro  in  Virginia,  whose  master 
threatened  to  give  him  a  flogging,  if  he  boiled  his  eggs 
hard  again.  Next  morning  the  eggs  came  to  the  table  still 
harder  than  before. 

"You  rascal  !"  shouted  the  enraged  planter, didn't  I 
tell  you  to  cook  them  eggs  soft  ?  " 

"  Yes,  massa,"  said  the  frightened  slave,  "  an'  I  got  up 
at  two  o'clock  dis  mornin',  an'  biled  them  five  hours,  an' 
it  seems  to  me  as  if  I  never  kin  get  dese  eggs  softer !  " 


A  FUNXY  TvTTSTAKE 

Old  negro  slumbering  with  his  feet  pointing  to  a  glim- 
mering fire.  Opens  one  eye  and  gets  a  glimpse  of  them 
as  they  stand  up  in  the  obscurity.  Mistakes  them  for  two 
little  negroes,  and  cries  :  "Gif  fum  'fore  me,"  and  relapses 
into  sleep.  After  awhile  opens  the  other  eye,  and  still  see- 
ing the  intruders,  says :  "  Gif  'fum  'fore  me,  I  say  ;  I  kick 
you  in  the  fire  if  you  don't  ;  I  will  shu'  —  "  and  again  he 

13 


192 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


snores.  His  dreams  not  being  pleasant,  he  soon  opens  both 
eyes,  and  still  seeing  the  little  pests,  he  draws  up  his  foot 
for  the  threatened  kick,  but  is  alarmed  to  see  the  enemy 
advance  upon  him,  and  exclaims  :  "  Wha'  where  you  comin' 
to  now  ?  Humph  !  my  own  feet,  by  golly  ! " 


"  Sampson,  did  you  ever  go  to  a  military  ball  ?  " 

"  No,  my  dear,  I  had  a  military  ball  come  to  me,  and 
what  do  you  tink,  it  took  my  leg  off.  Since  den  I've  been 
down  on  balls.    Why,  does  you  ever  go  to  balls  ?  " 

"Oh,  yes,  I've  bin  to  three  balls  dis  winter,  already. 

"  Where  at  ?  " 

"  Simpson,  the  pawnbroker's." 


DERE'S  A  HEAP  O'  DIFFERENCE. 

"  Sambo,  what's  your  opinion  ^  traveling  by  railway 
and  steamboat  ?"  • 

Now  you're  talkin',  boss  !  Good  gracious  !  1  tole  you 
dere's  a  heap  o'  difference.  When  youse  on  de  railroad 
and  an  axident  happens,  you're  right  dar  ;  but  when  youse 
on  de  steamboat  and  she  busts  and  blows  up,  whar  are  you? 
dat's  the  question.    I  tell  you,  boss,  you're  no  whar  !  " 


A  NIGGER  ON  A  STUMP. 

Tim  Wilson  was  one  of  the  best  pilots  on  the  Mississippi, 
but  proud  and  cranky.  He  had  the  misfortune  to  run  his 
boat  smack  up  against  the  bank  one  morning,  in  a  dense 
fog,  and  could  see  only  a  little  nigger  sitting  on  a  stump, 
munching  corn  ])read. 

"  Whose  place  is  this  ?  "  cried  the  pilot. 

"  Massa's,"  cried  the  nigger. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


193 


"  Well,  who's  your  master  ?  " 

"  Why,  de  gemman  what  owns  the  place,"  answered  the 
little  fellow. 

"  You  rascal  !  "  roared  the  pilot,  "  I'd  crop  your  ears  off 
if  I  had  you  here  !  " 

"  Yes,  but  you  ain't  got  me  dar,"  shouted  the  little  nig-, 
as  the  pilot  backed  out  and  escaped  from  the  shore  and  tlie 
wit  of  the  boy. 

A  SHARP  OLD  COLORED  WOMAN. 

A  hater  of  tobacco  asked  an  old  negro  woman,  the 
fumes  of  whose  pipe  were  annoying  to  him,  if  she  thought 
she  was  a  Christian. 

"  Yes,  brudder,  I  spects  I  is." 

"  Do  you  believe  in  the  Bible  ?  " 

"  Yes,  brudder." 

"  Do  you  know  that  ^ere  is  a  passage  in  the  Scriptures 
that  declares  that  nothing  unclean  shall  inherit  the  king- 
dom of  Heaven  ?  " 

"  Yes,  I've  heard  of  it." 

"  Well,  Chloe,  you  smoke,  and  you  can  not  enter  tlie 
kingdom  of  Heaven,  because  there  is  nothing  so  unclean 
as  the  breath  of  a  smoker.    What  do  you  say  to  that  ?" 

"  Why,  I  spects  I  leave  my  brefF  behind  when  I  go  dar." 

HE  WAS  TOO  BUSY. 

"  Jim,  I'm  glad  to  see  you,"  said  one  darkey  to  another  ; 
"  why  don't  you  come  down  and  see  us  ?  " 

"  I'd  like  to,  but  I'm  too  busy  just  now  ;  you  see  we're 
movin'." 

"  Well,  come  down  when  youse  get  fixed  up." 
"  Deed,  Jim,  I'd  like  to  ;  but,  to  tell  the  truff,  I  can't  do 
it ;  we're  movin'." 


194 


WIT  AND  HUMOR 


"  My  golly,  boss,  youse  only  moves  once  a  yeah." 
No,  sah  !   we  moves  ebery  month.    I  tell  you  we're 
movin'  all  de  time." 

"Why,  dat's  funny.    What  you  move  so  often  for  ?" 
"  'Case  we  find  it  cheaper  to  move  dan  pay  de  rent." 


A  Georgia  colored  lyceum  discussed  the  question, 
"Which  is  de  most  useful,  paper  or  gunpowder?"  The 
debate  was  closed  by  a  disputant  who  spoke  as  follows  : 

"  Mr.  President :  S'pose  dar  war  a  bar  at  de  do',  an'  you 
war  to  go  dar  and  shake  de  paper  at  him,  you'd  see  what 
de  bar  would  do.  But  jess  shoot  a  cannon  at  him  and  see 
what  comes.    I  calls  for  de  question." 

The  president  forthwith  decided  in  favor  of  powder. 


STOP  DEM  PUSSONALITIES. 
"Julius,  s'pose  dere  is  six  chickens  in  a  coop,  and  de 
man  sells  three,  how  many  is  dere  left  ?  " 
"What  time  of  day  was  it  ?" 
"  What  has  that  got  to  do  with  it  ?  " 

"A  good  deal.  If  it  was  arter  dark  dere  would  be  none 
left —  dat  is  if  you  happened  to  come  along  dat  way." 

"  Look  heah,  nigga,  stop  dem  pussonalities,  or  I'll  shy  a 
brick  at  dat  head  of  yourn." 


A  SHARP  DARKEY. 
Not  long  since  a  San  Antonio  darkey  did  some  white- 
washing for  a  man  living  in  Ward  No.  5.  On  paying  for 
the  job  the  employer  paid  olf  Mose,  for  that  was  the  dar- 
key's name,  in  Mexican  quarters  at  par.  It  was  several 
days  before  Mose  was  very  much  hurt  about  it.    "  Jest  so 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


195 


think  of  Colonel    cheatin'  dis  hard-working  niggah 

outen  thirty  cents.  Foah  God,  I  wud  neber  hab  believed 
it  on  him.  I  hadn't  orter  tuk  de  job  in  de  fust  place." 
And  then  he  added,  more  cheerfully  :  "  But  ef  I  hadn't 
whitewashed  de  fence  I  neber  would  hab  found  out  whar 
all  dem  chickens  roosted  what  I  sold  next  morning  for  a 
dollar.  De  banks  habn't  cotch  up  wid  dis  nigga  yet,  heah  ! 
heah !  "   

"  Look  here,  Pete,"  said  a  knowing  darkey  to  his  com- 
panion,   don't  stan'  on  de  railroad." 
"  Why,  Joe  ?  " 

"Kase  ef  de  cars  see  dat  mouf  ob  yourn,  dey  will  tink 
it  am  de  depo'  an'  run  rite  in  !  " 


"  Sambo,  dis  am  a  magnificent  day  for  de  race." 

"  What  race,  Pompey  ? 

"  Why,  de  colored  race,  you  stupid  niggao" 


GOING  TO  RESIGN. 

In  Forsyth  one  day  last  week,  a  gentleman,  standing  in 
the  street,  noticed  a  two -mule  wagon  drive  up  to  one  of 
the  stores.  There  was  nothing  peculiar  in  this,  but  what 
particularly  struck  his  attention  was  the  fact  that  the 
driver  —  a  colored  man  —  had  an  exceedingly  lengthy 
pair  of  reins,  and  was  seated  in  the  liindmost  part  of  the 
wagon.  When  the  team  stopped,  the  negro  cautiously 
fastened  the  lines  to  a  standard  and  got  out  over  the  hind 
wheel,  and  made  a  circle  of  forty  or  fifty  feet  to  get  to  the 
heads  of  the  mules.  This  so  excited  the  gentleman's  curi- 
osity that  he  walked  up  and  asked  : 

*'Look  here,  uncle,  you  are  not  crazy,  are  you  ?" 


196 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"  Does  I  look  like  a  crazy  nigger,  Mars  Tom  ?  " 

"  Well,  what  in  the  name  of  common  sense  are  you  cut 
ting  up  these  antics  for  —  walking  almost  twice  around  the 
wagon  to  get  to  your  mules,  and  sitting  on  the  '  gate '  to 
drive  ?  " 

The  negro  looked  at  the  gentleman  a  moment  and  then 
burst  into  an  uncontrollable  fit  of  laughter. 
"  What  the  do  you  mean  ?  " 

"  Mars  Tom,  don't  you  know  dat  oflP  mule  dar  ?  Dat's 
Mars  Tump  Ponder's  roan  mule." 

"  Well,  what  the  mischief  is  the  matter  with  that  mule  ?" 

"Why,  Mars  Tom,  dat  mule  is  a  sight — dat  mule  is. 
She's  the  ong:odliest  mule  in  cra'shun.  She  orot  some  sense 
like  white  folks.  No  nigger  can't  come  foolin'  round  her. 
Only  last  Chuesday  she  kick  a  bre's  pin  off  a  town  merlat- 
ter's  shirt  bozzum.  Trufe,  Mars  Tom.  An'  de  nigger 
don't  know  dat  he  ain't  done  gone  an'  los'  it  himself. 
Why,  Mars  Tom,  when  I  goes  to  hitch  up  dat  mule,  I  has 
to  put  de  harness  on  wid  a  pole,  an'  I  has  to  git  a  new 
pole  ebery  time.  Lemme  play  with  powder  an'  Chrismus 
shooters,  but  don'  gimme  no  roan  mule  !  T  can't  stay  wid 
Mars  Tump  arter  dis  week.  I'm  too  fon'  of  my  fam'ly,  an' 
don't  b'long  to  no  church  nudder." 

/  "  My  brudders,"  said  a  waggish  darkey  to  a  crowd,  "  in 
all  afflictions,  in  all  ob  your  troubles,  dar  is  one  place  you 
can  always  find  sympathy." 

"  Whar,  whar  ?  "  shouted  several  of  his  audience. 

"  In  de  dictionary,"  he  replied,  rolling  his  eyes  skyward. 


A  colored  man  observed,  while  in  conversation  with  a 
friend :  "I  dusn't  b'lieve  in  having  a  pardener  when  you've 


HUNTING  POSSUMS.    Page  207. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


199 


on'y  got  a  small  business.    If  yer  make  enny  thing,  why, 
yer  don't  git  it,  and  if  yer  lose,  yer  have  to  lose  it  all." 
"  Jesso,"  remarked  his  companion. 

A  negro  held  a  cow  while  a  cross-eyed  man  was  to  hit 
her  on  the  head  with  an  ax.  The  negro,  observing  the 
man's  eyes,  in  some  fear  inquired :  "  Is  you  gwine  to  hit 
whar  you  look  ?  " 

"Yes." 

"  Den  hold  the  cow  yourself,"  said  Ouffee. 

The  following  reply  has  been  cited  as  a  specimen  of  the 
sly  humor  of  the  Southern  negro,  when  thinking  of  catch- 
ing a  "brudder  nigga"  on  the  hip  : 

"  Sambo,  w'at  am  your  your  'pinion  ob  rats  ?  " 

"  Wall,  I  t'ink  de  one  dat  has  the  shortest  tail  will  get 
in  de  hole  de  quickest !  E'yah  !  e'yah  !  e'yah  ! " 


CHANGING  HIS  NAME. 

The  other  day  a  young  African  asked  us  if  it  was  "agin 
de  law"  to  change  his  name.  We  replied  that  if  he  had  a 
good  name,  he  had  better  keep  it,  as  a  good  name  was  the 
one  thing  to  be  desired  in  this  world. 

"  I'se  got  a  putty  fa'r  name,"  he  said,  "  w'at  I'se  had 
eber  sence  the  war,  but  it  won't  do  for  dis  chile  any  moah." 

"  Why,  what's  the  matter  with  it  ?  "  we  asked. 

"  Well,  you  see,  boss,  dar's  a  fool  nigger  come  hyar  from 
ChillicofFee,  an'  he's  a-buzzin'  around  with  my  name,  an'  no 
two  niggers  can  circumgate  in  de  same  town  unless  one  or 
de  uder  ob  dem  hab  a  different  procognem." 

"Perhaps  you  can  prevail  on  him  to  adopt  another 
name.'^ 


200 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"  No,  sah  ;  I  offered  him  foah  bits  an'  a  rahsor  to  call 
hisself  somethiii'  else  'sides  Geowge  Washin'ton  Jones,  but 
de  yaller  fool  won't  do  it." 

'^Yellow,  is  he?" 

"Yes,  sah  ;  an'  dat's  what  makes  me  injurious  about  it. 
He  says  de  Joneses  was  de  fastest  family  of  Firginny,  an' 
dat  he's  condescended  in  a  direct  line  from  dem,  an' consa- 
quenchly  darfoah  walues  de  name  moah  exceedingly  dan 
udderwise." 

"  So  you  propose  to  off  with  the  old  name  and  on  with  a 
new  ?" 

"  Somethin'  like  dat,  I  s'pose,  boss.  An'  I  wants  to  ax 
you  de  favor  to  sejest  some  disappropriate  name  dat'll  do 
for  a  cullud  pusson  ob  standin'.  I  don't  soshate  wid  de 
common  low-class  niggers,  and  I  wants  a  name  out  o'  dere 
uncomprehension — w'at  dey  can't  steal,  you  know." 

"How'll  Benedict  iVrnold  do?" 

"  De  Arnold  am  tonish,  for  suah,  but  dar's  too  many 
Benneys  an'  Dicks  around.    Try  anudder  one,  boss." 

"Well,  Algernon  Sartoris,  how's  that?" 

"Dat's  superlagant !  Algerneyman  Sartoris  Arnold  — 
dat'll  do  for  some  ob  de  name.  Please  reach  for  anudder 
one,  sah." 

"Why,  that's  name  enough.  How  much  do  you  want, 
for  P'oodness  sake  ?  " 

o 

"  Boss,  you  must  'member  dat  I'se  deekin  in  the  church, 
an'  'prietor  ob  a  house  an'  lot." 

"  Oh  !  yes  ;  well  —  let's  see  —  Bill  Allen  ?  " 

"  Dat's  too  common." 

"  Abraham  Lincoln  ?  " 

"  Too  ordinary,  sah.    Git  up  higher." 

"Phil.  Sheridan?" 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


201 


Higher  yet,  sah,  if  you  please." 
"  Win.  Tecumseh  Sher — " 

"  Stop,  sah  —  dat's  nuflf  —  needn't  feel  no  furder.  Wil- 
yum  Cherkumsey  —  dat  sounds  like  ole  Kaintuck — Wil- 
yum  Cherkumsey  Algerneyman  Sartoris  Arnold.  Yes,  sah, 
dat'll  do  —  no  low -class  nigger  can  get  inside  o'  dat. 
You'se  de  solum  witness,  boss,  dat  dat's  my  name  from 
hencefo'th  on  to  all  precedin'  time.  I'se  obliged  to  you, 
sah." 

As  he  walked  majestically  away,  repeating  the  name 
over  to  himself,  he  was  the  proudest  nigger  in  Brunswick.. 
And  yet  Shakespeare  says  there's  nothing  in  a  name. 

LEMME  GO. 

The  other  night  a  policeman  grabbed  a  negro  who  came 
running  down  the  street  at  full  speed,  pautiug  like  a  wind- 
broken  horse,  and  the  officer  wanted  to  know  why  and 
wherefore  the  colored  man  was  dusting  around  in  that  lively 
style  at  midnight's  solemn  hour  ? 

"  Wife's  sick  —  gwine  foh  de  doctah  !  "  gasped  the  man. 

"  Where  do  you  live  ?" 
Lemme  go  — can't  stop  —  she's  mose  died  !  "  was  the 
answer. 

Yet,  in  spite  of  this,  the  officer  pushed  the  African  up 
against  a  fence,  and  a  search  brought  to  light  two  chickens, 
a  clothes-line,  a  hatchet,  and  a  pair  of  boots,  the  same 
being  the  property  of  some  other  man. 

YESSUM. 

There  is  one  aged  colored  woman  in  this  town  who  does 
not  believe  in  social  equality,  judging  from  the  way  she 
talks  to  her  son  : 


202 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"  Ephreham,  come  liyar  to  yer  mudder,  boy.  Whar  you 
bin?" 

"I'se  been  playing  wid  de  white  folkses  chilun." 

"You  is,  eh  !  See  hyar,  chile,  3^ou'll  broke  yer  old  mud- 
der's  heart,  and  brung  her  gray  hairs  in  sorro'  to  the  grave 
wid  yer  recklumness  an'  car -rings  on  wid  evil  assosaya- 
shuns.  Hain't  I  raised  yer  up  in  de  way  that  yer  should 
ought  to  go  ?  " 

"Yessum." 

"Habn't  I  reezened  wid  yer  an'  prayed  wid  yer,  and 
deplored  de  good  Lord  to  wrap  yer  in  his  buzzum?" 
"  Yessum." 

"  Habn't  I  taught  yer  to  walk  up  in  the  broad  and 
narrer  path  ?  " 
"  Yessum." 

"An'  isn't  1  yer  nater'l  detector  an'  gwadjeen  fo'  de 
law?" 

"  Yessum." 

"  Well,  den,  do  yer  s'pose  I'se  gwine  to  hab  yer  morals 
rectured  by  de  white  trash  ?  No,  sah  !  Yer  git  in  de  house, 
dis  instep  ;  an'  if  I  ebber  cotch  your  municatin'  w^id  de 
white  trash  any  mo',  fo'  God,  nigga,  I'll  break  yer  black 
head  wid  a  brick  !  " 

"  Yessum." 

A  MYSTERY. 

Two  darkies  had  bought  a  piece  of  pork,  and  Sam,  hav- 
ing no  place  to  put  his  in,  trusted  the  whole  to  Julius' 
keeping.    Next  morning  they  met,  when  Julius  said  : 

"  A  most  strange  thing  happened  at  my  house  last  night, 
Sam.    All  mystery  to  me." 

"  Ah,  Julius,  what  was  dat  ?  " 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


203 


"  Well,  Sam,  this  morniri'  I  went  down  into  the  cellar  to 
get  a  piece  of  pork  for  breakfast,  and  I  put  my  hand  down 
into  the  brine,  and  felt  all  round,  but  no  pork  dere  —  all 
gone  —  couldn't  tell  what  be  went  with  it;  so  I  turned  up 
de  barrel,  and,  Sam,  as  true  as  preachin',  de  rats  eat  a  hole 
clear  fru  de  bottom  ob  de  barrel,  and  dragged  de  pork  all 
out." 

"  Why  didn't  de  brine  run  out  of  de  hole  ?  " 
"Ah,  Sam,  dat  is  de  mystery." 


"I  say.  Sambo,  does  you  know  what  makes  de  corn 
grow  so  fast  when  you  put  de  manure  on  it  ?" 

''No,  I  don't  hardly,  'cept  it  makes  de  ground  «tjK)nger 
for  de  corn." 

"  Now,  I'll  jest  tell  ye.  When  de  corn  begins  to  smell 
de  manure,  it  don't  like  de  'fumery,  so  it  hurries  out  ob  de 
ground  and  gits  up  as  high  as  possible,  so  as  not  to  breathe 
de  bad  air." 


"  Sambo,  whar  you  get  dat  watch  you  wear  to  meetin' 
last  Sunday  ?  " 

"How  do  you  know  I  hab  a  watch  ?" 

"  Kase  I  seed  the  chain  hang  out  ob  your  pocket  in  the 
front." 

"  Go  'way,  nigger,  s'pose  you  see  a  halter  round  my 
neck,  you  think  dar  is  a  hoss  inside  ob  me  ?  " 


THE  VALUE  OF  EDUCATION. 

Jake  was  heard  callino;  across  the  fence  to  his  neiofhbor's 
son,  a  colored  youth,  who  goes  to  school  at  the  Atlanta 
Colored  University  : 

"  Look  hyar,  boy,  you  goes  ter  school,  don't  yer  ?  " 


204 


WIT  AND  HUMOR, 


"  Yes,  sir,"  replied  the  boy. 
"Gittin'  eddykashun,  ain't  yer?" 
"Yes,  sir." 

"  Larniri'  rithmetick  and  figgerin'  on  a  slate,  eh !  " 
"  Yes,  sir." 

"  Well,  it  don't  take  two  whole  days  to  make  an  hour, 
do  it  ?  " 

"  Why,  no  !  "  exclaimed  the  boy. 

"  You  was  gwine  ter  bring  dat  hatchet  back  in  an  hour, 
wasn't  yer  ?  " 
"  Yes,  sir." 

"An'  it's  bin  two  whole  days  since  you  borrowed  it. 
Now,  what  good's  eddykashun  gwine  ter  do  you  thick- 
skulled  niggers,  when  you  go  to  school  a  whole  year  an' 
den  can't  tell  how  long  it  takes  to  fotch  back  a  hatchet  ?" 

The  boy  got  mad  and  slung  the  hatchet  over  the  fence 
and  half-way  through  an  ash-barrel. 

A  Georgia  colored  debating  society  was  lately  discuss- 
ing, "  Which  is  the  best  for  the  laboring  man,  to  work  for 
wages  or  part  of  the  crop  ?  " 

An  old  "uncle"  spoke  the  sense  of  the  meeting  when 
he  said:  "  Bofe  was  de  best,  if  dey  could  only  be  brung 
togedder  somehow." 

A  colored  man  was  once  asked  why  he  did  not  get 
married. 

"  Why,  you  see,  sah,"  said  he,  "  I  got  an  old  mudder, 
an'  I  hab  to  do  for  her,  ye  see,  sah,  an'  if  I  don't  buy  her 
shoes  an'  stockin's  she  wouldn't  get  none.  Now,  ef  I  was 
to  get  married,  I  would  hab  to  buy  dem  tings  for  my  wife, 
an'  dat  would  be  takin'  de  shoes  an'  stockin's  right  out  o' 
my  mudder's  mouf." 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


205 


A  COLORED  DEBATING-SOCIETY. 

The  "Colored  Debating  Society"  of  Mount  Vernon, 
Ohio,  had  some  very  interesting  meetings.  The  object 
of  the  argument  on  a  particular  evening  was  the  settle- 
ment, at  once  and  forever,  of  the  question,  "  Which  am  de 
mightiest,  de  pen  or  de  sword  ?  " 

Mr.  Larkins  said  about  as  follows :  "  Mr.  Chaarman, 
what's  de  use  ob  a  swoard  unless  you's  gwyne  to  waar  ? 
Who's  hyar  dat's  gwyne  to  waar  ?  I  isn't,  Mr.  Morehouse 
isn't,  Mrs.  Morehouse  isn't,  Mr.  Newsome  isn't ;  I'll  bet  no 
feller  wot  speaks  on  the  swoard  side  is  any  ideer  ob  gwyne 
to  waar.  Den,  what's  de  use  ob  de  swoard  ?  I  don't  tink 
dar's  much  show  for  argument  in  de  matter." 

Mr.  Lewman  said :  "  What's  de  use  ob  de  pen  'less  you 
knows  how  to  write  ?  How's  dat  ?  Dat's  what  I  wants  to 
know.  Look  at  de  chillun  ob  Isr'l  —  wasn't  but  one  man 
in  de  whole  crowd  gwine  up  from  Egyp'  to  de  Promis' 
Lan'  cood  write,  an'  he  didn't  write  much.  [A  voice  in  the 
audience,  "Who  wrote  de  ten  comman'ments,  anyhow,  you 
bet."  Cheers  from  the  pen  side.]  Wrote  'em  ?  wrote  'em  ? 
Not  much  ;  guess  not ;  not  on  stone,  honey.  Might  p'r'aps 
cut  'em  wid  a  chisel.  Broke  'em  all,  anyhow,  'fore  he  got 
down  de  hill.  Den  when  he  cut  a  new  set,  de  chillun  ob 
Isr'l  broke  'em  all  again.  Say  he  did  write  'em,  what  good 
was  it  ?  So  his  pen  no  'count  nohow.  No,  saar.  De 
swoard'^s  what  fotched  'em  into  de  Promis'  Lan',  saar. 
Why,  saar,  it's  ridiculous.  Tink,  saar,  ob  David  a-cuttin' 
off  Goliah's  head  wid  a  pe7i^  saar !  De  ideer's  altogedder 
too  'posterous,  saar.  De  sv)oarcI^  saar,  de  siooard  mus'  win 
de  argument,  saar." 

Dr.  Crane  said :  "  I  tink  Mr.  Lewman  a  leetle  too  fas'. 


206 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


He's  a-speakin'  ob  de  times  in  de  dim  pas',  when  de  mind 
ob  man  was  crude,  an'  de  ban'  ob  man  was  in  de  ruff  state, 
an'  not  tone  down  to  de  refinement  ob  cibilized  times.  Dey 
wasn't  educated  up  to  de  use  ob  de  pen.  Deir  ban's  was 
only  fit  for  de  ruff'  use  ob  de  swoard.  Now,  as  de  modern 
poet  says,  our  swoards  rust  in  deir  cubbards,  an'  peas,  sweet 
peas,  cover  de  Ian'.  An'  what  has  wrot  all  dis  change  ? 
De  pen.  Do  I  take  a  swoard  now  to  get  me  a  peck  ob 
sweet  taters,  a  pair  ob  chickens,  a  paii»  ob  shoes  ?  No,  saar. 
I  jess  take  my  pen  an'  write  an  order  for  'em.  Do  I  want 
money  ?  I  don't  git  it  by  de  edge  ob  de  swoard  ;  I  writes  a 
check.  I  want  a  suit  ob  clothes,  for  instance  —  a  stroke 
ob  de  pen,  de  mighty  pen,  de  clothes  is  on  de  way.  I'se 
done." 

Mr.  Newsome  said :  "  Wid  all  due  'spect  to  de  learned 
gemman  dat's  jus'  spoke,  we  mus'  all  agree  dat  for  smoovin' 
tings  off  an'  a-levelin'  tings  down,  dere's  notting  equals  de 
swoard." 

Mr.  Hunnicut  said :  "  I  agrees  entirely  wid  Mr.  New- 
some  ;  an'  in  answer  to  what  Dr.  Crane  says,  I  would  jess 
ask  what's  de  use  ob  drawin'  a  check  unless  you's  got  de 
money  in  de  bank,  or  a-drawin'  de  order  on  de  store  unless 
de  store  truss  you  ?  S'pose  de  store  do  truss,  ain't  it  easier 
to  sen'  a  boy  as  to  write  a  order  ?  If  you  got  no  boy  handy, 
telegraf.  No  use  for  a  pen  —  not  a  bit.  Who  ebber  heard 
of  Mr.  Hill's  pen  ?  Nobody,  saar.  But  his  swoard,  saar — 
(le  swoard  ob  ole  Bunker  Hill,  saar  —  is  known  to  ebbery 
chile  in  de  Ian'.  If  it  hadden  been  for  de  swoard  ob  ole 
Bunker  Hill,  saar,  whaar'd  we  niggers  be  to-night,  saar  ? 
whaar,  saar  ?  Not  hyar,  saar.  In  Georgia,  saar,  or  wuss, 
saar.  No  cullud  man,  saar,  should  ebber  go  back,  saar,  on 
de  swoard,  saar." 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


207 


Mr.  Hunnicut's  remarks  seemed  to  carry  a  good  deal  of 
weight  with  the  audience.  After  speeches  by  a  number 
of  others,  the  subject  was  handed  over  to  the  "committee," 
who  carried  it  out  and  "sot  on  it."  In  due  time  they 
returned  with  the  followin'  decision  : 

"  De  committee  decide  dat  de  swoard  has  de  most  pints 
an'  de  best  backin',  an'  dat  de  pen  is  de  most  beneficial,  an' 
dat  de  whole  ting  is  about  a  stan'-ofF." 


A  ZOOLOGICAL  SIMILITUDE. 

A  planter  in  Virginia,  being  dressed  for  some  special 
occasion,  said  to  Uncle  Ben,  an  old  family  servant : 
"  Uncle  Ben,  how  do  I  look  ?  " 

"  Why,  you  looks  splendid,  master,  splendid.  Why,  you 
look  as  bold  as  a  lion." 

"  What  do  you  know  about  a  lion  ?  You  never  saw 
one." 

"  Why,  yes,  I  did,  master  ;  I've  often  seed  a  lion,  often." 
"Where,  Uncle  Ben?" 

"  Why,  down  on  master  Johnson's  plantation,  they've 
got  a  lion,  and  you  seed  him,  too  ;  I  know  you  has." 

"  Why,  you  old  goose  you,  that  is  not  a  lion  ;  it  is  a 
jackass,  and  they  have  called  him  Lion." 

"Well,  I  don't  care  about  dat  —  I  don't  care  for  dat. 
You  look  just  like  him." 


HUNTING  POSSUMS. 

Two  darkeys  in  the  West  went  out  to  hunt  possums, 
and,  by  accident,  found  a  large  cave  with  a  small  entrance. 
Peeping  in,  they  discovered  three  young  bears  whelped  in 
the  interior. 

14 


208 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"  Look  heah,  Sam,  while  I  go  in  dar  and  gets  de  young 
bars,  you  just  watch  heah  for  the  ole  bar." 

Sam  got  asleep  in  the  sun,  and  when  opening  his  eyes 
he  saw  the  old  bear  scouring  her  way  into  tlie  cave.  Quick 
as  wink  he  caught  her  by  the  tail,  and  held  on  like  blazes. 

"  Hello,  dar,  Sam,  what  dark  the  hole  dar  ?" 
Lor'  bless  you.  Jumbo,  save  yourself,  honey  ;  if  dis  tail 
comes  out,  yo'll  find  what  dark  de  hole." 

NEVER  'SPECTED  TO  SEE  DAT. 

A  drag,  driven  by  an  elegantly  attired  lady,  with  a  trim 
and  neatly  dressed  colored  boy  perched  on  the  footman's 
seat  behind,  was  passing  through  the  street,  when  it  was 
espied  by  an  old  negro  woman. 

"  Bress  de  Lord  !  "  she  exclaimed,  raising  her  hands  as 
she  spoke.  "  Bress  de  Lord  !  I  never  'spected  to  see  dat. 
Wonder  what  dat  young  cuUud  gemman  pays  dat  young 
white  'oman  for  drivin'  dat  kerridge  ?  I  know'd  it'd  come, 
but  never 'spected  to  lib  to  see  it.  Dis  nigga's  ready  to  go 
'way  now." 

JONAH  AND  THE  WHALE. 

A  young  gentleman  of  this  city,  in  whom  we  have  the 
most  perfect  confidence,  gives  us  the  following  conversa- 
tion, which  he  overheard  between  two  colored  citizens  the 
other  evening,  as  he  was  returning  from  prayer-meeting : 

"  Sam,  do  you  know  Jonah  ?" 

"Jonah!    Who  is  he?" 

"  Why,  Jonah  dat  swallowed  de  whale  ;  don't  you  know 
him?" 

"Why,  darn  his  big-moufed  soul,  was  he  from  Fir- 
ginny?" 


WIT  AND  HUMOK. 


209 


"Of  course  he  was  from  Firginny." 

"  Well,  the  Firginians  always  were  bad  on  fish.'' 


HOLE  ON  DAR,  BOSS. 

An  emigration  agent  accosted  an  old  negro  in  Columbus, 
Georgia,  the  other  day  :  "  1  say,  old  man,  don't  you  want 
to  make  some  money  ?  " 

"  Dat's  jest  what  I'm  searchin'  roan'  fer,  boss.  I  hungry 
right  now." 

"Well,  in  Mississippi  the  planters  are  paying  mighty 
high  prices  for  good  work  hands,  and  if  you  "  — 

"Hole  on  dar,  boss.  Jes'  wait.  I'm  a  Middle  Georgia 
nigger.  I  done  been  out  dar.  Pm  a  good  wuk  han'  too.  I 
wuk  myself  out  dar,  and  then  I  turn  roun'  an'  wuk  myself 
back  again,  an'  right  here  I'm  gwine  ter  stay,  if  the  Lord 
spars  mo.  When  I  dies,  I  wants  ter  have  a  stomich  spang 
full  o'  bread  and  meat,  an'  I  wants  ter  be  berried  in  a 
seminary  whar  I'm  'quainted  with  der  folks." 


DELIRUM  TREMENDUS. 

A  negro  was  brought  up  before  the  mayor  for  stealing 
chickens. 

"  Well,  Toby,"  said  his  honor,  "  what  have  you  to  say 
for  yourself  ? " 

"  Nuffin  but  dis,  boss:  I  was  crazy  when  I  stole  dat  ar' 
pullet,  coz  I  might  have  stole  a  big  rooster,  and  never  done 
it.  Dat  shows  'clusively  to  my  mind  dat  I  was  laboring 
under  delirum  tremendus." 


At  the  marriage  of  an  Alabama  widow,  one  of  the 
servants  was  asked  if  his  master  would  take  a  bridal  tour : 


210 


WIT   AND  HUMOR. 


"  Dunno,  sah  ;  when  old  massa's  first  wife  was  alive,  he 
took  a  paddle  to  her ;  dunno  if  he  take  a  bridal  to  de  new 
one  or  not !  " 

An  up-town  man,  who  believes  in  self-improvement, 
suggested  to  his  wife  recently  that  they  should  argue  some 
question  frankly  and  freely  every  morning,  and  try  to  learn 
more  of  each  other.  The  question  for  the  first  night  hap- 
pened to  be,  "  Whether  a  woman  could  be  expected  to  get 
along  without  a  hat,"  and  he  took  the  affirmative  ;  but 
when  he  was  last  seen,  he  had  climbed  up  into  the  hay-loft 
and  was  pulling  the  ladder  up  after  him. 


A  man  in  Michigan  swapped  his  horse  for  a  wife.  An 
old  bachelor  acquaintance  said  he'd  bet  there  was  some- 
thinor  wronoc  with  the  horse,  or  its  owner  would  never  have 
fooled  it  away  in  that  reckless  manner. 


The  second  night  after  her  first  husband  died,  she  sat  by 
the  open  chamber  window  five  hours  waiting  for  the  cats 
to  begin  fighting  in  the  back  yard.  She  said  :  "This  thing 
of  going  to  sleep  without  a  quarrel  of  some  kind  is  so  new 
that  I  can't  stand  it !  Let  me  alone  till  they  begin  ;  then 
1  can  doze  off  gently  !  " 

TEXAS  COURTSHIP. 

He  sat  one  side  the  room  in  a  big  white-oak  rocking- 
chair  ;  she  on  the  other  side  in  a  little  white-oak  rocking- 
chair.  A  long-eared  deerhound,  snapping  at  flies,  was  by 
his  side  ;  a  basket  of  sewing  by  hers.  Both  rocked  inces- 
santly—  that  is,  the  young  people,  not  the  dog  and  basket. 
He  sighs  heavily,  and  looks  out  the  west  window  at  a  crape 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


211 


myrtle  tree  ;  she  sighs  lightly,  and  gazes  out  the  east  win- 
dow—  at  the  turnip  patch.    At  last  he  remarks  : 
This  is  mighty  good  ^veather  to  pick  cotton." 

"'Tis  that,  if  we  only  had  any  to  pick." 

The  rockino-  continues. 

o 

"  What's  your  dog's  name  ?  " 
"  Coony." 

"  What  is  he  good  fur  ?  " 

"  What  is  who  good  fur  ?"  said  she,  abstractedly. 

"  Your  dog,  Coony." 

"  For  ketchin'  possums." 

Silence  for  half  an  hour. 

"  He  looks  like  a  deer  dog." 

"  Who  looks  like  a  deer  dog  ?" 

"  Coony." 

"He  is — but  he's  kinder  bellowed  an'  gettin' old  an' 
slow  now.    An'  he  ain't  no  'count  on  a  cold  trail." 

In  the  quiet  ten  minutes  that  ensued  she  took  two 
stitches  in  her  quilt  —  it  was  a  gorgeous  affair,  that  quilt 
was,  made  by  the  pattern  called  "Rose  of  Sharon."  She  is 
very  particular  about  the  nomenclature  of  her  quilts,  and 
frequently  walks  fifteen  miles  to  get  a  new  pattern^  with  2 
"  real  putty  name." 

"  Your  ma  raisin'  many  chickings  ?  " 

"  Forty  odd." 

Then  more  rocking,  and  somehow,  after  awhile,  the  big 
rocking-chair  and  the  little  rocking  -  chair  were  jammed 
side  by  side. 

"  How  many  has  your  ma  got  ?  " 

"  How  many  what  ?  " 

"Chickens!" 

"  Nigh  on  to  a  hundred." 
J 


212 


WIT    AND  HUMOR. 


By  this  time  the  chairs  are  so  close  together  that  rocking 
is  impossible. 

"  The  minks  has  eat  all  ours." 

Then  a  long  sibnce  reigns.    At  last  he  observes : 

"  Makin'  quilts?" 

"Yes,"  she  replies,  brightening  up,  "IVe  just  finished  a 
'  Roarin'  Eagul  of  Brazeel,'  a  '  Sitting  Sun,'  and  a  '  Nasion's 
Pride.'  Have  you  ever  saw  the  '  Yellow  Rose  of  the 
Parary  ? ' " 

"No" 

More  silence  ;  then  he  says  : 
"  Do  you  love  cabbage  ?  " 
"  I  do  that." 

Presently  his  hand  is  accidentally  placed  on  hers.  She 
does  not  know  it  —  at  least  does  not  seem  to  be  aware  of 
it.  Then  after  a  half  hour  spent  in  sighs,  coughing,  and 
clearing  of  throats,  he  suddenly  says : 

"  Pse  a  great  a -mind  to  bite  you." 

"  What  you  great  a  -  mind  to  bite  me  fur  ?  " 

"  Kase  you  won't  have  me." 

"  Kase  you  ain't  axed  me." 

"  Well,  now,  I  ax  you. 

"  Then,  now,  you  has  me." 

Then  Coony  dreams  he  hears  a  sound  of  kissing. 
The  next  day  the  young  man  goes  to  Tigerville  after  a 
marriage  license.    Wednesday,  the  following  week. 
No  cards. 

A  father,  in  consoling  his  daughter,  who  had  lost  her 
husband,  said  :  "I  don't  wonder  you  grieve  for  him,  my 
child ;  you  will  never  find  his  equal." 

"I  don't  know  as  1  can,"  responded  the  sobbing  widow ; 
"butrU  do  my  best."    Tiie  father  felt  comforted. 


WIT   A.ND  HUMOR. 


213 


SOMEWHAT  MIXED. 

"  What's  the  matter  ?  " 
"  Sam,  who  am  I  ?  " 

"  Why,  you  are  yourself — Bob  Harrison,  ain't  you 

"  No,  far  from  it," 

"  Why,  what's  the  matter  ?  " 

"  Well,  sir,  I  am  so  mixed  up  I  don't  know  who  I  am.'' 

Don't  take  it  so  hard  to  heart." 
"  1  can't  help  it." 
"Well,  sir,  what's  the  matter  ?" 
"  Why,  I  am  married." 

"  Married  !    Why,  sir,  you  should  be  happy." 
"Yes,  but  I  ain't." 

"  Why,  all  married  men  are  supposed  to  be  happy," 
"  Yes,  but  how  many  are  so  ?  " 

"  Well,  sir,  as  I  said  before,  don't  take  it  so  hard ;  tell 
us  all  about  it," 

"  Well,  Sam,  I'll  tell  you  how  it  is.  You  see  I  married 
a  widow,  and  this  widow  had  a  daughter." 

"  Oh,  yes,  I  see  how  it  is  ;  you  have  been  making  love 
to  the  daughter" 

"  No ;  worse  than  that !  You  see  my  father  was  a 
widower,  and  married  that  daughter  ;  so  that  makes  my 
father  my  son-in-law,  don't  it  ?  " 

" Well,  is  that  all?" 

"  No ;  I  only  wish  it  was.  Don't  you  see,  my  step- 
daughter is  my  step-mother,  ain't  she  ?  Well,  then,  her 
mother  is  my  grandmother,  ain't  she  ?  I  am  married  to 
her,  ain't  I  ?  So  that  makes  me  my  own  grandfather 
doesn't  it?" 

You  would  be  very  pretty  indeed,"  said  a  gentleman 


214 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


patronizingly  to  a  young  lady,  *'  if  your  eyes  were  only  a 
little  larger." 

"  My  eyes  may  be  very  small,  sir,"  retorted  the  young 
lady,  "  but  such  people  as  you  don't  fill  them." 


A  stupid  young  man,  supposed  to  be  cracked -brained, 
who  was  slighted  by  the  girls,  very  modestly  asked  a  young 
lady,    if  she  would  let  him  spend  the  evening  with  her  ?  " 

"  No,"  she  angrily  replied,  "  that's  what  I  won't." 

"  Why,"  replied  he,  "  you  needn't  be  so  funny  ;  I  didn't 
mean  this  evening,  but  some  stormy  one  when  I  can't  go 
anywhere  else." 

"  WA'AL,  NOW  !  " 

A  well-known  citizen  of  Hartford,  Connecticut,  a  few 
days  ago,  had  taken  his  seat  in  the  afternoon  train  for 
Providence,  when  a  small,  weazened- faced,  elderly  man, 
having  the  appearance  of  a  well-to-do  farmer,  came  into 
the  car,  looking  for  a  seat.  The  gentleman  good-naturedly 
made  room  for  him  by  his  side,  and  the  old  man  looked 
over  him  from  head  to  foot. 

"Going  to  Providence?"  he  said,  at  length. 

"  No,  sir,"  the  stranger  answered,  politely  ;  "  I  stop  at 
Andover." 

"  I  want  to  know !     I  belong  out  that  way  myself. 
Expect  to  stay  long  ?  " 
"  Only  over  night,  sir." 
A  short  pause. 

"  Did  you  cal'late  to  put  up  at  the  tavern  ?  " 
"No,  sir  ;  I  expect  to  stop  with  Mr.  Skinner." 
"What,  Job  Skinner's  ?  —  Deacon  Job  —  lives  in  a  little 
brown   house   on   the   old  'pike  ?     Or,  mebbe,  it's  his 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


215 


brother's?  Was  it  Tim  Skinner's  —  Squire  Tim's  —  where 
you  was  goin'?" 

"Yes,  it  was  Squire  Tim's,"  said  the  gentleman,  smiling. 

"Dew  tell  if  you  are  goin'  there  to  stop  over  night. 
Any  connection  of  his'n?" 

"  No,  sir." 

"  Well,  now,  that's  curus  !  The  old  man  ain't  got  into 
any  trooble,  nor  nothin',  has  he  ? "  lowering  his  voice  ; 
"ain't  goin'  to  serve  a  writ  onto  him,  be  ye  ?" 

"  Oh,  no,  nothing  of  the  kind." 

"  Glad  on't.  No  harm  in  askin',  I  s'pose.  I  reckon 
Miss  Skinner's  some  connection  of  yourn  ?" 

"No,"  said  the  gentleman.  Then,  seeing  the  amused 
expression  on  the  faces  of  two  or  three  acquaintances  in 
the  neighboring  seats,  he  added  in  a  confidential  'tone  :  "  I 
am  going  to  see  Squire  Skinner's  daughter." 

"  Law  sakes  !  "  said  the  old  man,  his  face  quivering  with 
curiosity.  "  ThaCs  it,  is  it,  I  want  to  know  ?  Goin'  to  see 
Mirandy  Skinner,  be  ye  ?  Well,  Mirandy's  a  nice  gal  — 
kinder  humbly,  and  long  favored,  but  smart  to  work,  they 
say,  and  T  guess  you're  about  the  right  age  for  her  too. 
Kep'  company  together  long  ?" 

"  I  never  saw  her  in  my  life,  sir." 

"  How  you  talk.  Somebody's  gin  her  a  recommend,  T 
s'pose,  and  you're  gin'  clear  out  there  to  take  a  squint  at 
her.  Wa'al,  I  must  say  there's  as  likely  gals  in  Andover 
as  Mirandy  Skinner.  I'^oe  got  a  family  of  grown  -  up  dar- 
ters myself.  Never  was  married  afore,  was  ye  ?  Don't 
see  no  weed  on  yur  hat." 

"  I  have  been  married  about  fifteen  years,  sir.  I  have  a 
wife  and  five  children."  And  then,  as  the  long  restrained 
mirth  of  the  listeners  of  this  dialogue  burst  forth  at  the 

10 


216 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


old  man's  opened  -  mouthed  astonishment,  he  hastened  to 
explain :  "  I  am  a  doctor,  my  good  friend,  and  Squire 
Skinner  called  at  my  office  this  morning,  to  request  my 
professional  services  for  his  sick  daughter." 

"  Wa'al,  now !  "  And  the  old  man  here  waddled  off 
into  the  next  car. 


Angelina.  "  George,  which  do  you  think  are  the  worst 
about  a  flower  garden,  worms  or  small  birds  ?  " 

George  (stupidly,  dreaming  of  his  dear  Angy).  "  Really 
I  don't  know  —  I  never  had  the  worms."  A  blush —  and 
then  he  sees  his  mistake. 


A  minister,  whil-e  marrying  a  couple  of  his  rustic  par- 
ishioners, felt  exceedingly  disconcerted  on  his  asking  the 
bridegroom,  if  he  were  willing  to  take  the  woman  for  his 
wedded  wife,  by  the  would  •  be  Benedict  scratching  his 
head  and  saying : 

"  Ay,  I'm  wullin',  but  I'd  rather  hae  her  sister." 


A  Chicago  German,  who  got  excited  over  an  account  of 
an  elopement  of  a  married  woman,  exclaimed  :  "  If  my  vife 
runs  away  mit  anoder  man's  vife,  I  vill  shake  him  out  of 
her  preeches,  if  he  be  mine  fodder,  so  help  me  gracious !  " 


MEANT  TO  GET  BLIND  DRUNK. 

"Sam,  did  —  did  (hie)  you  see  anything  of  my  wife?" 
"  I  have  not  the  honor  of  knowing  your  wife,  sir." 
"  Don't  apologize,  Sam,  don't  apo  -  apo  —  hie  !  —  logize. 
It  —  it's  no  honor  whatever.    Didn't  see  her  ?" 
"  I  did  not." 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


217 


"How  yer  know  yer  didn't?  She  —  she's  as  tall  as  a 
(hie)  meetin'- house,  and  broad  as  a  lamp -post,  a -and  she 
wears  a  gingham  umbereller  and  one  eye  out,  and  (hie)  her 
nose  was  done  up  in  a  pair  of  specs.    Didn't  see  her?" 

"  No,  sir  !  "  (emphatically.) 

"That's  all  right,  Sam,  that's  all  right.  M-m-merely 
asked  for  frinfanmashun.  She  (hie)  she  said  she  was  goin' 
to  join  a  soryory-sis,  and  if  she  does  I  mean  to  get  stavin'- 
blind  drunk.     WouldnH  you  f'^'^ 

Sam  counseled  the  unfortunate  Benedict  to  remain 
sober,  and  hastened  on  his  way. 


An  Irish  coachman,  driving  past  some  harvest  fields, 
during  Summer,  addressing  a  smart  girl  engaged  in  sheav- 
ing, exclaimed :  "  Arrah,  me  darling,  I  wish  I  was  in  jail 
for  stealing  ye  !  " 

PERHAPS  WE'D  BETTER  WAIT  AWHILE. 

A  young  clergyman,  at  the  first  wedding  he  ever  had, 
thought  it  was  a  very  good  time  to  impress  upon  the  couple 
before  him  the  solemnity  of  the  act. 

"  I  hope,  Dennis,"  he  said  to  the  coachman,  with  his 
license  in  his  hand,  "you  have  well  considered  this  solemn 
step  in  life." 

"  I  hope  so,  your  riverence,"  answered  Dennis. 

"  It's  a  very  important  step  you're  taking,  Mary,"  said 
the  minister. 

"Yes,  sir,  I  know  it  is,"  replied  Mary,  whimpering* 
"Perhaps  we  had  better  wait  awhile." 

"Perhaps  we  had,  your  riverence,"  chimed  in  Dennis. 

The  minister,  hardly  expecting  such  a  personal  appli- 
cation of  his  exhortation,  and  seeing  the  marriage-fee 


218 


WIT    AND  HUMOR. 


vanishing  before  his  eyes,  betook  himself  to  a  more  cheer- 
ful aspect  of  the  situation,  and  said  : 

"Yes,  of  course,  it's  solemn  and  important,  you  know, 
but  it's  a  very  happy  time,  after  all,  when  people  love  each 
other.    Shall  we  go  on  with  the  service  ?  " 

"  Yes,  your  riverence,"  they  both  replied,  and  they  were 
soon  made  one  in  the  bonds  of  matrimony  ;  and  that  young 
minister  is  now  very  careful  how  he  introduces  the  solemn 
view  of  marriage  to  timid  couples. 


"  Yes,  Job  suffered  some,"  said  an  Iowa  farmer,  "  but  he 
never  knew  what  it  was  to  have  his  team  run  away  and  kill 
his  wife  right  in  the  best  season,  when  hired  gals  want 
three  dollars  a  week." 


Twenty  ladies  voted  on  the  question,  "  Has  a  young 
lady  the  right  to  kiss  a  gentleman  with  whom  she  takes  an 
evenino'  drive  ? "  There  were  nineteen  affirmative  votes. 
The  negative  vote  was  cast  by  a  woman  with  red  hair  and 
a  glass  eye. 

DOUBLE  IT. 
A  Western  man  writes  : 

"  When  the  law  of  our  State  required  parties  wishing  to 
be  married  to  get  a  license  from  the  county  clerk,  an  Irish- 
man, evidently  of  full  age,  applied  for  the  writ  of  execution. 
After  the  clerk  had  put  the  usual  questions  as  to  his  native 
place,  occupation,  etc.,  he  asked : 

"'Will  you  swear  that  you  are  twenty-one  years  old?' 

"'Faith  and  I  will  do  that  same,'  said  Jemmy. 

"'And  Bridget,'  said  the  clerk — 'will  you  swear  that 
she  is  twenty-one  ?' 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


219 


"  Jemmy  straightened  up,  and,  looking  somewhat  indig- 
nant, replied  : 

"'Sure  an'  I  can  swear  she's  double  it ! ' 

"He  got  his  license  and  hastened  off  to  his  waiting 
bride." 


"LONELY  TO-NIGHT,  LOYE.'» 

Husband  (traveling). —  Scene  I  —  Room  in  hotel.  Spit- 
toons full  of  cigar  stumps.  Bourbon  whisky.  All  hands 
equipped  for  a  night's  spree.  Husband  in  a  hurry  to  be 
off,  writing  home  : 

Dearest  Susie  :  My  time  is  so  occupied  with  business 
that  I  can  hardly  spare  a  moment  to  write  to  you.  Oh  ! 
darling,  how  I  miss  you  !  and  the  only  thing  that  sustains 
me  during  my  absence  is  the  thought  that  every  moment 
thus  spent  is  for  the  benefit  of  my  dear  wife  and  children. 
Take  good  care  of  yourself,  my  dear.  Feed  the  baby  on 
one  cow's  milk.    Excuse  haste,  etc. 

Wife  (at  home). —  Scene  II  —  Parlor.  All  the  gas  lit. 
Thirteen  grass- widows  ;  BVed,  from  around  the  corner,  with 
his  violin  ;  Jim,  from  across  the  way,  with  his  banjo  ;  Jack, 
from  above,  with  his  guitar ;  Sam,  from  below,  with  his 
flute  ;  lots  of  other  fellows,  with  their  instruments  Danc- 
iiig-  and  singing  ;  sideboard  covered  with  nuts,  fruits,  cake, 
cream,  wine,  whisky,  etc.  Wife,  in  a  hurry  to  dance, 
waiting  to  her  husband  : 

Dear  Hubby  :  How  lonesome  I  feel  in  your  absence  ! 
The  hours  pass  tediously.  Nobody  calls  on  me,  and  I  am 
constantly  thinking  of  the  time  when  you  will  be  home, 
and  your  cheerful  countenance  light  up  the  routine  of 
every-day  life.  My  household  duties  keep  me  constantly 
employed.    I  am  living  as  economical  as  possible,  knowing 


220 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


that  your  small  income  will  not  admit  of  frivolous  expense. 
But  now,  dear,  I  will  say  good-bye,  or  I  will  be  too  late  for 
the  monthly  concert  of  prayer.    In  haste,  yours,  etc. 


A  Green  Bay  woman,  whose  husband  kicks  her  down 
stairs  every  night,  says  she  likes  to  look  over  his  old  letters 
commencing  with  "  My  dearest,  darling,  little  angel,  Minnie, 
Heaven  alone  knows  the  depth  of  my  love  for  you." 


An  Iowa  woman  gave  her  husband  morphine  to  cure 
him  of  chewing  tobacco.  It  cured  him,  but  she  is  doing 
her  own  Spring  plowing. 


That  was  a  wise  colored  man  who,  in  speaking  of  the 
happiness  of  married  people,  said : 

"  Dat  ar'  'pends  altogedder  how  dey  enjoy  demselves." 


A  Jersey  man  married  five  widows,  and  they  were  all 
red-headed.  The  same  man  was  once  thrown  one  hundred 
and  fifty  feet  by  an  express  train,  when  he  picked  himself 
up,  looked  around  for  his  hat,  and  remarked :  "  Well,  if  I 
don't  find  that  hat,  I'll  make  the  company  pay  for  it." 


CONNUBIAL  CONFAB. 

"  Arrah,  Pat,  and  why  did  I  marry  ye  ?  jist  tell  me  that 
—  for  it's  meself  that's  had  to  maintain  ye  ever  since  the 
blessed  day  that  Father  O'Flanigan  sent  me  home  to  yer 
house." 

"  Swate  jewul,"  replied  Pat,  not  relishing  the  charge, 
"and  it's  meself  that  hopes  I  may  live  to  see  the  day 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


221 


you're  a  widow,  waping  over  the  cowld  sod  that  covers  me; 
thin,  by  St.  Patrick,  I'll  see  how  ye  will  git  along  widout 
me,  honey." 

"  Love  conquers  all  things,"  eh  ?  Poverty  and  tooth- 
ache will  throw  it  three  times  out  of  four. 


A  female  lecturer  said  :  "  Get  married,  young  men,  and 
be  quick  about  it.  Don't  wait  for  the  millennium  for  the 
girls  to  become  angels.  You'd  look  well  beside  an  angel, 
wouldn't  you,  you  brutes  ?  " 

A  man,  who  was  sentenced  to  be  hung,  was  visited  hy 
his  wife,  who  said :  "  My  dear,  would  you  like  the  children 
to  see  you  executed  ?  " 
No,"  replied  he. 

"  That's  just  like  you,"  said  she,  "you  never  wanted  the 
children  to  have  any  enjoyment." 


MY  WIFE  THINKS  I'M  DRUNK. 

About  two  o'clock  the  other  morning  a  policeman  found 
a  man  sitting  on  the  sidewalk  on  Franklin  Street.  Natu- 
rally, he  asked  what  was  the  matter. 

"Well,"  said  the  man,  sadly,  "my  wife  thinks  I'm  drunk. 
I've  tried  twice  to  get  in  at  the  front  door,  and  she's  put 
me  out  both  times,  and  my  self- respect  won't  allow  me  to 
try  it  again.  So  I'm  waiting  till  she's  quieted  down  a  little, 
and  then  I  think  I  can  crawl  through  the  cellar  window." 

JUST  HIS  LUCK. 

"  You  see,  some  people  has  good  luck,  and  some  people 
has  bad  luck.   Now,  I  remember,  once  I  was  walking  along 


222 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


the  street  with  Tom  Jellecks,  and  he  went  down  one  side 
of  it  and  I  went  down  on  the  other.  We  hadn't  got  more'n 
half  way  down  when  he  found  a  pocket-book  with  two 
hundred  and  sixteen  dollars  in  it,  and  1  stepped  on  a 
woman's  dress  and  got  acquainted  with  my  present  wife. 
It  was  always  so,"  he  said  with  a  sigh,  "that  Tom  Jellecks 
was  the  luckiest  man  in  the  world,  and  I  never  had  no 
luck."   

"  John  Henry,"  said  his  wife,  with  stony  severity,  "  I  saw 
you  coming  out  of  a  saloon  this  afternoon." 

"Well,  madam,"  replied  the  obdurate  John,  "you 
wouldn't  have  me  stay  in  there,  would  you?" 

An  Indiana  man  bet  ten  dollars  that  he  could  ride  the 
fly-wheel  in  a  saw -mill,  and  as  his  widow  paid  the  bet 
she  remarked :  "  William  was  a  kind  husband,  but  he 
didn't  know  much  about  fly-wheels." 

"  I  never  sot  my  mind  to  writin'  poetry  till  two  years 
ago,"  said  a  young  ruralist,  tilting  back  in  a  grocery  chair, 
"  but  the  minute  I  took  to  goin'  with  that  Johnson  girl, 
I  couldn't  help  it." 

ENGAGEMENT  FOR  THE  NEXT  SET. 

A  good  story  is  told  of  a  Bostonian's  first  appearance  in 
polite  society  in  Arkansas.  The  company  were  engaged 
in  dancing,  but  the  loveliest  female  present  occupied  a 
chair  at  the  window,  without  a  partner.  Stepping  up  to 
the  lady  with  a  palpitating  heart,  his  mind  greatly  excited 
for  fear  of  a  refusal,  he  exclaimed : 

"  Will  you  do  me  the  honor  to  grace  me  with  your  com- 
pany for  the  next  set?" 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


223 


Her  lustrous  eyes  shone  with  unwonted  brilliancy,  her 
white,  pearly  teeth  fairly  glistened  in  the  flickering  candle- 
light, her  heaving,  snowy  bosom  rose  and  fell  with  joyful 
rapture,  as  she  replied  : 

"  Yes,  sir-ree  !  for  I've  sot^  and  sot^  and  sot^  till  I  have 
about  tuk  root !  "   

A  bashful  young  man  was  escorting  a  bashful  young 

lady,  when  she  said,  entreatingly  : 

"  Jabez,  don't  tell  anybody  you  beaued  me  home.'' 

"  Don't  be  afraid,"  replied  he,  "  I  am  as  much  ashamed 

of  it  as  you  are." 

A  lively  pupil  at  a  seminary  asked  the  preceptress  for 
permission  to  drive  out  with  a  gentleman. 

"  You  know  the  regulations  of  the  institution,"  was  the 
answer.    "  Is  he  your  father  ?  " 
No." 

"  Is  he  your  brother  ?" 
"  No." 

"  Are  you  engaged  to  him  ?  " 

"  No  ;  but  I  expect  to  be  before  I  get  back." 

That  answer  carried  the  day. 


A  Cairo  man  warns  people  not  to  trust  his  wife,  and  she 
retorts  by  saying  that  he'll  go  without  clothes  all  Summer 
before  she'll  take  in  washing  to  rig  him  out  again. 


INCONSOLABLE  GRIEF. 

We  have  just  met  with  two  or  three  instances  of  incon- 
solable grief,  or  of  remarkable  self-control,  that  deserve  to 
be  registered  for  future  use.    Mr.  Green  sued  a  lady  for 

15 


224 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


breach  of  promise.  Her  friends  offered  to  settle  it  for  two 
hundred  dollars. 

"What!"  cried  Mr.  Green,  "two  hundred  dollars  for 
ruined  hopes,  a  shattered  mind,  a  blasted  life,  and  a  bleed- 
ing heart !  Two  hundred  dollars  for  all  this  !  Never  ! 
never  !  never  !  Make  it  three  hundred^  and  Ws  a  bargain  !  " 

The  other  case  is  of  a  young  widow,  whose  husband  had 
just  been  cut  down  by  the  hand  of  death.  Her  dearest 
female  friend  called  on  her  to  condole  with  her  on  the 
occasion,  and  was  astonished  at  her  composure.  "  You 
must  excuse  me,"  said  the  young  widow,  "  for  not  weeping, 
for  crying  always  makes  my  nose  bleed  !  " 


"It's  a  solemn  thing  to  be  married,"  said  Aunt  Bethany. 
"Yes;  but  it's  a  deal  more  solemn  not  to  be,"  said  the 
little  girl,  her  niece. 

DITTO. 

A  bashful  and  not  over- educated  fellow  went  to  see  his 
girl  the  other  night,  and  as  he  started  av/ay,  he  put  his 
arm  around  her  and  whispered  in  her  ear,  "  Dearest,  I 
love  thee  ; "  and  she  responded  sweetly,  "  Ditto,"  meaning, 
of  course,  a  reciprocation  of  his  tender  passion.  The  young 
man  could  not  find  "  ditto  "  in  his  vocabulary,  and  asked 
his  father,  the  next  day,  as  they  were  hoeing  cabbage,  what 
it  meant. 

The  old  gent  rested  on  his  hoe,  and  pointed  to  the  cab- 
bage in  front  of  him,  with  the  remark  :  "  You  see  that  cab- 
bage?" 

"  Yes,"  responded  the  youth. 

"  And  you  see  the  next  one  there  ?  " 

"Yes." 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


225 


"  Well,  that  is  called  '  ditto.'  " 

"D  her!"   exclaimed  the  impetuous  youth,  "she 

called  me  a  cabbao^e  head." 


HE  DISCARDED  HER. 

"  Why,  Bill,  what's  the  matter  with  you  ?  You  look 
down  in  the  mouth." 

"  Well,  Peter,  I  dare  say  if  you'd  have  gone  through 
what  1  have,  you'd  look  bad  too." 

"  What's  the  matter  ?  " 

"Well,  you  know  Sarah  Snivels,  don't  you,  Peter?" 
Yes." 

"  1  discarded  her  last  night." 
"  You  did  ;  what  for  ?  " 

"  Well,  I'll  tell  you.  She  said  she  wouldn't  marry  me, 
and  I'd  discard  any  girl  that  would  treat  me  in  that  way." 


The  city  editor  of  the  Jacksonville  Journal  says  the 
only  fault  he  has  to  find  with  his  girl  is,  that  she  insists  on 
using  "  black  navy  "  instead  of  fine  cut  tobacco. 


A  good  way  to  find  a  girl  out  is  to  call  when  she  isn't  in. 


"How  is  your  husband  this  afternoon,  Mrs.  Swiggs?" 

"Why,  the  doctor  says  as  how  as  if  he  lives  till  the 
morn  in'  he  shall  have  some  hopes  of  him  ;  but  if  he  don't, 
he  must  give  him  up." 


A  colored  brother's  opinion  :  "  De  women  oughter  work  ; 
dat's  so  ;  for  ef  it  hadn't  been  for  Eve,  we  wouldn't  none 
of  us  ha'  ben  'bleeged  to  work 't  all." 


226 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


DUTCH  HUMOR 

A  German  in  a  Western  town,  who  has  not  paid  much 
attention  to  learning  English,  had  a  horse  stolen  from  his 
barn  the  other  night,  whereupon  he  advertised  as  follows  : 

"Von  nite,  de  oder  day,  ven  I  was  bin  awake  in  my 
shleep,  I  heare  sometings  vat  I  tinks  vas  not  yust  right  in 
my  barn,  an  I  out  shumps  to  bed  and  runs  mit  the  barn 
out ;  and  ven  T  was  dere  coom  I  seez  dat  my  pig  gray  iron 
mare  he  vas  bin  tide  loose  and  run  mit  the  staple  off ;  and 
who  efer  will  him  back  pring,  I  yust  so  much  pay  him  as 
vas  bin  kushtomary." 

A  German  who  had  lived  a  mean  and  niggardly  life, 
died  and  was  being  buried.  Among  the  few  who  attended 
his  funeral  not  one  could  find  a  good  word  to  say  in  his 
praise.  Finally,  an  old  fellow,  who  thought  it  was  a  shame 
that  the  funeral  should  end  without  some  compliment  being 
paid  to  the  memory  of  the  dead,  spoke  as  follows : 

"  Veil,  beoples  may  say  vat  dey  will  about  Hans,  but  ho 
vash  a  goot  schmoker." 

An  old  Dutchman  undertook  to  wallop  his  son,  but  Jake 
turned,  and  walloped  him. 

The  old  man  consoled  himself  for  his  defeat  by  rejoicing 
at  his  son's  superior  manhood.    He  said  : 

"  Veil,  Jake  is  a  schmart  fellow.  He  can  vip  his  own 
taddy."   ' 

A  German  looked  up  at  the  sky  and  remarked  : 

"I  guess  a  leedle  it  vill  rain  somedime  pooty  queek.'' 

"  Yees  do,  eh  ?"  replied  an  Irishman  :     What  business 

have  yees  to  purtend  to  know  about  Ameriken  weather,  ye 

furrin  galoot  ?  " 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


227 


A  NARROW  ESCAPE. 

A  Dutchman  was  relating  Ms.  marvelous  escape  from 
drowning  when  thirteen  of  his  companions  were  lost  by 
the  upsetting  of  a  boat,  and  he  alone  was  saved. 

"  And  how  did  you  escape  their  fate  ?  "  asked  one  of  his 
hearers. 

"  I  tid  not  CO  in  te  blame  pote  ! "  was  the  Dutchman's 
placid  answer. 

"  Py  Schiminy,  how  dot  boy  studies  de  languages  !  "  is 
what  a  delighted  elderly  German  said  when  his  four -year 
old  son  called  him  a  blear-eyed  son  of  a  saw-horse. 


"  How  far  is  it  to  Cub  Creek  ? "  asked  a  traveler  of  a 
Dutch  woman. 

"  Only  shoost  a  little  vays." 

"Is  it  four,  six,  eight,  or  ten  miles?"  impatiently  asked 
the  stranger. 

"  Yas,  I  dinks  it  is,"  serenely  replied  the  unmoved  gate- 
keeper. 

VERY  GOOD  CIDER. 

An  eccentric  German  was  noted  for  making  and  keeping 
good  cider,  and  for  his  extreme  stinginess  in  dispensing  it 
to  his  neighbors  when  they  called  to  see  him.  A  Yankee, 
who  had  heard  of  this,  resolved  to  try  his  hand  on  the  old 
fellow,  and  coax  a  pitcher  of  cider  out  of  him.  He  made 
him  a  call,  and  praised  up  his  farm  and  cattle,  and,  speak- 
ing of  his  fine  orchard,  casually  remarked  : 

"  I  hear,  Mr.  Von  Sam,  that  you  make  excellent  cider." 

"  Yash,  yash,  I  does.    Hans,  bring  some  cider  in  the 


228 


WIT    AND  HUMOR. 


The  Yankee  was  delighted  at  his  success,  and  already 
smacked  his  lips  in  anticipation  of  good  things  to  come. 
Hans  brought  up  a  quart  jug  of  cider,  and  placed  it  on  the 
table  before  his  father.  The  old  farmer  raised  it  with  both 
hands,  and  placing  his  lips  to  the  mouth,  he  drained  it  to 
the  bottom  ;  then,  handing  the  empty  jug  to  the  dry  and 
thirsty  Yankee,  quietly  observed  : 

"  Dare  !  if  you  don't  believe  dat  ish  goot  cider,  shust 
you  shmell  de  shug." 

Two  Germans  met  in  San  Francisco.    After  affectionate 
greeting,  the  following  dialogue  ensued  : 
"  Fen  you  said  you  hev  arrived  ?  " 
"  Yesterday." 

"  You  came  dot  Horn  around  ?  " 
"  No." 

"  Oh  !  I  see  ;  you  came  dot  isthmus  across  ?" 
"  No." 

"  Oh  !  den  you  come  dot  land  over  ?  " 
"  No." 

"  Den  you  hef  not  arrived." 

"Oh,  yes,  I  hef  arrived.    I  come  dot  Mexico  through." 


TOOK  THE  STARCH  OUT  OF  HIM. 

Several  conceited  young  men  were  assembled  on  a 
street  corner  when  a  poor  Dutchman  approached.  One  of 
them  said  to  his  companions  : 

"  Boys,  I'm  going  to  have  some  fun  ;  just  watch  me  fool 
this  Dutchy." 

He  went  up  to  the  German,  to  whom  he  said 

"  Kaiser,  don't  you  want  to  buy  a  dog  ?  " 

The  person  thus  addressed  quickly  responded :  "  Ya-a-s, 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


229 


I  yust  want  to  buy  a  leetle  puppy  about  your  size.  Are 
you  for  sale  ?  " 

The  puppy  struck  off,  the  laughter  of  his  comrades 
making  him  purple  with  ra^e. 

DOT'S  ME. 

A  countryman  had  sold  a  butcher  some  hogs,  and  was 
to  deliver  them  in  the  afternoon  at  the  residence  of  the 
purchaser,  but  did  not  know  where  the  said  residence  was. 
The  butcher  then  gave  him  the  following  directions  : 

"You  shoost  goes  pehind  de  Menger  and  turns  to  de 
right  till  you  comes  to  a  fence  mit  a  hole  in  it,  den  you 
turns  up  to  de  right  for  a  while  till  you  sees  a  house  and  a 
big  hog  in  de  yard.    Dot's  me." 

An  old  Dutchman  froze  his  nose.  While  thawing  the 
frost  out,  he  said :  "  1  haf  carry  dot  nose  fordy  year,  unt  he 
nefer  freeze  hisself  before.    I  no  understand  dis  ting." 

A  Dutchman  was  about  to  make  a  journey  to  his  father- 
land, and  wishing  to  say  "good-bye"  to  a  friend,  extended 
his  hand  and  said  :  "  Veil,  off  I  don't  coom  back,  hullo." 

DR.  ''PHLEBOTOMY." 

Dr.  Chapman,  of  Philadelphia,  was  a  great  humorist  in 
his  time. 

During  a  summer  vacation  he  made  the  acquaintance 
of  a  country  doctor  —  a  clever  man,  in  the  Yankee  sense  of 
that  word.  Having  never  had  a  regular  medical  course 
of  instruction,  he  was  quite  unacquainted  with  the  techni- 
cal terms  of  his  profession,  and,  in  fact,  was  an  interloper, 
with  no  genuine  claim  to  respect  as  a  physician. 


230 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


Dr.  Jonson,  the  rural  medico,  proud  of  the  acquaint- 
ance of  the  great  Philadelphia  physician,  brought  a  patient 
to  him  for  advice,  saying  that  he  had  exhausted  all  his 
medicine  and  skill  upon  the  case,  with  no  effect. 

Chapman  knew  he  was  a  quack,  and  began  : 

"  Have  you  used  depletions  ?  " 

"  No,  sir,"  said  Jonson  ;  "  I  have  thought  of  that,  but 
it  is  not  to  be  had  out  here  in  the  country." 

"  Perhaps  you  have  tried  ve)iesectio)t  ?  " 

"  I  have  not ;  indeed,  it  has  never  been  introduced 
among  us  here." 

"  Then  I  would  recommend  phlebotomy^''  continued  Dr. 
Chapman. 

"  The  very  thing  I  was  going  to  give  him  as  soon  as  I 
could  get  some  of  it  from  the  city.  You  didn't  happen  to 
bring  any  with  you,  doctor,  did  you,  sir  ?  " 

The  Philadelphia  doctor  could  hold  in  no  longer.  He 
laughed  so  heartily  that  Jonson  insisted  on  an  explanation, 
and  when  he  learned  that  the  three  suo:2:estions  amounted 
to  the  same  thing,  and  that  was  bleeding,  he  bolted  out, 
drawing  his  recovering  patient  along  with  him.  The  story 
got  out  also  ;  and  Jonson  went  by  the  name  of  "  Phle- 
botomy" to  the  day  of  his  death,  which  happened  a  few 
years  ago. 


"  Say,  Smith,  where  have  you  been  for  a  week  back  ?  " 
"  I  haven't  been  anywhere  for  it.    I  haven't  got  a  weak 
back." 


"  Do  you  think  I'm  a  fool  ?  "  asked  a  violent  fellow,  of  a 
doctor. 

"  Really,"  replied  the  doctor,    I  would  not  have  ven- 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


231 


tured  the  assertion,  but  now  that  you  ask  my  opinion,  I 
must  say  that  I  am  not  prepared  to  deny  it." 

A  doctor,  attending  a  wit  who  was  very  ill,  apologized 
for  being  late  one  day,  by  saying  he  had  to  stop  to  see  a 
man  that  had  fallen  down  a  well. 

^'Did  he  kick  the  bucket,  doctor?"  groaned  the  incori- 
gible  wit. 

A  little  boy  asked  a  lady  who  made  her  teeth. 
"  My  Creator,"  she  replied. 

Well,"  said  the  youngster,  "  Dr.           made  my  ma's, 

and  they  beat  your'n  clean  out  o'  sight." 

KNOWING  HOW  TO  CHARGE. 

"There,  now,"  said  a  dentist  to  a  customer  who  pre- 
tended to  have  a  very  difficult  tooth  to  draw,  "  you  see  how 
easy  it  was  done." 

"  Yes,"  replied  the  customer,  "  and  what's  yer  charge  ?  " 

"Two  dollars,"  replied  the  dentist. 

"  Whew  !  "  exclaimed  the  customer,  "  but  you  know 
how  to  charge.  Why,  there's  Bill,  the  blacksmith  of  our 
town,  tried  to  pull  that  'air  tooth,  and  he  dragged  me  three 
times  round  his  shop,  and  charged  only  twenty  -  five  cents  !  " 

"  Halloo,  doctor,  where  are  you  going  ?  " 
"  I'm  called  in  to  see  Smith,  who's  down  with  a  cold." 
"Oh,  they've  called  you  in,  have  they  ?  Well,  then,  I'll 
stop  at  the  undertaker's  and  have  the  coffin  got  ready." 

A  doctor  went  out  West  to  practice  his  profession.  An 
old  friend  met  him  on  the  street  one  day  and  asked  him 
how  he  was  succeeding  in  his  business. 


232 


WIT  AKD  HUMOR. 


"First-rate,"  he  replied.    "I've  had  one  case." 
«  Well  —  and  what  was  that  ?  " 
"  It  was  a  birth,"  said  the  doctor. 
"  How  did  you  succeed  with  that  ?  " 
"Well,  the  old  woman  died,  and  the  child  died.    But  I 
think  I'll  save  the  old  man  yet !  " 

"  How  one  thing  brings  up  another ! "  said  a  lady, 
absorbed  in  pleasing  retrospection. 

"  Yes,"  replied  the  practical  Dobbs,  "  an  emetic,  for 
instance." 

TOOK  HIM  FOR  A  SKELETON. 

The  other  day,  a  newsboy  in  was  almost  frightened 

to  death  at  the  sight  of  a  human  skeleton,  hung  up  in  Dr. 

 's  drug  store.    After  recovering  from  the  fright,  he 

landed  across  the  street,  opposite  the  drug  store,  and  com- 
menced crying  out : 

"  Here's  yer  mornin'  papers,  only  three  cents." 

At  this  point,  the  doctor  who  is  well  known  in  his  pro- 
fession, and  very  tall  and  slender,  appeared  at  the  door  of 
the  drug  store  and  called  for  a  paper. 

The  boy  looked  round,  and  visions  of  the  skeleton  stared 
him  in  the  face.  He  knew  it  was  the  skeleton.  Putting 
his  right  hand  to  his  nose,  and  spreading  his  fingers  out 
fan-fashion  at  the  doctor,  he  yelled  out : 

"  No  yer  don't ;  you  can't  fool  me  ;  you've  got  yer 
clothes  on." 

DIAMOND  CUT  DIAMOND. 
Said  I,  "  My  head  feels  a  little  achish  ;  what  do  you 
think  I  had  better  do  ?" 

"  Why,  friend  S.,"  says  the  doctor,  says  he,  "  the  best 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


233 


thing  you  can  do  is  to  go  straight  home  and  soak  your  feet 
and  take  a  sweat ;  'cause  if  you  don't,"  said  he,  "  as  like  as 
not  you  may  have  a  fever." 

Says  I,  "Doctor,  I  was  just  thinkin'  a  little 'sweat  would 
do  me  good,  and  I  guess  I'll  go  home  and  try  it  right 
away." 

Well,  I  did  ;  I  went  home  and  took  a  bowlful  of  tansy 
tea,  bitter  as  gall,  and  if  I  didn't  sweat  like  a  beaver  'tain't 
no  matter.  The  next  morning  my  head  was  as  clear  as  a 
bell,  and  I  was  as  good  as  ever  1  was.  Well,  a  day  or  two 
afterwards,  I  met  the  doctor ;  after  a  little  thinking,  says 
the  doctor,  says  he  : 

"  Neighbor  S.,  I've  got  a  little  bill  against  you." 

"A  hill,  doctor?" 

"Yes,"  says  he  ;  "a  bill  for  advice,  you  know,  at  Sink- 
in's  store,  the  other  day." 

What  do  you  think  he  had  gone  and  done  ?  He'd 
actually  gone  and  charged  me  two  dollars  for  telling  me 
to  go  home  and  take  a  sweat,  which  I  was  just  going  to  do 
myself,  without  his  telling. 

"  Well,  doctor,"  says  I,  for  I  didn't  want  to  appear  mean, 
you  know,  "it's  all  right ;  I  will  bear  it  in  mind." 

Well,  a  few  days  after,  the  doctor  was  passing  by  my 
door  in  his  chaise,  and  somehow  or  other  one  of  the  wheels 
got  a  little  loose  ;  so,  says  I : 

"  Doctor,  if  you  don't  drive  that  linch-pin  in  an  inch  or 
so,  that  wheel  will  come  off." 

"Thank  you,"  says  he,  and  he  took  a  stun  and  driv  in 
the  pin. 

Well,  I  went  into  the  house  and  just  made  a  charge  of 
it,  and  when  he  came  along  the  next  time,  I  presented  him 
the  bill. 


284 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"Hello!"  says  the  doctor,  says  he,  "  what  on  airth  is 
that  for?" 

"  Why,  it's  for  advice,"  says  I. 

"Advice  !  "  says  he.  "  What  advice  ?  I  hain't  had  none 
o'  your  advice." 

"Why,  for  driving  in  your  wheel-pin,  and  I've  only 
charged  you  two  dollars  and  twenty-five  cents,  and  it  might 
have  cost  you  ten  times  as  much." 

"  Well,"  says  the  doctor,  "  the  little  difference  between 
your  bill  and  mine  is  just  twenty-five  cents." 

"That  is  all  you  owe  me,"  says  I. 

"  Well,  I'll  bear  it  in  mind,"  says  he. 

And  I  expect  he  will.  He's  as  tight  as  a  candle-mold  is 
the  doctor ;  and  I  guess  he  is  able  to  bear  it  in  mind. 

THE  DUTCH  DOCTOR. 

Your  question  reminds  me  of  the  old  story  of  the  little 
Dutchman  who  "set  up  for  a  doctor"  in  New  Orleans  ;  and 
as  it  involves  as  much  of  an  important  law  in  health  as 
well  as  disease,  I  repeat  it.  It  seems  that  a  small  Dutch- 
man had  been  engaged  in  the  lager -beer  profession,  but 
had  failed.  He  cast  about  for  a  new  occupation.  The 
yellow  fever  had  just  appeared,  and  it  occurred  to  him  that 
it  might  pay  to  "  set  up  for  a  doctor."  There  was  no  time 
for  books,  and  so  he  resolved  to  study  at  the  bedside  of  the 
sick,  keeping  a  little  memorandum.  His  first  case  was  a 
Dutchman  who  had  the  fever  pretty  badly,  but  longed  for 
sauer- kraut.  The  doctor  prescribed  sauer- kraut.  The 
Dutchman  got  well.  The  doctor  wrote  in  his  little  memo- 
randum, "  Sauer  -  kraut  will  cure  a  Dutchman  of  yellow 
fever."  His  next  case  of  yellow  fever  was  a  Frenchman. 
Sauer-kraut  was  prescribed.    The  Frenchman  took  on  the 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


235 


black  vomit  and  died.  The  doctor  added  after  his  first 
record,  ''but  will  kill  a  Frenchman." 


A  Western  paper,  in  describing  an  accident  recently, 
says,  with  much  candor :  "  Dr.  Jones  was  called,  and  under 
his  prompt  and  skillful  treatme!it  the  young  man  died  on 
W ednesday  night." 

GOT  ANY  MEDICINE  ? 

"Got  any  medicine?"  asked  a  boy,  entering  a  drug- 
store the  other,  day. 

"Yes,  lots  of  it.  What  do  you  want  ?"  inquired  the 
clerk. 

"  Oh,  it  don't  make  any  difference,  so  that  it's  something 
lively.    Dad  is  fearful  bad." 

"What  ails  him  ?  "  asked  the  clerk. 

"  Duiuio,"  said  the  boy  ;  "but  he's  run  down  orful.  He 
just  sits  around  the  stove  all  day  and  mopes  ;  he  hasn't 
walloped  mother  since  Christmas.  I  guess  he's  going  to 
die  !  "   

A  PHILOSOPHICAL  COLORED  MAN. 

An  elderly  colored  man,  with  a  very  philosophical  and 
retrospective  cast  of  countenance,  was  squatting  with  his 
bundle  upon  the  hurricane-deck  of  one  of  the  Western 
river  steamers,  toasting  liis  shins  against  the  chimney,  and 
apparently  plunged  in  a  state  of  profound  meditation.  His 
dress  and  appearance  indicated  familiarity  with  camp  life, 
and,  it  being  soon  after  the  siege  and  capture  of  Fort 
Donelson,  I  was  inclined  to  disturb  his  reveries,  and  on 
interrogation  found  that  he  had  been  with  the  Union  forces 
at  that  place,  when  I  questioned  farther.    His  philosophy 

K 


236 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


was  so  peculiar  that  I  will  give  his  views  in  his  own  words 
as  near  as  my  memory  will  serve  me  : 

"Were  you  in  the  fight?" 

"  I  had  a  little  taste  of  it,  sah." 

"  Stood  your  ground,  did  you  ?  " 

"  No,  sah,  I  runs." 

"  Run  at  the  first  fire,  did  you  ?  " 

"  Yes,  sah,  an'  would  have  run  soonah  had  1  knowed  it 
was  comin'." 

Why,  that  wasn't  very  creditable  to  your  courage." 
"  Dat  isn't  in  my  line,  sah  ;  cookin's  my  profession." 
"Well,  but  have  you  no  regard  for  your  reputation  ?" 
"  Reputation's  nuffin  to  me  by  de  side  of  life." 
"  Do  you  consider  your  life  worth  more  than  other 
people's  ?  " 

"  It's  worth  more  to  me,  sah." 

"But  why  should  you  act  upon  a  diff*erent  rule  from 
other  men  ?  " 

"'Cause,  sah,  diff'rent  men  sets  diff'rent  value  on  der- 
selves  ;  my  life's  not  in  de  market." 

"  But  if  you  lost  it,  you  would  have  the  satisfaction  of 
knowing  that  you  died  for  your  country." 

"  What  satisfaction  would  dat  be  to  me,  when  de  power 
of  feelin'  was  gone  ?  " 

"  Then  patriotism  and  honor  are  nothing  to  you  ?" 

"  Nuffin  whatever,  sah." 

"  If  our  soldiers  were  all  like  you,  traitors  might  have 
broken  up  the  government  without  resistance." 

"  Yes,  sah  ;    der  would  have  been  no  help  for  it.  I 
wouldn't  put  my  life  in  de  scales  'gainst  any  guberment  . 
dat  ever  existed,  for  no  guberment  could  replace  de  loss 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


237 


to  me.  'Spect  dough  dat  de  guberment's  safe  if  de're  aK 
like  me." 

"  Do  you  think  that  any  of  your  company  would  have 
missed  you  if  you  had  been  killed  ?" 

"  Maybe  not,  sah  ;  a  dead  white  man  ain't  much  wid 
dese  sojers,  let  alone  a  dead  niggah ;  but  I'd  a  missed 
myself,  and  dat  was  de  p'int  wid  me." 


During  the  late  war,  one  of  the  gun-boat  contractors  was 
impressing  upon  Mr.  Lincoln  the  great  superiority  of  his 
boats,  because  they  would  run  in  such  shallow  water.  "  O, 
yes,"  replied  the  President,  "I've  no  doubt  they'll  run 
anywhere  where  the  ground  is  a  little  moist ! " 


WHY  DON'T  YOU  SPIT  ON  IT? 

A  good  story  has  been  told  of  a  lisping  officer  of  the 
United  States  Army,  having  been  victimized  by  a  brother 
officer  (who  was  noted  for  his  cool  deliberation  and  strong 
nerves),  and  his  getting  square  with  him  in  the  following 
manner :  The  cool  joker,  the  captain,  was  always  quizzing 
the  lisping  officer,  a  lieutenant,  for  his  nervousness. 

"  Why,"  said  he,  one  day,  in  the  presence  of  his  com- 
pany, "  nervousness  is  all  nonsense  ;  I  tell  you,  lieutenant, 
no  brave  man  will  be  nervous." 

"  Well,"  inquired  his  lisping  friend,  "  how  would  you 
do,  thpose  a  shell  with  an  inch  futhee  thould  drop  itthelf 
in  a  walled  angle,  in  which  you  had  taken  thelter  from  a 
company  of  tharp-thootherth,  and  where  it  was  thertain,  if 
you  put  out  your  nothe,  you'd  get  peppered  ?  " 

"  How  ?  "  said  the  captain,  winking  at  the  circle,  "  why, 
take  it  cool,  and  spit  on  the  fusee." 


238 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


The  party  broke  up,  and  all  retired  except  the  patrol. 
The  next  morninor  a  number  of  soldiers  were  assembled  on 
the  parade,  and  talking  in  clusters,  when  along  came  the 
lisping  lieutenant.    Lazily  opening  his  eyes,  he  remarked  : 

"I  want  to  try  an  experiment  thith  morning,  and  thee 
how  extheeding  cool  you  can  be.'' 

Saying  this  he  walked  deliberately  into  the  captain's 
quarters,  where  a  fire  was  burning  on  the  hearth,  and 
placed  in  its  hottest  center  a  powder  canister,  and  instantly 
retreated.  There  was  but  one  mode  of  egress  from  the 
quarters,  and  that  was  upon  the  parade  ground,  the  road 
being  built  up  for  defense  ;  the  occupant  took  one  look  at 
the  canister,  comprehended  his  situation,  and  in  a  moment 
dashed  at  the  door,  but  it  was  fastened  on  the  outside. 

"  Charley,  let  me  out  if  you  love  me  !  "  shouted  the  cap- 
tain. 

"Thpit  on  the  canither  ! "  shouted  he  in  return. 

Not  a  moment  was  to  be  lost ;  he  had  at  first  snatched 
up  a  blanket  to  cover  his  egress,  but  now,  dropping  it,  he 
raised  the  window,  and  out  he  bounded,  sans  culottes^  sans 
everything  but  a  very  short  under -garment,  and  thus,  with 
hair  almost  on  end,  he  dashed  upon  a  full  parade-ground. 
The  shout  which  hailed  him  brought  out  the  whole  barracks 
to  see  what  was  the  matter,  and  the  dignified  captain  pulled 
a  sergeant  in  front  of  him  to  hide  himself. 

"  Why  didn't  you  thpit  on  it  ?  "  inquired  the  lieutenant. 

"  Because  there  were  no  sharp-shooters  in  front  to  stop 
a  retreat,"  answered  the  captain. 

"  All  I  got  to  thay,  then,  ith,"  said  the  lieutenant,  "  that 
you  might  thafely  have  done  it ;  for  I'll  thware  there 
wathn't  a  thingle  grain  of  powder  in  it." 

The  captain  has  never  spoken  of  nervousness  since. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


239 


PAT'S  EULOGY  ON  GENERAL  BURNSIDE. 

A  gentleman  in  Washington  reports  fo!  the  "  Drawer'' 
the  following  colloquy  he  lately  overheard  in  that  city  by 
two  "  scarred  veterans  :  " 

Pat.  "  Jamie,  did  ye  iver  know  General  Burnside  ?  " 

Jamie.  "  No,  I  niver  had  the  honor." 

Pat.  "Well,  he's  the  foinest  gintleman  in  the  worrald. 
Och,  didn't  he  set  his  heart  by  his  soger  boys  !  I  mind  me 
well  whin  I  was  in  the  ould  bloody  Sixty-ninth  Rigiment, 
and  at  the  first  battle  of  Bull  Run.  At  the  very  furst 
volley  we  resaved  from  the  inemy  the  Gineral  rode  over 
like  the  divil  to  our  rigiment,  and  stopped  right  in  front 
of  me,  and  sez  he  to  me,  sez  he,  '  Corporal  McQuinn,  are 
you  hurt  ? '  '  No,  sir,'  sez  I.  '  Then,'  sez  he  to  me,  says  he, 
Met  the  battle  go  on.'" 

It  went  on,  though  our  people  didn't  seem  to  take  much 
interest  in  the  fight. 

Our  military  maneuvers. — Irish  drill-sergeant  (to  a  squad 
of  militiamen).  "  Pr's'nt  'rms  !  "  —  (  astonishing  result.) 
"  Hivens  !  what  a'prisint!'  Just  stip  out  here  now,  and 
look  at  yersilves  !  " 

A  sentinel  who  was  accused  of  sleeping  on  his  watch, 
triumphantly  showed  that  his  watch  was  at  the  pawn- 
broker's at  the  very  time  of  the  alleged  offense. 


The  Crimean  heroes  are  all  the  rage  in  the  Old  Country, 
now  that  the  war  is  over,  especially  the  Irish  heroes.  Their 
modesty  is  world-famous,  and  they  maintain  their  reputa- 
tion. It  was  at  one  of  the  festivals,  now  so  numerous,  thai 
an  Irish  soldier  returned  from  the  East,  was  accosted : 

16 


240 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"  Well,  Pat,  my  good  fellow,  and  what  did  you  do  at  the 
Alma?" 

"  Do  !  your  honor  !  Why,  I  walked  up  bowldly  to  one 
of  the  inimy  and  cut  off  his  feet !  " 

"  Cut  off  his  feet !  and  why  didn't  you  cut  off  his  head  ?" 
"Ah,  by  my  faith,  that  was  off  already  !  " 


PLACE  WHERE  WARREN  FELL. 

A  Yankee  gentleman,  escorting  a  British  friend  to  view 
the  different  objects  of  attraction  in  the  vicinity  of  Boston, 
brought  him  to  Bunker  Hill.  They  stood  looking  at  the 
splendid  monument,  when  the  Yankee  said : 

"  This  is  the  place  where  Warren  fell." 

"Ah  !  "  replied  the  Englishman,  evidently  not  posted  up 
in  local  historical  matters,  "did  it  hurt  him  much  ?" 

The  native  looked  at  him.  "  Hurt  him  !  "  said  he  ;  "  he 
was  killed,  sir." 

"Ah  !  he  was,  eh?"  said  the  stranger,  still  eyeing  the 
monument,  and  commencing  to  compute  its  height  in  his 
own  mind,  layer  by  layer.  "  Well,  I  should  think  he  would 
have  been,  to  fall  so  far." 


PARKINSON'S  GUNBOAT. 

We  do  not  remember  that  we  ever  told  the  story  of 
Parkinson's  gunboat.  Parkinson  was  in  the  navy,  and 
during  the  war  he  conceived  an  idea  that  he  could  build  a 
very  small  and  light  gunboat  which  would  carry  a  heavy 
gun.  so  that  expeditions  could  be  undertaken  up  shallow 
rivers.  The  Department  gave  him  permission  to  try  the 
experiment,  and  he  built  a  boat  in  accordance  with  his 
theory.    The  first  time  she  went  into  action  was  down  in 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


241 


the  waters  of  South  Carolina.  The  commanding  officer  of 
the  troops  upon  one  of  the  islands  sent  Parkinson  up  stream 
with  his  craft,  with  orders  to  fire  at  a  certain  fort.  Parkin- 
son paddled  up  for  about  two  miles,  and  then,  loading  up 
his  one  big  gun,  he  aimed  at  the  rebel  works.  It  was  very 
singular,  but  entirely  true,  that  the  boat  was  so  light  that 
the  ball  in  the  gun  remained  stationary,  while  the  boat  was 
fired  away  from  it  two  miles  down  stream,  where  it  lit 
among  the  Union  troops  and  killed  three  privates  and  a 
corporal.  The  ball  was  afterward  found  in  the  stream 
exactly  at  the  spot  where  the  gunboat  stood. 


ANECDOTE  OF  PHILLIPPA. 

Among  the  troops  in  Western  Virginia,  stories  about  the 
Phillippa  affair  still  form  a  staple  of  conversation.  Here  is 
one  of  the  best : 

A  certain  Indiana  company,  almost  worn  out  with 
march,  was  straggling  along  with  very  little  regard  to 
order.    Hurrying  up  to  his  men,  the  captain  shouted  : 

"  Close  up,  boys  !  d — n  you,  close  up  !  If  the  enemy 
were  to  fire  on  you  lohen  yoiCre  straggling  along  that  icay^ 
they  coulclnH  hit  a  d — n  one  of  you  !    Close  up  !  " 

And  the  boys  closed  up  immediately. 


"The  password  is  'Saxe;'  now  don't  forget  it,  Pat," 
said  the  colonel,  just  after  the  battle  of  Fontenoy,  at  which 
Saxe  was  marshal. 

"  Sacks  ?  Faith,  and  I  will  not.  Wasn't  my  father  a 
miller?" 

"  Who  goes  there  ?  "  cried  the  sentinel,  after  the  Irish- 
man had  arrived  at  his  post. 


242 


WIT  AND  HUMOK. 


Pat  was  as  wise  as  an  owl,  and,  in  a  sort  of  a  whispered 
yell,  replied  : 

"  Bags,  yer  honor  !  " 

ALWAYS  ON  THE  WRONG  SIDE. 

One  morning  a  party  were  sitting  at  White  Sulphur,  and 
the  conversation  had  fallen  upon  the  late  war.  Personal 
reminiscence  was  in  order.  Each  was  the  hero  of  his  own 
hair-breadth  escape,  and  the  sequel  was  blood  and  thunder. 

Within  earshot  sat  an  old  gray-coated  Virginian,  atten- 
tively listening  and  turning  his  cud  reflectively  between  his 
teeth.    At  length  he  spoke  : 

Gentlemen,  you  have  all  been  through  a  heap,  but  they 
hain't  none  of  you  had  a  wuss  time  nor  I,  I'll  bet.'' 

"  Which  side  was  you  on  ?  "  asked  one. 

"Nary  a  side,  gentlemen,  but  I  had  a  very  hard  time," 
and  the  old  fellow,  drawing  out  his  cud  of  reflection,  pro- 
ceeded : 

"  Wall,  when  the  war  fust  broke  out,  I  didn't  know  much 
about  it,  nohow.  I  Avas  a-studying  it  out,  but  I  hadn't  come 
to  no  judgment.  One  night  my  darter,  Mary  Ann,  took 
powerful  sick.  The  doctor  he  wrote  a  script  and  told  me 
to  go  right  off  and  get  it ;  so  I  bridled  my  old  mar'  and 
started.  Wall,  gentlemen,  when  I  got,  I  reckon,  'bout  three 
miles  from  home — it  was  monstrous  dark — some  one  called, 
'Halt!'  and  I  halted.  Fust  thing  I  knowed  I  was  a  pris- 
oner, and  the  boys  were  'round  thicker  than  June-bugs. 

Sez  I,  'Gentlemens,  darter  Mary  Ann  '     Sez  they, 

'  Darn  Mary  Ann  !  Who  are  you  fur  ?  Speak  out.  Hurrah 
for  somebody  ! '  T  studied  a  minit,  and  sez  I,  on  a  venture 
like,  'Hurrah  for  Jeff  Davis!'  They  sez,  mad  as  hornets, 
'I  told  you  he  was  a  rebel.    Git  off  that  mar'!'  'Gentle- 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


243 


mens,  I  hain't  tellin'  you  no  lie,'  I  sez.  They  took  me  off 
that  mar',  and  buckled  me  over  a  log  and  hit  me  over  five 
hundred  times.  It  hurt  me  powerful  bad  ;  I  was  monstrous 
sore.    I  mounted  my  mar'  and  started  on. 

"I  hadn't  got  more'n  three  miles  w^hen  I  heerd  another 
voice  call  out,  'Halt!'  and  I  halted;  and  again  the  boys 
had  me.  '  Who  are  you  for  ? '  sez  they.  Sez  I,  '  Gentle- 
mens,  my  darter,  Mary  Ann,  is  powerful  sick,  and  the 

doctor  '  'Darn  the  doctor!  Who  are  you  fur.  Hurrah 

for  somebody  ! ' 

"I  wa'n't  going  to  be  kotched  again,  so  I  just  took  oil* 
my  hat,  and  I  sez,  as  loud  as  I  could,  'Hurrah  for  Lincoln  !  * 
'  There,'  sez  they,  madder  nor  blazes,  '  I  told  you  he  was  a 
traitor.  Get  down  off  that  mar.'  Gentlemens,  I  haint 
telling  you  no  lie.  They  tuk  me  off  that  mar,  buckled  me 
over  a  log,  and  just  gin  me  five  hundred  mo'.  It  was 
monstrous  bad.  But  I  got  on  an'  went  along.  Just  as  I 
was  a-cuming  into  town  another  voice  called  out,  'Halt!' 
and  I  halted.  'Who  are  you  for?'  sez  he;  'Hurrah  for 
somebody.'  Gentlemens,  I  wasn't  never  a-goin'  to  be 
kotched  again.  I  jest  sez,  '  Mister,  you  jest  be  so  kind  as 
to  hurray  fust,  jest  this  once.' " 

BARBARA  FRIEDCHIE. 

FROM  THE  DUTCH. 

Droo  der  slidreeds  of  Fredcrigtown, 
Mit  der  rade  hot  sun  a  sdriogin  down, 
Bast  der  saloons  all  filled  mid  bier, 
Der  repel  fellers  valked  on  der  ear. 

All  day  droo  Frederigtown  so  fassed 
Horse  und  food  der  soldiers  passed  ; 
Und  der  repel  flag  shone  out  so  briglid, 
As  if,  by  jinks,  it  had  got  a  righdt. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


Vare  vas  der  Union  flag  ?   Der  sun  . 
Looked  down  on  not  a  pluddy  von. 
Up  jumped  dot  old  Miss  Friedchie  den, 
Bend  out  py  her  nine  schgore  years  and  ten. 

She  grabbed  up  der  flag  dot  der  men  hauled  down. 
Und  fasdened  it  righd  on  her  nighd  gown, 
Den  she  sad  in  her  vindow,  so  all  could  see 
Dot  der  vas  von  yed  dot  loafed  dot  flag  so  free. 

Up  der  shdreed  comes  Shdonevall  Jack, 
A  riding  on  his  horse's  back  ; 
Under  his  prows  he  squinched  his  eyes  — 
Dot  old  flag  caused  him  grand  surbrise. 

"Hald  !  "  Each  feller  shdood  shdill  ; 
"  Vire  !    vas  echoed  vrom  hill  to  hill  ; 
Id  bushd  de  shdrings  of  dot  nighd  gown, 
But  dot  old  Barbara  she  vas  aroundt. 

She  fasdened  it  once  again  so  gwick  ; 
Den  off*  der  vindow  her  arms  did  shdick  ; 
"  Sbood,  if  you  must,  dis  poor  old  head. 
But  leafe  alone  dot  flag,"  she  said. 

A  look  of  shameness  soon  came  o'er 

Der  face  of  Jack,  und  der  deers  did  hour  ; 

Who  bulls  a  hair  of  dat  bald  lied 
Dies  mighty  gwick  ;  go  aliet,"  he  said. 

All  dot  day  and  all  dot  nighd, 

Dill  every  repel  had  bassed  from  sighd, 

Und  leafed  pehind  dot  Frederigtown, 

Dot  old  flag  vas  shdicked  on  dot  nighd  gown. 

Dot  Barbara  Friedchie's  work  is  done  : 
She  don'd  can  efer  haf  more  fun. 
Bully  for  her  !  shoost  drop  a  deer 
For  dot  old  woman  midout  some  fear. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


245 


AN  EYE- WITNESS'  ACCOUNT  OF  CORNWALLIS'  SUR- 
RENDER. 

Not  long  since,  being  at  Yorktown,  Virginia,  1  fell  into 
a  discussion  with  a  very  old  man,  who  was  quite  communi- 
cative. As  nearly  as  I  can  recall  the  words  his  narrative 
was  as  follows  : 

"  I  see  Gen.  Washington  ?  Yes,  sah  !  Why,  I  was  here 
all  de  time.  See  de  British  ?  See  Cornwallis  ?  To  be  sho'  ; 
wasn't  I  here  —  right  here  —  all  de  time  ?  Suttenly  —  I 
seen  'em  all.  Now  I  tell  you,  massa.  I  see  Gen.  Wash- 
ington, and  he  was  a  settin'  on  his  hoss,  and  a  eatin'  of  a 
peach;  and  Cornwallis  he  come  out,  a  slippin' around  to 
get  away,  and  he  start  out  down  toward  the  creek,  and  he 
start  to  run,  but  Gen.  Washington,  he  see  him  d'rectly,  an' 
he  started  arter  him  ;  and  Gen.  Washington,  he  didn't  want 
to  take  no  advantage  of  him,  so  he  ran  well  —  an'  pretty 
soon  he  catch  Cornw^allis,  an'  he  catch  him  by  de  neck,  an' 

say:  'You  d  scoundrel,  I  got  you  ! '    And  Cornwallis, 

he  turn  round,  an'  handed  Mr.  Gen.  Washington  his  sword, 
and  Gen.  Washington,  he  jess  took  it  an'  cut  his  head  off! 
See  it  ?  To  be  sho'  I  see  it.  I  was  right  here  all  de  time, 
massa  —  how  I  gwine  help  see  it?  Jess  as  I  tell  you. 
Gen.  Washington  was  a-sittin'  on  his  hoss,  an'  eatin'  of  a 
peach  " 

But  it  is  not  necessary  for  me  to  repeat  the  old  man's 
story  as  often  as  he  did.  Suffice  to  say  that  he  never 
varied  it  in  any  particular,  thus  furnishing  one  of  the  best 
indicia  of  veracity  and  accuracy. 

A  German  enlisted  in  the  regular  army  ;  in  the  course 
of  a  few  days  he  was  put  on  picket  duty.  His  instructions 
were,  when  anybody  approached,  to  say :  "  Who  comes 


246 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


there  ?  "  three  times,  and  then  shoot.  Before  long  he  per- 
ceived a  man  approaching ;  he  waited  quietly  until  the 
man  came  very  near,  when  he  suddenly  brought  his  musket 
to  his  shoulder  and  shouted, "  Who  comes  dere  three  times?" 
Bang ! 

"  Ginger,  why  don't  you  enlist  ?  "  asked  a  white  soldier. 
Wal,  massa,"  said  the  contraband,  "did  you  ever  see 
two  dogs  fightin'  for  a  bone  ?  " 
"  Certainly,  Ginger." 
"  Wal,  did  you  ever  see  de  bone  fight  ?" 
"  No." 

"  Wal,  massa,  you're  bofe  fightin',  and  Ginger's  de  bone. 
Guess  dis  nigger  won't  fight." 


A  soldier  of  a  cavalry  regiment  was  brought  up  for 
stealing  his  comrade's  liquor  ration.  He  was  an  Irishman, 
and  his  defense  was  unique  :  "  I'd  be  sorry  indade,  surr,  to 
be  called  a  thafe  !  I  put  the  liquor  in  the  same  bottle,  and 
mine  was  at  the  bottom  ;  and  sure,  I  was  obliged  to  drink 
his  to  get  at  me  own." 

PRIVATE  KELLY. 

Great  difficulty  was  experienced  in  furnishing  the  Penn- 
sylvania troops  with  shoes  at  the  commencement  of  the 
three  months'  service.  Those  that  were  furnished  were 
generally  much  too  large  for  the  wearers  —  a  fault  which 
occasioned  much  merriment  and  some  inconvenience.  A 
raw  recruit  in  Colonel  Owen's  regiment  was  being  put 
through  the  squad  drill,  when  the  following  colloquy  took 
place  : 

Sergeant.  "Why  don't  ye  mind  the  orthers  there,  Pat- 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


247 


rick  Kelly  ?  There  yeVe  bin  standin'  like  a  spalpeen  iver 
since  ye  come  out,  and  never  once  faced  to  the  right  or 
left !    Shure  an'  I'll  arrist  ye  !    D'ye  moind  that  ?  " 

Private.  "  Ye're  mistaken  altogether,  sargeant.  Shure 
an'  ye've  been  lookin'  at  me  shoes.  Divil  a  bit  can  I  turn 
thim  around  !  " 

ONE  THING  HE  KNEW. 

An  old  sailor,  with  plenty  of  grog  aboard,  was  stagger- 
ing near  a  navy-yard,  when  he  was  met  by  Admiral  X.,  who 
was  in  command.  The  sailor,  not  saluting,  as  he  should 
have  done,  the  admiral,  who  was  very  strict  in  this  particu- 
lar, addressed  the  sailor : 

"  Do  you  belong  to  the  United  States  Navy  ?  " 

Sailor.  "  Well,  I  don't  know  whether  I  do  or  not." 

Admiral.  "  Don't  you  ?  What  ship  do  you  belong  to  ? 
Do  you  know  that  ?  " 

Sailor.  "J  hardly  know  that,  either." 

Admiral.  "  Well,  sir,  do  you  know  me  ?" 

Sailor.  "  No,  sir." 

Admiral.  I  am  Admiral  X.,  of  the  United  States  Navy, 
and  commander  of  this  navy-yard." 

Sailor.  "  Well,  admiral,  there's  one  thing  I  do  know, 
and  that  is,  you've  got  a  good  job." 

In  his  laughter  the.  admiral  forgot  the  salute,  and  the 
sailor  "steered"  ahead. 


THE  IRISH  SENTINEL. 

A  son  of  the  Green  Isle,  a  new  member  of  Colonel 
Gillam's  Middle  Tennessee  Regiment,  while  stationed  at 
Nashville,  during  the  late  rebellion,  was  detailed  on  guard 
duty  on  a  prominent  street  of  that  city.    It  was  his  first 


248 


WIT    AND  HUMOR. 


experience  at  guard  -  mounting,  and  he  strutted  along  his 
beat  apparently  with  a  full  appreciation  of  his  position. 
As  a  citizen  approached  he  shouted : 

"  Halt !    Who  comes  there  ?  " 

"A  citizen!" 

"  Advance,  citizen,  and  give  the  countersign." 

"  I  haven't  the  countersign  ;  and  if  I  had,  the  demand 
for  it  at  this  time  and  place  is  something  very  strange  and 
unusual,"  rejoined  the  citizen. 

"  An'  by  the  howly  Moses,  ye  don't  pass  this  v^^ay  at  all, 
be  jabers,  till  ye  say  Bunker  Hill,"  was  Pat's  reply. 

The  citizen,  appreciating  the  "  situation,"  advanced  and 
cautiously  whispered  in  his  ear  the  necessary  words. 

"  Right !  Pass  on,"  and  the  wide  awake  sentinel  resumed 
his  beat. 

Probably  the  most  remarkable  sense  of  humor  ever 
known  was  that  of  a  German  soldier  who  laughed  uproar- 
iously all  the  time  he  was  being  flogged,  and  when  the 
officer,  at  the  end,  inquired  the  cause  of  his  mirth,  broke 
out  into  a  fresh  fit  of  laughter  and  cried,  "  Why,  I'm  the 
wrong  man  ! " 

IRISH  TIM  M'GOWAK 
Tim  McGowan  had  his  limb  crushed  when  quite  a  boy. 
He  afterwards  lost  his  life  in  the  Mexican  war,  and  his  sur- 
viving brother,  Dennis,  never  ceased  boasting  of  Tim's 
exploits. 

"  Och,  murder,"  says  he,  "you  ought  to  seen  Tim  at 
Rye  -  Sack  a  dollare  Pole  me  (meaning  Resaca  de  la 
Pal  ma).  He  caught  two  Mexican  blackguards  by  the 
cuffs  of  their  necks  and  kilt  them  both  as  dead  as  herrin's 
by  knockin'  their  heads  together." 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


249 


"  How  could  that  be,"  said  the  listener,  "  when  your 
brother  had  but  one  arm  ?" 

"  Bless  your  sowl,"  answered  Dennis,  "  one  arm  had  he  ? 
That's  true  enough  for  ye,  but  then,  ye  see,  Tim  forgot  all 
about  that  when  he  got  into  a  fight P 


A  waiter  was  told  by  a  countryman  to  bring  something 
of  what  he  had."  The  waiter  brought  him  a  regular  din- 
ner upon  small  dishes,  as  is  the  usual  form,  and  set  them 
around  his  plate.  The  countryman  surveyed  them  care- 
fully for  a  moment,  and  then  broke  out :  "  Well,  I  like 
your  samples  ;  now  bring  on  your  dinner  !  " 

The  Norfolk  Roanoke  House  landlord,  hearing  of  the 
whereabouts  of  a  guest  who  had  decamped  without  going 
through  the  formality  of  paying  his  bill,  sent  him  a  note : 

"  Mr.  Dear  Sir  :  Will  you  send  amount  of  your  bill, 

and  oblio^e,"  etc. 

To  which  the  delinquent  replied  : 

"  The  amount  is  $80.62^.    Yours  respectfully." 

BUILT  HIM  A  FIRE. 

Ferrin,  the  landlord  of  the  Westminster  Hotel,  in  New 
York,  is  not  often  nonplussed,  but  last  August  a  dapper 
little  Frenchman  staggered  him  for  a  moment.  Walking 
up  to  the  office,  he  accosted  Ferrin  with  : 

"  If  you  please,  monsieur,  you  shall  send  bill  de  fire  in 
my  room." 

"A  what?"  said  Ferrin,  looking  at  the  thermometer, 
which  indicated  ninety-two  degrees. 

"I  wish  ze  bill  de  fire  in  my  apartment,"  replied  the 
Frenchman. 


260 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"All  right,  sir,"  said  Ferrin,  with  that  outward  imper- 
turbability with  which  the  true  hotel-keeper  receives  an 
order  for  anything,  even  if  it  be  gold-dust  pudding  with 
diamond  plums.    "John!  fire  in  10,001." 

"Yes,  sur-r-r !  "  said  John,  and  by  the  time  the  French- 
man had  arrived  at  his  room,  John,  with  perspiration 
pouring  off  of  him,  had  the  grate  filled  and  a  blaze  roaring 
up  the  chimney  like  mad. 

"Vat  ze  diable  you  do?"  said  the  astonished  foreigner. 

"Built  a  fire  as  ye  ordered,"  replied  the  other  exile. 

"  Fire  be  tam  !  "  said  the  Frenchman.  "  I  shall  roast 
myself  wiz  ze  heat !  "  and  rushing  down  stairs  he  appeared 
at  the  office  with  inflamed  face  and  moistened  shirt-collar, 
exclaiming :  "  1  ask  you  not  for  ze  fire.  What !  think  I 
wish  to  make  myself  more  hot,  eh  ?  1  call  for  bill  de  fire 
— ze  bill,  ze  cart,  so  I  can  eat  myself  wiz  my  dinaire." 

"  Bill  of  fare  ?  Oh  !  yes,  sir,"  said  P^errin.  "  I  beg 
your  pardon."  And  he  politely  passed  out  the  programme 
for  the  day,  but  deputed  a  Frenchman  of  the  restaurant  to 
answer  any  further  orders  from  the  subject  of  Napoleon. 

A  gentleman,  traveling  in  Ohio  some  years  ago,  turned 
in  at  a  country  tavern  for  dinner.  The  room  was  garnished 
with  a  dirty  wash-basin,  a  piece  of  soap  the  size  of  a 
lozenge,  and  a  square  yard  of  crash,  dimly  visible  through 
epidemic  deposits.  Having  slightly  washed,  the  traveler 
eyed  the  rag  doubtfully,  and  then  asked  the  proprietor : 

"  Haven't  you,  sir,  about  the  premises,  a  this  year's 
towel?"   

NEVER  EAT  BACON. 
At  a  station  on  an  overland  route,  the  keeper  got  rather 
short  of  provisions  —  in  fact,  had  nothing  left  but  a  bottle 


WIT  A.ND  HUMOR. 


251 


of  mustard  and  some  bacon.  As  the  stage  stopped  there 
one  day  to  change  horses,  the  passengers  seated  themselves 
at  the  table,  and  the  host  said  : 

"  Shall  I  help  you  to  a  piece  of  bacon  ?  " 

"No,  thank  you  ;  I  never  eat  bacon,"  said  one  traveler. 

"  Well,  then,"  said  the  station -keeper,  "  help  yourself  to 
some  of  the  mustard." 


An  Irishman  was  asked  at  dinner  whether  he  would 
take  some  apple  pie  : 

"  Is  it  houlsome  ?  "  inquired  Teddy. 
"  To  be  sure  it  is.    Why  isn't  it  ?  " 

"  Because,"  said  Teddy,  "  I  once  had  an  uncle  that  was 
killed  with  the  apple  plexy,  and  sure  enough  I  thought  it 
might  be  something  of  the  same  sort." 


An  Irishman,  boarding  at  a  second-rate  house,  was 
troubled  very  much  with  mosquitoes.  One  night,  while 
sleeping,  he  woke  up  and  found  a  bat  crawling  over  his 
face. 

"Och,  murther ! "  said  he,  jumping  out  of  bed.  "Be 
jabers,  and  they  have  maskeetys  here  as  big  as  birds." 


A  STUPID  COOK. 

Daring  the  war,  one  of  the  northern  hotel  -  keepers  was 
on  a  visit  to  Norfolk.  The  eggs  came  to  the  table  boiled 
hard. 

"  Look  here,"  said  the  hotel  -  keeper,  "  Sambo,  these 
eggs  are  boiled  too  hard.  Now,  take  my  watch,  and  boil 
them  three  minutes  by  it." 

He  gave  the  negro  his  splendid  gold  watch.    In  about 


252 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


five  minutes  the  freedman  returned  with  the  eggs  and 
watch  on  the  same  plate.    The  watch  was  wet. 

"  What  have  you  been  doing  to  ray  watch  ?  "  asked  the 
northern  visitor.    "  Why,  it's  all  wet !  " 

Yes,  sah,"  said  the  negro.  "  I  biled  de  watch  wid  de 
eggs.    All  right  dis  time,  sah  !  " 


HOW  MUCH  IS  IT  ? 

This  is  an  ancient  story,  but  it  will  bear  repetition,  and 
has  been  started  the  round  of  the  press  again  : 

A  countryman,  with  his  bride,  stopped  at  a  hotel  the 
other  day.  At  dinner,  when  the  waiter  presented  a  bill 
of  fare,  the  young  man  inquired,  "  What's  that  ?" 

"That's  a  bill  of  fare,"  said  the  waiter. 

The  countryman  took  it  in  his  hands,  looked  inquiringly 
at  his  wife,  and  then  at  the  waiter,  and  finally  dived  into 
his  pocket,  and  insinuatingly  inquired,  "  How  much  is  it 


An  anecdote  is  told  of  a  gentleman  who  greatly  dis- 
liked the  custom  of  giving  fees  to  servants  at  hotels.  He 
provided  himself  with  a  lot  of  pennies,  and  on  leaving  the 
house  he  presented  one  to  the  waiter,  as  he  stood  bowing 
at  the  door. 

"1  beg  3^our  pardon,  sir,"  said  John;  "but  you  have 
made  a  mistake." 

"  Oh,  no,"  said  the  gentleman,  "  not  at  all.  I  never  give 
less:'   

A  knowing  traveler,  out  West,  who  had  chartered  half 
a  bed  at  a  crowded  hotel,  and  was  determined  to  have  the 
best  half,  buckled  a  spur  on  his  heel  before  turning  in. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


253 


His  unfortunate  sleeping  partner  bore  the  infliction  as  long 
as  he  could,  and  at  last  roared  out : 

"  Say,  stranger,  if  you're  a  gentleman,  you  ought  to  cut 
your  toe  nails." 

"  Do  you  call  that  a  veal  cutlet,  waiter  ? "  said  a  cus- 
tomer. "  Why,  it  is  an  insult  to  every  true  calf  in  the 
country." 

"  I  didn't  mean  to  insult  you,  sir,"  said  the  waiter. 


When  a  man  without  cash  or  credit  attempts  to  leave  a 
hotel,  and  lowers  his  valise  out  of  a  back  window  by  means 
of  a  rope,  it  makes  charity  seem  cold  to  hear  the  voice  of 
the  landlord  below,  yelling  up  :  "  All  right,  I've  got  the 
valise  ;  let  go  the  rope." 


WHAT  WOULD  THE  BOARDERS  SAY. 

Mrs.  Dipper  to  Jonesy,  who  is  deeply  in  arrears  for 
board  :  "  Mr.  Jonesy,  won't  you  step  into  the  parlor  for  a 
moment  ?  I  wish  to  speak  with  you." 

Jonesy.  "  Really,  Mrs.  Dipper,  I  should  like  to  accom- 
modate you  ;  but  what  would  the  boarders  say  at  seeing 
us  alone  ?  Think  of  the  scandal  going  through  the  papers, 
madam.    Oh  !  no  ;  excuse  me." 


EBERY  ROOM  ENGAGED. 

A  man  stopped  at  de  hotel  where  I  work  ;  after  dis- 
mounting and  tieing  his  horse,  says  he  : 

"Hallo,  landlord,  can  I  get  lodgings  here  to-night?" 

De  boss  says :  "  No,  sir,  ebery  room  in  de  house  is 
engaged." 


254 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"  Well,  can't  you  eben  gib  me  a  blanket,  and  a  bunch 
of  shavings  for  a  pillow,  in  your  bar  -  room  ?  " 

"  No,  sir,  dar's  not  a  square  foot  ob  room  anywhar  in  de 
house." 

"  Well,  den,"  said  de  traveler,  I'll  thank  you  to  shove 
a  pole  out  ob  your  second -floor  window,  and  I'll  roost  on 
dat."   

Young  Mr.  Heavyswell,  just  arrived  from  London,  went 
to  one  of  the  largest  hotels  in  Philadelphia  to  inquire 
about  rooms. 

"  Yes,  sir,"  said  the  clerk,  "  we  can  accommodate  you, 
and  would  be  pleased  to  have  you  patronize  us."  Handing 
a  key  to  a  brother  clerk,  he  said :  "  Mr.  Smith,  show  this 
gentleman  504." 

"'Pon  my  soul,  you  know,"  exclaimed  Mr.  Heavyswell, 
"  I  really  haven't  timQ  to  look  at  so  many,  you  know  ;  sup- 
pose you  show  me  a  specimen,  you  know,  of  the  others." 


BOILED  AND  SCRAMBLE  EGGS. 

During  the  Winter  of  1869,  a  drummer,  visiting  the  city 

of  R  ,  N.  C,  stopped  at  one  of  the  first-class  hotels. 

At  the  breakfast-table  he  gave  an  elaborate  order  to  the 
waiter,  and  included  in  it  "two  soft-boiled  eggs." 

Sambo  went  off  to  the  kitchen,  but  soon  returned  and 
asked : 

"  Mass'  Boss,  did  you  want  dem  eggs  scramble  ?" 

"No,"  said  the  drummer,  "I  want  them  soft-boiled." 

"All  right,  sar,"  and  off  he  trotted  again. 

In  a  few  moments  he  loomed  in  again,  and  remarked,  in 
a  most  persuasive  tone,  "  Mass'  Boss,  you  better  have  dem 
eggs  scramble  ?  " 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


255 


"  What  do  you  mean  ?"  roared  the  guest. 
"Well,"  said  Sambo,  "Mass'  Boss,  I'll  tell  you;  dem 
eggs  ain't  very  fresh,  and  dey'U  look  better  scramble." 


Just  as  a  traveler  was  writing  his  name  on  the  register 
of  a  Leavenworth  hotel,  a  bed-bug  appeared  and  took  its 
way  across  the  page.    The  man  paused  and  remarked  : 

"I've  been  bled  by  St.  Joe  fleas,  bitten  by  Kansas  City 
spiders,  and  interviewed  by  Fort  Scott  gray  backs  ;  but  I'll 
be  darned  if  I  was  ever  in  a  place  before  where  the  bed- 
bugs looked  over  the  hotel  register  to  find  out  where  your 
room  was ! " 

FIFTY  CENTS  A  DAY. 

A  thousand-and  -  one  stories  are  told  of  the  extreme 
cheapness  of  living  in  the  "  Far  West,"  but  as  to  the  way 
it  is  occasionally  done,  we  were  never  fully  aware  until  the 
matter  was  explained  by  Dan  Marble. 

"You  keep  boarders  here,  ma'am  ?"  said  an  individual, 
addressing  the  landlady  of  a  house,  upon  the  door  of  which 
he  saw  "Cheap  Boarding"  painted.  • 

"  We  do,"  was  the  response. 

"  What  do  you  charge  a  week  ?  " 

"  For  board  without  lodging,  do  you  mean  ?  "  inquired 
the  lady. 

"Yes,  ma'am." 

"  Three  meals  a  day,  sir  ?  " 

"  Yes,  ma'am." 

"Fifty  cents  is  our  regular  price,  sir." 
"Well,"  rejoined  the  inquirer,  "that's  cheap  enough,  at 
all  events.  Do  you  give  your  boarders  much  of  a  variety  ?" 
"Yes,  sir,  something  of  a  variety  —  we  give  them  dried 

17 


256 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


apples  for  breakfast,  warm  water  for  dinner,  and  let  them 
swell  up  for  supper  !  " 

THE  BILL  OF  FARE. 
A  party  of  our  friends  stopped  one  day,  a  year  or  two 
ago,  at  "  Barkis'  Hotel,"  somewhere  "  out  west,"  and  asked 
him  to  get  them  some  dinner.  "  Barkis  was  willing,"  and 
spread  before  them  the  following  bill  of  fare  ;  various, 
"that  the  tastes  of  desultory  man,  studious  of  change,  and 
pleased  with  novelty,  might  be  indulged  :  " 

Barkis'  Hotel  —  Bill  of  Fare. 

ROASTED. 

Pig,  Pork,  Ham,  Hog. 

broiled. 

Ham,  Eggs,  Ham  and  Eggs,  Hams. 

BAKED. 

Beans,  Pork  and  Beans,  Bread,  Biscuit. 


COLD 

DISHES. 

Boiled-- 

■  Ham, 

Roast  — 

Swine, 

Pork, 

Pig, 

u 

Pig, 

(C 

Pork, 

Swine, 

C4 

Ham, 

Cooked— 

-Animals, 

Baked  — 

-Pig, 

c; 

Injun, 

u 

Ham, 

C4 

Pies, 

u 

Pork, 

(C 

Cake, 

u 

Swine, 

C( 

Biscuit, 

u 

Hog, 

u 

Beans. 

u 

Beans. 

One  Scotchman  complained  to  another  that  he  had  got 
a  ringing  in  his  head. 

"Do  ye  ken  the  reason  o'  that?"  asked  the  worthy 
crony. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


257 


"No." 

"I'll  tell  je  —  it's  because  it's  empty." 
"And  ha'e  ye  never  a  ringing  in  your  head  ?"  quoth  the 
other. 

"  No,  never." 

"And  do  ye  ken  the  reason  ?  —  because  it's  cracked," 


JOE  MARSH  TAKEN  IN. 

One  cold  day,  Joe  sat  by  his  warm  bar-room  stove, 
indulging  at  once  his  indolence  and  literary  taste  —  the 
former  in  the  natural  way,  and  the  latter  in  reading  a  His- 
tory of  Napoleon. 

Joe  read  a  page  or  two,  when  he  yielded  to  a  desire  to 
sleep.  Some  of  those  roguish  boys  (of  which  Bennington 
has  not  a  few),  who  were  making  Joe  one  of  their  regular 
calls,  conceived  the  idea  of  turning  back  the  leaves  to  where 
he  first  commenced.  Joe  wakes  up  in  the  process  of  time, 
and  renews  his  reading  ;  reads  as  far  as  it  continues  inter- 
esting, when  he  again  falls  asleep,  and  the  boys  turn  back 
the  leaves  as  before.  This  is  repeated  four  times,  when  a 
bright  idea  effectually  wakes  Joe  up. 

"Gosh,  boys  !  that  Napoleon's  the  smartest  feller  ever 
lived  ;  crossed  the  Alps  four  times  in  one  day^  and  dragged 
a  heavy  cannon  after  him  !  " 

To  his  bar  he  adds  a  store  of  candies,  in  which  the  boys 
invest  all  the  cents  and  eggs,  etc.,  they  can  hook  for  the 
purpose  of  trade.  .Joe  winks  at  their  wickedness,  and 
puts  their  pilferings  into  his  till.  One  evening  a  big  boy 
brought  in  a  hen  and  sold  it  to  Joe  for  a  pound  of  candy. 
Joe  gave  him  the  candy,  and  told  him  to  put  the  hen  in 
the  barn,  which  he  did.    Soon  another  boy,  encouraged  by 


258 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


the  success,  brought  in  a  hen,  and  got  the  same  price,  and 
this  set  the  thing  going  —  the  boys  always  carrying  the 
hen  to  the  barn  at  Joe's  direction.  In  the  morning  he 
found  he  had  been  sold  badly,  having  bought  the  same  hen 
six  times,  and  one  of  his  own  at  that ! 

The  most  valuable  exterminator  we  ever  heard  of  was 
that  of  the  Dutch  peddler  who  was  traveling  through  the 
country  selling  bed-bug  medicine.  Having  sold  a  box  of 
it  for  half  a  dollar,  the  purchaser,  a  green  Dutchman, 
made  inquiry  as  to  how  it  should  be  used. 

"  Veil,  Jake,  how  you  use  dot  bug  poison  ?  " 

"  You  catch  te  pug,  opens  his  mout  und  drops  it  in." 

"  Ish  dot  te  vay  ?  " 

"  Yah." 

"Yell,  I  yoost  cotch  dem,  tramp  dem  mit  my  foot,  und 
kill  dem  dot  vay." 

"  Oh,  yah,  dat's  a  goot  vay  too." 

"John,"  said  a  New  York  country  grocer  to  his  man, 
"  have  you  watered  the  rum  ?  " 
"  Yes,  sir." 

"  Dampened  the  tobacco  ?" 
"  Yes,  sir." 

"  Sanded  the  sugar  ? " 
"  Yes,  sir." 

"  Then  you  may  come  in  to  prayers." 

A  good  story  is  told  of  an  old  gentleman  whose  eight 
or  ten  clerks  had  bored  him  to  death  with  conundrums. 
Going  home  one  evening,  he  was  stopped  in  front  of  a 
closed  store  by  a  countryman,  who  asked : 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


259 


"  Can  you  tell  me,  my  friend,  why  this  store  is  closed  ?  " 
"  Go  to  blazes,"  he  cried,  "  with  your  conundrums.  I've 
been  bored  to  death  with  'em  these  three  weeks  !  " 


A  DUTCHMAN'S  INSURANCE. 

A  certain  Dutchman  had  effected  an  insurance  on  a 
small  house,  of  four  thousand  dollars,  although  it  had  Been 
built  for  much  less.  The  house  got  burned  down,  and  the 
Dutchman  then  claimed  the  full  amount  for  which  it  had 
been  insured  ;  but  the  officers  of  the  company  refused  to 
pay  more  than  the  actual  value,  about  three  thousand 
dollars.  He  expressed  his  dissatisfaction  in  powerful 
broken  English,  interlarding  his  remarks  with  some  choice 
Teutonic  oaths. 

"If  you  wish  it,"  said  the  actuary  of  the  insurance 
company,  "we  will  build  a  house  larger  and  better  than 
the  one  burned  down,  and  we  are  positive  it  can  be  done 
for  even  less  than  three  thousand  dollars." 

To  this  proposition  the  Dutchman  objected,  but  at  last 
was  compelled  to  take  three  thousand  dollars. 

Some  weeks  after  he  had  received  the  money,  he  was 
called  upon  by  the  insurance  agent,  who  wanted  him  to 
take  out  a  policy  of  life  insurance  on  himself  or  on  his 
wife. 

"  If  you  insure  your  wife's  life  for  ten  thousand  dollars," 
the  agent  said,  "and  she  should  die,  you  would  have  the 
sum  to  solace  your  heart." 

"  Dat  be  dam  !  "  exclaimed  the  Dutchman.  "  You  'sur- 
ance  fellows  ish  all  tiefs  !  If  I  insure  my  vife,  and  my  vife 
dies,  and  I  goes  to  de  office  to  get  my  ten  thousand  dollars, 
do  I  gits  all  de  money  ?  No,  not  quite.  You  will  say  to 
me,  'She  vasn't  vorth  ten  thousand  dollars  —  she  vas  vorth 

L 


260 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


about  six  thousand  dollars.  If  you  don't  like  de  six  thou- 
sand dollars,  ve  vill  give  you  a  bigger  and  better  vife.'" 


AMUSING  ADVERTISEMENTS. 

The  character  of  a  people  may  be  known  by  their  adver- 
tisements. In  a  certain  enterprising  town  of  Pennsylvania, 
for  example,  in  the  "local  item"  department,  appears  the 
following  gracious  hint : 

Our  popular  "host,"  Captain  Harte,  in  order  to  cater  to 
the  wants  of  his  friends,  has  made  arrangements  to  supply 
them  wath  ice-cream  every  Saturday  evening.  "  Those  in 
want  of  this  delicious  bivalve  loill  do  ivell  to  callP 

In  the  same  organ  of  public  opinion  appeared,  recently, 
an  editorial  notice  of  certain  mammoth  swine  just  slaugh- 
tered by  a  Mr.  R  .    The  following  is  the  concluding 

sentence  :  "  Those  who  wish  to  look  at  a  fat  hog,  should  see 
Mr.  H  before  going  elseicherey 


GOUGH'S  "DRUGGER"  STORY. 

To  hear  Gough  tell  the  "drugger"  story  is  worth  a 
quarter  any  time.  The  story  is  a  capital  one,  but  it  takes 
the  man  to  tell  it.  This  he  does  in  some  such  words  as 
these  : 

A  long,  lean,  gaunt  Yankee  entered  a  drug-store  and 
asked : 

"Be  you  the  drugger  ?  " 
"Well,  I  s'pose  so  ;  I  sell  drugs." 

"Wall,  hev  you  got  any  of  this  here  scentin?  stuff  as 
the  gals  put  on  their  handke'chers  ?" 
"Oh,  yes." 

"Wall,  our  Sal's  gine  to  be  married,  and  she  gin  me  a 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


261 


ninepence,  and  told  me  to  invest  the  hull  'mount  in  scentin' 
stuff,  so's  to  make  her  sweet,  if  I  could  find  some  to  suit  ; 
so,  if  you've  a  mind,  I'll  jest  smell  'round." 

The  Yankee  smelled  round  without  being  suited  until 
the  "  drugger  "  got  tired  of  him  ;  and,  taking  down  a  bottle 
of  hartshorn,  said  : 

"  I've  got  a  scentin'  stuff  that  will  suit  you.  A  single 
drop  on  a  handkercher  will  stay  for  weeks,  and  you  can't 
wash  it  out ;  but  to  get  the  strength  of  it,  you  must  take  a 
o^ood  bior  smell." 

''Is  that  so.  Mister  ?  Wall,  just  hold  on  a  minute  till  I 
get  my  breath  ;  and  when  I  say  neow^  you  put  it  under  my 
smeller." 

The  hartshorn  of  course  knocked  the  Yankee  down,  as 
liquor  has  done  many  a  man.  Do  you  suppose  he  got  up 
and  smelt  again,  as  the  drunkard  does  ?  Not  he  ;  but,  roll- 
ing up  his  sleeves  and  doubling  up  his  fists,  he  said  : 

"  You  made  me  smell  that  tarnal  everlastin'  stuff.  Mister, 
and  now  I'll  make  you  smell  fire  and  brimstone." 

WANTED  SOAP. 

A  deaf  old  lady  walked  into  a  Main  Street  store,  re- 
cently, and  asked  for  ten  cents'  worth  of  soap. 

"  We  don't  sell  a  bit's  worth,"  said  the  polite  clerk 

".Yes,  I  want  the  yeller  kind,"  replied  the  old  lady. 

"  You  don't  understand  me,  madam,"  said  the  clerk  ;  "I 
said  a  bit  won't  buy  any  soap  in  this  establishment." 

"  Sure  enough,"  replied  the  aged  customer  ;  "  soap  isn't 
what  it  used  to  be  in  my  time  ;  they  put  too  much  rozum 
in  it  these  days  " 

"  Oh,  Lord  !  "  exclaimed  the  now  distracted  clerk,  in  a 
stage  whisper,  "  will  you  just  hear  this  old  lunatic  ?"  Then 


262 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


placing  his  moath  to  the  dame's  ear,  he  fairly  screamed . 
"  We  do-ri't  se-ell  a  bit's  worth  of  soap  he-re  !  " 

"Yes,"  said  the  old  lady,  "you  may  put  it  up  in  paper 
and  tie  a  string  around  it  if  you  like." 

The  clerk  rushed  to  a  box,  took  out  a  bar  of  soap,  and 
almost  threw  it  at  the  poor  old  woman,  exclaiming : 

"  Take  it  and  get,  you  old  haridan  of  thunderation  !  " 

The  old  lady  carefully  laid  her  dime  on  the  counter,  and, 
as  she  did  so,  remarked  to  the  clerk  ; 

"You're  the  politest  and  accommodatin'est  young  man  I 
ev^er  seed,  and  I'll  call  agin  when  I  want  some  more  soap." 

With  an  oath,  the  clerk  picked  up  the  bit  and  flung  it 
through  the  door  into  the  street,  and  rushed  into  the  office 
and  told  the  book-keeper  to  charge  him  with  one  bar  of 
soap  ;  and  now  he  feels  bad  because  he  didn't  buy  a  couple 
of  cherries  with  the  short  bit  he  so  rashly  flung  away. 

VERY  GERMAN. 

People  may  have  noticed  this  sign  in  Mr.  Dolan's  store, 
on  Broadway : 

"  Took  Notais. — Mebbe  you  don't  petter  had  loaf  roundt 
here  ven  you  don't  got  some  peasnis  —  ain't  it." 

We  suppose  it  was  written  by  the  same  man  who  said  : 

"  Ven  some  mans  slaps  me  on  the  shoulder  und  says  :  '  I 
vas  glad  to  hear  you  vas  so  veil,'  und  den  sticks  behind  my 
back  his  fingers  to  his  nose,  I  haf  my  opinion  of  dot  veller." 

CAPITAL  AND  EXPERIENCE. 
The  writer  was  chatting,  a  few  weeks  ago,  on  the 
piazza  of  the  United  States  Hotel,  at  Saratoga,  with  a 
bright   German   gentleman,  retired  from   business,  who 
related  the  following  little  anecdote  : 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


263 


"  Going  down  to  New  York  the  other  night  on  the  boat,'* 
said  he,  "I  got  to  chatting  with  a  German  acquaintance, 
and  asked  him  what  he  was  doing." 

"  Veil,"  he  replied,  "  shust  now  I  am  doing  nodings,  but 
I  have  made  arrangements  to  go  into  pizness." 

"  Glad  to  hear  it.    What  are  you  going  into  ?  " 

"Veil,  I  goes  into  partnership  mit  a  man." 

"  Do  you  put  in  much  capital  ?  " 

"  No  ;  I  doesn't  put  in  no  gapital." 

"  Don't  want  to  risk  it,  eh  ?  " 

"  No,  but  I  put  in  de  experience." 

"  And  he  puts  in  the  capital  ?  " 

"  Yes,  dot  is  it.  We  goes  into  pizness  for  dree  years  ; 
he  puts  in  de  gapital,  I  puts  in  the  experience.  At  the 
end  of  de  dree  years  I  will  have  the  gapital,  and  he  will 
have  the  experience." 

DEAD  BOOK  AGENT. 
A  tramp  sat  upon  a  door  -  step,  tenderly  caressing  his 
head  and  shoulders,  when  his  "  pard  "  came. 
"  What's  the  matter  with  you,  Jacob  ?  " 
"I'm  in  doubt,  Henry  ;  I'm  in  doubt." 
"  In  doubt ;   what  about  ?  " 

"Well,  Henry,  I  went  into  that  alley -gate  up  there  to 
get  somethin'  to  eat;  I  might  a-knowed  somethin'  ud 
happen,  for  tliere  was  a  dead  book  agent  lay  in'  on  the 
flower  bed,  and  a  liniment  man  with  the  side  of  his  head 
all  caved  in,  leanin'  up  again  the  peach-tree." 

"  Well?" 

"  You  see,  I  allers  was  ventursum,  so  I  asked  a  woman 
standin'  there,  would  she  give  me  a  berry  pie  and  a  piece 
of  fresh  shad  ?  " 

"  Well,  what  happened  then  ?  " 


264 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"  Now,  Henry,  that's  what  I'm  in  doubt  about.  I  don't 
seem  to  make  out  whether  the  back  of  the  porch  fell  down 
on  me,  or  I  stepped  on  a  keg  of  dynamite  and  it  bursted 
under  me.  Why,  Henry,  I'd  sooner  work  half  an  hour 
than  go  into  that  yard  agin." 


A  darkey,  left  in  charge  of  a  telegraph  office,  while  the 
operator  went  to  dinner,  heard  some  one  "  call "  over  the 
wires,  and  began  shouting  at  the  instrument : 

"  De  operator  isn't  yer  !  " 


CASE  OF  MEANNESS. 

I  was  telling  to  Uncle  Rufus  Stebbins,  not  long  since, 
the  story  of  a  mean  man.  It  happened  up  in  New  Hamp- 
shire, at  old  Dean's  store,  in  Eaton.  It  was  at  a  time  when 
money  was  scarce,  and  when  all  sorts  of  trading  at  the 
country  stores  was  done  in  barter.  One  day  a  man  named 
Sipper  —  an  old  sponge  from  Crab  -  Hollow  —  called  at  the 
store,  and  wanted  a  darning-needle,  in  exchange  for  which 
he  offered  an  egg.  Mr.  Dean  accepted  the  offer  —  took  the 
egg,  and  furnished  the  needle. 

"  Wal,"  said  Sipper,  "  arn't  ye  goin'  to  treat  ?  " 

''What  ?"  cried  the  storekeeper,  in  surprise  —  "on  that 
trade  ?  " 

"  Sartin.    A  trade's  a  trade,  ain't  it  ?    Some's  big,  an' 
some's  little  ;  but  the  little  ones  may  be  big  ones  by-'m-by." 
"  Well,  what'll  you  have  ?  " 

Sipper  said  he'd  have  a  glass  of  wine  ;  and  the  wine  was 
poured  out. 

"  Say,  Mr.  Dean,  wouldn't  you  jest  put  an  egg  into  that 
ere  wine  ?  I  like  it  better  that  way." 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


265 


Ready  now  to  humor  so  mean  a  man  in  any  way,  Dean 
broke  into  the  man's  glass  the  identical  egg  which  had  been 
paid  for  the  needle,  and  which,  as  it  fell  into  the  wine, 
proved  to  have  a  double  yolk. 

"  Hi !  Look  here  !  "  demanded  Sipper.  "  This  'ere  egg's 
got  a  double  yolk.  DonH  you  think  you  ought  to  give  me 
another  darnin'-  needle  ?  " 

"  Pooty  all -fired  mean,  that,"  said  Uncle  Rufe  ;  "but  I 
think  we've  got  his  beat  up  in  Sagadahock.  Sam  Porter 
his  name  is.  Skimaiin'  milk  on  the  top,  an'  then  turnin'  it 
over  an'  skimmin'  the  bottom  ain't  a  circumstance.  Why, 
one  day  Sam  happened  to  be  loafin'  around  Zack  Marston's 
cooper  shop,  and  he  found  a  stray  bung -hole  ;  an'  blam'me 
if  he  didn't  have  the  cheek  to  go  in  and  ask  Marston  to 
give  him  a  barrel  to  fit  that  ''ere  b  ung-hole.'^^ 

QUALITY  EXTRAORDINARY. 
"  Doctor,"  said  a  Yankee  farmer,  entering  the  store  of 
the  village  apothecary,  "that  ere  ratsbane  o'  yourn  is 
fust -rate." 

"Ah,  certainly  —  I  knew  it,"  returned  the  vender  of 
drugs,  greatly  pleased.  "  Don't  keep  nothing  but  the  pure 
things  here." 

"  Sartin,"  responded  the  husbandman,  with  a  twinkling 
nod  ;  "  and,  doctor,  I  guess  I'll  have  another  pound  of  it." 
"Another  pound?'' 

"  Yaas ;  I  gin  that  pound  'at  I  bought  last  week  to  a 
pesky  old  rat  that  has  worried  me  awfully,  and,  I  tell  ye,  it 
made  him  about  the  sickest  crittur  you  ever  see,  I  kind  o' 
reckon  as  howH  another  pound  might  kill  him."" 

About  on  a  par  with  this  is  the  complaint  of  a  man  who 
had  bought  a  keg  of  powder  for  blasting  purposes. 


266 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"  Say,  squire,"  said  the  individual  in  question,  entering 
the  store  where  he  had  purchased  the  powder,  "  d'ye  know 
that  ere  powder  o'  yourn  is  risky  stuff  to  handle  ?  " 

"  Risky  !  "  repeated  the  storekeeper,  not  quite  compre- 
hending. 

"  Yaas  —  kind  o'  dangerous." 

"  Ah  —  you  refer  to  its  intense  explosive  qualities." 

"  Explosive  qualities  !  I  don't  know  nothing  about  that ; 
but  it's  the  allfiredest  stuff  to  burn.  Why,  that  ere  keg 
caught  fire  accidentally,  and  I'm  blamed  if  the  powder 
didn't  burn  half  up  afore  we  could j^ut  it  out!'''' 


"  Buy  a  trunk,  Pat,"  said  a  dealer. 

"And  what  for  should  I  buy  a  trunk  ?"  rejoined  Pat. 

"  To  put  your  clothes  in,"  was  the  reply. 

"  And  go  naked  ?  "  exclaimed  Pat ;  "  not  a  bit  iv  it !  " 


"Do  you  know  how  to  sell  more  ale?"  asked  a  by- 
stander of  a  liquor  dealer. 
"  No,  but  I'd  like  to  know." 
"Well,  sell  less  froth." 

HOW  THEY  TRADE  IN  THE  KENTUCKY  MOUNTAINS. 

At  Point  Creek,  Jackson  County,  a  trader  had  bought 
sheep  of  a  resident.  Resident  had  one  more  to  sell,  when 
the  following  conversation  ensued  : 

Trader.    "  I'll  give  you  two  dollars  for  that  sheep." 

Resident.    "  It's  worth  five  dollars." 

Trader.    "  It  ain't  worth  two  dollars." 

Resident.    "  It's  worth  five  dollars." 

Trader.    "  It  ain't." 


WIT  AND   HUMOR.  267 

Resident  (drawing  a  large  navy).  "  What's  that  there 
sheep  worth  ?  " 

Trader.    "  Under  the  circumstances,  I  think  it's  worth 
nigh  unto  six  dollars." 
,  They  traded  forthwith. 

A  perplexed  Jew  who  had  made  a  garment  for  a  youth, 
and  found  himself  unable  to  dispose  of  the  surplus  full- 
ness, which  appeared  when  trying  it  on  the  young  candi- 
date, declared  vociferously  that  "  de  coat  is  goot.  It  is  no 
fault  of  de  coat.    De  poy  is  too  slim  !  " 


"ACCOMMODATION"  OFFERED  AT  THE  BANK. 

A  capital  example  of  what  is  often  termed  "  taking  the 
starch  out,"  happened  in  a  country  bank  in  New  England. 
A  pompous,  well-dressed  individual  entered  the  bank,  and 
addressing  the  teller,  who  is  something  of  a  wag,  inquired  : 

"  Is  the  cashier  in  ?  " 

"  No,  sir,"  was  the  reply. 

"  Well,  I  am  dealing  in  pens,  supplying  the  New  Eng- 
land banks  pretty  largely,  and  I  suppose  it  will  be  proper 
for  me  to  deal  with  the  cashier." 

"  I  suppose  it  will,"  said  the  teller. 

"  Very  well  ;  I  will  wait." 

The  pen  peddler  took  a  chair  and  sat  composedly  for  a 
full  hour,  waiting  for  the  cashier.  By  that  time  he  began 
to  grow  uneasy,  but  sat  twisting  in  his  chair  for  about 
twenty  minutes,  and,  seeing  no  prospect  of  a  change  in 
his  circumstances,  asked  the  teller  how  soon  the  cashier 
would  be  in. 

"Well,  I  don't  know  exactly,"  said  the  waggish  teller, 
but  I  expect  him  in  about  eight  weeks.   He  has  jiist  gone 


$ 

268  WIT  AND  HUMOR. 

to  Lake  Superior,  and  told  me  he  thought  he  should  come 
back  in  that  time." 

Peddler  thought  he  would  not  wait. 

"  Oh,  you  may  stay  if  you  wish,"  said  the  teller  very 
blandly.  "  We  have  no  objection  to  you  sitting  here  in 
the  day-time,  and  you  can  probably  find  some  place  in 
town  where  they  will  be  glad  to  keep  you  nights." 

The  pompous  peddler  disappeared  without  another  word. 


BANKING  RULES. 

The  following  rules  are  recommended  to  the  attention 
of  those  who  do  business  at  the  banks.  They  will  be  the 
means  of  saving  a  great  deal  of  time  and  annoyance  —  by 
not  following  them  : 

If  you  have  any  business  with  a  bank,  put  it  off  until 
two  o'clock,  or,  if  it  is  possible,  a  little  later,  as  it  looks 
more  business-like  to  rush  in  just  as  the  bank  is  closing. 

In  depositing  money,  try  to  get  it  upside  down  and 
wrong  end  foremost,  so  that  the  teller  may  have  a  little 
exercise  in  straightening  it  up  before  counting  it. 

It  is  best  not  to  take  your  bank-book  with  you,  but  call 
at  another  time  to  have  it  entered.  You  can  thus  make 
two  trips  to  the  bank  where  one  would  answer. 

If  a  check  is  made  payable  to  your  order,  be  careful  not 
to  indorse  it  before  handing  it  to  the  teller,  but  let  him 
return  it  to  you  and  wait  while  you  indorse  it ;  this  helps 
to  pass  the  time,  and  is  a  pleasure  and  relief  to  the  teller. 

You  can  generally  save  time,  when  making  a  deposit,  by 
counting  your  money  down  to  the  teller,  as  you  can  nearly 
always  count  more  speedily  and  correctly  than  he  can. 

When  you  make  a  deposit,  do  not  use  a  deposit  ticket, 


WIT  AND   HUMOR.  269 

but  mix,  indiscriminately  together,  checks  and  bills,  since 
it  facilitates  matters  exceedingly. 

If  you  make  a  deposit  of  one  hundred  dollars,  and  give 
a  check  for  fifty  dollars,  it  is  a  good  thing  to  call  fre- 
quently at  the  bank  and  ask  how  your  account  stands, 
as  it  impresses  the  officers  favorably  with  your  business 
qualifications. 

Never  keep  any  record  when  your  notes  fall  due,  and 
then  if  they  are  protested,  censure  the  bank  for  not  giving 
you  notice. 

Always  date  your  checks  ahead,  it  is  a  never  -  failing 
sign  that  you  keep  a  good  balance  in  bank,  or  if  you  do 
not  wish  it  generally  known  that  you  are  doing  a  good 
business,  do  not  deposit  your  money  until  about  the  time 
you  expect  your  check  will  be  in. 

A  strict  observance  of  the  foregoing  rules  will  make 
your  accounts  desirable  for  any  bank,  and  will  make  you  a 
general  favorite  with  all  the  bank  officers. 

A  WAY  TO  GET  KID  OF  BORROWERS. 

A  gentleman,  whose  place  of  business  is  not  a  thousand 
miles  from  the  Merchants'  Exchange,  is  annoyed,  as  many 
business  men  are,  by  impecunious  individuals  desiring 
small  loans.  He  has  adopted  the  following  method  of 
dealing  ,with  them  : 

He  will  listen  amicably  to  the  long  preface  to  the 
request  to  ''Just  lend  me  five  dollars  for  a  few  days?" 
and  answers  : 

"  Certainly,"  and  then  turning  to  a  clerk,  says : 

"James,  we  have  five  dollars  to  lend,  have  we  not  ?" 

"Yes,  sir,"  says  well -trained  James. 

"  Well,  lend  it  to  Mr.  Beet." 


270 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"  It  is  not  in,  sir,  you  loaned  it  to  Mr.  Bummer  day 
oefore  yesterday." 

"Ah,  yes  ;  so  I  did.  Well,  when  it  comes  in  lend  it  to 
Mr.  Beet;"  and  bowing  to  the  borrower,  the  merchant 
resumes  his  business,  and  the  needy  one  walks  dejectedly 
out  to  try  a  more  profitable  place. 


"  How  often  must  I  climb  three  pairs  of  stairs  before  I 
get  the  amount  of  this  little  account  ?  " 

Debtor.  "  Do  you  think  I  am  going  to  rent  a  place  on 
the  first  floor  to  accommodate  my  creditors  ?" 


Stablekeeper.  "By -the -way  shall  I  put  in  an  extra 
buffalo?" 

English  Blood.  "  Couldn't  you  let  me  'ave  an  'orse,  you 
know?  Er-er  rather  not  drive  a  buffalo  first  time,  you 
know." 

"OLD  BEN  RUSSELL." 

Probably  no  man  was  better  known  in  the  business  and 
social  circles  of  Boston,  at  a  former  period,  than  the  above- 
named  worthy. 

He  was  a  good  joker,  but  "once  on  a  time"  was  fairly 
caught  in  his  own  trap.  He  was,  perhaps,  better  known  as 
Major  Ben  Russell,  and  being  met  one  day  by  his  old  friend 
Busby,  he  was  familiarly  saluted  with  a  hearty  shake  of  the 
hand,  and  "How  do  you  do,  old  Ben  Russell  ?" 

"  Come,  now,"  said  Major  Ben,  "  I'll  not  take  that  from 
you  —  not  a  bit  of  it ;  you  are  as  old  as  I  am  this  minute." 

"  Upon  my  word,"  said  Mr.  Busby,  "  you  are  my  senior 
by  at  least  ten  years." 

"  Not  at  all,  friend  Busby,  and,  if  you  please,  we  will 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


271 


determine  that  question  very  soon — just  tell  me  what  is 
the  first  thing  you  can  recollect  ?" 

"  AVell,  the  very  first  thing  I  recollect,"  said  Mr.  Busby, 
"  was  hearing  people  say  :  '  There  goes  old  Ben  Russell ! '  " 


GERMAN  IDEA  OF  THE  THING. 

A  thin,  cadaverous- looking  German,  about  fifty  years 
of  age,  entered  the  office  of  a  health  insurance  company 
in  Indiana,  and  inquired  : 

"  Ish  te  man  in  vot  inshures  de  people's  helts  ?  " 

The  agent  politely  answered,  1  attend  to  that  business, 
sir." 

"  Yell,  I  vants  mine  helts  inshured  ;  vot  you  charge  ?  " 

"  Different  prices,"  answered  the  agent,  "  from  three  to 
ten  shillings  a  year  ;  pay  ten  dollars  a  year,  and  get  ten 
dollars  a  week,  in  case  of  sickness." 

"Vel,"  said  Mynheer,  "I  vants  ten  dollars'  vort." 

The  agent  inquired  his  state  of  health. 

"  Veil,  I  ish  sick  all  te  time.  I'se  shust  out  te  bed  two, 
tree  hours  a  tay,  und  te  doctor  says  he  can't  do  nothing 
more  goot  for  me." 

"  If  that's  the  state  of  your  health,"  returned  the  agent, 
"  we  can't  insure  it.  We  only  insure  persons  w^ho  are  in 
good  health." 

At  this,  Mynheer  bristled  up  in  great  anger. 

"You  must  tink  I'se  a  big  fool  ;  vot !  you  tink  I  come 
pay  you  ten  dollars  for  inshure  my  helt,  ven  I  vas  veil?  " 


A  negro  walked  into  a  drug  store  the  other  day,  and 
said,  "Boss,  gimme  fi'  cents  wurf  ob  squills,  fi'  cents  wurf 
ob  oppycac,  and  fi'  cents  wurf  ob  sody."     "You  think 

18 


272 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


that'll  fetch  'em,  do  you?"  jokingly  asked  the  druggist. 
"  I  dunno,  but  fo'  de  Lawd,  boss,  dat's  forty-fi'  cents  I  done 
gone  an'  spent  on  dat  nigger  wench,  un'  if  she  don't  get 
well  dis  time  I'll  break  her  back." 


A  TENDER-HEARTED  BROTHER. 
A  couple  of  enterprising  men,  doing  the  clothing  busi- 
ness at  Atlanta,  are  interviewed  by  a  customer  in  search  of 
a  coat.  The  senior  of  the  firm  handles  the  new-comer, 
and  soon  finds  a  ''first-class  fit."  In  answer  to  the  price, 
the  response  is,  "  Eighteen  dollars." 

"  Well,  sir,  I  like  your  coat  very  much,  but  don't  like 
the  price." 

"Well,  mine  frent,  ze  price  is  nothing  so  you  like  ze 
coat.    We  let  you  take  'em  at  fifteen  dollars." 

The  customer  still  complains  of  the  price,  saying  that 
fifteen  dollars  was  too  much.  This  was  too  heavy  for  the 
dealer,  so,  taking  his  customer  to  the  extreme  end  of  the 
store,  and  drawing  him  into  a  dark  corner,  he  whispers  in 
his  ear,  "Mine  frent,  I  let  you  have  zat  coat  for  twelve 
dollars  and  a  half." 

"  Well,  sir,"  said  the  customer,  "  I  like  your  coat  very 
much,  and  am  satisfied  with  the  price,  yet  I  would  like  to 
know  why  this  mysterious  performance  ?  " 

"  Veil,  mine  frent,  you  see  dot  leetle  man  dere  ?  He  was 
mine  broder.  He  got  ze  heart  disease,  and  so  help  me 
gracious,  if  he  was  to  hear  me  tell  you  I  take  twelve  dol- 
lars and  a  half  for  zat  coat  he  drop  dead  mit  his  track." 

A  demure-looking  chap  hailed  a  charcoal  peddler  with 
the  query,  "  Have  you  got  charcoal  in  your  wagon?"  "  Yes, 
sir,"  said  the  expectant  driver,  stopping  his  horses.   "  That's 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


273 


right,"  observed  the  demure  chap,  with  an  approving  nod; 
"always  tell  the  truth,  and  people  will  respect  you!"  and 
he  hurried  on,  much  to  the  regret  of  the  peddler,  who  was 
getting  out  of  the  wagon  to  look  for  a  brick. 

ANSWERING  A  TAILOR'S  DUN. 
Sheridan  —  scholar,  wit  and  spendthrift — being  dunned 
by  a  tailor  to  pay  at  least  the  interest  on  his  bill,  answered 
that  it  was  not  his  interest  to  pay  the  principal,  nor  his  prin- 
ciple to  pay  the  interest.    The  tailor  thoughtfully  retired. 


A  Western  editor  speaks  of  his  rival  as  "  mean  enough 
to  steal  the  swill  from  a  blind  hog!  "  The  rival  retorts  by 
saying:    "He  knows  he  lies;  I  never  stole  his  swill." 


An  editor  in  Illinois,  having  engaged  a  new  reporter, 
received  the  following  as  his  first  effort:  "We  are  informed 
that  the  gentleman  who  stood  on  his  head  under  a  pile-dri- 
ver for  the  purpose  of  having  a  tight  pair  of  butes  druv  on, 
shortly  found  himself  in  Chiny,  perfectly  naked,  and  with- 
out a  cent  in  his  pockets." 

An  old  farmer  said  to  his  sons:  "  Boys,  don't  you  ever 
spekerlate  or  wait  for  somethin'  to  turn  up.  You  might 
jest  as  well  go  and  sit  down  on  a  stone  in  the  middle  of  a 
medder  with  a  pail  'twixt  your  legs  and  wait  for  a  cow  to 
back  up  to  you  to  be  milked." 


A  fellow  walked  into  a  Troy  music  store  the  other  day, 
called  for  a  piece  of  music  entitled  "Act  on  the  Square," 
and,  while  the  clerk  was  looking  for  it,  walked  off  with  a 
$6.50  banjo. 


274 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


HOW  TO  BREAK  AN  OX. 

Somebody  wrote  to  the  editor  of  a  country  paper  to  ask 
how  he  would  "break  an  ox?"  The  editor  answered  as 
follows:  "If  only  one  ox,  a  good  way  would  be  to  hoist 
him  by  means  of  a  chain  attached  to  his  tail  to  the  top  of  a 
pole  forty  feet  from  the  ground.  Then  hoist  him  by  a  rope 
tied  to  his  horns  to  another  pole.  Then  descend  on  his 
back  a  five  ton  pile  driver,  and  if  that  don't  break  him,  let 
him  start  a  country  newspaper  and  trust  people  for  sub- 
scriptions.   One  of  the  two  ways  will  do  it  sure." 


An  Iowa  merchant  sent  a  dunning  letter  to  a  man  who 
replied  by  return  mail:  "You  say  you  are  holding  my 
note  yet.  That  is  all  right,  perfectly  right.  Just  keep 
holding  on  to  it,  and  if  you  find  your  hands  slipping,  spit 
on  them  and  try  again.    Yours  affectionately." 


UNTRUE  ^TO  HIMSELF. 

He  is  a  second-hand  clothier,  and  holds  forth  in  South 
St.  Joseph.  It  was  the  hour  of  ten  in  the  morning  when 
he  reeled  into  an  adjoining  establishment,  fell  into  a  chair, 
weaved  his  hands  into  the  tangled  locks  of  his  gray  hair, 
and  rocking  back  and  forth,  moaned  out : 

"  Oh  !  dear,  oh  !  dear,  I  ish  ruined." 

"Yat  is  the  matter,  Jacob,"  asked  his  sympathizing 
brother  in  the  trade,  bending  over  him. 

"You  remember  dat  coat  vot  I  paid  six  bits  for  on 
yesterday  ?  " 

"  Yes,  T  remember  him." 

"Just  now  a  man  from  the  country  comes  in  and  asks 
me  how  much  for  dat.    I  tells  him  dree  dollars;  and  would 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


275 


you  believe  it,  Moses,  he  puts  his  hand  right  into  his 
pocket  and  pays  de  full  price  without  a  word — "  Here  he 
lowered  his  voice  to  the  lowest  whisper  —  "  so  help  me  gra- 
cious, Moses,  I  pelieve  he'd  paid  me  five  dollars,  just  the 
same." 

"  Jacob,  how  you  vas  swindle  yourself." 
"  Dat  vas  vot  makes  me  hate  mine  self  so  much  as  never 
vas." 


A  TOUCH  OF  NATURE. 

It  is  seldom  in  this  cold,  busy  and  unappreciative  world 
that  we  are  called  upon  to  narrate  an  incident  of  genuine 
feeling;  to  see  exemplified  in  our  e very-day  life  the  ''touch 
of  nature  that  makes  the  whole  world  kin  ; "  but  here  is  a 
case  that  should  not  be  allowed  to  pass  into  oblivion  with- 
out at  least  a  passing  notice. 

The  incident  refers  to  a  Chicago  firm,  composed  of  two 
partners,  engaged  in  the  cheap  clothing  business.  One  of 
them  fell  sick  and  died,  and  it  is  with  his  dying  words,  so 
fraught  with  genuine  feeling,  that  we  have  to  deal. 

A  man  by  the  name  of  Ferguson  was  one  of  their  cus- 
tomers. He  came  to  that  city  to  buy  a  bill  of  goods  after 
the  melancholy  death  of  one  of  the  partners.  The  surviv- 
ing member  of  the  firm  met  him  at  the  door,  draped  in 
solemn  sables,  and  wringing  his  hands  in  almost  speechless 
anguish,  thus  addressed  him  : 

"Ah,  Mr.  Ferguson,  I'm  glad  to  see  you.    We've  had  a 

loss,  a  serious  loss,  Mr.  Ferguson  ;  Mr.  H   is  dead. 

He  was  a  fine  man,  Mr.  Ferguson,  and  he  thought  a  great 
deal  of  you.  Many  and  many  a  time,  when  he  couldn't 
sit  upon  his  elbow  and  take  his  broth,  he's  said  to  me,  '  Oh, 
if  I  could  only  see  Mr.  Ferguson  again!'    And  the  day  he 


276 


WIT    AND  HUMOR. 


died,  Mr.  Ferguson,  the  words  he  said  to  me  were,  '  Solo- 
mons, when  Mr.  Ferguson  comes  to  Chicago  after  I'm  dead 
and  gone,  be  sure  you  sell  him  goods  at  the  very  lowest 
bottom  price.'  And  I  will,  too,  Mr.  Ferguson.  What  shall 
I  show  you  ?  " 

A  book  -  agent  took  refuge  under  a  hay  -  stack  during  a 
thunder  storm  and  the  lightning  struck  him  on  the  cheek, 
glanced  off  and  killed  a  mule  two  hundred  yards  away. 


Please  sir,"  said  a  boy,  with  two  bottles,  to  a  grocer, 
"  mother  wants  a  cent's  worth  of  your  best  yeast." 
"  Well,  which  bottle  will  you  have  it  in  ?" 

Please,  sir,  she  wants  it  in  both  ;  and  won't  you  put 
corks  in  'em  and  send  'em  home,  as  I'm  going  t'other  way. 
And  mother  says  she  hasn't  got  a  cent ;  but  you  must 
charge  it." 

A  Kansas  City  German  got  angry  with  a  banker  of  that 
place  for  demanding  a  heavyMiscount,  and  when  the  banker 
asserted  it  was  "  business,"  replied  : 

"  Pisiness  ?  Pisiness  ?  You  sit  here  all  day  long  and 
rob  a  man  barefaced  before  his  pack  und  calls  dat  pisi- 
ness ! " 

"PULL  DOWN  YOUR  VEST." 

"  You  keep  vests,  mine  friend,"  said  a  Dutchman,  enter- 
in?^  a  Fulton  clothing  store  the  other  day.  The  clerk 
promptly  averred  that  the  store  was  crammed  with  them. 

''I  vant  a  vest,"  said  the  Teuton,  "vat  don't  rise  up  on 
his  hint  legs  mit  the  neck.  I  bought  one  in  Syracuse  not 
long  ago  mit  a  two  dollar  bill,  und  by  shimminy  I  don't 
notice  dot  myself,  but  everywhere  I  go  the  boys  gry  out 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


277 


mit  der  streets  :  '  Yacub,  vy  in  der  name  of  der  board  of 
drusdees  don't  you  pull  down  your  vest  down?' and,  py 
dam,  I  have  pulled  dot  vest  mor'n  dree  dousand  dimes,  till 
I  wore  all  the  pindings  off  mit  der  puttons  !  " 

The  clerk  explained  the  joke  and  sold  him  a  vest,  anc^ 
the  old  man  went  out  with  the  exclamation  : 

"  Py  shimminy,  I  don't  hear  somedings  about  dot  in 
Shermany  before  " 

PAY  IN  PORK. 

A  traveler  for  a  Battery  street  firm  had  just  returned 
from  a  collection  trip,  and  he  leaned  up  against  the  desk  in 
a  picturesque  attitude  to  make  his  report. 

"How  about  Slocum?"  asked  the  principal,  after  several 
other  customers  had  been  talked  over. 

"  Oh,  he's  all  right,"  said  the  traveler,  "  he'll  pay.  He 
says  he'll  pay  you  in  pork." 

"  Pork!"  exclaimed  the  merchant.  "  Pork,  nonsense.  This 
is  a  dry  goods  house;  what  in  thunder  does  he  mean  by  say- 
ing he'll  pay  me  in  pork?  " 

"Well,  I  don't  know,"  replied  the  unruffled  traveler; 
"  but  he  told  me  he'd  pay  you  in  a  hog's  eye,  and  I  guess 
that  means  pork." 

THE  DAY  OF  JUDGMENT. 

"When,"  said  he  violently,  "when  are  you  going  to  pay 
me  that  bill  ?  I've  dunned  you  till  I'm  tired  and  mad. 
Now,  I  want  a  positive  answer — when  will  you  pay  it?" 

"  By  Jove  !  "  was  the  reply,  "  you  must  take  me  for  a 
prophet.    How  can  I  tell  ?  " 

When  Charles  James  Fox  was  pressed  by  an  importu- 
nate creditor,  he  was  explicit. 


278 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"I  beg  your  pardon,  Mr.  Fox,"  said  the  dun,  "but  you 
know  I  have  waited  a  long  while.  Still,  1  do  not  want  to 
make  the  time  of  payment  inconvenient  to  you.  I  only 
desire  you  will  fix  upon  some  day  certain  in  the  future 
when  you  will  pay." 

"That  is  very  kind  of  you,"  responded  Fox,  "and  I  will 
accede  to  your  request  with  pleasure.  Suppose  we  name 
the  Day  of  Judgment.  But  stop,  since  that  will  be  a  very 
busy  day,  suppose  we  say  the  day  after." 


SCENE-A  BUTCHER'S  STAND. 

Butcher.  "Come,  John,  be  lively  now  ;  break  the  bones 
in  Mr.  Williamson's  chops  and  put  Mr.  Smith's  ribs  in  the 
basket  for  him." 

John  (briskly).  "All  right,  sir;  just  as  soon  as  I've 
sawed  off  Mrs.  Murphy's  leg." 


A  PHILOSOPHER. 

The  proprietor  of  a  tan -yard  adjacent  to  a  certain  town 
in  Virginia,  concluded  to  build  a  stand,  or  sort  of  store,  on 
one  of  the  main  streets,  for  the  purpose  of  vending  his 
leather,  buying  raw  hides,  and  the  like.  After  completing 
his  building,  he  began  to  consider  what  sort  of  a  sign  would 
be  best  to  put  up  for  the  purpose  of  attracting  attention  to 
his  new  establishment,  and  for  days  and  weeks  he  was  sorely 
puzzled  on  this  subject. 

At  last  a  happy  idea  struck  him.  He  bored  an  auger- 
hole  through  the  door-post,  and  stuck  a  calf's  tail  into  it, 
with  the  bushy  end  flaunting  out.  After  a  while  he  noticed 
a  grave -looking  personage  standing  near  the  door  with  his 
spectacles  on,  gazing  intently  on  the  sign.    And  there  he 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


279 


continued  to  stand,  gazing  and  gazing,  until  the  curiosity  of 
the  tanner  was  greatly  excited  in  turn.    He  stepped  out, 
and  addressed  the  individual : 
"  Good  morning,"  said  he. 

"  Morning,"  said  the  other,  without  moving  his  eyes  from 
the  sign. 

"  You  want  to  buy  leather  ?  "  said  the  store-keeper. 
"  No." 

"  Do  you  wish  to  sell  hides  ?  " 
"  No." 

"Are  you  a  farmer?" 
"  No." 

"  Are  you  a  merchant  ?  " 
"  No." 

"  Are  you  a  lawyer  ?  " 
"  No." 

"  Are  you  a  doctor  ?  " 
"  No." 

"  What  are  you,  then  ?  " 

"  I'm  a  pJiilosopher,  I  have  been  standing  here  for  an 
hour,  trying  to  see  if  I  could  ascertain  how  that  calf  got 
through  that  auger  -  hole." 

CONUNDRUMS. 

Why  is  a  kiss  like  scandal  ?  Because  it  goes  from 
mouth  to  mouth. 

Why  is  a  whisper  forbidden  in  polite  society?  Because 
it  isn't  aloud. 

Why  are  young  ladies  at  the  breaking  up  of  a  party  like 
arrows  ?  Because  they  can't  go  off  without  a  beau,  and 
are  all  in  a  quiver  till  they  get  one. 


280 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


If  the  devil  were  to  lose  his  tail,  where  would  he  go  to 
get  a  new  one  put  on?  To  some  low  grog-shop,  where  the 
worst  of  spirits  are  retailed. 

When  is  a  man  out  of  date  ?    When  he's  a  weak  back. 

In  what  key  would  .a  lover  write  a  proposal  of  marriage? 
Be  mine  ah  ! 

Why  is  a  rooster  on  a  fence  like  a  nickel  ?  Head  on 
one  side,  tail  on  the  other. 

"Clara,"  asked  Tom,  "what  animal  dropped  from  the 
clouds  ?  "    "  The  rain,  dear,"  was  the  reply. 

When  are  stockings  like  dead  men  ?  When  they  are 
men-ded  ;  when  their  soles  are  departed  ;  when  they  are  in 
holes  5  when  they  are  past  heeling ;  when  they  are  no 
longer  on  their  last  legs. 

What  did  the  spider  do  when  he  came  out  of  the  ark  ? 
He  took  a  fly  and  went  home. 

Why  is  a  minister  near  the  end  of  his  sermon  like  a 
ragged  urchin  ?    Because  he's  toward  his  close. 

Why  is  a  mouse  like  a  load  of  hay  ?  Because  the  cat'll 
eat  it. 

"  Why,"  asked  Pat,  one  day,  "  why  was  Balaam  a  first- 
class  astronomer  ?  "  The  other  man  gave  it  up,  of  course. 
"  Shure,"  said  Pat,  "  'twas  because  he  had  no  trouble  in 
finding  an  ass-to-roid." 

Why  should  no  man  starve  on  the  deserts  of  Arabia  ? 
Because  of  the  sand  which  is  there. 

How  came  the  sandwiches  there?  The  tribe  oi  Ham 
was  hred  there  and  mustered. 


WIT  AND   HUMOR.  281 

"Jim,  kin  you  tell  me  de  difrence  between  a  rotten 
head  of  cabbage  and  a  watermelon  ?  " 
"No,  sah." 

"  Well,  for  de  land  sakes,  you'd  be  a  nice  nigger  to  send 
out  to  buy  a  watermelon  !    E'yah  !  e'yah  !  " 

Why  is  a  dishonest  bankrupt  like  an  honest  poor  man  ? 
Because  both  fail  to  get  rich. 

When  does  a  farmer  act  with  great  rudeness  toward  his 
corn  ?    When  he  pulls  its  ears. 

Why  is  a  tom-cat  like  a  surgeon  ?  Because  they  both 
mew-till-late. 

Why  is  old  age  like  a  dog's  tail  ?    Because  it  is  in-firm. 

Why  does  a  donkey  like  thistles  better  than  corn  ? 
Because  he  is  an  ass. 

Why  should  young  ladies  never  wear  stays  ?  Because  it 
is  so  horrid  to  see  a  girl  "tight." 

Why  is  a  room  full  of  married  ladies  like  an  empty  room? 
Because  there  is  not  a  single  one  in  it. 

What  animals  are  always  seen  at  funerals?    Black  kids. 

When  does  the  rain  become  too  familiar  with  a  lady  ? 
When  it  begins  to  pat  her  (patter)  on  the  back. 

Why  should  soldiers  be  rather  tired  on  the  first  of 
April  ?  Because  they  have  just  had  a  March  of  thirty-one 
days. 

Which  is  the  most  popular  of  the  United  States  ?  Mat- 
rimony. 

Why  was  the  whale  that  swallowed  Jonah  like  a  milk- 


282 


WIT  AND  HUMOR, 


man  who  has  retired  on  an  independence  ?  Because  he 
took  a  great  profit  out  of  the  water. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  sailor  and  a  beer- 
drinker  ?  One  puts  his  sail  up,  and  the  other  puts  his  ale 
down. 

Why  is  a  tin  can  tied  to  a  dog's  tail  like  death  ?  Because 
it's  somethino;  bound  to  a  cur. 

Why  are  little  puppy  dogs  like  some  churches?  Because 
they  depend  upon  dog-mas  for  their  existence. 

Why  did  Joseph's  brethren  put  him  in  the  pit  ?  1.  Be- 
cause they  thought  it  was  a  good  opening  for  the  young- 
man.  2.  Because  there  was  no  room  for  him  in  the  family 
circle. 

What  is  the  difference  between  the  North  and  South 
Pole  ?    All  the  difference  in  the  world. 

If  you  were  going  through  the  woods,  which  had  you 
rather  have,  a  lion  eat  you  or  a  bear  ?    The  lion  eat  a  bear. 


COULDN'T  RUN  ANY  GAME  ON  THE  YANKEE. 

On  the  bank  of  the  Hudson  River,  in  one  of  the  villages 
that  dot  its  shores,  a  lot  of  idlers  were  standing,  seeing 
which  could  throw  stones  the  farthest  into  the  stream.  A 
tall,  raw-boned,  slab-sided  Y^ankee,  and  no  mistake,  came 
up  and  looked  on.  For  a  while  he  said  nothing  till  a  fellow 
in  a  green  jacket,  the  leader  of  the  party,  a  conceited  broth 
of  a  boy,  began  to  try  his  wit  on  Jonathan. 

"  You  canH  come  that^'^  said  he,  and  he  hurled  a  stone 
away  out  into  the  river. 

"  Maybe  not,"  ^aid  Jonathan  ;  "  but  up  in  our  country 
we've  a  purty  big  river,  considerin',  and  t'other  day  I  hove 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


283 


a  man  clear  across  it,  and  he  came  down  fair  and  square  on 
the  other  side." 

"  Ha,  ha,  ha  !  "  yelled  his  auditors. 

"  Wal,  neow,  yew  may  laff,  but  I  can  do  it  again." 

"Do  what  ?"  said  the  green  jacket,  quickly. 

"I  can  take  and  heave  you  across  that  river  yonder,  just 
like  open  and  shet." 

"  Bet  j^ou  ten  dollars  of  it." 

"Done,"  said  the  Yankee  ;  and  drawing  forth  an  X 
(upon  a  broken  down-east  bank)  he  covered  the  bragger's 
shinplaster. 

"  Kin  you  swim,  feller  ?  " 

"  Like  a  duck,"  said  green  jacket ;  and  without  further 
parley  the  Vermonter  seized  the  knowing  Yorker  stoutly 
by  the  nape  of  the  neck  and  the  basement  of  his  pants, 
jerked  him  from  his  foot-hold,  and  with  an  almost  super- 
human effort  dashed  the  bully  heels  over  head  from  the 
bank,  some  ten  yards  into  the  Hudson. 

A  terrible  shout  ran  through  the  crowd  as  he  floundered 
into  the  water,  and  amidst  the  jeers  and  screams  of  his 
companions  the  ducked  bully  put  back  to  the  shore  and 
scrambled  up  the  bank,  half  frozen  by  this  sudden  and  in- 
voluntary cold  bath. 

"I'll  take  that  ten  spot,  if  you  please,"  said  the  shivering 
loafer,  advancing  rapidly  to  the  stakeholder.  "You  took 
us  for  greenhorns,  eh  ?  We'll  show  you  how  to  do  things 
down  here  in  York  and  the  fellow  claimed  the  twenty 
dollars. 

"Wall,  I  reck'n  yeou  wunt  take  no  ten  spots  jis'  yit, 
captin'." 

"  Why  ?    You've  lost  the  bet." 

"  Not  exzactly.    I  didn't  calkilate  on  deuin  it  the  first 

M 


284 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


time  ;  but  I  tell  you  I  kin  deu  it,"  and  in  spite  of  the 
loafer's  utmost  efforts  to  escape  him,  he  seized  him  by  the 
back  of  the  neck,  and  the  seat  of  his  overalls,  and  pitched 
him  three  yards  further  into  the  river  than  upon  the  first 
trial  ! 

Again  the  bully  returned  amidst  the  shouts  of  his  mates, 
who  enjoyed  the. sport  immensely. 

Third  time  never  fails,"  said  the  Yankee,  stripping  off 
his  coat  ;  "  I  kin  deu  it,  I  tell  ye." 

"Hold  on! "  said  the  almost  petrified  victim. 

"  And  I  will  deu  it  if  I  try  till  to-morrow  mornin'." 

"I  give  it  up!"  shouted  the  sufferer  between  his  teeth, 
which  now  chattered  like  a  mad  badger's;  "  take  the  money," 

The  Vermonter  very  coolly  pocketed  the  ten  spot,  and  as 
he  turned  away  remarked  : 

"  We  ain't  much  acquainted  with  your  smart  folks  daoun 
here  in  York,  but  we  sometimes  take  the  starch  aout  of  'em 
up  our  way  ;  and  p'rhaps  yeou  wunt  try  it  ontu  strangers 
agin.  I  reck'n  yeou  wunt,"  he  continued,  and  putting  on  a 
broad  grin  of  good-humor,  he  left  the  company  to  their  re- 
flections. 


A  market  girl  sold  a  gentleman  a  fine  fat  goose,  warrant- 
ing it  to  be  young.  It  turned  out,  when  roasted,  to  be  un- 
manageably tough.  The  next  day  the  gentleman  said  to  the 
marketer :  "  That  goose  which  you  sold  to  me  for  a  young 
one  was  very  old." 

"Certainly  not,"  said  the  girl;  "don't  you  call  me 
young  ?  " 
"Yes." 

"Well,  T  am  but  nineteen,  and  I  heard  mother  say  often 
that  that  goose  was  six  weeks  younger  than  me." 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


286 


A  MULE  TO  BET  ON. 

Jake  Johnson  had  a  mule.  There  was  nothing  remark- 
able in  the  mere  fact  of  his  being  possessor  of  such  an 
animal,  but  there  was  something  peculiar  about  the  mule. 
He  (the  animal)  could  kick  higher,  hit  harder  on  the  slight- 
est provocation,  and  act  uglier  than  any  other  mule  known 
on  record. 

One  morning,  riding  his  mule  to  market,  Jake  met  Jim 
Boo-ors,  ao;ainst  whom  he  had  an  old  and  concealed  2:rudo;e. 
He  knew  Boggs'  weakness  lay  in  bragging  and  betting ; 
therefore  he  saluted  him  accordingly. 

"  How  are  you,  Jim  ?    Fine  morning." 

"  Hearty,  'Squire,"  replied  Jim.  Fine  weather.  Nice 
mule  that  you  are  riding.    Will  he  do  to  bet  on  ?  " 

"Bet  on?  Guess  he  will  do  that.  I  tell  you,  Jim  Boggs, 
he's  the  best  mule  in  the  country." 

"  Great  smash  !    Is  that  so  ?  "  ejaculated  Jim. 
Solid  truth,  every  word  of  it.    Tell  you  confidentially, 
I  am  taking  him  down  for  betting  purposes.    I  bet  he  can 
kick  a  fly  off  any  man  without  its  hurting  him." 

"  Now  look  here,  'Squire,"  said  Jim,  "  I  am  not  a  betting 
character,  but  I'll  bet  you  something  on  that  myself." 

"Jim,  there's  no  use — don't  bet.  I  don't  want  to  win 
your  money." 

"  Don't  be  alarmed,  'Squire.  I'll  take  such  bets  as  them 
every  time." 

"  Well,  if  you  are  determined  to  bet,  I  will  risk  a  small 
stake — say  five  dollars." 

"All  right,  'Squire — you're  my  man.  But  who'll  he  kick 
the  fly  off?  There  is  no  one  here  but  you  and  I.  You  try 
it." 


286 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"  No,"  says  Johnson ;  "  I  have  to  be  at  the  mule's  head 
to  order  him.'' 

"Oh,  yaas,"  says  Jim.  "Then  probably  I'm  the  man. 
Waal,  I'll  do  it,  but  you  are  to  bet  ten  against  my  five  if  I 
risk  it?" 

"All  right,"  quoth  the  'Squire.  "Now  there's  a  fly  on 
your  shoulder.  Stand  still."  And  Johnson  adjusted  the 
mule. 

"  Whist,  Jervey  !  "  said  he. 

The  mule  raised  his  heels  with  such  velocity  and  force 
that  Boggs  rose  in  the  air  like  a  bird  and  alighted  on  all 
fours  in  a  muddy  ditch,  bang  up  against  a  rail  fence. 

Rising  in  a  towering  passion,  he  exclaimed  : 

"  Yaas,  that  is  smart!  I  knew  your  darned  mule  couldn't 
do  it.  You  had  all  that  put  up.  I  wouldn't  be  kicked  like 
that  for  fifty  dollars.  You  can  just  fork  over  them  stakes 
for  it,,  any  way." 

"  Not  so  fast,  Jim.  Jervey  did  just  what  I  said  he  would 
— that  is,  kick  a  fly  off  a  man  without  its  hurting  him.  You 
see  the  mule  is  not  hurt  by  the  operation.  However,  if  you 
are  not  satisfied,  we  will  try  again  as  often  as  you  wish." 

"  The  deuce  take  you,"  growled  Jim,  "  I'd  rather  have  a 
barn  fall  on  me  at  once  than  have  the  critter  kick  me  again. 
Keep  the  stakes,  but  don't  say  anything  about  it." 

AN  INQUISITIVE  YANKEE. 

A  peering  New  Englander  overtook  a  gentleman  who 
was  traveling  on  horseback,  notwithstanding  the  disadvan- 
tage of  having  lost  a  leg.  His  curiosity  was  awakened,  as 
he  rode  alongside  of  him,  to  know  how  he  chanced  to  meet 
with  such  a  misfortune. 

"  Been  in  the  army,  I  guess  ?  " 


WIT  AND   HUMOR.  287 

"  Never  was  in  the  army  in  my  life,"  was  the  reply. 

"  Fit  a  duel  ?  " 

"  Never  fought  a  duel,  sir." 

"  Horse  throwed  you  off,  I  guess,  or  something  of  that 
sort?" 

"  No,  sir  ;  nothing  of  that  kind." 

Jonathan  tried  various  dodges,  but  to  no  effect,  and  at 
last,  almost  out  of  patience  with  himself,  as  well  as  with  the 
gentleman,  whose  patience  was  very  commendable,  he  deter- 
mined on  a  direct  inquiry  as  to  the  nature  of  the  accident 
by  which  the  gentleman  had  come  to  lose  his  leg. 

"  1  will  tell  you,"  replied  the  traveler,  "  on  condition 
that  you  will  promise  not  to  ask  me  another  question." 

"Agreed  !  "  exclaimed  the  eager  listener. 

"Well,  sir,"  remarked  the  gentleman,  "it  was  bit  off!  " 

"  Bit  off !  "  cried  Jonathan.  "  Wa'al,  I  declare;  I  should 
jes  like  to  know  what  on  airth  bit  it  off  ?  " 


"DARNED  SMART  FELLERS." 

They  used  to  locate  the  "  darned  smart  feller,"  who 
always  got  the  best  of  a  bargain,  in  New  England.  They 
called  him  sometimes  a  "  Connecticut  Yankee."  It  was  he 
who,  as  the  story  ran,  confused  the  slow-going  grocer  with 
an  intricate  mathematical  calculation,  and  absorbed  his  beer 
scot-free. 

"How  much,"  said  he,  in  a  rapid,  rattling  sort  of  a  way 
not  common  in  country  towns,  which  of  itself  rather 
startled  the  grocer  —  "how  much  are  herrings  this  morn- 
ing?" 

Slowly  answered  the  grocer,  "Three  cents  apiece." 
"Ah,"  said  Smarty,  briskly,  "I'll  take  one  ;"  and  the 

19 


288 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


grocer  rolled  him  up  his  herring.  As  he  took  the  parcel  a 
new  thought  struck  him. 

"  Keep  beer  ?  "  he  shouted  explosively. 

"  Yes,"  said  the  grocer,  as  soon  as  he  recovered  from  the 
shock  of  his  customer's  abruptness. 

"How  much  a  glass  ?" 

"Three  cents." 

"  Oh,  ah,"  said  the  customer,  thoughtfully,  and  then  with 
great  rapidity  :  "  Well,  T  won't  take  the  herring — I'll  take 
beer  ;  herring's  three  cents  ;  beer's  three  cents  ;  give  me 
the  beer — there's  the  herring ; "  and  he  passed  over  the 
herring,  drank  the  beer,  and  started  to  go. 

"See  here,"  interrupted  the  grocer,  "you  haven't  paid 
for  the  beer." 

"  Paid  for  it ;  of  course  I  haven't ;  I  gave  you  the  her- 
ring for  it ;  both  the  same  price,  you  said." 

"  Y-e-s — I  know,"  said  the  grocer,  who  was  getting  con- 
fused ;  "but  you  didn't  pay  for  the  herring." 

"Pay  for  it!"  thundered  Smarty  ;  "of  course  I  didn't. 
Why  should  I  ?    I  didn't  take  it,  did  I  ?  " 

And  then  the  grocer  said  meekly :  "Oh,  well,  I  presume 
it's  all  right — only  I  don't — but  of  course  you're  correct — 
only,  if  you'd  just  as  leave,  I  wish  you'd  trade  some- 
where else." 

The  customer  retired,  and  the  grocer  fell  into  a  brown 
study,  from  which  he  at  length  emerged  with  the  remark, 
"Well,  that's  a  darned  smart  feller  anyhow." 


A  New  Hampshire  man  told  a  story  about  a  flock  of 
crows  three  miles  long  and  so  thick  you  could  not  see  the 
sun  through  it. 

"  Don't  believe  it,"  was  the  reply. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


289 


"Wa'al,"  said  the  narrator,  "you're  a  stranger,  and  I 
don't  want  to  quarrel  with  you  ;  so,  to  please  you,  I'll  take 
off  a  quarter  of  a  mile  in  the  thinnest  part." 

An  Englishman  was  boasting  to  a  Yankee  that  they  had 
a  book  in  the  British  Museum  which  was  once  owned  by 
Cicero. 

"  Oh,  that  ain't  nothin',"  retorted  the  Yankee  ;  "  in  the 
museum  in  Boston  they've  got  the  lead-pencil  that  Noah 
used  to  check  off  the  animals  that  went  into  the  ark." 


PEDDLER  MATCHING  A  SHERIFF. 

There  was  a  sheriff  in  Illinois,  who  was  rather  "taken 
in  and  done  for,"  on  one  occasion.  He  made  it  a  prominent 
part  of  his  business  to  ferret  out  and  punish  peddlers  of 
merchandise  who  traveled  without  a  license;  but  one  morn- 
ing he  met  his  match  —  a  genuine  Yankee  peddler. 

"  What  have  you  got  to  sell  ?  Anything  ?  "  asked  the 
sheriff. 

"  Yaas,  sartin' ;  what  would  you  like  to  hev?  Got  razors 
—  first-rate  ;  that's  an  article  that  you  want,  tew,  Square, 
I  should  say,  by  the  look  o'  your  haird.  Got  good  blackiu' 
— 'fill  make  them  old  cowhide  boots  o'  yourn  shine  so't  you 
you  can  shave  into  'em,  e'enamost.  Balm  o'  Klumby,  tew — 
only  a  dollar  a  bottle,  good  for  the  hair,  and  assistin'  poor 
human  natur',  as  the  poet  says." 

And  so  he  rattled  on.  At  length  the  sheriff  bought  a 
bottle  of  the  Balm  of  Columbia,  and  in  reply  to  the  ques- 
tion whether  he  wanted  anything  else,  that  functionary  said 
that  he  did — he  wanted  to  see  the  Yankee's  license  for  ped- 
dling in  Illinois,  that  being  his  duty  as  the  high  sheriff  of  the 
State, 


290 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


The  peddler  showed  him  a  document,  fixed  up  good  and 
strong,  in  black  and  white.  The  sheriff  looked  at  it,  and 
pronounced  it  "all  right."  Then  handing  back  the  bottle 
to  the  peddler,  he  said  : 

"  I  don't  know,  now  that  I've  bought  this  stuff,  that  I 
shall  ever  want  it.  I  reckon  that  I  may  as  well  sell  it  to 
you  again.    What  will  you  give  for  it  ?  " 

"  Oh,  I  don't  know  that  the  darned  stuff  is  any  use  to  me 
but  seeing  its  you^  sheriff,  I'll  give  you  twenty-five  cents  for 
it,  ef  you  raly  doyiH  want  it." 

The  sheriff  handed  over  the  bottle,  at  the  six  shillings 
discount  from  his  own  purchase,  and  received  his  change. 

"  Now,"  said  the  peddler,  "  I've  got  a  question  or  tew  to 
ask  yon,  Hev  you  got  a  peddler's  license  about  your  trow- 
sers  anywhere  ?  " 

"  No  ;  I  haven't  any  use  for  the  article  myself ^^"^  replied 
the  sheriff. 

"  Haint,  eh  ?  Wal,  T  guess  we'll  see  about  that  pretty 
darned  soon.  Ef  I  understand  the  law,  it's  a  clean  case 
that  you've  been  tradin'  with  me,  and  hawkin'  and  peddlin' 
Balm  o'  Klumby  on  the  highway,  and  I  shall  inform  on  you 
— darn'd  ef  I  don't^  neow  !  " 

The  Yankee  was  as  good  as  his  word.  When  he  reached 
the  next  village,  he  made  his  complaint,  and  the  sheriff  was 
fined  eight  dollars  for  selling  without  a  license. 

The  sheriff  was  heard  afterward  to  say  that  "  you  might 
as  well  try  to  hold  a  greased  eel  as  a  live  Yankee." 


A  Yankee  in  Paris,  who  was  listening  to  the  boasts  of  a 
lot  of  English  and  French  artists  about  the  wonderful  genius 
of  their  respective  countrymen,  at  length  broke  out,  saying  : 
"  Oh,  pshaw!  you  git  out!    Why,  there's  Bill  Divine,  of  our 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


291 


village,  who  kin  paint  a  piece  of  cork  so  exactly  like  marble 
that  the  minute  you  throw  it  into  the  water  it  will  sink  to 
the  bottom  just  like  a  stone." 


The  Dutchman  was  a  victim  to  a  practical  joke,  who  lost 
five  dollars  to  the  Yankee,  on  a  bet  that  the  Yankee  could 
eat  the  Dutchman.  Jonathan  beo-an  the  mastication  at  the 
extremities,  and  was  soon  saluted  by  the  roar  and  kick  of 
the  Dutchman.  "  Oh,  dunder  and  blitzen  !  stop  dat  bitin'. 
Take  your  fife  dollar.    It  hurts  !  " 


A  man  about  thirty  years  old,  having  a  shot  -  gun  on  his 
shoulder  and  two  pigeons  in  his  hand,  was  recently  standing 
on  a  street  corner  telling  a  crowd  that  he  had  been  out  and 
killed  five  hundred  pigeons  since  sunrise. 

"  You're  a  liar ! "  shouted  a  man  on  the  edge  of  the 
crowd. 

The  stranger  looked  at  him  long  and  earnestly,  and  then 
inquired  : 

"  Where  did  you  get  acquainted  with  me  ?  " 


HOW  TO  TAKE  OUT  THE  SCENT. 

Sitting  on  the  piazza  of  the  Cataract  House,  a  few  Sum- 
mers ago,  was  a  young,  foppish  -  looking  gentleman^  his 
garments  very  highly  scented  with  a  mingled  odor  of  musk 
and  cologne.  A  solemn-faced  old  man,  after  passing  the 
dandy  several  times  with  a  look  of  aversion  which  drew 
general  notice,  suddenly  stopped,  and  in  a  confidential  tone, 
said : 

"  Stranger,  I  know  what'll  take  that  scent  out  of  youi 
slothes  ;  you  — ■ — " 


292 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"What  do  you  mean,  sir  ?"  said  the  exquisite,  fired  with 
indignation,  starting  from  his  chair. 

"Oh,  get  mad  now  —  swear,  pitch  around  and  fight, 
because  a  man  wants  to  do  you  a  kindness ! "  coolly  replied 
the  stranger.  "  But  I'll  tell  you  I  do  know  what'll  take  out 
that  smell  —  phew!  you  must  bury  your  clothes;  bury  'em 
a  day  or  two.    Uncle  Josh  got  afoul  of  a  skunk,  and  he — " 

At  that  instant  there  went  up  from  the  crowd  a  simulta- 
neous roar  of  merriment,  and  the  dandy  very  sensibly 
"  cleared  the  coop,"  and  rushed  up  stairs. 


TOO  BAD. 

Very  stern  parent  indeed.  "  Come  here,  sir  !  What  is 
this  complaint  the  schoolmaster  has  made  against  you  ?" 

Much  injured  youth.  "  It's  just  nothing  at  all.  You  see, 
Jimmy  Hughes  bent  a  pin,  and  I  only  just  left  it  on  the 
teacher's  chair  for  him  to  look  at,  and  he  came  in  without 
his  specs  and  sat  right  down  on  the  pin,  and  now  he  wants 
to  blame  me  for  it !  " 


"Why  Sammy,"  said  a  father  to  his  little  son  the  other 
day,  "  T  didn't  know  that  your  teacher  whipped  you  last 
Friday." 

"I  guess,"  he  replied,  "if  you'd  been  in  my  trousers 
you'd  know'd  it." 

A  remarkable  game  of  cards  was  played  in  the  base- 
ment of  a  house  on  Washington  street  yesterday.  The  boy 
of  the  house  had  just  turned  up  a  diamond  and  was  waiting 
for  the  other  boy  to  lead,  when  the  old  man  appeared  at  the 
head  of  the  stairs,  ordered  the  other  boy  up,  turned  up  his 
own  boy,  discarded  some  of  his  apparel,  and  swung  a  club. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


293 


The  old  man  played  it  alone,  and  made  every  point,  although 
the  neighbor's  boy  cut. 

"  Don't  you  wisht  you  was  me  ?"  said  a  six-year  old  boy 
to  one  of  his  companions,  "  for  I've  got  twenty-five  cents, 
and  I'm  goin'  to  the  barber  shop  to  get  my  hair  cut,  an'  I'll 
have  pink  water  squirted  on  my  head  ?  " 

"  I  guess  dad  wishes  we'd  all  die  and  go  to  Heaven,"  said 
a  miser's  son  to  his  maternal  parent. 

"  Why  so  ?  "  she  asked  upon  recovering  from  her  aston- 
ishment. 

"  Oh,  'cause  Heaven's  such  a  cheap  place  to  live  in." 

A  white  boy  met  a  colored  lad  the  other  day,  and  asked 
him  what  he  had  such  a  short  nose  for  ? 

"  I  'spec  so  it  won't  poke  itself  into  other  people's  busi* 
ness." 

Teacher.    "  Who  was  the  first  man  ?  " 

Head  scholar.  "  Washington  ;  he  was  the  first  in  war, 
first  in  " 

Teacher.    "  No,  no  ;  Adam  was  the  first  man." 

Head  scholar.  "Oh,  if  you're  talking  of  foreigners,  I 
s'pose  he  was." 

"  What  are  you  doing  there,  you  rascal  ?  " 

Merely  taking  cold,  sir." 
"  It  looks  to  me  as  if  you  were  stealing  ice." 
"  Well,  yes,  perhaps  it  will  bear  that  construction." 

"Are  you  lost,  my  little  fellow  ?"  asked  a  gentleman  of 
a  four-year  old  one  day. 

"  No,"  he  sobbed  in  reply,  "  b-but  m-my  mother  is." 


294 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


AN  INTELLIGENT  PUPIL. 

There  is  a  great  deal  of  latent  intelligence  in  the  world, 
which  only  needs  a  little  awakening  to  be  fully  brought 
out.    Witness  the  following  colloquy  : 

'^Annette,  my  dear,  what  country  is  opposite  to  us,  on  the 
globe  ?  " 

"  Don't  know,  sir." 

"Well,  now,"  continued  the  perplexed  teacher,' "if  I 
were  to  bore  a  hole  through  the  earth,  and  you  were  to  go 
in  at  this  end,  where  would  you  come  out  ?  " 

"  Out  of  the  hole^  sir,"  replied  the  pupil  with  an  air  of 
triumph  at  having  solved  the  great  question. 

"  Where  were  you,  Charlie  ?  " 
"  In  the  garden,  ma." 

"  No,  you  have  been  swimming ;  you  know  I  have  cau- 
tioned you  about  going  to  the  creek.  I  will  have  to  correct 
you.    Look  at  your  hair,  how  wet  it  is." 

"  Oh,  no,  ma,  this  is  not  water — it  is  sweat." 

"Ah,  Charlie,  I  have  caught  you  fibbing;  your  shirt  is 
wrong  side  out." 

Boy,  triumphantly.  "  Oh,  I  did  that  just  now,  ma,  climb- 
ing the  fenceP 

"  Mother,  can  I  go  and  have  my  photograph  taken  ?" 
"  No,  I  guess  it  isn't  worth  while." 

"  Well,  then,  you  might  let  me  go  and  have  a  tooth  pulled 
out ;  I  never  go  anywhere." 

A  youngster,  while  warming  his  hands  over  the  kitchen 
fire,  was  remonstrated  with  by  his  father,  who  said  : 
"  Go  'way  from  the  stove  ;  the  weather  is  not  cold." 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


295 


The  little  fellow,  looking  up  at  his  stern  parent,  demurely 
replied : 

"  I  ain't  heating  the  weather ;  I'm  warming  my  hands." 


"Are  you  going  after  that  sugar?"  called  a  Marquette 
(Mich.)  mother  to  her  boy,  who  was  in  the  street. 

"  Am  I  going  after  that  sugar  ?  "  drawled  the  youth  in  a 
saucy  and  impudent  tone  ;  but  just  then  he  happened  to  see 
his  father  coming  up  behind  him,  and  he  said,  very  respect- 
fully and  lovingly,  "Why,  of  course  I  am,  ma  —  I  didn't 
know  you  needed  it  right  away." 


MUST  BE  HEREDITARY. 

A  promising  youth  of  seven  summers,  who  had  been 
accused  of  not  always  telling  the  truth,  cross-examined  his 
father : 

"  Father!  did  you  ever  used  to  lie  when  you  were  a 
boy?" 

"No,  my  son,"  said  the  paternal,  who  evidently  did  not 
recall  the  past  with  any  distinctness. 

"  Nor  mother,  either  ?  "  persisted  the  young  lawyer. 
"  No  !  but  why  ?  " 

"Oh,  because  I  don't  see  how  two  people  who  never 
told  a  lie  could  have  a  boy  who  tells  as  many  as  I  do." 


A  benevolent  and  kind-hearted  old  gentleman,  seeing  a 
sooty  urchin  weeping  bitterly  at  the  corner  of  the  street, 
asked  him  the  cause  of  his  distress : 

"  Master  has  been  using  me  shamefully,"  sobbed  the  lit- 
tle fellow,  "  he  has  been  letting  Bill  Hudson  go  up  the 
chimney,  next  door,  when  it  was  my  turn  !    He  said  it  was 


296 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


too  high,  and  too  dangerous  for  me,  but  I'll  go  up  a  chimney 
with  Bill  Hudson  any  day  in  the  year;  that's  what  I  will! " 


"  What  are  wages  here  ?  "  asked  a  laborer  of  a  boy. 
"I  don't  know,  sir." 

"  What  does  your  father  get  on  Saturday  night  ?  " 
"Get!"  said  the  boy,  "why  he  gets  as  tight  as  a  brick." 


"Now,  Willie,  do  have  a  little  courage.  When  I  have 
a  powder  to  take  I  don't  like  it  any  more  than  you  do;  but 
I  make  up  my  mind  that  I  will  take  it  and  I  do." 

"And  when  I  have  a  powder  to  take,"  replied  Willie,  "  I 
make  up  my  mind  that  I  won't  take  it  and  I  don't." 


Seven  o'clock,  a.  m. —  Boy  has  terrible  toothache  ;  can't 
go  to  school.  Half-past  nine  a.  m. — A  solitary  figure  may 
be  seen  skulking  through  the  streets  leading  to  the  creek  ; 
perch  and  chubs  bite.  Half-past  six  p.  m. — Scene,  wood- 
shed, dramatis  personce^  the  old  man,  one  trunk  strap,  one 
boy.    Let's  draw  the  curtain. 


A  little  boy,  after  watching  the  burning  of  the  school- 
house  until  the  novelty  of  the  thing  had  ceased,  started 
down  the  street,  saying,  "  I  am  glad  the  old  thing  is  burned 
down  :  I  didn't  have  my  jogfry  lesson,  nohow  !  " 


"  I  say,  boy,  stop  that  ox." 

"  I  haven't  got  no  stopper,  sir." 

"Well,  head  him,  then." 

"  He's  already  headed,  sir." 

"Confound  your  impertinence — turn  him." 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


297 


"  He's  right  side  out  already,  sir." 

Speak  to  him,  you  rascal,  you." 
"  Good  morning,  Mr.  Ox." 


A  lad  who  was  at  play  with  the  son  of  a  next  door 
neighbor,  asked  his  companion  : 
"  Is  not  your  father  a  fool  ?  " 

"  No  !  who  said  that  of  my  father  ?  "  was  the  reply. 

"  Nobody,  as  I  knows  on,"  responded  the  knowing  urchin, 
"  but  mother  told  me  t'other  day  that  I  was  next  door  to  a 
fool,  and  I  didn't  know  whether  she  meant  your  father  or 
Nat.  Smith's." 

Irritable  schoolmaster.      Now,  then,  stupid,  what's  the 
next  word  ?    What  comes  after  cheese  ?  " 
Dull  boy.    "A  mouse,  sir." 


He  isn't  six  years  old,  and  said :  "  Please,  Sarah,  can't 
I  have  another  piece  of  that  nice  custard  -  pudding  you 
made?" 

"Why  dear,  you  are  almost  too  full  to  speak  now.  Look 
at  that  delicious  dumpling  on  your  plate,  not  half  eaten." 

"Oh,  well,  Sarah,  I  know  the  dumpling  side  of  my  stom- 
ach is  full,  but  the  custard-pudding  side  is  rather  empty 

yet?" 

The  other  piece  of  pudding  is  missing. 

HE  WANTED  A  JEWS'  HARP. 

A  tender  and  loving  mother  was  endeavoring  to  convey 
to  the  inquiring  mind  of  her  little  child  an  idea  of  Heaven, 
and  the  necessity  of  being  a  good  boy  in  order  to  obtain 
admission  there  hereafter.    She  pictured  to  his  imagination 


298 


WIT  AND  HUMOli. 


the  happiness  of  the  blest,  and  as  an  additional  inducement 
to  lead  a  correct  life,  said  he  would  be  like  the  angels,  w\\?> 
have  harps  in  their  hands. 

"  Mamma,"  said  the  urchin,  wistfully  gazing  into  his 
mother's  eyes,  "  Mamma,  if  it  makes  no  difference  to  God^ 
I'd  rather  have  a  jews'  harp." 


"Willie,  I'm  going  to  Heaven,"  she  wrote,  "and  you 
will  never  see  me  again  ; "  which  was  pretty  heavy  on 
Willie.   

"Why  were  you  late  this  morning,  sir?"  said  the  teacher 
rather  sharply. 

"Well,  sir,  you  see  I  heard  that  a  little  fellow  next  door 
to  us  was  goin'  to  have  a  dressin'  down  with  a  bed  cord, 
and  so  I  waited  to  hear  him  howl." 


DIFFERENT  POINTS  OF  VIEW. 

Maud  (with  much  sympathy  in  her  voice).  "  Only  fancy, 
mamma.  Uncle  Jack  took  us  to  a  picture  gallery  in  Bond 
street,  and  there  was  a  picture  of  a  lot  of  early  Christians, 
poor  dears,  who'd  been  thrown  to  a  lot  of  lions  and  tigers, 
who  were  devouring  them  !  "  Ethel  (with  more  sympathy). 
"Yes,  and  mamma  dear,  there  was  one  poor  tiger  that  hadnH 
got  a  Christian." 

"Dan,"  said  a  young  four-year  old,  "give  me  a  sixpence 
to  buy  a  monkey?"  "We  have  got  one  monkey  in  the 
house  now,"  replied  the  elder  brother.  "  Who  is  it,  Dan  ?" 
asked  the  little  fellow.  "You,"  was  the  reply.  "Then 
give  me  sixpence  to  buy  the  monkey  some  nuts."  The 
brother  could  not  resist. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


299 


A  RETENTIVE  MEMORY. 

A  girl  and  a  boy,  each  about  seven  years  old,  were  seated 
amid  their  grown  relatives,  and  talking  of  things  which  had 
occurred  at  the  remotest  period  of  their  recollection.  The 
little  girl  remembered  when  she  had  a  doll  that  could  cry. 
The  boy  here  spoke  up  and  said  he  recollected  worse  than 
that.  ''How  worse  ?"  said  half-a-dozen  voices  in  a  breath. 
"Why,  I  recollect  four  weeks  afore  I  was  born,  and  I  cried 
all  the  time  for  fear  I'd  be  a  gal." 

"  Here,  boy,  hold  my  horse,"  said  a  gentleman  who  had 
driven  a  wretchedly  lean  animal  up  to  the  door  of  a  village 
inn.  "Hold  him  !  "  exclaimed  the  boy.  "Hold  him  !  Jes' 
lean  him  up  against  that  young  tree  there,  that'll  hold  him! " 

"Will  the  boy  who  threw  that  pepper  on  the  stove 
please  come  up  here  and  get  the  present  of  a  nice  book  ?  " 
said  the  school  teacher,  but  the  boy  never  moved.  He  was 
a  far-seeing  boy. 

"  Who  hurt  you,  bub  ?  "  asked  a  pedestrian  of  a  small 
)^oy  who  sat  howling  on  the  curbstone.  "Johnny  Kydd," 
sobbed  the  victim.  "I'll  see  about  him  if  he  does  it 
again,"  remarked  the  man  condolingly  ;  but  the  boy  sud- 
denly stopped  howling,  and  exclaimed:  "Just  leave  him 
alone.  When  I  grow  up,  I'll  get  on  the  police  force,  and 
then  I  can  belt  him  all  I  want  to." 


CLASS  IN  ORNITHOLOGY. 

"  Class  in  ornithology  stand  up.  John  Slump,  take  that 
shoemaker's  wax  out'n  your  jaws.  Now  then,  where  are 
'  kites '  to  be  found  in  the  greatest  numbers  ?  " 


300 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"  In  Wall  street,  sir,  cos  father  sez  everybody  down  there 
goes  a-kitin'  every  day." 

"John  Slump,  did  you  understand  my  question 

"  No — no,  sir,  not  'zactly." 

"  Then  you'd  better  pin  your  ears  back." 

"And  you'd  better  cut  your'n  off  an'  there'd  be  more 
room  for  yer  hair  to  grow." 

John  Slump  partook  of  a  dose  of  ferule  and  wept. 

"Did  you  ever  see  an  elephant's  skin  ?"  asked  a  teacher 
in  an  infant  school.  "  I  did,"  shouted  a  six-year  old  at  the 
foot  of  the  class.  "Where?"  inquired  the  teacher,  con- 
siderably amused  at  his  earnestness.  "  On  the  elephant," 
shouted  the  prodigy,  gleefully. 

While  Dr.  Mary  Walker  was  lecturing,  lately,  in  one  of 
our  rural  towns,  it  is  said  that  a  youth  cried  out : 

"  Are  you  the  Mary  that  had  a  little  lamb  ?  " 

"  No !  "  was  the  reply,  "  but  your  mother  had  a  little 
jackass !  " 

"  Youngster,  have  you  sufficient  confidence  in  me  to 
lend  me  a  guinea  ?" 

Jerrold.  "  Oh !  yes ;  I've  all  the  confidence,  but  I 
haven't  the  guinea." 

"  Bob  Brown,  did  you  say  that  my  father  had  not  as 
much  sense  as  Billy  Smith's  little  yellow  dog?" 

"No;  I  never  said  any  such  thing.  I  never  said  that 
your  father  had  not  as  much  sense  as  Billy  Smith's  little 
yellow  dog.  All  I  said  was,  that  Billy's  little  yellow  dog 
had  more  sense  than  your  father  ;  that's  all  I  ever  said." 

"  Well,  it's  well  you  didn't  say  the  other,  I  can  tell  you ! 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


301 


WHAT  IS  A  TARE  ? 

This  story  is  told  of  a  father  who  was  one  evening  teach- 
ing his  little  boy  to  recite  his  Sunday-school  lesson.  It 
was  from  the  fourteenth  chapter  of  Matthew,  wherein  is 
related  ihe  parable  of  a  malicious  individual  who  went 
about  sowing  tares. 

"What  is  a  tare  ?  Tell  me,  my  son,  what  a  tare  is," 
asked  the  anxious  parent. 

"  You  had  'em  !  " 

"  Johnny,  what  do  you  mean  ?  "  asked  the  father,  open- 
ing his  eyes  rather  wide. 

"  Why,  last  week,  when  you  didn't  come  home  for  three 
days,"  said  Johnny,  "  I  heard  mother  tell  Aunt  Susan  that 
you  were  on  a  tare." 

Johnny  was  immediately  sent  to  bed. 


"  Now,  my  little  boys  and  girls,"  said  a  teacher,  "I  want 
you  to  be  very  still — so  still  that  you  can  hear  a  pin  drop." 

In  a  minute  all  was  silent,  when  a  little  boy  shrieked 
out : 

"  Let  her  drop  !  " 

The  following  conversation  took  place  the  other  evening 
at  a  tea-table,  in  Bangor,  Me.: 

Five -year- old  to  its  mother:  "Mother,  can  I  have  a 
cooky  ?  " 

"  No,  my  son." 

"  Mother,  can  I  have  a  quarter  of  a  cooky  ?  " 
"  No,  my  son." 

"  Can  I  have  a  crumb  of  a  cooky  ?  " 
"No." 

"  Well  then,  can  I  smell  of  a  cooky  ?  " 


302 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


AFRAID. 

A  little  girl  remarked  to  her  mamma  on  going  to  bed  : 
"  I  am  not  afraid  of  the  dark." 
No,  of  course  you  are  not,"  replied  her  mamma. 
I  was  a  little  afraid  once,  when  I  went  into  the  pantry 
to  get  a  tart." 

"  What  were  you  afraid  of  ?  "  * 
I  was  afraid  I  couldn't  find  the  tarts," 


Darwin  acknowledged  himself  sold  when  his  little  niece 
asked  him,  seriously,  what  a  cat  has  that  no  other  animal 
has. 

He  gave  it  up,  after  mature  deliberation,  and  then  the 
sly  little  puss  answered  : 

"  Kittens."   

EXAGGERATION. 
A  certain  minister  was  given  greatly  to  exaggeration. 
He  was  an  excellent  divine,  and  ever  vivid  in  his  illustra- 
tions. 

If  he  ran  across  a  small  animal  in  his  study,  and  did 
not  know  anything  of  its  size,  it  would  grow  upon  his 
imagination  ;  and  a  mouse  would  assume  the  proportions 
of  an  elephant. 

A  member  of  his  church  one  day  complimented  him  on 
his  excellent  sermons,  but  told  him  of  his  habit  of  exag- 
geration. 

"  Well  the  next  time  you  notice  it,  just  cough  slightly 
by  way  of  a  reminder,  and  I'll  reduce  the  figure,"  said  the 
minister. 

The  next  Sunday  he  was  preaching  upon  Sampson's 
tying  the  foxes'  tails,  and  took  occasion  to  remark  : 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


303 


"  My  brethren,  the  foxes  in  those  days  were  much  larger 
than  the  ones  we  now  see  :  their  tails  must  have  been 
twenty  feet  long  (slight  cough  in  the  congregation) — that 
is,  according  to  their  measurement,  but  according  to  our's 
say  fifteen  feet,  (slight  coughing) — but  in  order  to  be  cer- 
tain we  will  say,  ten  feet."  (Coughing  again.)  Then  be- 
coming annoyed  at  the  member,  he  turned  to  him  and  said: 
"  You  may  cough  as  much  as  you  please,  but  I'll  not  take 
another  foot  off — would  you  have  the  foxes  without  any 
tails  at  all  ?  " 

An  Irishman,  who  had  been  sick  a  long  time,  was  one 
day  met  by  the  parish  priest,  when  the  following  conversa- 
tion took  place  : 

"Well,  Pat,  I  am  glad  you  have  recovered.  Were  you 
not  afraid  to  meet  your  God  ?  " 

"  Oh,  no,  your  reverence  ;  it  was  meetin'  the  other  party 
that  I  was  afeared  uv,"  replied  Pat. 


A  school  not  twenty  miles  from  Whitehall,  N.  Y.,  is 
presided  over  by  a  cross  -  eyed  teacher.  A  few  days  ago  he 
called  out :  "That  boy  that  I  am  looking  at  will  step  out 
on  the  floor."  Immediately  twenty  -  seven  lads  walked  out 
in  front  of  the  astonished  pedagogue. 


A  little  girl  sent  out  to  hunt  eggs  came  back  unsuccess- 
ful, complaining  that  "lots  of  hens  were  standing  round 
doing  nothing." 

A  SUDDEN  CHANGE. 

A  youth  was  rushing  round  the  corner  saying  :  "  All  I 
want  in  this  world  is  to  lay  my  hands  on  him  !  "    He  pres 

20 


304 


WIT    AND  HUMOR. 


ently  came  upon  a  boy  that  weighed  about  ten  pounds 
more  than  himself,  and,  rushing  at  him  he  exclaimed  : 
Did  you  lick  my  brother  Ben  ?  " 

"  Yes,  I  did,"  said  the  boy,  dropping  his  bundle  and 
spitting  on  his  hands. 

"Well,"  continued  the  other  lad,  backing  slowly  away, 
he  needs  a  lickin'  once  a  week  to  teach  him  to  be  civil! " 


COLD  OR  HOT. 
An  Irishman  had  a  dream  which  taught  him  the  danger 
of  delay. 

"  I  dreamed,"  said  he,  "I  was  wid  the  Pope,  who  was  as 
great  a  jintleman  as  any  one  in  the  district,  an'  he  axed 
me  wad  I  drink.  Thinks  I,  wad  a  duck  swim,  an'  seein' 
the  whisky  an'  the  lemon  an'  sugar  on  the  sideboard,-! 
told  him  T  didn't  care  if  I  tuk  a  wee  dhrap  of  punch. 
^  Cowld  or  hot  ? '  axed  the  Pope.  '  Hot,  your  Holiness,'  I 
replied  ;  an'  be  that  he  stepped  down  to  the  kitchen  for  the 
bilin'  water,  but  before  he  got  back  I  woke  straight  up. 
And  now  it's  distressin'  me  I  didn't  take  it  cowld." 


An  inebriated  man,  walking  along  the  street,  regarded 
the  moon  with  sovereign  contempt.    "  You  needn't  feel  so 
proud,"  he  said,  "  you  are  full  only  once  a  month,  and  I  ' 
am  full  every  night." 

"  You  can  have  no  more  here.    You've  taken  too  much 
already." 

"  'Xcuse  me.    I  may've  'ad  too  much  (hie),  but  I  'avn't 
'ad  enuf." 

A  Toledo  man,  on  recovering  from  his  Fourth  of  July 
patriotic  exertions,  announces  that  he  don't  so  much  mind 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


305 


the  loss  of  his  pocket  -  book  and  watch,  but  if  the  finder 
will  bring  back  his  set  of  teeth,  he'll  be  everlastingly 
grateful.   

DIDN'T  KNOW  WHERE  HE  GOT  THAT  DOG. 
Simpson  had  been  on  a  spree  for  some  days,  and  was 
trvino-  to  2:et  home.  He  was  deathly  sick  from  the  effects 
of  bad  whisky,  and  his  head  was  swimming  in  a  sea  of 
troubles.  He  could  get  no  farther,  and  landed  plump  up 
against  a  gas  lamp  to  steady  himself.  Then,  blind  as  a 
loon,  he  leaned  over  the  gutter  and  threw  up.  Bracing 
himself  up,  and  feeling  a  little  better,  he  opened  his  eyes 
and  was  horror  -  stricken  at  the  sight  that  met  his  swimming- 
gaze.  There  stood  a  dpg  suspiciously  eying  the  contents. 
Too  drunk  to  comprehend  the  situation,  he  soliloquized  to 
himself : 

"  Well  (hie),  I  remember  (hie)  where  I  got  the  cheese 
(hie);  and  I  knov/  (hie)  where  I  got  the  sauerkraut  (hie), 
but  blam'me  if  I  know  (hie)  where  I  got  that  dog  (hie)." 
Then  he  doubled  up  and  fell  on  the  pavement.  Some  of 
his  friends  lifted  him,  put  his  battered  hat  on,  and  assisted 
him  home  ;  and  then  he  remarked  : 

"Gentlemen  (hie),  where  was  I  ?  (hie.)" 

"Don't  you  recollect  ?" 

"No,  sir  (hie).  The  last  (hie)  thing  I  remember  (hie)  is, 
I  was  holding  (hie)  on  to  a  gas  lamp  (hie);  and  the  (hie) 
lamp -post  fell  down  (hie)." 


A  TEMPERANCE  REFORMER. 
The  fondness  of  reformed  drunkards  to  speak  of  their 
former  habits,  and  the  applause  they  receive  in  proportion 
to  the  excesses  of  which  they  have  been  guilty  are  marked 


303 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


features  of  the  temperance  reform.  At  one  of  these  meet- 
ings, a  very  unexpected  finish  was  put  by  the  speaker  to 
his  narrative,  and  his  audience  suddenly  found  that  he  was 
among  them,  but  not  of  them.    He  said; 

"My  friends,  three  months  ago  1  signed  the  pledge. 
(Clapping  of  hands  and  loud  cheers.)  In  a  month  after- 
wards, my  friends,  T  had  a  half  eagle  in  my  pocket,  a  thing 
I  never  had  before.  (Clapping,  and  still  louder  cheers.) 
In  another  month,  my  friends,  I  had  a  good  coat  on  my 
back,  and  the  like  I  never  had  before.  (Great  applause, 
and  cries  of  'go  on.')  A  fortnight  after  that,  my  friends, 
I  bought  a  coffin."  The  audience  were  about  to  cheer 
again,  but  paused  and  waited  for  an  explanation. 

You  wonder,"  he  continued,  why  I  bought  a  coffin. 
Well,  my  friends,  I  will  tell  you  why.  I  bought  the  coffin 
because  I  felt  pretty  certain  that  if  1  kept  the  pledge 
another  fortnight  I  shoidd  vmnt  one^ 

The  rascal  was  unceremoniously  hustled  out  as  an 
enemy  in  disguise. 

"  Major,  1  see  two  cocktails  carried  to  your  room,  every 
morning,  as  if  you  had  some  one  to  drink  with."  "Yes, 
sir;  one  cocktail  makes  me  feel  like  another  man;  and,  of 
course,  I'm  bound  to  treat  the  other  man." 

Said  Bob  to  Bill,  when  he  caught  him  drinking,  "I 
thought  you  had  signed  the  pledge."  "  So  I  have,"  said 
Bill,  "but  all  sigjis  fail  in  dry  weather." 

Droll,  though  not  very  logical  or  conclusive,  was  the 
reply  of  the  tipsy  Irishman,  who,  as  he  supported  himself 
by  the  iron  railings  of  Marrion  square,  was  advised  by  a 
passer  to  betake  himself  home. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


807 


"Ah,  now,  be  aisy;  I  live  in  the  square;  isn't  it  going 
round  and  round,  and  when  I  see  my  own  door  come  up, 
won't  I  pop  into  it  in  a  jiffy." 


A  HOPELESS  CASE. 

A  good  story  is  told  in  an  Eastern  paper  of  the  treatment 
of  a  drunken  husband  by  his  amiable  spouse.  After  try- 
ing various  experiments  to  cure  his  drunkenness,  she  at 
last  bethought  herself  of  another  plan  of  making  a  "  re- 
formed drunkard  "  of  her  husband. 

She  engaged  a  watchman,  for  a  stipulated  reward,  to 
carry  "  Philander"  to  the  watch-house,  while  yet  in  a  state 
of  insensibility,  and  to  ^''frighten  him  a  little'^''  when  he 
recovered. 

In  consequence  of  this  arrangement,  he  was  waked  up 
about  eleven  o'clock  at  night,  and  found  himself  lying  on  a 
pine  bench  in  a  strange  and  dim  apartment.  Raising 
himself  up  on  his  elbow,  he  looked  around,  until  his  eyes 
rested  on  a  man  sitting  by  a  stove,  and  smoking  a  cigar. 

"Where  am  1  ?"  asked  Philander. 

"  In  a  medical  college  ! "  said  the  cigar-smoker. 

"What  a  douuj  then?" 

"  Going  to  be  cut  up  !  " 

"  Cut  up  ! — how  comes  that?" 

"  Why,  you  died  yesterday,  while  you  were  drunk,  and 
we  have  brought  your  body  here  to  make  a  'natomy." 
"It's  a  lie!— I  am'^dead!" 

"No  matter;  we  bought  your  carcass,  any  how,  from 
your  wife,  who  had  a  right  to  sell  it,  for  it's  all  the  good 
she  could  ever  make  out  of  you.  If  you're  not  dead,  it's 
no  fault  of  the  doctors,  and  they'll  cut  you  up,  dead  or 
alive. ''^ 


808 


WIT  AND  HUMOll. 


"You  will  do  it,  eh?"  asked  the  old  sot. 
"  To  be  sure  we  will — now — immediately was  the  reso- 
lute answer. 

"  Wall,  look  o'  here,  can't  you  let  us  have  something  to 
drink  before  you  begin  f 

This  last  speech  satisfied  the  watchman  that  the  man 
was  a  hopeless  case  ;  and  as  his  reward  was  contingent 
upon  his  successful  treatment  of  the  patient,  he  was  not  a 
little  chagrined  at  the  result ;  so  with  no  gentle  handling, 
he  tumbled  the  irreformable  inebriate  out  of  the  watch- 
house. 

WIFE!  WIFE! 

A  man  coming  home  one  night  rather  late,  a  little  more 
tlian  "  half-seas-over,"  feeling  thirsty,  procured  a  glass  of 
water  and  drank  it.  In  doing  so  he  swallowed  a  small 
ball  of  silk  that  lay  in  the  bottom  of  tlie  tumbler,  the  end 
of  the  thread  catching  in  his  teeth.  Feeling  something  in 
his  mouth,  and  not  knowing  what  it  was,  he  began  to  pull 
at  the  end  ;  and  the  little  ball  unwinding,  he  soon  had 
several  yards  of  thread  in  his  hand,  and  still  no  end, 
apparently.  Terrified,  he  shouted  at  the  top  of  his  voice, 
''Wife!  wife!  I  say,  wife,  come  here!  I  am  all  unrav- 
eling." 

RATHER  BOOSY. 

A  good  story  is  told  of  Thompson  and  Rodgers,  two 
married  bucks  of  New  York,  who,  wandering  home  late 
one  night,  stopped  at  what  Thompson  supposed  was  his 
residence,  but  which  his  companion  insisted  was  his  own 
house.  Thompson  rang  the  bell  lustily,  a  window  was 
raised,  and  a  lady  inquired  what  was  wanted. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


309 


"Madame"  (hie),  inquired  Mr.  T.,  "Isn't  this  Mr.  T« 
Thompson's  house?"  (hie.) 

"No,"  replied  the  lady,  "this  is  the  residenee  of  Mr. 
Rodgers." 

"Well,"  exelaimed  Thompson,  "Mrs.  T-T-Thompson 
(hie) — I  beg  your  pardon  (hie) — Mrs.  Rodgers,  won't  you 
just  step  down  to  the  door  (hie),  and  piek  out  Rodgers,  for 
Thompson  wants  to  go  home."  (Hie.) 


A  raftsman,  who  had  drunk  a  little  too  freely,  fell  from 
the  raft  and  was  drowning,  when  his  brother  seized  him  by 
the  hair,  but  the  eurrent  was  too  strong,  and  the  brother's 
strength  being  nearly  exhausted,  he  was  about  to  relinquish 
his  hold,  when,  deploringly,  the  drowning  one  raised  his 
head  above  the  water,  and  said: 

"Hang  on,  Sam,  hang  on;  I'll  treat — I  swear  I  will." 

His  words  were  stimulating;  and  the  other  at  length 
saved  him. 

NOT  BIGOTED. 

The  following  aneedote  is  told  by  the  Virginia,  Nev., 
Chronicle  :  "  Come  and  have  a  dhrink,  boys,"  remarked  a 
well-known  Bulgarian  of  this  eity  to  a  number  of  friends 
with  whom  he  was  ehatting  in  front  of  Mallon's  store  this 
morning.  They  all  went  in  and  ordered  their  drinks. 
There  was  a  eharming  uniformity  in  the  orders  :  "  A 
sehmall  sup  o'  that  whisky,  .Jim,"  seemed  to  cover  all  the 
requirements.  As  they  were  about  to  quaff,  one  of  the 
party  suddenly  called  out  to  another,  "  Hello,  Dougherty, 
you  drinking  whisky  ?  Sure  it  was  only  yestherday  ye 
towld  me  ye  was  a  taytotler."  "Well,"  said  Mr.  Dough- 
erty,  evidently   somewhat   disconcerted,    "you're  right, 


310 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


Mister  Kelly  —  it's  quite  right  ye  are  —  I  am  a  taytotler, 
it's  thrue,  but  1  —  I  —  I'm  not  a  bigoted  one  !  " 


The  finest  idea  of  a  thunder  storm  extant  was  when 
Wiggins  came  home  tight.  Now,  Wiggins  is  a  teacher,  and 
had  drunk  too  much  lemonade,  or  something.  He  came  into 
the  room  among  his  wife  and  daughters,  and  just  then  he 
tumbled  over  the  cradle  and  fell  whop  on  the  floor.  After 
a  while  he  rose  and  said  : 

"  Wife,  are  you  hurt  ?" 

"  No." 

"  Girls,  are  you  hurt  ?  " 
"  No." 

Terrible  clap,  wasn't  it  ?" 


"A  fellow  feeling  makes  us  wondrous  kind" — instance, 
a  tipsy  fellow  holding  on  to  a  lamp -post  and  exclaiming  : 

"  Leave  you,  my  dear  fellow  (hie),  leave  you  when  you 
ain't  able  to  take  care  of  yourself  ?  (hie)  never  ! " 


A  NOBLE  YOUTH  WHO  COULDN'T  DmNK  WINE. 

There  was  a  noble  youth  who,  on  being  urged  to  take 
wine  at  the  table  of  a  famous  statesman  in  Washington, 
had  the  moral  courage  to  refuse.  He  was  a  poor  young 
man,  just  beginning  the  struggle  of  life. 

"  Not  take  a  glass  of  wine  ?  "  said  the  great  statesman, 
in  wonderment  and  surprise. 

"  Not  one  simple  glass  of  wine  ? "  echoed  the  states- 
man's beautiful  and  fascinating  wife,  as  she  arose,  glass  in 
liand,  and,  with  a  grace  that  would  have  charmed  an 
anchorite,  endeavored  to  press  it  upon  him. 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


311 


"  No,"  said  the  heroic  youth,  resohitely,  gently  repelling 
the  proffered  glass. 

What  a  picture  of  moral  grandeur.  A  poor,  friendless 
youth  refusing  wine  at  the  table  of  a  famous  statesman, 
even  though  proffered  by  a  beautiful  lady. 

"  No,*'  said  the  noble  young  man,  and  his  voice  trembled 
a  little  and  his  cheek  flushed.  "  I  never  drink  wine,  but — 
(here  he  straightened  himself  up  and  his  words  grew 
firmer) — if  you've  got  a  little  good  old  rye  whisky  I  don't 
mind  trying  a  snifter  !  " 

The  following  shows  how  those  who  have  taken  the 
pledge,  and  "get  thirsty,"  can  dodge  it : 

"  Biddy,"  said  Mulligan  to  his  wife,  "  its  a  bad  cowld 
you  have.  A  drop  of  the  craythur  would  do  you  no 
harrum." 

"  Oh,  honey,"  replied  Biddy,  "  I've  taken  the  pledge  ; 
but  you  can  mix  me  a  drink  and  force  me  to  swally  it !  " 

A  fop  just  returned  to  England  from  a  continental  tour 
was  asked  how  he  liked  the  ruins  of  Pompeii.  "  Not  very 
well,"  was  the  reply,  "  they  are  so  dreadfully  out  of  repair." 

A  gentleman  recently  wrote  to  certain  railroad  officials 
for  a  chance  to  run  on  the  road."    He  was  told  he  could 
do  so  as  much  as  he  liked  if  he  would  only  keep  out  of  the 
way  of  trains. 

WHERE  ARE  YOU  GOING  V 
"  Where  are  you  going,  anyhow  ?  "  asked  an  irate  con- 
ductor on  the  Central  Pacific,  the  other  day,  of  a  "  beat " 
whom  he  had  kicked  off  five  or  six  times,  but  who  always 
managed  to  get  on  again  just  as  the  train  started. 


312 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


Well,"  said  the  fellow  quietly,  "I'm  going  to  Chicago, 
if  my  pants  hold  out ;  but  I'm  afraid  I'll  never  get  there  if 
you  fellows  kick  me  off  every  five  minutes." 

He  was  not  disturbed  again  on  that  conductor's  division. 

"Why  don't  you  limit  yourself?"  said  a  physician  to  an 
intemperate  person  ;  "  set  down  a  stake  that  you  will  go  so 
far  and  no  farther." 

"  So  I  do,"  said  the  toper  ;  "  but  I  set  it  so  far  off  that  I 
always  get  tipsy  before  I  get  to  it." 


ENCOURAGING  TO  MORALISTS. 

Just  now,  when  it  seems  as  if  corruption  had  a.  death- 
clutch  on  every  city  of  the  land,  it  is  good  to  be  able  to 
say  that  New  York  has  many  honest  men.  An  Ohio  man, 
feeling  that  he  was  getting  drunk,  entered  a  West  street 
saloon,  a  few  days  since,  and  inquired  :  "  Is  there  an  honest 
man  here  who'd  take  charge  of  sixty -one  dollars  for  me  ?" 

"  Yes,  sir  !  "  came  from  seventeen  different  men  in  reply, 
and  it  was  in  a  place,  too,  where  honesty  would  not  be 
looked  for. 

"  Vill  you  take  sumdings  ?  "  said  a  German  teetotaler  to 
a  friend,  while  standing  near  a  tavern. 
"  I  don't  care  if  I  do,"  was  the  reply. 
"  Veil,  den,  let  us  take  a  walk." 


"  Mus'  brace  up,"  said  Sozzle,  as  he  stood  on  the  door- 
step at  one  a.  m.,  "  '11  never  do  to  let  the  old  lady  'spect 
anythin';"  and  as  Mrs.  S.  descended  the  stairs,  clad  in  her 
robe  de  nuit^  Sozzle  braced  up,  knocked  the  ashes  off  his 
cigar,  and  as  the  door  opened,  said  cheerily:  "  Hullo,  M'ris, 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


813 


(hie)  up  yet  ?  Got  a  match  in  your  pocket  ?  "  Of  course, 
she  did  not  suspect  anything. 

A  gentleman,  seeing  an  Irishman  staggering  homeward 
from  a  fair,  and  observing  to  him  : 

"Ah,  Darby,  I'm  afraid  you'll  find  the  road  you're  going 
is  rather  a  longer  one  than  you  think." 

"Sure,  your  honor,"  he  replied,  "it's  not  the  length  of 
the  road  I  care  about,  it's  the  breadth  of  it  that  is  destroyin' 
me,"   

A  person  who  was  looking  at  a  house  the  other  day  said 
he  could  not  afford  to  pay  so  much  rent. 

"  Well,  look  at  the  neighborhood,"  replied  the  woman. 
"  You  can  borrow  flat-irons  next  door,  cofl'ee  and  tea  across 
the  street,  flour  and  sugar  on  the  corner,  and  there's  a  big 
pile  of  wood,  belonging  to  the  school  -  house,  right  across 
the  alley  !  "   

"Death  is  a  sad  thing,"  remarked  a  Schenectady  woman, 
as  she  stood  beside  an  open  grave. 

"Yes,  poor  thing,"  remarked  another;  "how  he  did  like 
to  sit  down  to  a  good  biled  dinner  when  the  pork  was  just 
right." 

"  I  wish  1  were  dead,"  is  a  common  exclamation  with 
the  dyspeptic,  and  yet  no  man  can  get  over  a  fence  or  crawl 
under  a  barn  faster  when  there's  danger  ahead. 

LABORING  UNDER  A  DELUSION. 
Bill  A.,  like  many  a  smarter  man,  labored  under  the 
delusion  that  he  possessed  a  splendid  voice,  and  "oft  in  the 
•tilly  night,"  but  more  frequently  in  broad  day,  he  startled 


314 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


the  echoes  of  the  surrounding  woods  and  hills  with  what  he 
called  "delicious  notes"  of  his  favorite,  "Annie  Laurie," 
or,  in  his  words,  "  Annie  Lowry."  One  day  Bill  was  down 
on  the  river  bank,  among  the  laurel,  polishing  his  gun, 
working  away  in  utter  oblivion  of  all  the  world,  encourag- 
ing himself  with  an  occasional  "snatch  of  song,"  when  lie 
was  suddenly  hailed  from  the  other  side  of  the  stream  with: 
"Halloo,  over  there!" 

"  Halloo,  yourself !  "  answered  Bill,  peering  through  the 
thicket,  when  he  saw  the  brigade  quartermaster,  who 
continued: 

"Seen  any  mules  about  here  ?" 

"No,"  replied  Bill;  "1  don't  keep  your  cussed  mules." 

"  1  suppose  not,"  retorted  the  quartermaster,  dryly. 
"  Only  1  heard  some  braying  over  there,  and  thought  it 
might  be  them;  but  I  find  it's  only  a  stray  jackass."  The 
officer  rode  off,  and  Bill,  scratching  his  head  for  awhile, 
observed:  "Well,  I  'spect  Captain  R.  said  something  sharp 
then — if  a  fellow  could  only  see  the  p'int." 

The  height  of  pugilistic  sarcasm  was  reached  the  other 
day  by  Jem  Mace,  who,  speaking  of  a  rival,  said:  "  What ! 
him?    He  couldn't  lick  a  postage  stamp." 

"How  much  do  you  charge  for  weighing  hogs?"  asked 
a  gentleman  of  one  of  our  "  weighmasters." 

"Oh,  just  get  on;  I'll  weigh  you  for  nothing,"  was  the 
bland  reply. 

MACREADY,  THE  TRAGEDIAN 
The  London  correspondent  of  the  New  York  Times  tells 
a  new  and  good  story  of  Macready.    The  great  tragedian 
was  playing  Macbeth  in  the  provinces.    The  actor  who  had 


WIT  AND  HUMOR 


315 


rehearsed  the  Messenger  in  the  last  act  was  found  to  be 
absent  when  called.  "Super"  was  sent  on  to  speak  the 
Messenger's  lines: 

"As  I  did  stand  my  watch  upon  the  hill,  T  looked  toward 
Birnam,  and  anon  methought  the  wood  began  to  move.*" 

Macbeth.    "  Liar  and  slave." 

Super.  "  Ton  my  soul  Mr.  Macready,  they  told  me  to 
say  it." 

SOLD. 

"  Bob,  that  is  a  fine  horse  you  have  there  ;  what  is  he 
worth?" 

"Three  hundred  and  fifty  dollars." 
"  No,  not  so  much  as  that  ?  " 

"  Yes,  every  cent  of  it  and  another  fifty  on  top  of  it." 
"  Are  you  sure  ?  " 
"Yes,  ril  swear  to  it." 
"All  right." 

"  What  are  you  so  darned  inquisitive  for  ?  " 

"  Merely  for  assessing  purposes.  I  am  the  assessor  for 
this  ward,  and  only  wanted  to  know  what  you  rated  your 
nag  at." 

"  Oh,  I  see  what  you're  driving  at.  Well,  for  the  pur- 
pose of  sale  he's  worth  every  cent  of  it,  but  for  taxation 
he's  not  worth  more'n  twenty-five  dollars." 


HOW  HE  GOT  INVITED  TO  DINNER. 

A  good  story  is  told  of  a  couple  of  farmers  who  lived  a 
few  miles  apart.  One  day  one  called  on  the  other,  happen- 
ing around  at  dinner  time.  The  person  called  upon,  by  the 
way,  was  a  rather  penurious  old  fellow.  He  sat  at  the  table, 
enjoying  his  dinner.    The  visitor  drew  to  the  stove,  looking 


316 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


very  wistfully  toward  the  table,  expecting  the  old  farmer  to 
invite  him  to  dine.    The  old  farmer  kept  on  eating. 

"  What's  the  news  up  your  way,  neighbor  ?  "  Still  eat- 
ing.   "  No  news,  eh  ?" 

"  No,  I  believe  not."  Presently  a  thought  struck  the 
visitor,  "Well,  yes,  friend,  I  did  hear  of  one  item  of  news 
that's  worth  mentioning," 

"  Ha,  what  is  it  ?  " 

"  Neighbor  John  has  a  cow  that  has  five  calves." 

"  Is  that  so  ?  Good  gracious  !  What  in  thunder  does 
the  fifth  calf  do  when  the  others  are  sucking  ?  " 

''Why,  he  stands  and  looks  on,  just  as  I  do,  like  a  dumb 
fool." 

"  Mary,  put  on  another  plate." 


"  You  come  well  recommended,  I  suppose  ?  "  said  a  gentle- 
man to  a  boy  who  wanted  an  easy  place." 

Oh,  yes,  sir;  the  man  T  was  with  last  recommended  me; 
he  recommended  me  to  leave  and  get  work  more  congenial 
to  my  disposition." 

Two  feminines,  driving  on  a  plank  -  road,  were  applied 
to  for  toll.  "  Weli,'^  says  one,  "  how  much  is  it  ?  "  "  For 
a  man  and  a  horse,"  replied  the  gate  -  keeper,  "  the  charge 
is  fifty  cents."  "  Well,  then,  get  out  of  the  way  ;  we're 
two  gals  and  a  mare.  Get  up,  Jenny  !  "  And  away  they 
went,  leaving  the  man  in  mute  astonishment. 


Art  received  rather  an  awkward  criticism  from  a  free- 
and-easy  young  man  who  recently  met  a  sculptor  in  a 
social  circle,  and  addressed  him  thus:  "  Er  —  er — so  you 
are  the  man  —  er  —  that  makes  —  er  —  mud  -  heads?  "  And 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


317 


this  was  the  artist's  reply:  Er  —  er  —  not  all  of  'em;  I 
didn't  make  your's." 

THE  BIGGEST  FOOL  IN  NEW  ORLEANS. 

A  letter  was  once  received  at  the  post  -  office  in  New 
Orleans,  directed  to  the  biggest  fool  in  that  city. 

The  postmaster  was  absent,  and  on  his  return,  one  of 
the  young  clerks  informed  him  of  the  receipt  of  the  letter. 

"  And  what  became  of  it  ?  "  inquired  the  postmaster. 

"  Why,"  replied  the  clerk,  "  I  didn't  know  who  the 
biggest  fool  in  New  Orleans  was,  so  I  opened  it  myself." 

"  And  what  did  you  find  in  it  ? "  inquired  the  post- 
master. 

"  Find  ?  "  replied  the  clerk.  "  Why,  nothing  but  the 
words,  ^  Thou  art  the  man.'  " 


A  droll  wag  of  a  fellow,  who  had  a  wooden  leg,  being 
in  company  with  a  man  who  was  somewhat  credulous,  the 
latter  said  : 

"How  came  you  to  have  a  wooden  leg  ?" 

"Why,"  answered  the  other,  "  my  father  had  one,  and  so 
had  my  grand  -  father  before  him.    Tt  runs  in  the  family  P 


An  editor,  quoting  Dr.  Hall's  advice  to  "eat  regularly, 
not  over  three  times  a  day,  and  nothing  between  meals," 
adds,  "  Tramps  will  do  well  to  cut  this  out  and  put  it  in 
their  bank-books." 

H.  C.  ,  a  keen  sportsman,  provoked  by  a  cockney 

horseman,  who  had  ridden  over  two  of  his  hounds,  could 
not  forbear  swearing  at  him  for  his  awkwardness. 

"  Sir! "  said  the  offender,  drawing  up  both  himself  and 


318 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


his  horse,  and  assuming  an  air  of  offense,  "I  beg  to  inform 
you  that  I  did  not  come  out  here  to  be  damned." 

"  Well  then,  sir,  you  may  go  home  and  be  damned." 


A  lecturer,  who  was  contending,  at  a  tiresome  length 
and  great  tautological  perplexity,  that  ''Art  could  not 
improve  Nature^''  was  startled  "half  out  of  his  boots"  by 
the  question,  in  deep,  sonorous  voice,  by  one  of  his  audi- 
ence: 

"How  do  you  think  you  would  look  without  your  wigf^ 
The  question  was  a  "  poser  " —  the  argument  a  "  noii 
sequitur  I " 

NOT  A  BIT  ANXIOUS. 

A  stranger  desirous  of  locating  in  San  Antonia,  endeav- 
ored to  purchase  a  residence  from  one  of  our  most  leading 
citizens,  but  thought  the  price  too  high. 

"Too  high!"  yelled  the  owner,  "too  high,  with  three 
saloons  at  regular  intervals  on  the  road  to  church,  a  peach- 
orchard  with  a  fence  easy  to  get  over  close  at  hand,  and 
there  hasn't  been  a  policeman  seen  in  the  neighborhood  for 
the  last  five  years!  Why,  stranger,  it  doesn't  look  to  me 
like  you  was  trying  to  become  one  of  us." 


According  to  the  judgment  of  a  New  Melford  man,  who 
had  seven  men  to  assist  him  to  his  feet, "  The  hind  end  of  a 
mule  is  much  more  premature  than  the  front  end." 


A  person  was  boasting  that  he  was  from  a  high  family. 
"  Yes,"  said  a  bystander,  "  I  have  seen  some  of  the  family 
so  high  that  their  feet  could  not  touch  the  ground." 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


319 


DIDN'T  HAVE  THE  BOOTS. 

Many  a  glorious  speculation  has  failed  for  the  same  good 
reason  that  the  old  Texas  Ranger  gave  when  he  was  asked 
why  he  didn't  buy  land  when  it  was  dog  cheap. 

"  Well,  I  did  come  nigh  onto  taking  eight  thousand 
acres  once,"  said  old  Joe,  mournfully.  You  see,  two  of 
the  boys  came  in  one  day  from  an  Indian  hunt,  without  any 
shoes,  and  offered  me  their  titles  to  the  two  leagues  just 
below  here  for  a  pair  of  boots." 

"  For  a  pair  of  boots  !  "  I  cried  out. 

"  Yes,  for  a  pair  of  boots  for  each  league." 

"  But  why,  on  earth,  didn't  you  take  it?  They'd  be 
worth  a  hundred  thousand  dollars  to-day.  Why  didn't  you 
give  them  the  boots?" 

"  Jest  'cause  I  didn't  have  the  boots  to  give"  said  old 
Joe,  as  he  took  another  chew  of  tobacco,  quite  as  contented 
as  if  he  owned  two  leagues  of  land. 


GETTING  TOO  THICK. 

"Where  is  your  house?"  asked  a  traveler  in  the  depth 
of  one  of  the  old  "solemn  wildernesses  "  of  the  Great  West. 
"  House! — I  ain't  got  no  house." 
"Well,  where  do  you  live?" 

"I  live  in  the  woods  —  sleep  on  the  Great  Goverment 
Purchase,  eat  raw  bear  and  wild  turkey,  and  drink  out  of 
the  Mississippi  !" 

And  he  added  : 

"It  is  getting  too  thick  with  folks  about  here.  You're 

the  second  man  I  have  seen  within  the  last  month  ;  and  I 

hear  there's  a  whole  family  come  in  about  fifty  miles  down 

the  river.    I'm  going  to  put  out  into  Hhe  woods'  again  !" 
n 


320 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


GOOD  MORNING,  JUDGE. 

"When  I  was  traveling  in  Massachusetts,  some  twenty 
years  ago,"  said  a  traveler,  "  I  had  a  seat  on  the  omnibus 
with  the  driver,  who,  on  stopping  at  the  post-office,  saluted 
an  ill-looking  fellow  standing  upon  the  steps,  with,  'Good 
morning.  Judge  Sander  ;  I  hope  you're  well,  sir  ! '  After 
leaving  the  office,  I  asked  the  driver  if  the  man  that  he 
had  just  spoken  to  was  really  a  judge.  'Certainly,  sir,'  he 
replied;  'We  had  a  cock  fight  here  last  week,  and  he  was 
made  a  judge  on  that  occasion.'  " 

A  REGULAR  DEAD  BEAT. 

"Why,  Jimmy,"  said  one  professional  beggar  to  another, 
"  are  you  going  to  knock  off  already  ?  It's  only  two 
o'clock." 

"  No,  you  mutton-head,"  responded  the  other,  who  was 
engaged  in  unbuckling  his  crutch,  "  I'm  only  going  to  put 
it  on  the  other  knee.  You  don't  suppose  a  fellow  can  beg 
all  day  on  the  same  leg,  do  you  !  " 

"  Yes,  I  want  my  daughter  to  study  rhetoric,"  replied  a 
Vermont  mother,  "  for  she  can't  fry  pancakes  now  without 
smoking  the  house  all  up." 

"  If  yer  goin'  to  smoke  on  this  oar  yer'll  have  to  get  off 
to  do  it,"  remarked  a  zealous  conductor,  recently. 

"  Let's  see  yer  put  me  off,"  was  the  ready  reply,  as  the 
smoker  jumped  off  from  the  car  and  assumed  a  belligerent 
attitude. 

It  isn't  always  best  to  try  to  clear  up  a  doubt  by  asking 
questions.    For  instance,  Jones  asked  a  stranger  if  he  was 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


321 


the  same  man  who  had  been  in  jail  at  Cherryville  for  steal- 
ing chickens,  but  when  he  picked  himself  up  and  found  his 
teeth  scattered  around  on  the  sidewalk,  he  wished  the  inter- 
rogation point  had  never  been  invented. 


THE  SLANG  OF  THE  DAY. 

The  slang  of  our  day  is  a  puzzle, 

Invented  by — ah,  who  can  tell  ? 
A  drink  is  a  "  smile,"  or  a  "guzzle," 

A  swindle  is  merely  a  "  sell" 
One  tells  you  a  tale  you  can't  "  swaller," 

He  tells  you  "by  thunder,"  'tis  true; 
You  bet  him  your  last  "  bottom  dollar,'* 

"  By  thunder,"  that's  all  you  can  do. 

They  ask  you  "  How  goes  it?"  on  meeting, 

"Take  care  of  yourself,"  is  adieu  ; 
They  substitute  "beating"  for  cheating, 

And  sometimes  combine  both  the  two. 
If  foolish,  "  your  head  isn't  level," 

Or,  maybe,  "your  head  isn't  clear;  " 
Instead  of  saying  "  go  to  the  devil," 

They  tell  you  "  walk  off  on  your  ear." 

To  praise  you  they  say  "  you  are  bully," 

For  honest  they  nickname  you  "  square,'* 
Although  please  to  understand  fully. 

There's  not  many  that  way,  "  I  swear." 
While  robbing  they  call  "going  through  you," 

And  "  go  for  him,"  means  an  attack. 
When  financial  troubles  come  to  you, 

They  say,  "  Oh,  he's  up  on  his  back." 

"  Fusil  oil "  is  the  new  name  for  whisky, 

"Spondulix"  cognomen  for  pelf, 
"You've  been  there,"  when  charged  as  too  friskj. 

Well,  "  You  know  how  it  is  yourself." 


322 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


And  if  a  proper  reproof  you  should  offer, 
They  tell  you  "  that  game  is  quite  played/* 

Say,  walk  off,  you  "  big,  dirty  loafer," 
Or  a  large  "  Mansard  roof"  will  be  made. 

Then  sometimes  you're  "  cornered  "  or  "  euchered," 

That  is  if  you  get  in  a  "  fix ;  " 
They  call  you  "galoot"  if  untutored 

In  every  galoot's  knavish  tricks. 
There  are  "  Tliat's  what's  the  matter  with  Hannah," 

And  "  dead  beats  "  on  every  side, 
If  the   skunks  "  will  not  alter  their  manners, 

I  don't  care  a  "  cuss,"  "  let  'em  slide.*' 


WELL,  HOW  IS  SHE  NOW? 

It  was  in  the  old  days  of  stage-coaches,  and  one  of 
those  huge  lumbering  vehicles  was  plowing  its  way  in  a 
driving  rain-storm,  filled  inside  and  outside  with  passen- 
gers. Among  the  number  of  the  more  fortunate  insiders 
was  a  respectable  bald-headed  old  gentleman,  who  seemed 
to  be  very  solicitous  about  a  lady  riding  on  the  roof. 
Every  few  minutes  he  popped  out  his  head,  regardless  of 
the  rain,  and  shouted  to  some  one  above,  "  Well,  how  is 
she  now?"    And  the  answer  came,  "All  right." 

"Is  she  getting  wet?"  inquired  the  old  man. 

"  No,  not  much,"  was  the  reply. 

"  Well,  can't  you  put  something  round  her  ?  'Twill 
never  do  to  have  her  get  wet,  you  know." 

"We've  got  every  thing  round  her  we  can  get." 
"  Haven't  you  got  an  old  coat  or  a  rag  ?  " 
"  No,  not  a  rag  more." 

A  sympathetic  young  man,  hearing  all  this,  and  feeling 
alarmed  for  the  poor  lady  out  in  the  storm,  inquired  of  the 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


323 


old  gentleman  why  they  didn't  let  her  ride  inside,  and  not 
out  on  the  roof. 

"  Bless  you,  there  ain't  room,"  exclaimed  the  old  man. 
"  Not  room  !    Why,  I'll  give  her  my  place.     It's  too 
bad." 

"Not  at  all,  sir,  not  at  all.  We  couldn't  get  her  into 
the  coach  anyhow." 

Amazed  at  her  prodigious  dimensions,  the  kind  young 
man  said,  "  Well,  sir,  if  my  coat  would  be  of  any  service, 
she  may  have  it  ;"  and  suiting  the  action  to  the  word,  he 
took  off  that  garment  and  handed  it  to  the  old  gentleman. 

"  It's  almost  a  pity,  sir,  to  get  your  overcoat  wet;  but — " 

"  Not  at  all,  sir  —  by  no  means.    Pass  it  up  to  her." 

The  coat  was  accordingly  passed  up.  "  How'U  that  do 
for  her  ?"  asked  the  old  gentleman. 

"  Tip-top  !    Just  the  ticket  !    All  right  now." 

Thus  relieved,  no  further  anxiety  was  manifested  about 
the  outside  passenger  till  the  coach  arrived  at  the  inn, 
when  what  was  the  sympathetic  and  gallant  young  man's 
surprise  and  indignation  to  find  that  his  nice  coat  had  been 
wrapped  around,  not  a  fair  lady  of  unusual  proportions, 
but  a  double-bass  viol  ! 


DU  TELL. 

A  wag  was  requested  by  an  old  lady  to  read  the  news- 
paper for  her.    He  took  it  up  and  read  as  follows  : 

"  Last  night,  yesterday  morning,  about  one  o'clock  in 
the  afternoon,  before  breakfast,  a  hungry  boy,  about  forty 
years  old,  bought  a  big  custard  for  a  levy,  and  threw  it 
through  a  brick  wall  nine  feet  thick,  and  jumping  over  it, 
broke  his  right  ankle  oS  abc  /e  his  left  knee,  and  fell  into 
a  dry  mill-pond  and  was  d  owned.     About  forty  years 


324 


WIT  AKD  HUMOR. 


after  that,  on  the  same  day,  an  old  cat  had  nine  turkey 
gobblers  ;  a  high  wind  blew  Yankee  Doodle  on  a  frying 
pan,  and  killed  a  sow  and  two  dead  pigs  at  Boston,  where 
a  deaf  and  dumb  man  was  talking  to  his  Aunt  Peter." 
Whereupon  the  old  lady,  talking  a  long  breath,  exclaimed: 
"Dutell!" 

The  man  who  sang,  Oh  !  breathe  no  more  that  simple 
air,"  went  into  the  smoking-car,  where  it  was  more  mixed. 


GOT  EYEN  WITH  HIM. 

A  college  professor  was  being  rowed  across  a  stream  in 
a  boat.  Said  he  to  the  boatman:  "Do  you  understand 
philosophy?"  "No,  never  heard  of  it."  "Then  one- 
quarter  of  your  life  is  gone.  Do  you  understand  geology  ?" 
"No."  "Then  one -half  of  your  life  is  gone.  Do  you 
understand  astronomy?"  "No."  "Then  three-quarters 
of  your  life  is  gone."  But  presently  the  boat  tipped  over 
and  spilled  both  into  the  river.  Says  the  boatman:  "Can 
you  swim  ? "  "  No."  "  Then  the  whole  of  your  life  is 
gone." 

A  would-be  school-teacher,  in  Toledo,  recently  replied 
to  a  question  by  one  of  the  examiners,  "Do  you  think  the 
world  is  round  or  flat?"  by  saying: 

"  Well,  some  people  think  one  way  and  some  another, 
and  I'll  teach  round  or  flat,  just  as  the  parents  please." 


Some  Latrobe  boys  undertook  to  play  base  ball  in  a 
field  where  a  ram  was  feeding,  recently.  He  butted  the 
short-stop  through  a  picket  '  ence  and  forced  all  the  rest  to 
make  a  home  run.    The  be /  who  was  butted  through  the 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


325 


fence  was  the  only  one  scored,  and  he  carries  the  score  with 
him,  but  he  can  not  see  it. 

POTATO-BUGS. 

Here  is  a  good  one  on  the  "  tatur-bugs."  Three  men 
were  comparing  notes.    One  says: 

"  There  are  two  bugs  to  every  stalk." 

A  second  one  says,  '^they  cut  down  my  early  crop,  and 
are  sitting  on  the  fence  waiting  for  the  late  crop  to  come 
up." 

Pshaw,"  says  the  third,  "You  don't  know  anything 
about  it.  I  passed  a  seed  store  the  other  day,  and  the  bugs 
were  in  there  looking  over  the  books  to  see  who  had  pur- 
chased seed  potatoes." 

THE  CORN  CROP  A  FAILURE. 

Colonel  Finnigan  was  a  Florida  planter,  wealthy  and 
hospitable.  Toward  the  poor  he  was  always  kind,  and  even 
the  shiftless  he  would  not  turn  coldly  away.  A  man  who 
had  often  been  the  object  of  his  bounty  was  named  Jake 
Hartruff.  Jake  was  a  squatter  in  the  woods,  where  he  had 
a  log  cabin  and  a  small  clearing.  Upon  this  land  he  some- 
times raised  corn,  and  with  his  gun  he  captured  game.  Of 
the  game  he  ate  the  flesh,  and  the  skins  he  traded  for 
whisky.  Long  before  the  Winter  was  over  he  was  sure  to 
be  out  of  corn,  in  which  emergency  he  would  bring  his  bag 
to  the  colonel  for  a  supply,  which  was  generally  furnished. 
Once  upon  a  time  Jake  came  with  his  bag  very  early  in  the 
season — in  fact.  Winter  had  just  set  in. 

"Why,  how's  this,  Jake?"  demanded  Finnigan.  "Seems 
to  me  you  are  rather  early  in  your  call  for  corn." 

"  Well,  colonel,  fact  is,  my  crop  failed  this  yer  season." 


326 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


"Failed!  How  is  that?  I  thought  this  had  been  an 
uncommonly  good  season  for  corn." 

"  Ya'as,  I  s'pose  it  has,  colonel ;  but  you  see  I  forgot  to 
plant."   

A  traveler  who  had  lost  a  dog,  approaching  a  wood- 
chopper  by  the  wayside,  thus  accosted  him: 

"Mister,"  says  he,  "have  you  seen  a  yaller  dog  a-agoin' 
along  here,  about  a  year,  a  year  and  a  half,  or  two  years 
old?" 

"Yes,"  answered  the  chopper,  supposing  the  traveler 
quizzing  him — "yes,  I've  seen  a  yaller  dog  a-goin'  along 
here,  about  a  year,  a  year  and  a  half,  or  two  years  old. 
'Twas  about  an  hour,  an  hour  and  a  half,  or  two  hours  ago, 
and  you'll  find  him  about  a  mile,  a  mile  and  a  half,  or  two 
miles  ahead,  with  a  tail  about  an  inch,  an  inch  and  a  half, 
or  two  inches  long." 

A  BUG  STORY. 

The  other  evening,  iti  our  "private  crib,"  there  was  a 
learned  dissertation  on  the  subject  of  "bed-bugs  and  their 
remarkable  tenacity  of  life." 

One  asserted  of  his  own  knowledge  that  they  could  be 
boiled  and  then  come  to  life. 

Some  had  soaked  them  for  hours  in  turpentine  without 
any  fatal  consequences. 

Old  Hanks,  who  liad  been  listening  as  an  out-sider,  here 
gave  in  his  experience  in  corroboration  of  the  facts. 
Says  he: 

"  Some  years  ago  I  took  a  bed-bug  to  an  iron  foundry, 
and  dropped  it  into  a  ladle  where  the  melted  iron  was,  and 
had  it  run  into  a  skillet. 

"Well,  my  old  woman  used  that  skillet  for  the  last  six 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


827 


years,  and  here  the  other  day  she  broke  it  all  to  smash  ; 
and  what  do  you  think,  gentlemen?  that  'ere  insect  just 
walked  out  of  his  hole,  where  he'd  been  layin'  like  a  frog  in 
a  rock,  and  made  tracks  for  his  old  roost  up  stairs.  But,'^ 
added  he,  by  way  of  parenthesis,  "by  George,  gentlemen, 
he  looked  mighty  pale." 

A  TEST  OF  TALENT. 

A  gentleman  from  Swampville  was  telling  how  many 
different  occupations  he  had  attempted.  Among  others  he 
had  tried  school-teaching. 

"How  long  did  you  teach?"  asked  a  bystander. 

"Wa'al,  1  didn't  teach  long — that  is  I  only  went  to 
teach." 

"Did  you  hire  out  ?" 

"  Wa'al,  I  didn't  hire  out,  I  only  went  to  hire  out." 
"Why  did  you  give  up?" 

"Wa'al,  I  gave  it  up  for  some  reason  or  nuther.  You 
see,  I  traveled  into  a  deestrict  and  inquired  for  the  trustees. 
Somebody  said  Mr.  Snickles  was  the  man  I  wanted  to  see. 
So  I  found  Mr.  Snickles,  named  my  objict,  interducing 
myself,  and  asked  what  he  thought  about  lettin'  me  try  my 
luck  with  the  big  boys  and  unruly  gals  in  the  deestrict. 
He  wanted  to  know  if  I  raally  considered  myself  capable  ; 
and  I  told  him  I  wouldn't  mind  his  asking  me  a  few  easy 
questions  in  'rithmetic  and  jography  or  showing  my  hand- 
writing. He  said  no,  never  mind,  he  cou!  .  tell  a  good 
teacher  by  his  gait.  'I^et  me  see  you  walk  off  a  little  ways,' 
says  he,  'and  I  can  tell  jis's  well  'sif  I  heard  you  examined,' 
says  he.  He  sat  in  the  door  as  he  spoke,  and  I  thought 
he  looked  a  little  skittish.  But  I  was  consid'rable  frus- 
trated, and  didn't  mind  it  much;  so  I  turned  round  and 

14* 


328 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


walked  on  as  smart  as  I  knew  how.  He  said  he'd  tell  me 
when  to  stop,  so  I  kep'  on  till  I  thought  I'd  gone  far  enough. 
Then  I  s'pected  suthin'  was  to  pay,  and  I  looked  round. 
Wa'al,  the  door  was  shet  and  Snickles  was  gone  !  " 


That  was  not  a  bad  reply  given  recently  at  a  barn-rais- 
ing in  Pennsylvania  to  a  young  man  who  had  been  relating 
his  more  than  wonderful  exploits  in  various  quarters  of  the 
globe.  At  the  close  of  one  of  these  narratives,  he  was  not 
a  little  set  back  by  the  remark  of  an  old  cod:  "Young  man, 
ain't  you  ashamed  to  talk  so  when  there  are  older  liars  on 
the  ground." 

"My  son,"  said  a  venerable  philosopher,  "never  waste 
your  time — not  a  momejit  of  it;  always  waste  some  other 
person's." 

A  female  applicant  for  aid  appeared  at  the  office  of  the 
director  of  the  poor  in  Detroit  the  other  day,  with  a  sad 
and  anxious  look,  and  on  being  asked  what  she  wanted, 
replied,  "I'd  like  some  money." 

"How  much?" 

"  Well,  I  can't  say,  exactly.  How  much  do  you  gen- 
erally give  out  to  a  person  who  wants  to  buy  a  bead 
belt?"   

"Eternity,  past  and  future,  flashed  before  my  eyes,"  he 
said,  "and  saw  where  the  crack  of  doom  began  and 
ended."  This  was  his  experience  the  first  time  a  base  ball 
struck  him  in  the  stomach. 


A  New  York  editor  says  he  heard  recently  how  a  man 
cured  a  neighbor  newspaper-borrower.    It  is  told  thus: 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


329 


"  Mr.  Jones,  father  wants  to  borrow  your  paper,  he  only 
wants  to  read  it." 

*'Well,  go  back  and  ask  your  father  to  send  me  his 
supper.    Tell  hiizi  ^  only  want  to  eat  it." 

The  next  evening  the  boy  did  not  come. 


When  young  Mr.  Spitzer  left  home  for  college,  he  took 
leave  of  his  mother  in  this  manner:  "Mother,  I  will  write 
often  and  think  of  you  constantly."  When  he  returned 
two  years  later,  he  remarked  to  the  anxious  parent,  "  Deah 
mothaw,  I  gweet  you  once  moah!"  Imagine  the  feelings 
of  a  fond  mother. 

A  granger  writes  to  a  rural  paper  to  ask  "how  long 
cows  should  be  milked."  Why  th^  same  as  short  cows,  of 
course. 

The  Fat  Contributor,  encouraged  by  Mr.  Greeley's  suc- 
cess, is  writing  about  farming.  He  says:  "A  correspondent 
asks  us  what  we  think  of  late  plowing." 

"Plowing  should  not  be  continued  later  than  ten  or 
eleven  o'clock  at  night.  It  gets  the  horses  into  the  habit 
of  staying  out  late,  and  unduly  exposes  the  plow." 


A  cowardly  fellow  having  kicked  a  newsboy  for  pester- 
ing him  to  buy  an  evening  newspaper,  the  lad  waited  till 
another  boy  accosted  the  "gentleman,"  and  then  shouted 
in  the  hearing  of  all  bystanders,  "  It's  no  use  to  try  him, 
Jim,  he  can't  read." 

It  turns  out  that  the  Western  editor  who  wrote  to 
Philadelphia,  indignantly  refusing  a  dead-head  pass  on  the 


330 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


condition  that  he  must  have  his  picture  taken  with  it,  is  a 
squint-eyed  man,  with  a  hare-lip  and  a  broken  nose. 

"  Unless  you  give  me  aid,"  id  a  beggar  to  a  benevo- 
lent lady,  "  I  am  afraid  I  shall  have  to  resort  to  something 
which  I  greatly  dislike  to  do." 

The  lady  handed  him  a  dollar,  and  compassionately 
asked  :  "  What  is  it,  poor  man,  that  I  have  saved  you 
from  ?  " 

"  Work,"  was  the  mournful  answer. 


The  late  well-known  Daniel  O'Connell  once  met  a  con- 
ceited literary  friend,  and  exclaimed :  "  T  saw  a  capital 
thing  in  your  last  pamphlet." 

"  Did  you  ? "  eagerly  replied  his  delighted  listener  ; 
what  was  it  ?  " 

"A  pound  of  butter." 

There  are  many  recipes  for  getting  rid  of  the  currant 
worm,  but  there  is  nothing  so  sure  in  its  results  as  to 
blindfold  him  and  back  him  under  a  pile-driver. 


AN  ASPIRING  TRAGEDIAN. 

"I  say,  Higgins,"  said  a  cheeky  young  fellow  to  an 
aspiring  but  yet  unappreciated  tragedian,  "  I  met  a  rich 
old  gentleman  in  the  city,  who  declared  he  would  give 
a  hundred  dollars  to  see  you  perform  Hamlet." 

"  You  don't  say  so  ?  " 

"  Fact,  I  assure  you  ;  and  what's  more,  I'm  positively 
sure  the  old  chap  meant  it." 

'''By  Jove,  then,  it's  a  bargain!"  Higgins  cried;  "I'll 
play  it  for  my  benefit.    But  who  is  he  ?  " 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


331 


"Ah,  to  be  sure,  I  didn't  tell  you.  Well,  he's  a  blind 
man." 

Higgins  never  spoke  to  the  wretch  again. 


"  Now,  John,  suppose  there's  a  load  of  hay  on  one  side 
of  the  river  and  a  jackass  on  the  other  side,  and  no  bridge, 
and  the  river  is  too  wide  to  swim,  how  can  the  jackass  get 
to  the  hay  ?  " 

"  I  give  it  up." 

"  Well,  that's  just  what  the  other  jackass  did." 


"Are  you  very  fond  of  novels,  Mr.  Jones  ?" 

"Very,"  responded  that  interrogated  gentleman,  who 
wished  to  be  thought  by  the  lady  questioner  fond  of  litera- 
ture. 

"  Have  you,"  continued  the  lady,  "  ever  read  '  Ten 
Thousand  a  Year?'" 

"  No,  madam,  I  never  read  so  many  in  all  my  life." 


Brown,  the  other  day,  while  looking  at  the  skeleton  of 
a  donkey,  made  a  very  natural  quotation.  "Ah,"  said  he, 
"we  are  fearfully  and  wonderfully  made." 


NOT  TO  BE  OUTDONE. 

Artemus  Ward  once  lent  money.  He  thus  recounts  the 
transaction  :  "A  gentlemanly  friend  of  mine  came  one  day 
with  tears  in  his  eyes.  I  said,  '  Why  those  weeps  ? '  He 
said  he  had  a  mortgage  on  his  farm,  and  wanted  to  borrow 
two  hundred  dollars.  I  lent  him  the  money,  and  he  went 
away.  Some  time  after,  he  returned  with  more  tears.  He 
said  he  must  leave  me  forever,  I  ventured  to  remind  him 
o 


332 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


of  the  two  hundred  dollars  he  borrowed.  He  was  much 
cut  up.  I  thought  I  would  not  be  hard  upon  him,  so  told 
him  I  would  throw  off  one  hundred  dollars.  He  brightened 
up,  shook  my  hand,  and  said,  'Old  friend,  I  won't  allow 
you  to  outdo  me  in  liberality ;  I'll  throw  off  the  other 
hundred.'    And  thus  he  discharged  the  debt." 

An  old  rail-splitter  in  Indiana  put  the  quietus  upon  a 
fellow  who  chaffed  him  upon  his  bald  head,  in  these  words  : 
"  Young  man,  when  my  head  gets  as  soft  as  yours,  I  can 
raise  hair  to  sell." 

A  Western  newspaper  says :  "  Talk  about  the  wind 
blowing  the  grasshoppers  away  !  One  of  them  faced  the 
gale  the  other  day  for  an  hour,  and  then  yanked  a  shingle 
off  a  house  for  a  fan,  saying  it  was  awfully  sultry." 

"That  man,"  said  a  wag,  ''came  to  this  city  forty  years 
ago,  purchased  a  basket^  and  commenced  gathering  rags. 
How  much  do  you  suppose  he  is  worth  now?"  We  gave  it 
up.  "Nothing,"  he  continued,  after  a  pause,  "and  he  owes 
for  the  basket." 

FOR  THE  BENEFIT  OF  THE  POOR 

A  lot  of  minstrels  went  to  a  town  not  far  from  Boston, 
recently,  and  advertised  to  give  a  performance  for  "the 
benefit  of  the  poor  —  tickets  reduced  to  ten  cents."  The 
hall  was  crammed  full.  The  next  morning  a  committee  of 
the  poor  called  upon  the  treasurer  of  the  concern  for  the 
amount  said  benefit  had  netted.  The  treasurer  expressed 
astonishment  at  the  demand. 

"I  thought,"  said  the  chairman  of  the  committee,  "you 
advertised  this  concert  for  the  benefit  of  the  poor  ?" 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


833 


Replied  the  treasurer : 

"  Didn't  we  put  the  tickets  down  to  ten  cents,  so  that 
the  poor  could  all  come  ?  " 
The  committee  vanished. 


An  Illinois  chap,  in  describing  a  gale  of  wind,  says . 
"A  white  dog,  while  attempting  to  weather  the  gale,  was 
caught  with  his  mouth  open,  and  turned  completely  inside 
out."   

Honesty  is  the  best  policy,  unless  you  can  get  about  one 
hundred  thousand  dollars,  and  effect  a  settlement  at  fifty 
per  cent. 

Honor  thy  father  and  mother,  particularly  about  circus 
time,  when  you  don't  know  where  to  raise  a  quarter. 


GOOD  MOENING. 

"  Madam,"  he  said,  "  you  see  before  you  a  blighted 
fellow-creature  !  I  ain't  a  tramp,  marm,  I  ain't !  I  have 
had  my  little  store  of  wealth  laid  away  for  these  rainy  days, 
but,  ah  !  marm,  a  relative  and  speculation  brought  me  to 
this  sad  state  in  which  you  see  me  !  I  was  long  on  rail- 
road stock,  marm,  and  —  eh  ?  Wood  ?  Me  ?  Me  saw  that 
wood  ?  Madam,  I  feel  that  you  can  not  realize  my  situa- 
tion !    Good  morning  !  " 

THE  KURNEL'S  ROOM. 

HOW  'SQUIKE  SKAGGS  GOT  SKINNED  BY  THE  "  PHARAOH  MEN." 

"  You  see,"  said  the  'squire,  pitching  his  voice  to  an 
exegetical  altitude,  "  it  wuz  sorter  this  way.  Last  Chues- 
day  was  a  week  ago,  I  sailed  down  from  Gwinnett  to 
Atlanty  with  seven  bags  of  cotton.    Arter  I  sold  'em,  I 


334 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


kinder  loafed  roun',  lookin'  at  things  in  general,  an'  feelin' 
jest  as  bappy  as  you  please,  when  who  should  I  run  agin 
but  Kurnel  Blasengame.  Me  an'  the  kurnel  used  to  be 
boys  together,  an'  we  wuz  as  thick  as  five  kittens  in  a  rag 
basket.  We  drunk  outen  the  same  goad,  an'  we  got  .the 
lint  snatched  outen  us  by  the  same  bandy-legged  school- 
teacher. I  wuz  gitten  as  lonesome  as  a  rain-crow,  afore  I 
struck  up  with  the  kurnel,  an'  I  wuz  glad  to  see  him  — 
durned  glad.  We  knocked  aroun'  town  right  smartually, 
an'  the  kurnel  interjuced  me  to  a  whole  raft  of  fellers  — 
mighty  nice  boys  they  wuz,  too.  Arter  supper,  the  kurnel 
says : 

"'Skaggs,'  says  he,  'les'  go  to  my  room  whar  we  kin 
talk  over  old  times  sorter  comfortable  an'  ondisturbed 
like.' 

""Greeable,'  says  I,  an'  we  walked  a  square  or  so  an' 
turned  into  an  alley,  an'  walked  up  a  narrer  par  of  stars. 
The  kurnel  gin  a  little  rap  at  a  green  door,  an  a  slick- 
lookin'  merlatter  popped  out  an'  axed  us  in.  He  was  the 
perlitest  nigger  you  ever  seen.  He  jest  got  up  an'  spun 
aroun'  like  a  torn  cat  with  his  tail  afire.  The  room  wuz  as 
fine  as  a  fiddle  an'  full  of  pictures  an'  sofys,  an'  the  cheers 
wuz  as  soft  as  lam's  wool,  an'  I  thought  to  meself  that  the 
kurnel  wuz  a  lugsuriant  cuss.  Thar  wuz  a  lot  of  mighty 
nice  fellers  scattered  roun'  a-laffin'  an'  a-talkin'  quite  sosha- 
bel  like.  Aperient,  the  kurnel  wuzent  much  sot  back,  for 
he  sorter  lafFed  to  himself,  an'  then  he  says : 

" '  Boys,'  says  he,  '  I  hev  fetched  up  a  fren'.  Jedge 
Hightower,  this  is  'Squire  Skaggs,  of  Gwinnett.  Major 
Briggs,  'Squire  Skaggs,'  an'  so  on  all  roun'.  Then  the  kur- 
nel turns  to  me  an'  says  : 

^''Really,  I  wuzn't  expectin'  company,  Skaggs,  but  the 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


members  of  the  Young  Men's  Christun  'Sosashun  make  m^ 
room  their  headquarters.' 

"  1  ups  an'  says  I  was  mighty  glad  to  meet  the  boys.  I 
used  to  be  a  Premativ'  Baptis'  myself  afore  I  got  to  cusin' 
the  Yankees,  an'  I  hev  always  had  a  sorter  hankerin'  arter 
pious  folks.  They  all  laffed  an'  shuk  ban's  over  agin,  an' 
we  sot  thar  a-smokin'  an'  a-chawin'  jest  as  muchuel  as  you 
please.  I  disremember  how  it  come  up,  but  presently 
Major  Briggs  gits  up  an'  says : 

" '  Kurnel,  what  about  that  new  parlor  game  you  got  out 
the  other  day  ? ' 

"'Oh,'  says  the  kurnel,  lookin'  sorter  sheepish,  Hhat 
wuz  a  humbug.    I  can't  make  no  head  nor  tail  outen  it.' 

" '  I'll  bet  I  kin  manage  it,'  says  Jedge  Hightower,  quite 
animated  like. 

"Til  show  you  how,  Jedge,  with  pleasure,'  says  the 
Kurnel,  an'  then  he  went  to  the  table,  unlocked  a  box,  an' 
tuck  a  deck  of  keerds  an'  a  whole  lot  of  little  what-you- 
may-callems,  similarly  to  horn  buttons,  some  white  an' 
some  red." 

'Squire  Skaggs  paused  and  supplied  his  tireless  jaws  with 
a  fresh  quid  of  tobacco. 

"It  ain't  no  use  to  tell  you  any  more.  When  them  fel- 
lers got  done  larnin'  me  that  game  I  didn't  have  money 
enough  to  take  me  down  stars.  I  say,  I  looked  a  leetle 
wild,  for  when  the  Jedge  closed  the  box  he  said  : 

"'We  hev  had  a  pleasant  evenin',  'Squire.  You'll  find 
the  Kurnel  waitin'  for  you  on  the  steps,  an'  he'll  give  you 
your  money  back.' 

"I  ain't  never  laid  eyes  on  the  Kurnel  sence,  an'  when  I 
do  thar's  goin'  to  be  a  case  for  the  Kurriner — ^you  mind  my 
words.    I  seed  Rufe  Lester  next  day — you  know  Rufe  ; 

22 


336 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


he's  in  the  Legislatur  now,  but  I  used  to  give  him  pop-corn 
when  he  wuzn't  so  high  —  I  seed  Rufe  an'  he  sed  I  wuz 
tuck  in  by  the  Pharaoh  men.  Tuck  in  ain't  no  name  for  it. 
Derned  ef  I  didn't  go  to  the  bottom  an'  git  skinned  alive." 

SCRAPS  OF  AUCTION  WIT. 

It  is  rarely  that  even  that  intrepid  class  of  men,  short- 
hand writers,  undertake  to  jot  down  an  auctioneer's  run  of 
words — especially  one  so  witty  as  was  the  late  John  Keese. 
Somebody,  however,  appears  to  have  performed  this  feat, 
and  has  rendered  the  readers  of  Harper  the  peculiar  favor 
of  serving  up  a  few  samples  of  Keese's  inimitable  spirit 
when  under  the  inspiration  of  "the  hammer:*' 

"  N'alf,  n'alf,  n'alf,  three,  do  I  have  ?  three,  three;  quar- 
ter, did  you  say  ?  Never  let  me  hear  an  Irishman  cry 
quarter.  N'alf,  n'alf ;  knocked  down  to  Maguire  at  three 
dollars  and  a  half.  Now,  gentlemen,  give  me  a  bid  for 
'  Byron's  Works,'  London  edition,  full  of  illustrations. 
Two  dollars,  two,  two  ;  an  eighth,  eighth,  eighth  ;  quarter, 
quarter,  quarter — the  man  that  deliberates  is  lost.  Moffat, 
at  two  dollars  and  a  quarter.  The  next  thing,  gentlemen, 
is  'The  Four  Last  Things,  by  Dr.  Bates.'  Fifty  cents, 
fifty — '  What  are  they  ? '  Bid  away,  gentlemen,  the  book'll 
tell  you  exactly  what  they  are  ;  five-eighths,  five-eighths ; 
five  and  six,  five  and  six.  Chase  has  it,  at  five  and  six. 
^  Stop  !  that^s  my  bicV  Too  late,  sir,  all  booked  to  Chase  ; 
had  such  a  confounded  short  name,  got  it  right  down. 
Start,  if  you  please,  gentlemen,  on  '  Protestant  Discussions, 
by  Dr.  Cummings,'  an  original  D.  D. — none  of  your  modern 
fiddle-dee-dees  :  three-quarters,  quarters  ;  seven-eighths  ; 
do  I  have  seven-eighths  ? — yes,  it  is  all  complete  ;  a  perfect 
book, gentlemen;  wants  nothing  but  a  reader.   Dollar;  dol- 


TTIT  AND  HUMOR. 


837 


lar,  n'eighth,  n'eighth.  Black  has  it,  at  one  and  one-eighth. 
Now,  gentlemen,  I  offer  you  a  superb  '  Prayer  Book,' Apple- 
ton's  edition,  best  morocco,  gilt  all  over,  like  the  sinner ; 
three-quarters,  three-quarters,  quarters,  quarters  —  look  at 
it,  gentlemen.  Here,  sir,  let  me  show  it  up  to  this  goodly 
company;  you've  looked  at  it  many  a  time  with  more  care 
than  profit;  seven-eighths;  dollar,  n'eighth;  quarter,  quar- 
ter— large  print,  gentlemen ;  good  for  those  whose  eyes  are 
weak  and  whose  faith  is  strong ;  remember  your  grand- 
mothers, gentlemen — three-eighths,  three-eighths.  Brown 
has  it  at  one  and  three-eighths.  Now,  gentlemen,  I  come 
to  a  line  of  splendid  illustrated  English  books.  Be  so  kind 
as  to  bid  for  'Finden's  Beauties  of  Moore,'  cloth  extra,  full 
of  superb  illustrations,  and  I've  how  much  bid  for  this? 
Start,  if  you  please;  go  on.  Two  dollars;  and  a  half,  n'alf, 
n'alf;  three,  three;  n'alf,  n'alf;  four,  four,  four. 

"  These  are  all  English  books,  printed  in  England,  bound 
in  England,  sacrificed  in  America;  and  I  have  only  four 
dollars  for  this  superb  book — quarter,  quarter,  quarter,  and 
this  goes  to  the  great  Maguire  (at  that  time  Kossuth  was 
being  called  the  great  Magyar),  at  four  dollars  and  a  quar- 
ter. 'The  Gems  of  Beauty'  is  the  next  book,  gentlemen. 
This  is  a  glowing  book,  beautiful  as  Yenus,  and  bound  by 
Vulcan  in  his  best  days,  red  morocco,  well  read  outside, 
gentlemen,  and  what  do  I  hear  for  it  ?  Fifty  cents — horri- 
ble! Two  dollars,  by  some  gentleman  whose  feelings  are 
outraged  ;  quarter,  quarter  ;  half,  shall  I  say?  Cash  has  it, 
at  two  dollars  and  a  half.  Now,  gentlemen,  for  the  'Philo- 
sophical Works  of  John  Locke,'  best  edition,  opened  by 
John  Keese;  start  if  you  please — go  on.  Dollar;  n'alf, 
n'alf;  three-quarters.  ^  Bound  in  muslin  Yes,  sir; 
don't  you  respect  the  cloth?    Seven-eighths,  seven-eighths; 


338 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


two,  two,  two,  two;  quarter,  quarter — brought  three  dollars 
the  other  day.  'iVo,  it  didii'tl '  Well,  one  just  like  it  did. 
Moffat  takes  it,  at  two  dollars  and  a  quarter.  Now,  for  a 
beautiful  annual,  gentlemen,  'The  Ladies'  Diadem,'  splen- 
did steel  engravings,  and  no  date,  may  be  1855,  6,  7,  or  8. 
Can't  tell;  they  publish  them  so  much  in  advance  nowadays. 
What  do  I  hear?  seventy-five,  seventy-five;  new  book,  pub- 
lished in  England;  dollar,  dollar;  eighth,  do  I  hear?  eighth; 
quarter;  three-eighths,  three-eighths — down.  What's  the 
name  ?  whose  bid  was  that  ?  Well,  just  as  you  please  : 
quarter,  quarter — that's  your  bid,  sir;  'gainst  you  out  there; 
three-eighths,  that's  yours,  sir;  what's  the  name?  ^Pll  take 
it;  you  seem  to  he  very  anxious  to  sell  it,''  No,  sir,  I'm  not 
on  the  anxious  bench;  those  are  the  anxious  seats  where 
you  are.  I  take  a  decided  stand  on  that;  I  face  the  whole 
congregation.  Go  on,  if  you  please.  The  next  book, 
'  Kirke  White's  Remains,'  London  edition,  with  splendid 
portrait,  taken  from  some  old  daguerreotype;  dollar,  dollar, 
dollar,  and  down  it  goes.  Who'll  have  it  ?  Well,  start  it, 
gentlemen.  What  do  I  hear  ?  Seventy-five  cents;  seven- 
eighths,  seven-eighths;  dollar  by  all  the  house;  n'eighth, 
n'eighth.  Cash  has  it,  at  a  dollar  and  one-eighth;  horrible! 
I've  been  the  high  priest  of  many  a  sacrifice.  Now,  gen- 
tlemen, who  wants  'Ross'  Last  Expedition;'  went  to  the 
poles,  and,  no  doubt,  voted  twice.  Start,  if  you  please — go 
on  ;  dollar,  did  you  say  ?  quarter,  quarter,  quarter ;  bidder 
here,  half,  half" — and  so  on  through  the  catalogue. 


"  I  can  not  imagine,"  said  'Squire  B.,  "  why  my  whiskers 
should  turn  gray  so  much  sooner  than  the  hair  of  my  head." 

"  Because,"  observed  a  wag,  'iyou  have  worked  so  much 
more  with  your  jaws  than  your  brains." 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


839 


A  GOOD  RETORT. 

It  was  a  good  retort  of  the  loiig-eared  Irishman  who, 
being  banteringly  asked  :  "  Paddy,  why  don't  you  get  your 
ears  cropped  ?    They  are  too  large  for  a  man  !  "  replied  : 

"  And  yours  are  too  small  for  an  ass." 


PROPAGANDA  SOCIETY. 

"  My  lord  !  "  said  a  disappointed  aspirant  for  holy  orders, 
who  was  rejected  for  his  ignorance,  ''there  is  no  imputa- 
tion upon  my  moral  character.  I  have  a  due  sense  of 
religion,  and  I  am  a  member  of  the  Propaganda  Society." 

"  That  I  can  easily  believe,"  replied  the  bishop,  for 
you  are  a  proper  goosed 

"  Sit  down  !  "  said  a  nervous  old  gentleman  to  his  son^ 
who  was  making  too  much  noise. 

"I  won't  do  it,"  was  the  impudent  answer. 
"  Well,  then,  stand  up.    I  will  be  obeyed  !  " 


"You  sot  of  a  fellow  !  "  exclaimed  a  poor  woman  to  her 
husband  ;  "you  are  always  in  the  saloons,  getting  drunk 
with  hot  punch,  v/hile  I  am  at  home  with  nothing  to  drink 
but  cold  water." 

"  Cold,  you  silly  jade  ?"  hiccoughed  her  husband  ;  "  why 
don't  you  warm  it  ?  " 

PHILANTHROPY. 

"  I  fear,"  said  a  country  minister  to  his  congregation, 
"  when  I  explained  to  you  in  my  last  charity  sermon  that 
philanthropy  was  the  love  of  our  species,  that  you  must 
hu»ve  understood  me  to  say  specie^  which  may  account  for 


340 


WIT  AND  HUMOR. 


the  smallness  of  the  collection.  You  will  prove,  I  hope,  by 
your  present  contributions,  that  you  are  no  longer  laboring 
under  the  same  mistake." 


A  CONSOLATION. 

An  inveterate  drinker,  on  being  told  that  the  cholera 
with  which  he  was  attacked  was  incurable,  and  tliat  he 
would  soon  go  to  a  world  of  pure  spirits,  replied  : 

Well,  that's  a  comfort  at  all  events,  for  it's  very  diffi- 
cult to  get  any  in  this  world." 


An  empty-headed  coxcomb,  having  engrossed  the  atten- 
tion of  some  ladies  and  gentlemen  with  his  petty  ailments, 
observed  to  the  celebrated  Dr.  Parr  that  he  could  never  go 
out  without  catching  cold  in  his  head. 

"  No  wonder,"  said  the  doctor,  pettishly ;  "  you  always 
go  out  without  anything  in  it." 


THOUGHT  SHE  HAD  IT  WITH  HER. 

When  Mrs.  McGibbon  was  preparing  to  act  "Jane 
Shore"  at  Liverpool,  her  dresser,  an  ignorant  country  girl, 
informed  her  that  a  woman  had  called  to  request  two  box 
orders,  because  she  and  her  daughter  had  walked  four 
miles  on  purpose  to  see  the  play. 

"  Does  she  know  me  ?  "  inquired  the  actress. 

"  Not  at  all,"  was  the  reply. 

"  What  a  very  odd  request ! "  exclaimed  Mrs.  McG. 
"  Has  the  good  woman  got  her  faculties  about  her  ?  " 

"  I  think  she  have,  ma'am,  for  I  see  she  ha'  got  summut 
tied  up  in  a  red  silk  handkercher." 


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